Happy for me, sad for my kids.....getting out of my marriage, getting on with my life.

Friday, February 27, 2009

Lent

I don't normally give up anything for Lent. Occasionally I'll give up SOMETHING, just to go a long with the rest of the family, but usually it's something pretty painless or not very meaningful.

This year.....I am giving up something. I am giving up obsessing or searching for information related to my situation and affairs in general. I get some emails from various places....newsletters, tips, support, etc. I won't delete them, but I'll save them to read some other time. I also have been still pretty hot-and-heavy on my cyber-sleuthing. It's a compulsion....and actually pretty fruitful. I frequently check to see if she or her husband have filed for divorce. No evidence of that, but I did find out that this moron has had THREE traffic violations in the last year. THREE. I have had ONE ticket in my whole driving career and I, quite honestly, am not all that great a driver. She's had about a dozen in as many years. Just more evidence that she's an idiot......but what good does it do me to know that? Yes, I get some satisfaction knowing that she's "in trouble". But really all it does is keep all this fresh in my mind.....and thinking of one thing obsessively leads to thinking of other things obsessively....and next thing I know that's all I can think about. So I've given all that up, at least through Lent. And maybe forever. I spend way too much time on someone who is just not worth it.

Monday, February 23, 2009

I am angry

That's a lot of my problem. I have just been very angry lately. Part of it, I'm sure, is the "anniversary" aspect of it. I can pretty much tell you what I was doing this time last year.....sitting on bed, staring at ceiling or out the window, alternating between distraught crying and numb, barely functioning and just half-assed doing what I needed to for my kids and around the house. Then there are dates that have significance.....they are significant because bad things happened. And those will keep up for the next 6 months. And I remember each and every one of them, practically down to the minute. How in the world is this old brain capable of remembering all those details? If I WANTED to remember something, chances are I wouldn't....like where I put something....I forget stuff like that on a daily basis.

We have a counseling appointment on Saturday and I'm really thinking of not going. Again. At least not with DH. I may go alone. I just can't see us having a productive session at all with me having all this anger. I know myself. I know how I can be. And then if DH becomes angry or starts any finger-pointing or turning the tables....watch out. When I saw the therapist alone last week, we did discuss how DH tries to compare what he's done with some things I've done. I don't know if this is an effort to minimize the damage that he's responsible for, or to make excuses, or what. Therapist did agree that there is no comparison and we need to address that.

I can look back on the last year, though, and see how much better things are in some ways.

There are parts of our relationship that have improved by leaps and bounds. Exponentially. Mostly just that we spend time together, make time for each other. Neither of us were so good about doing that for quite a while before all this happened. I actually think sometimes that I maybe, at some point, could have looked at his affair as almost a positive thing....it could have been the kick in the pants that we both needed....a wake-up call telling us to shape up or ship out. But then too much stuff happened after that for me to ever be able to look at this positively.

My mental state has improved a million times over. I was at the lowest point I'd ever been in my entire life a year ago. I think if I was inclined to have suicidal tendencies, I'd have been a goner. I think if I were more prone to depression I could have spiraled downward so far that I may have never recovered...or at least it would have been extremely difficult. I did spend a lot of the last year explaining away the obvious, just to make things better in my mind simply so I could bear it. I wasn't ready to face truths for a long time. I am stronger now, and I can do hard things.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Today's appointment

I had a counseling session alone today. It is bothering DH to no end. I'm surprised he didn't ask me to record the whole thing. He hasn't come right out and asked me for every last details but he asked how it went and clearly is curious. I told him that it was actually good and I learned a lot. He asked what I learned a lot about and I said mostly me, some about him, and some of about that stupid worthless whore made me feel.

The reason I wanted to see him alone is because lately I've been thinking about things A LOT, too much. Things I don't want to think about, things that aren't really productive to think about. Bottom line is no matter what happens with my marriage, I can't carry this around forever. Him being in or out of my life probably wouldn't make any difference as far as these thoughts go. Lately something I've been dwelling on is a couple conversations I had with HER.....things she said to me that could practically make my brain explode and smoke come out of my ears. Another thing that's been bothering me surrounds the whole Valentine's Day last year bit. And that also ties into one of the comments she made to me. I told Dr. E. that what I felt when I found out he'd gotten me nothing yet got her something, is that I was "disposable". He was done with me, onto someone else, and I didn't matter anymore. At all.

When I brought that up, the counselor kind of had an "AHA" moment. All this is bothering me so much because I have felt pretty disposable my whole life. My dad....when my parents divorced he left and that was it. No visits, no child support, no nothing. He died a couple years ago and I didn't even find out until a year and a half later. I was disposable. My mom....when my parents got divorced, she was pretty much done parenting. I got pretty much no guidance at all. She was at first very depressed (understandable) and later way more interested in her social life than knowing what I was doing. I was on my own. I don't think her intentions were BAD, but the result was the same nonetheless. Again....disposable. I really felt like I should have been laying on the couch or looking at ink-blots. :)

I'm glad I went. It's sometimes nice to just have someone listen to you. Though my mind just races and I bounce from one thing to the next. He probably thinks I'm a total wackjob.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

And today is even worse than Valentine's Day

Today is the "anniversary"....the day my heart broke.

I had planned on giving myself a mental health day today....just do whatever I wanted, or do nothing. Just sit and cry, sit and watch TV, eat like a pig. But it's really just been a day like any other.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Valentine's Day

I was so not looking forward to Valentine's Day this year. Last year's Valentine's Day, and the days surrounding it, were hell. Sheer hell. The most painful days of my life. If I think about it too much I can feel such pain and almost feel like I'm back there. But I made it through. My heart hurt quite a few times over the last few days, but I am done...it's over....and I never have to live through the "first Valentine's Day after" ever again. I think last night I was kind of wreck from dealing with all these emotions and not really talking about them because I got in bed last night and cried myself to sleep. I cried like I haven't in a long time.

I emailed our therapist last week and asked if I could see him alone before our next appointment, which is on the 28th. He said that was fine as long as DH knew I was coming in, which he does. I think DH is perplexed by the whole thing. He didn't really pry much, but did ask why I wanted to go. I just said I felt like I needed to. I guess if it was something I wanted to discuss with him I'd do it when we had our appointment together.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

"I never meant to hurt you"

If I never hear those words strung together ever again, it will be too soon. I LOATHE that statement. I'm sure you've guessed by now that I've heard DH say it. A million times. But guess what? I don't buy it.

Okay....giving him the benefit of the doubt, maybe he didn't have an affair with that in mind...."wow, this will REALLY hurt her. I'm going to go for it". But every step of the way, did he ever think I'd be HAPPY about what he was doing? Did he think I'd like it? If he was thinking at all, he'd know the answer is no, I would not have approved. Of course not.

That counseling appointment I have in a few weeks....I'm thinking of cancelling that one too. I may go by myself before that, but I just am not interested anymore. I think I am finally getting through my thick head that we are done here. And I say this in absence of any drama, trauma, or anything noteworthy....there's nothing going on at all except the realization that this just ain't gonna work. I have moments of happiness with DH but I have many more moments where I think "what am I doing?" or "who am I kidding?" and I just don't think I want to look at his face anymore.

Will this pass? Should I just ride it out?

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

"Incompability Landmines"

For the last 6 months or so, I've felt like someone at my local newspaper has been stalking me. The Life section has been full of articles about divorce in general, financial tips for divorcing couples, infidelity, marital strife, is this relationship worth salvaging, blah blah blah. Today there's an article called Incompatibility Landmines, Avoid a Failed Relationship by Recognizing the Warning Signs. It is only about 19 years too late. :) Seriously, it practically screams my name. Here are the signs, and scary thing is, almost every single one applies to me/us. Ack.

  1. Significant age difference - check (12 years - article says 10-15 years or more).
  2. Lack of sexual compability - okay, this one doesn't really apply...though I guess maybe it has at various times in our marriage (depending on how other parts of our relationship were going)
  3. Religious differences - check
  4. Differences in wanting children - this one doesn't necessarily apply either. Kind of. I think we were on the same page BEFORE any kids came along....the differences came later. I was never all gung-ho and dead-set on having kids. Never really thought about it much. I guess because I came from such a miserable family I just couldn't picture myself having a great one. I think I could have gone my whole life without having kids, though that might have changed as I got older. Kid #1 was unplanned. Kids #2 and #3....well ONE of them was unplanned. I know DH loves all his kids, but I think he seems them as a hinderance at times and I am not sure if he'd put them first if a situation required that. I am fairly sure that he would have probably led a happier life with no kids, while I am the total opposite. I didn't THINK I wanted kids, but WOW.....are they ever awesome.
  5. Toxic in-laws, ex-spouses, and stepchildren - check. Sort of. In-laws not toxic or around enough to make any difference. Ex-spouse and stepchildren not toxic either....but most certainly have created challenges at various times.
  6. Background differences - check.
  7. Differences in values - check. CHECK CHECK CHECK. And I think this is where the majority of our problems lie. Basically he has no values and I do. :)

Monday, February 2, 2009

Perception is interesting

For the last year I haven't been myself. In some ways that's actually good. I've made some changes that really needed to happen, though I didn't really know it at the time. For a very long time I really didn't want to interact with anyone. My contact with anyone outside my family was pretty minimal. I was okay on the phone with friends but getting together, face-to-face was not something I was interested in at all. It was very difficult for me to get out and mingle. I did it when it was unavoidable and I managed. Basically it's felt like I've been walking around with a black cloud over my head. That's gotten progressively better, thank God.

Over the weekend, oldest kid had a basketball game. There are two athletic booster ladies we call the "booster Nazis". They run a tight ship....overseeing the concession stands, selling tickets to events. They are large and in charge. One of them is an older lady with kids about my age. She is really friendly. I walked in to buy my ticket on Saturday and she said "Now there's my ray of sunshine!" I know I looked totally dumbfounded. Me??? Ray of sunshine??? Seriously??? I think I might have looked behind me to see if there was a pleasant, happy person standing back there. Nope...she really was talking to me. I said "I don't think I've ever been called THAT before." She said "Well, I'm surprised. You are so nice and positive and happy all the time. It makes my day when you walk through that door." !!! I thanked her for being so sweet, but I walked off scratching my head. Unless she was totally bullshitting me, she obviously sees something I don't. I am not really one to try to act all chipper and cheerful when I'm dying inside, either. So she must have just caught me on good days or else she's normally surrounded by grouchy bitches. :) It's just funny to hear how someone else perceives you.

I've noticed some changes lately in myself that I am just trying to experience, and not interpret and dissect them to death. DH had two days off work last week due to the snow. First day, the kids were home too. The second day they had school. I was actually extremely disappointed that he wasn't going to work. I wanted to be alone, wanted to get back in my normal routine. Most of the time during all this, I was so clingy and just desperate for time with him alone....time to try to gauge how he was feeling, what he was doing, how he felt about me. Now I have more and more occasions where I think I just don't want to look at him right now. At night I find myself curled up in a ball facing away from him, which is how I slept for several months last year.....first when I felt something was amiss but couldn't put my finger on it, then when I KNEW something was up but didn't come right out and ask (and looking back, it probably would have been pointless - he would have lied and I'm sure he knew that I knew anyway). It's an interesting evolution.