Today is the first day of the rest of my life....

I forgot to add - over 10 weeks smoke free!!!

2010-03-02T18:22:00.002-05:00

TOOT TOOT TOOT <--- that's me tootin' my horn.This Friday, it will be 11 weeks since my last cigarette. Can you believe it? If I thought I could have one and never have one ever again, I would. I'd love one. But I know I can't. Maybe someday I can....but I'm not going to risk it. I was like that at one time....I'd smoke a cigarette and go years without another. I just think of how much

Switching things up a little bit...and what's up with me

2010-03-02T17:23:00.003-05:00

I decided I miss blogging. Even though much of the turmoil is gone from my life (there's still plenty left, believe me!), I still have a lot to say. I've changed so much so decided it was time to change some things on my blog too.I have taken steps to get out of my marriage....really get out, not just say I'm going to do it. I went to see my attorney in early February. I filled out all the

Perfection

2010-01-14T18:04:00.003-05:00

I got a book at the library last week that I've read reviews of in several magazines and newspapers. It's called Perfection, by Julie Metz. It's about this woman whose husband dies and she finds out after he's dead that he's had affairs with 5 other women, one of them a friend. He is basically a pig. Originally, before I actually read the book, I thought they'd had this perfect storybook

I am such a neglectful blogger :(

2009-11-28T15:39:00.003-05:00

I got a comment from Anonymous wishing me a happy Thanksgiving and I realized that I haven't blogged in over 2 months. I'm such a slacker. Actually not blogging is a good sign with me. When my blogs were frequent and rambling, I was in a bad place mentally. I could think of nothing but my situation.....my mind raced. Now.....in some ways things are a million times better. Some things are

Comments

2009-09-11T18:04:00.002-04:00

To respond to some of the comments on my previous post...........not running anymore. I had to give it up. I have had horrible hip pain on and off for years, since my last pregnancy. When I was running, it didn't hurt at the time but it sure hurt bad later. Really bad....it took me forever to get out of bed every morning and get moving. I had never been to a chiropractor before and was a

I'm alive!!!

2009-09-01T16:14:00.002-04:00

In case you were afraid I wasn't....I thought I'd better check in. I'll get right to the point. I've decided to get out of my marriage. Now...keep in mind that it took me over a year to come to that decision. Who the hell knows how long it will take me to actually DO it. I feel like I am perched on the edge of a cliff, just waiting to leap....and I just can't do it. I feel like if someone

Born to run...that's me :)

2009-06-25T18:32:00.003-04:00

Ok...born to run is a little bit of an exaggeration. But I got this wild idea a few weeks ago that I wanted to start running. So I found information on line about the Couch to 5k program. You're supposed to be able to run a 5k within 9 weeks. The program starts really slow and you increase your running time and distance every week. I am on week 4 now. I never thought I'd say it...but I

Been a long time....

2009-06-24T14:04:00.003-04:00

I have posted anything in over a month. Not that nothing's been going on....just haven't made the time to do it.I had something come up in the last month. I'll go into what it was in a minute....but I have had this total turnaround of what I think, what I feel, what I want, what I need, what I know. I've spent SO much time searching for answers, yet even when I've found them, I find a way to

A step up (or maybe it's down?) from Dr Phil....

2009-05-22T17:23:00.003-04:00

...is something I saw on Desperate Housewives a couple weeks ago that just struck a nerve with me. If you don't watch you won't know who this character is, but the comment was made by Carl....Susan's ex-husband and Bree's divorce attorney. I know Carl is a total cad but I've always liked the character....he's so bad he's amusing. Anyway...Bree was having second thoughts about divorcing her

Laugh if you want....

2009-05-21T12:05:00.002-04:00

....but you can learn a lot from Dr. Phil. His no-bullshit, lay-it-on-the-line common sense is just what I need sometimes. Too bad he can't reach through the TV and kick me in the seat of the pants.Yesterday's show was not about infidelity, but there was a couple on there with major issues. Both of them. He was an ass and she allowed herself to be treated like total shit. Sound familiar???

How do you turn your mind off....and other stuff

2009-05-06T12:06:00.008-04:00

DH's sweetness didn't last....the imposter is gone and same old same old is back in his place, which isn't ALL bad, but there are some ups and downs. He was perfect and sweet and kind and loving, and within a matter of days, he was acting kind of like a shit again. Sunday morning I asked him if anything was wrong because he acted like he'd rather be anywhere but with me, and he said "that's what

Psychological testing

2009-04-27T16:41:00.004-04:00

Months ago, I tore an article about men and depression out of a magazine. Thought DH showed more than one of the signs. Whether or not he's depressed has come up with other counselors, but DH insists he is not depressed and the subject's been dropped. I'm not so sure. Dr E wants to find out. A friend asked me if I found out that DH IS depressed, will it make what's happened easier on me? I

Book review

2009-04-18T13:05:00.002-04:00

I told you about my one and only book I've read in over a year. It's Happens Every Day by Isabel Gillies. It's about the end of this couple's marriage. I don't know that I'd say I ENJOYED it. It is such a depressing subject. But having been there, it was certainly interesting.The husband, Josiah, had been married before. He cheated on his first wife while she was pregnant and she divorced

BIG accomplishment :)

2009-04-16T13:23:00.004-04:00

Not really....just thought that was a good attention-grabber. :) It's really a small accomplishment. But let me back up a bit.....I have let a lot of things fall by the wayside in the last year. Some friends.....volunteer activities.....hobbies. Some things I'm glad to let go of. I discovered that I had a lot of friendships where I was really the only one initiating everything. Or there were

Haven't felt like blogging

2009-04-06T16:05:00.002-04:00

Just not in the mood. Nothing's been great...nothing's been terrible....I've just not been in the mood.I do have a confession to make. I never quit smoking when I swore I was going to several months ago. I made a couple feeble attempts. I never smoked over the weekends anyway....so every Monday seemed like a perfect time to make a fresh start. And every Monday I'd find myself driving

Panic

2009-03-19T17:46:00.004-04:00

I think I am having panic attacks. Or maybe they're anxiety attacks. Are they the same?Past 2 nights I've woken up with a super tight feeling my chest, feel like I can't breathe, and am just scared to death.. Of what....I don't know. Neither time have I remembered a bad dream I was having. I am able to calm myself down and then I'm fine.

More on the opposite sex entry from a week or two ago

2009-03-18T14:25:00.002-04:00

I JUST remembered something that at the time I thought was really weird.....but now.....I realize there could be something behind it....you just never know.We have some neighbors across the street. "Bob" is a fireman and his home several days during the week with the kids while his wife is at work. "Susan" works full-time and is only home during the day on weekends. Both are extremely nice

Taking leaps

2009-03-13T10:02:00.002-04:00

I don't know if I'm just having a bad week or what (well, I KNOW I'm having a bad week - but I don't know if that's the reason I'm feeling this way) but I have come to the conclusion that I just can't live this way. I can't. I'm sad. I don't want to be sad....and "love" should not hurt like this. Love is supposed to feel good, right?I guess I have known this for a while....just took me too

Miscellany

2009-03-12T10:28:00.004-04:00

I was asked in a comment on my previous post how our last counseling session went. The answer is: eh...it was okay. Still love the doctor. Very straightforward, no sugar-coating at all. He says he sees us as "teetering", and he's absolutely right. At one point I did want to get up and high-five him, but I refrained. It's a long story....I won't go into the entire thing but in a nutshell

The opposite sex

2009-03-02T09:59:00.003-05:00

I found Isle Dance's comment on my last entry interesting....because I've been dealing with that issue a little bit myself. Not so much in terms of my own behavior, but someone else's.....I have a few male friends. Mostly old friends from high school. I am not friends with any old boyfriends....most of my relationships didn't end amicably enough for that. I keep in touch with one of my guy

Lent

2009-02-27T15:28:00.003-05:00

I don't normally give up anything for Lent. Occasionally I'll give up SOMETHING, just to go a long with the rest of the family, but usually it's something pretty painless or not very meaningful.This year.....I am giving up something. I am giving up obsessing or searching for information related to my situation and affairs in general. I get some emails from various places....newsletters, tips,

I am angry

2009-02-23T13:25:00.005-05:00

That's a lot of my problem. I have just been very angry lately. Part of it, I'm sure, is the "anniversary" aspect of it. I can pretty much tell you what I was doing this time last year.....sitting on bed, staring at ceiling or out the window, alternating between distraught crying and numb, barely functioning and just half-assed doing what I needed to for my kids and around the house. Then there

Today's appointment

2009-02-18T13:52:00.007-05:00

I had a counseling session alone today. It is bothering DH to no end. I'm surprised he didn't ask me to record the whole thing. He hasn't come right out and asked me for every last details but he asked how it went and clearly is curious. I told him that it was actually good and I learned a lot. He asked what I learned a lot about and I said mostly me, some about him, and some of about that stupid

And today is even worse than Valentine's Day

2009-02-17T11:57:00.003-05:00

Today is the "anniversary"....the day my heart broke. I had planned on giving myself a mental health day today....just do whatever I wanted, or do nothing. Just sit and cry, sit and watch TV, eat like a pig. But it's really just been a day like any other.

Valentine's Day

2009-02-16T17:18:00.002-05:00

I was so not looking forward to Valentine's Day this year. Last year's Valentine's Day, and the days surrounding it, were hell. Sheer hell. The most painful days of my life. If I think about it too much I can feel such pain and almost feel like I'm back there. But I made it through. My heart hurt quite a few times over the last few days, but I am done...it's over....and I never have to live

"I never meant to hurt you"

2009-02-05T16:56:00.004-05:00

If I never hear those words strung together ever again, it will be too soon. I LOATHE that statement. I'm sure you've guessed by now that I've heard DH say it. A million times. But guess what? I don't buy it.Okay....giving him the benefit of the doubt, maybe he didn't have an affair with that in mind...."wow, this will REALLY hurt her. I'm going to go for it". But every step of the way, did he

"Incompability Landmines"

2009-02-03T07:57:00.003-05:00

For the last 6 months or so, I've felt like someone at my local newspaper has been stalking me. The Life section has been full of articles about divorce in general, financial tips for divorcing couples, infidelity, marital strife, is this relationship worth salvaging, blah blah blah. Today there's an article called Incompatibility Landmines, Avoid a Failed Relationship by Recognizing the

Perception is interesting

2009-02-02T12:40:00.003-05:00

For the last year I haven't been myself. In some ways that's actually good. I've made some changes that really needed to happen, though I didn't really know it at the time. For a very long time I really didn't want to interact with anyone. My contact with anyone outside my family was pretty minimal. I was okay on the phone with friends but getting together, face-to-face was not something I was

Gave myself a 5 week pass

2009-01-24T22:06:00.002-05:00

We had our appointment this morning. I majorly screwed up because I thought it was at 11:30 and it was actually at 11:00....so we showed up 30 minutes late. I hate tardiness so I really am annoyed with myself that I did that. But it actually turned out okay. We didn't need more than 30 minutes anyway. We went in, I told him that I hadn't wanted to come and why, and we scheduled an appointment

A little better....

2009-01-23T16:54:00.003-05:00

....but not a whole lot. We have a counseling appt tomorrow. I almost cancelled this one too. I just want to tell him that I want to take a break. Give me a month to get past some of these "anniversaries". But I never cancelled so I guess I'm going, unless I send DH alone. But I'm planning to tell him that I'm apprehensive about these appointments right now....that I really just don't want

This has been a long, bad week

2009-01-16T13:48:00.002-05:00

Started off with DH leaving for the week. It's weird....I don't really miss him but at the same time, I'm struggling with him being gone. I think I mentioned in my previous post (but I'm too lazy to go check!) that this particular place he went just is a trigger for all kinds of negative emotions. I have had crazy thoughts all week. DH has not helped really. First two days, he called, texted

I don't know what's wrong with me

2009-01-14T12:44:00.002-05:00

I have been so down this week. DH is out of town. He is out of town at the same place he went last year when he was all hot and heavy with the ugly dumbass,and a lot of his plotting and lying revolved around that trip to this place. Apparently it's a trigger and I'm NOT dealing well with it at all. I've spent a lot of time staring out the window, crying, just wallowing in misery. Misery is a

Appointment looming - Saturday

2009-01-12T11:57:00.003-05:00

And I don't want to go. Really don't want to go AT ALL. Will I go? Probably. But I don't want to. I've been in a funk since our last session. Nothing really has happened, I just feel like if this is what our life is like, I don't want it. I have wondered quite a bit what things would have been like if I had been the one to cheat. A friend says she thinks men are more forgiving. I don't

Therapy sucks

2009-01-05T13:45:00.002-05:00

We had our first appointment that was really really awful. Crying, yelling. Both from me, I might add. Nastiness from DH. He has apologized over and over....says he hates that he made me cry because he's hurt me enough already. Asked me if I wanted to quit going (and probably secretly hoping to God that I'd say yes). And right now, I'd have to say YES, I'd LOVE to quit going. But I know

2009 has got to be better

2008-12-31T11:00:00.002-05:00

Right? I guess 2008 wasn't ALL bad. My kids are healthy, and that's always something to be thankful for. But emotionally....I know I haven't had a worse year than 2008. No way, no how.

Christmas

2008-12-28T14:50:00.003-05:00

Mine was actually pretty fabulous....delightful, relaxing, loving, wonderful, lazy. Started out by waking up early (I always have gotten up before the kids....I just need a few minutes at least of peace and quiet before I start my day....ANY day). DH and I were lying in bed talking before we got up.....out of the blue he says "I'm so sorry". I asked why. He said "For hurting you, for what I did,

Too bad to stay, too good to leave

2008-12-17T13:08:00.007-05:00

That's the title of a book. I haven't yet seen the book. I have spent oodles of money on self-help books and refuse to spend a penny more. And I hate checking stuff like this out at the library...which I know is just stupid.But the title has me intrigued. It describes my situation pretty accurately, I think. That actually makes things a little more difficult, more complicated, more confusing. I

Glimpses of my old self

2008-12-11T11:21:00.003-05:00

I wouldn't say I'm back to normal by any means. I am still untrusting, still quite sad at times, still unforgiving...I am just changed. But the dynamics of the relationship have changed over the last few months. I am no longer clingy, no longer desperate, no longer depressed and barely functioning, no longer constantly looking over my shoulder. Somewhere in there I just realized that no

Feeling a little down :(

2008-12-01T12:56:00.005-05:00

Nothing's happened (that I know of...when will I quit saying that??), but this is the time last year that everything got started up. I guess this will always make me sad...just like lots of other "anniversaries" associated with this whole mess.We had another counseling appointment a few days ago. I probably sound like a freak saying this, but I actually rather enjoy our sessions. This guy is

For the first time in a long time....

2008-11-23T21:13:00.002-05:00

....I'm actually excited about a holiday coming up. For the last year I've pretty much just gone through the motions for any big event. I am really looking forward to Thanksgiving. It feels nice to look forward to something.

In 3 months it will be the one-year mark....

2008-11-13T12:11:00.002-05:00

....the magical drop dead date I set for myself. If I don't feel much more positive, less paranoid, more hopeful by then, I'm done, finished, gone, moving on. DH doesn't know about this. I never told him, and I don't think he needs to know either. My goal is to make the next 3 months as happy as possible for both of us. I want to enjoy Thanksgiving, I want to enjoy Christmas, we have an

Glad I'm not THERE anymore

2008-11-11T16:08:00.002-05:00

I got an email from a friend the other day....she is not a close friend, or even a "real life" friend. We met on an AOL message board...we have kids born the same month. Months ago she emailed me and asked if I was okay, she hadn't heard from me much and when she did I didn't seem like myself. So I told her the whole story. She's been very nice. Anyway....emailed me Saturday to tell me that

Finally grew a set....

2008-11-05T13:13:00.002-05:00

....and called the counselor. Got his voicemail, which made me quite happy. That's what avoiding someone is all about, you know...catching the voicemail instead of the actual person. :P I know I didn't HAVE to call him. I could just continue to avoid him and I'm sure I wouldn't hear from him again. But I don't know....I just have a hard time with being a wimp like that. Anyway....I

No "jabs", negative talk, etc.

2008-11-04T14:46:00.004-05:00

At our last counseling session, new counselor suggested that I try very hard to refrain from making "jabs" at DH about things he's done and things that have happened. DH had mentioned that he knows he deserves them, but it also makes it hard sometimes for him to look forward to being with me or talking to me because he never knows when I'm going to throw something out there. Counselor asked me to

Very nice weekend

2008-11-03T18:57:00.003-05:00

Went to visit DH for the weekend. After the way I'd felt last week, I was kind of regretting making the plans to go. In fact sitting at the airport I had the urge to either not get on the plane or just not join DH when I got to my destination. I was overcome with dread but went ahead with my plans. I ended up being very pleasantly surprised. We didn't end up doing anything special....no

I'm feeling a lot better

2008-10-28T13:46:00.002-04:00

I think the weekend was just kind of hard....much different than the normal routine. That just takes some getting used to. I've been a lot better the last couple days.My attorney (he's not really *my* attorney....I haven't retained him, just had a consultation) had originally told me NOT to get a job. He said that my income has been zero all these years and I should keep it that way. But I

Still sad :(

2008-10-25T18:17:00.003-04:00

I am still sad. Just plain old sad. I hate it. I feel myself slipping back into old ways and I desperately don't want to. So working on that.I have said repeatedly from the beginning of all this "time will tell". And it will. Anything that needs to be known will come out somehow, sometime. I just need to find peace. At times I've had it, at times I lose sight of it. I guess I need to

I am sad

2008-10-24T19:21:00.000-04:00

Nothing in particular has happened to make me sad....but I am sad. I feel sad and tired and scared and confused. DH can tell too....called today to check on me. Dr E told us not to talk about "it" while he's out of town. That made DH mighty happy. On the one hand, I think after what he's done to me, I am entitled to talk about whatever the hell I want. But on the other hand, it really

Quote and other stuff

2008-10-23T09:17:00.000-04:00

"When people show you who they are, believe them the first time." I had mentioned this quote a couple posts ago , received a comment on it, and thought it was worth further discussion. I think this quote can be interpreted in different ways. To ME, and my situation, I think it likely means that DH has shown me what he's capable of, shown me the kind of person he is, and I need to realize

I miss him

2008-10-22T11:23:00.001-04:00

I wish I didn't....but I do. I wish I hated him, but I don't. I wish I trusted him, but I don't. I wish I was using this time apart constructively, but I'm not (I will cut myself some slack on that since it's only been two days). I wish I was writing about something more interesting, but I'm not. Whine whine whine. :)

Odd....interesting...wow...and other stuff

2008-10-21T06:18:00.000-04:00

Slept alone last night for the first time since all this mess started (except for one night last month that he was out of town). Since February I have not slept well. I sleep, and I don't have long periods of lying there awake, but I do wake up frequently during the night. I would say I wake up maybe 10 times. Last night.....cracked window to let in nice cool air (LOVE sleeping like that),

I was wrong

2008-10-20T21:45:00.000-04:00

I cried when I left. Hard. Then continued to cry a little (discreetly, I hope) on two flights. He sniffled. I was greeted by three girls who were very happy to see me. Four girls if you count the dog. :)I read a couple magazines today. One was an Oprah magazine that my mom had given me. I am not a big Oprah fan and I normally either don't read the magazine or just flip through it. Today,

Miscellaneous musings

2008-10-18T18:20:00.000-04:00

I have become quite the cyber-sleuth. I've managed to find quite a bit of information...some useless, some pretty handy, and some that just feeds this beast that is my curiosity. I have a few readers who I don't know who've come across my blog and left comments. I wonder if I have more readers who don't comment....then I wonder if I have readers I DO know who wouldn't dare comment? Though I

Counseling

2008-10-05T15:43:00.001-04:00

We have left a trail of counselors behind us.....strewn and discarded and ditched. DH saw one alone, we saw one together, we saw another together....2nd one we saw together I am now seeing alone. 2nd guy thinks DH really needs to be in therapy badly...so I asked DH to try new guy, 3rd guy, together figuring that's better than nothing. And why do I care if he has therapy or not, you may ask?

I never cease to be amazed...

2008-09-29T14:01:00.000-04:00

...by the kindness of strangers. You all leave these comments that bring me to tears...happy tears....tears of gratitude...tears of sadness that I even have this $%#@-ing blog. I'd rather be blogging about happy shit....hobbies, children, blah blah blah...anything but the mess my life can be. But it is what it is. For some reason, ever since February, any kindness anyone shows me just makes me

One more stab

2008-09-29T09:03:00.001-04:00

I am going against every ounce of common sense that I have...whether I even have any is debatable.....but we are going to give another couples counselor a try. We have an appointment this afternoon. I guess the fact that I'm even questioning if I have any common sense must mean I have SOME, right??? Humor me here.I also have a confession to make. I have been smoking. I've actually been

Doom & gloom, sadness, anger....blah

2008-09-20T16:32:00.001-04:00

I have been dealing with volatile emotions lately. I am angry quite a bit.....I am sad quite a bit more. :( I am angry with him, angry with myself. Why can't I just bite the bullet and do what I need to do? Why do I desperately wish it was possible to stay married to this man (note: I still may wish it was possible but I do know now that it is not)? I can tell you right now why I'm having a hard

It's been a while....

2008-09-03T14:04:00.000-04:00

....since I've blogged. The shittier my life became, the less interested I was in it. I guess that's not really true....my life was way shitter when I started this. Things have not improved in most ways, but my mental state has.I am at the point now where I know what I need to do...just need to gather the strength to actually do it. It took me a while to get to this. For months I wasn't even

Still plugging along

2008-07-15T08:28:00.000-04:00

I don't really have much to say....don't really feel like blogging....but I am still making it day by day. Still not sure where this journey will take me, but I'll know when I get there.I LOVE our new counselor. LOVE LOVE LOVE him. I can't say enough how much I love him. Did I mention that I love him? :) No beating around the bush, no long stories about other people we don't give a shit

One day at a time....

2008-06-26T15:40:00.000-04:00

...this is how I live my life these days. I take it one day at a time. Most days are decent. Most days I actually feel pretty happy. The lows are less low and take me less time to recover. I like our new therapist. He doesn't seem to be afraid to say things that need to be said. And heard. For both of us. He asks pertinent questions. The old one used to fixate on DH's resentment on a

New therapist today - so kinda looking forward to it, kinda not

2008-06-17T11:25:00.000-04:00

We have an appointment this afternoon with our new therapist. I have talked to him on the phone twice. He seems very nice...has a sweet, soothing voice. I know that doesn't mean anything, but at least just talking to him didn't fill me with dread. DH is on-board.....I told him I'd be happy to go alone and would rather have it that way if he is not going to be open and honest. So we'll see. Wish

Still plugging along....

2008-06-15T14:43:00.001-04:00

....I will not go into details....in no mood to.....but there've been lots of ups and downs. Very unsure of where things are going. I am taking it one day at a time.New developments I DO want to talk about: 1) we are seeing a new therapist starting on Tuesday. We got dumped/were about to fire our old one. I went for a male perspective this time. Actually, I had planned to go alone after DH

My 4 readers will be disappointed....

2008-06-03T12:24:00.000-04:00

...but I don't think I'll be updating my blog for a while. My life has become too pathetic, too sad, too hopeless to bother. I'd feel stupid even putting most of it in writing. :(

All is (mostly) well again

2008-05-27T07:30:00.000-04:00

I find it so frustrating that my moods & feelings can turn on a dime. I can be pretty fine, as fine as I can be anyway, and then suddenly I have all these negative thoughts and suspicions and assumptions that weren't there the day before. But on the bright side, I can switch from feeling down to back up again in the same way....which is what happened last week. By the time we went for our

I am sad

2008-05-22T11:25:00.000-04:00

It's amazing what one bad thing, one upsetting piece of data, can do to my mental state. I had been feeling pretty up, and really I do feel good most days. But yesterday threw me for a loop. And there's really no reason. Nothing NEW happened. It was not a surprise. It's not like I didn't basically already know this information. Why did I get so upset? After we went to bed last night, I told DH

Got one of my questions answered in a roundabout way....

2008-05-21T17:32:00.000-04:00

...a little backstory: we had our counseling appointment today. Dr. O never read the article, which kind of bugged me, but we did discuss it some. She still is adamant that I don't need to know the details....that they will cause obsession. DH is adamant that I don't need the details (he is probably adamant for various reasons, but one is that he thinks it will cause obsession). I was

Article on needing to know the details

2008-05-20T14:12:00.000-04:00

I hope this link works....this is the article that has had me thinking that I do deserve to be told the details if I want them (I always thought I "deserved" it but thought maybe I ought to just let it go).http://www.infidelity.com/index.cfm/event/article/class/Trouble-Suspicion/articleId/439.htmlI am not real sure about Peggy Vaughan. I haven't seen her book but have read a little about her on

Questions, lies, details

2008-05-20T07:12:00.000-04:00

I have been thinking a lot about the details of DH's affair. Not the sex so much (though I do have a couple fairly vague questions about that)....just other things I really want to know. Like did he ever go to her house, what gifts did she give him and does he still have them, had her husband suspected and confronted her or was he totally in the dark, when was the first time they ever got

Counseling woes

2008-05-17T08:20:00.000-04:00

I don't know why I post this stuff....I only have 2 readers. I could just email the 2 of you. But this is more fun.On Wednesday, we had our first counseling session that didn't seem like it was productive. She has us do this communication thing where one of us is the intiator and the other is the inquisitor. It is actually very effective and while we may not use that exact method, we are

Support

2008-05-13T10:04:00.001-04:00

DH and I have been seeing a counselor together for a couple months now. I think we are getting a lot out of it. We have an appointment tomorrow after several weeks off because she was out of town. I am actually looking forward to it, oddly. I will be happy to report that we've really had a pretty smooth three weeks, with only one bad blip. I have thought for a while that I need to someone on

ANOTHER good weekend! :)

2008-05-12T06:27:00.000-04:00

I think this is 4 in a row. Amazing. Though for some reason, I was on edge. I felt jumpy all weekend, and actually felt like I was having some anxiety symptoms (very tight chest, unable to catch my breath). It's probably because I did a little snooping...didn't turn up anything, but then my mind starts to race: what if THIS means something, what if THAT means something? What if, what if,

What if I'm being stupid?

2008-05-08T14:19:00.000-04:00

No matter how well things are going, this is a thought I always have not far from the front of my mind....what if I'm being stupid? What if all kinds of things are going on behind my back and I'm just being a complete idiot and not seeing them, not figuring things out, not WANTING to figure things out (oh, but I do want to figure things out, so I don't think that's it)? Logic tells me that no,

Apologies - how much is enough?

2008-05-06T07:59:00.000-04:00

My husband has apologized over and over....verbally, in writing, just by the look on his face. I know he is sorry. At first, it seemed like he was more sorry for having to deal the mess he'd made. But as time went on, it was obvious that he had become quite distressed by the pain he'd caused me and the horribleness of what he'd done to me and our marriage and even himself. For now anyway, we

Peaks and valleys

2008-05-01T15:21:00.000-04:00

I've been having mostly peaks lately. Yesterday, however, was a valley. A very low valley. Yesterday was a stay at home and feel sorry for myself day. By mid- to late-afternoon, however, I was pretty much over it. I'm back to plugging away. I guess the key to having more peaks is to be able to stick with it through the valleys.

Another good weekend

2008-04-28T08:40:00.000-04:00

We had another good weekend....no drama, no trauma, no tears (well, I did cry a little here and there by myself, but not because of anything new that's happened recently- just a little sad at times over things....completely natural I'm sure), no fighting, no nothing. We had an interesting thing happen on Fri evening. He came home from work and pretty much as soon as he walked in he said "I need

Time really DOES heal all wounds

2008-04-25T16:39:00.000-04:00

Well I wouldn't say I'm HEALED. Far from it. But when I think of mental state now vs. 2 months ago, a month ago, even 2 weeks ago....what a difference. I still have a lot of the same thoughts that bothered me before, but they bother me less, and less often. They are now simply thoughts rather than obsessions. The last week or so has been pretty good for me. I feel more like my old self than

Affairs in the pre-electronics age and playing hard to get

2008-04-24T09:02:00.001-04:00

I have thought of this numerous times....it's goofy.....but how in the world did people carry on affairs before cell phones and email? I know we are spoiled now by these modern "necessities", but think about how much more difficult it would be to carry on an affair without them. Obviously it was done! I know it was easier for him to hide his whereabouts on several occasions....I have not demanded

Marriage counselors should not be allowed to go on vacation :)

2008-04-23T13:22:00.001-04:00

Kidding, of course. We had an appointment today and won't see her again until May 14th. We could kill each other by then. :) Actually, I'm hoping that when we see her next we can tell her that we've made great strides.

Good days/bad days and forgiveness

2008-04-22T16:53:00.001-04:00

I most definitely think my good days are more and more frequent....and my bad days don't suck nearly as bad. I guess that will keep on until the bad days are seldom and the good days are a way of life again. I can't wait.I have felt very positive the last few days, and very hopeful. More hopeful than I have in a long time. I just feel like he is where he wants to be and before I was just

We had a good weekend....

2008-04-21T12:50:00.000-04:00

....nothing exciting. Just no trauma, no drama, no nothing. I didn't go looking for trouble and it didn't find me. It was a nice change.

Hi ho, hi ho....it's back to work I go.....

2008-04-18T16:13:00.001-04:00

...despite saying I'm making no rash decision....I am pretty sure I'm going back to work.Started out innocently enough. My friend works at the junior high and is dying for me to take a secretarial position when this lady retires at the end of the year. The job would be perfect for me....my kids' schedule would be the same as mine (days off-wise), two of my kids would be at the same school

Is it possible to love someone who has hurt you so badly?

2008-04-17T13:16:00.001-04:00

My husband can't figure out why I still love him and want him around. He is glad that I do...and has said so quite a few times....but just can't imagine what he'd do if the shoe was on the other foot. We've had setbacks, horrible arguments, revelations, epiphanies, flung hateful words and accusations at each other....and he is just not sure that he'd still be here if I was the one who had

I think I need some Xanax.....

2008-04-16T08:00:00.000-04:00

....just to go to our counseling appointments. They are not bad....I thought lots of ugly things would come out but they don't. She doesn't focus on the affair so much as the state of our relationship that led us to this, and what we want more of/less of/to improve in our marriage. But I still dread the appointments. At least I get breakfast out afterwards (we do that every week).More on the

Now I remember how much I used to like to write

2008-04-15T17:39:00.000-04:00

I never remember really having goals for myself when I was a kid, or a teenager, or even an adult for that matter. My parents were not the encouraging types....they weren't DIScouraging but they were never very involved in my education, my grades didn't matter, they had no clue what was going on. Perhaps that's the way most parents were back then, as opposed to today's helicopter parents (which

Just call me Sybil

2008-04-15T17:12:00.000-04:00

I know it is not nice to poke fun at those with multiple personality disorder. But I'd swear I had it sometimes. I go from strong, confident, and positive to blubbery, anxious, panicky, and flipped out in about 24 seconds. If that. Something as simple as not being able to get in touch with my husband around lunchtime can set me off. And I KNOW it's stupid...but it doesn't stop me. As hokey

You find out who your friends are.....

2008-04-15T09:16:00.000-04:00

I have a lot of friends. I am a blabbermouth and I'll talk to anyone.....so just about everywhere I go I pick up a friend or two. I have a few friends I've known for over 25 years. I have numerous online friends, some of whom I am pretty close to. I have a neighbor I am pretty tight with. I have a couple close friends and many acquaintances I've met through my kids. I also have lots of

Choosing to believe....hardest thing I've ever done

2008-04-14T14:12:00.000-04:00

Our couples counselor has talked about trust issues....about my need to trust again, about the need for him to provide reassurance when I need it. Neither of us has done a very good job with those things. I think I am just habitually on high alert now. It's hard not to be. He is just not good with communicating, though he is getting better, and has a hard time sometimes with uttering the

Most effective weight loss plan ever....but I don't recommend it

2008-04-13T09:26:00.000-04:00

If you've ever known a woman who is going through some horrible relationship problem (like mine) or a divorce (like I might), have you noticed how much weight she lost? It has happened with every woman I know.My husband met this other woman in November or December. Became friends, then even friendlier, and by January the affair had become physical (though from what I am able to piece togehter

Do you think this is true? 75% of married men have cheated

2008-04-12T16:39:00.000-04:00

I've read various statistics on infedility....and saw today that up to 75% of married men have cheated. That's 3 out of 4. So I look around at all the men I know, and even the ones I don't know, and just have a hard time imagining that 3 out of 4 of them have strayed. That is just mind-boggling.I know a lot of decent guys. I have a couple male friends who I just think are the most stand-up

Will I ever be the same? Do I even want to be?

2008-04-11T13:06:00.001-04:00

I am getting into this blogging business. :)Many times through this ordeal, I have wished I could just go back to being my "old self". My old self was not suspicious. My old self believed her husband when he said he was going to the gym, to get coffee, to get his hair cut, to a meeting, on an overnight business trip, even to work. My old self didn't look through briefcases and wallets, didn't

"If my husband did that to ME, I'd _________"

2008-04-11T07:05:00.001-04:00

For at least a couple weeks, I didn't tell anyone what was going on in my life. I stayed on my bed almost all day, alternating crying and sleeping and just staring. Finally, I opened up to a few people. I was careful in choosing who I told, because if my husband and I end up staying together, there are some people who I know would not be able to be civil to him if they knew what he'd done. I

First entry

2008-04-10T16:49:00.000-04:00

I am a mother, married for 15 years. I found out almost 2 months ago that my husband had been having a short-lived affair. When I merely suspected, I expected to throw him out on his ass. And I nearly did. But then I decided that despite his acting like a complete ass and "crushing my aorta" (got that from a friend, and boy is it a good description!), I do love him, and despite not being