TOOT TOOT TOOT <--- that's me tootin' my horn.
This Friday, it will be 11 weeks since my last cigarette. Can you believe it? If I thought I could have one and never have one ever again, I would. I'd love one. But I know I can't. Maybe someday I can....but I'm not going to risk it. I was like that at one time....I'd smoke a cigarette and go years without another. I just think of how much money I've saved (cigs are over $5 a pack here, which I know is cheap compared to other places but wasted money no matter how much they are!), how I don't smell bad anymore (I HATE the smell of cigarettes on clothes and hair - ick), I'm not wasting time by having to go somewhere to smoke since I didn't smoke at home.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Switching things up a little bit...and what's up with me
I decided I miss blogging. Even though much of the turmoil is gone from my life (there's still plenty left, believe me!), I still have a lot to say. I've changed so much so decided it was time to change some things on my blog too.
I have taken steps to get out of my marriage....really get out, not just say I'm going to do it. I went to see my attorney in early February. I filled out all the forms necessary to file for divorce and paid him almost $3000. I'm doing it. He has everything ready to file.....he's just waiting for me to tell him when.
A couple weeks ago, I was ready. I called H at work and told him that I want out. I told him that I'm sick of sleeping on the edge of the bed because I want to be far away from him. I want peace. I am done. He is not. He thinks we can "fix" things. I told him that I don't want to touch him, I will never want to touch him and will NEVER trust him. I don't hate him (though I should, and I wonder why I don't?) but I don't love him. H started sleeping on the couch.
The following week we got some very sad news. Our much loved, very spoiled, very sweet dog - G - has cancer. She won't live long. There's nothing we can do. We will just try to keep her as comfortable and happy as possible then let her go when the time comes. I was heartbroken to hear the news. I knew G was very sick....she hadn't been well for close to a month....but I had hoped it was something fixable. She's been a wonderful, loving, and faithful member of our family. She will be missed terribly.
So now....after all these months and months of excuses that kept me from taking the plunge....I have a very real roadblock. My kids know that G is dying and are very sad about it. If I knew she'd live another 4 or 5 months, I'd tell them about the divorce now. But I really don't think G will last that long. So I plan to wait a little while after she passes before I get out. I don't want to pile the heartbreak on all at once. :(
I have been seeing my therapist again and plan to discuss this with him at our next appointment.
For now, I am taking care of G like a sick kid. I cook for her,.I sleep with her on an Aerobed in the family room every night so I can let her out several times during the night (she drinks a lot of water and has to go out A LOT).
It's so weird to me how I feel done. How I don't wonder what he's doing anymore....how quite honestly I just don't care. I feel almost thrilled at times at the thought of starting a new normal, one without him. But I do feel bad for my kids. It's so hard to face hurting them.
I have taken steps to get out of my marriage....really get out, not just say I'm going to do it. I went to see my attorney in early February. I filled out all the forms necessary to file for divorce and paid him almost $3000. I'm doing it. He has everything ready to file.....he's just waiting for me to tell him when.
A couple weeks ago, I was ready. I called H at work and told him that I want out. I told him that I'm sick of sleeping on the edge of the bed because I want to be far away from him. I want peace. I am done. He is not. He thinks we can "fix" things. I told him that I don't want to touch him, I will never want to touch him and will NEVER trust him. I don't hate him (though I should, and I wonder why I don't?) but I don't love him. H started sleeping on the couch.
The following week we got some very sad news. Our much loved, very spoiled, very sweet dog - G - has cancer. She won't live long. There's nothing we can do. We will just try to keep her as comfortable and happy as possible then let her go when the time comes. I was heartbroken to hear the news. I knew G was very sick....she hadn't been well for close to a month....but I had hoped it was something fixable. She's been a wonderful, loving, and faithful member of our family. She will be missed terribly.
So now....after all these months and months of excuses that kept me from taking the plunge....I have a very real roadblock. My kids know that G is dying and are very sad about it. If I knew she'd live another 4 or 5 months, I'd tell them about the divorce now. But I really don't think G will last that long. So I plan to wait a little while after she passes before I get out. I don't want to pile the heartbreak on all at once. :(
I have been seeing my therapist again and plan to discuss this with him at our next appointment.
For now, I am taking care of G like a sick kid. I cook for her,.I sleep with her on an Aerobed in the family room every night so I can let her out several times during the night (she drinks a lot of water and has to go out A LOT).
It's so weird to me how I feel done. How I don't wonder what he's doing anymore....how quite honestly I just don't care. I feel almost thrilled at times at the thought of starting a new normal, one without him. But I do feel bad for my kids. It's so hard to face hurting them.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Perfection
I got a book at the library last week that I've read reviews of in several magazines and newspapers. It's called Perfection, by Julie Metz. It's about this woman whose husband dies and she finds out after he's dead that he's had affairs with 5 other women, one of them a friend. He is basically a pig. Originally, before I actually read the book, I thought they'd had this perfect storybook marriage and all she found out after was a total shock. I think she was shocked (I think it would be hard not to be shocked, even if you KNEW your husband was a pig) but their marriage was far from idyllic. He was a jerk.....and he is sometimes eerily similar to another jerk I know.
The end is coming very near here, with MY jerk. I despise him at times, tolerate him at others. I really think he'd go on like this forever just to maintain the status quo. So it's really up to me. There are days I come THIS CLOSE to saying "I don't want to be here anymore" but I think about my girls and it just about kills me. I know it's inevitable....logically I know what I have to do and I know what has to happen. But the whole thing still makes my heart hurt.
Oddly though....I DO feel better. Life is so much different now that I am not wanting to stay together. I'm not hopeful, only to have my hopes dashed each and every time. I don't give any more chances....because I've given too many as it is and he doesn't deserve anymore. Ever. I don't spend my life wondering anymore, or searching, or verifying, or ANYTHING.
One really really good thing: I haven't had a cigarette in 4 weeks. It will be 4 weeks tomorrow. Before that, I'd smoked since March 2007, so almost 2 years. Not a ton on a daily basis, but every single day I'd say "today is the day I'm quitting". But I wouldn't quit. Then I'd be disgusted with myself. My last one was on Dec 18th. I never smoked over the weekends anyway, and I was working the following Tuesday - with a friend who would KILL me if she smelled smoke on me, then on Wednesday the girls would be home for Christmas break. My only chance would have been Monday and I decided it wasn't even worth it for just one day. So I gave them up. The girls have been back in school two weeks and I've had ample opportunity to smoke but I haven't. I think I finally passed that point where the benefits of not smoking meant more to me than the fix. I think if I could have one without getting hooked again I probably would. But I don't think that's possible. At least not for a long long time.
The end is coming very near here, with MY jerk. I despise him at times, tolerate him at others. I really think he'd go on like this forever just to maintain the status quo. So it's really up to me. There are days I come THIS CLOSE to saying "I don't want to be here anymore" but I think about my girls and it just about kills me. I know it's inevitable....logically I know what I have to do and I know what has to happen. But the whole thing still makes my heart hurt.
Oddly though....I DO feel better. Life is so much different now that I am not wanting to stay together. I'm not hopeful, only to have my hopes dashed each and every time. I don't give any more chances....because I've given too many as it is and he doesn't deserve anymore. Ever. I don't spend my life wondering anymore, or searching, or verifying, or ANYTHING.
One really really good thing: I haven't had a cigarette in 4 weeks. It will be 4 weeks tomorrow. Before that, I'd smoked since March 2007, so almost 2 years. Not a ton on a daily basis, but every single day I'd say "today is the day I'm quitting". But I wouldn't quit. Then I'd be disgusted with myself. My last one was on Dec 18th. I never smoked over the weekends anyway, and I was working the following Tuesday - with a friend who would KILL me if she smelled smoke on me, then on Wednesday the girls would be home for Christmas break. My only chance would have been Monday and I decided it wasn't even worth it for just one day. So I gave them up. The girls have been back in school two weeks and I've had ample opportunity to smoke but I haven't. I think I finally passed that point where the benefits of not smoking meant more to me than the fix. I think if I could have one without getting hooked again I probably would. But I don't think that's possible. At least not for a long long time.
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