We had another good weekend....no drama, no trauma, no tears (well, I did cry a little here and there by myself, but not because of anything new that's happened recently- just a little sad at times over things....completely natural I'm sure), no fighting, no nothing.
We had an interesting thing happen on Fri evening. He came home from work and pretty much as soon as he walked in he said "I need to tell you something....I accidentally brought my Blackberry home. It's in my briefcase and it's turned off." I said okay, and that was it. Doesn't sound like a big deal but actually it's HUGE. It stayed in his briefcase all weekend and as far as I know, he didn't touch it. We actually had an argument, a pretty bad one, over that several weeks ago because he had accidentally brought it home and instead of telling me, left it in his car. When he thought I was going to get in his car for something, he started acting all weird....so I asked him if it was in there. He had not meant to bring it home and then didn't know what the best thing to do was after he discovered it. I told him in that situation, the thing to do is bring it in the house, put it somewhere, and don't touch it the rest of the weekend. I told him that the fact that he brought it home doesn't really bother me.....it's when he is using it all the time, taking it with him when he leaves, etc. So I think he handled it perfectly this time.
Monday, April 28, 2008
Friday, April 25, 2008
Time really DOES heal all wounds
Well I wouldn't say I'm HEALED. Far from it. But when I think of mental state now vs. 2 months ago, a month ago, even 2 weeks ago....what a difference. I still have a lot of the same thoughts that bothered me before, but they bother me less, and less often. They are now simply thoughts rather than obsessions.
The last week or so has been pretty good for me. I feel more like my old self than I have in weeks. I'm sad when I think of things I don't like to think about, but for the most part I think I might actually be happy again. Not euphoric, blissfully happy....but just happy, not miserable, mind not racing. It's nice.
The last week or so has been pretty good for me. I feel more like my old self than I have in weeks. I'm sad when I think of things I don't like to think about, but for the most part I think I might actually be happy again. Not euphoric, blissfully happy....but just happy, not miserable, mind not racing. It's nice.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Affairs in the pre-electronics age and playing hard to get
I have thought of this numerous times....it's goofy.....but how in the world did people carry on affairs before cell phones and email? I know we are spoiled now by these modern "necessities", but think about how much more difficult it would be to carry on an affair without them. Obviously it was done! I know it was easier for him to hide his whereabouts on several occasions....I have not demanded a contact number when he's out of town for YEARS because he's had cell phones. Or he'd call and say he was on his way to a meeting and was going to be tied up all afternoon.....pretty convenient, huh?
My husband has a Blackberry....it is not his.....it was issued to him by his employer. It is not supposed to be for personal use, but that is one of those things that no one monitors unless a problem arises with it. So he conducted a lot of his "business" with this woman via his Blackberry....lots of emails, lots of calls. Though she never called while he was at home....the phone was always on, other people called on it, but never her. I think the email was the main thing.....and I'm talking just about every waking moment he was checking it, or reading emails, or writing email. I guess without it she'd have had to call his work phone and they'd have to pre-arrange everything. Now, I hate to see the fucking thing. At the beginning of all this mess, it was a huge issue for us. He said he "needed" it for work....I said he didn't. He rarely to never gets work calls on it after hours. He CAN check his work email on it so he does have a point about that, but really....there's never much of anything that's that urgent that it can't wait until he gets to work in the morning. So we went back and forth on that. At first he'd leave it at work all weekend but bring it home during the week, where it mainly just sat. Now, he doesn't bring it home at all unless he is expecting a call or email that he wants immediately. He did say in the beginning that he could call or email anyone he wants without the Blackberry, and he is right. But to me it was a matter of respect, of caring about my feelings, and that damn Blackberry was a huge part of all the deceit. I got him a cell phone on our family plan and he uses that after work hours. It took a while but he did end up seeing my point and respecting my feelings on this issue. Now....I realize that he could be doing all kinds of things with it when he's not in front of me. And that I can't control.
My other topic: playing hard to get. This whole thing has made me quite needy at times. I felt like I was constantly needing reassurance, constantly hovering, checking, searching, obsessing. As time has gone by and my mental state has improved significantly, I have become less clingy. And I realized that if I need to ask for something all the time, do I want it? One thing that came up in a counseling session was me calling him at work. Throughout our marriage, we have always talked at least a couple times during the workday. It is not unusual for either of us to call the other....it's not a new thing. But it just pissed me off that it came up....what is considered "attention" from one person (see above paragraph about numerous emails and phone calls) is considered nagging and clinging from another. So I quit calling. Just about altogether (I did call once this week....but it's been a week and I've only called once). And lo and behold.....guess who is calling me at least a couple times a day? Guess who is sending me emails, all signed "love you". I don't like to play games, but damn if this isn't a kind of fun one.
On an unrelated note: my next door neighbor is having a garage sale today and it is driving me INSANE. We live on a cul-de-sac where parking is at a minimum. We've had a million cars in and out all day, parking in front of my driveway, in my driveway, in the middle of the street....I just saw some guy picking through my trash. Selfishly, I have a few things I'd like to ask if I can put in the garage sale but I won't for fear that she will ask me to HELP. At which point I would actually BE insane.
My husband has a Blackberry....it is not his.....it was issued to him by his employer. It is not supposed to be for personal use, but that is one of those things that no one monitors unless a problem arises with it. So he conducted a lot of his "business" with this woman via his Blackberry....lots of emails, lots of calls. Though she never called while he was at home....the phone was always on, other people called on it, but never her. I think the email was the main thing.....and I'm talking just about every waking moment he was checking it, or reading emails, or writing email. I guess without it she'd have had to call his work phone and they'd have to pre-arrange everything. Now, I hate to see the fucking thing. At the beginning of all this mess, it was a huge issue for us. He said he "needed" it for work....I said he didn't. He rarely to never gets work calls on it after hours. He CAN check his work email on it so he does have a point about that, but really....there's never much of anything that's that urgent that it can't wait until he gets to work in the morning. So we went back and forth on that. At first he'd leave it at work all weekend but bring it home during the week, where it mainly just sat. Now, he doesn't bring it home at all unless he is expecting a call or email that he wants immediately. He did say in the beginning that he could call or email anyone he wants without the Blackberry, and he is right. But to me it was a matter of respect, of caring about my feelings, and that damn Blackberry was a huge part of all the deceit. I got him a cell phone on our family plan and he uses that after work hours. It took a while but he did end up seeing my point and respecting my feelings on this issue. Now....I realize that he could be doing all kinds of things with it when he's not in front of me. And that I can't control.
My other topic: playing hard to get. This whole thing has made me quite needy at times. I felt like I was constantly needing reassurance, constantly hovering, checking, searching, obsessing. As time has gone by and my mental state has improved significantly, I have become less clingy. And I realized that if I need to ask for something all the time, do I want it? One thing that came up in a counseling session was me calling him at work. Throughout our marriage, we have always talked at least a couple times during the workday. It is not unusual for either of us to call the other....it's not a new thing. But it just pissed me off that it came up....what is considered "attention" from one person (see above paragraph about numerous emails and phone calls) is considered nagging and clinging from another. So I quit calling. Just about altogether (I did call once this week....but it's been a week and I've only called once). And lo and behold.....guess who is calling me at least a couple times a day? Guess who is sending me emails, all signed "love you". I don't like to play games, but damn if this isn't a kind of fun one.
On an unrelated note: my next door neighbor is having a garage sale today and it is driving me INSANE. We live on a cul-de-sac where parking is at a minimum. We've had a million cars in and out all day, parking in front of my driveway, in my driveway, in the middle of the street....I just saw some guy picking through my trash. Selfishly, I have a few things I'd like to ask if I can put in the garage sale but I won't for fear that she will ask me to HELP. At which point I would actually BE insane.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Marriage counselors should not be allowed to go on vacation :)
Kidding, of course. We had an appointment today and won't see her again until May 14th. We could kill each other by then. :) Actually, I'm hoping that when we see her next we can tell her that we've made great strides.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Good days/bad days and forgiveness
I most definitely think my good days are more and more frequent....and my bad days don't suck nearly as bad. I guess that will keep on until the bad days are seldom and the good days are a way of life again. I can't wait.
I have felt very positive the last few days, and very hopeful. More hopeful than I have in a long time. I just feel like he is where he wants to be and before I was just never quite sure. He said that when things are going well he feels like he could almost forget what's happened, what he did. I think we'd be stupid to forget, but I'm glad he wants to....glad he wants to let go of those memories and move ahead.
We have our weekly counseling appointment tomorrow. She doesn't seem to have things scheduled for us to talk about like she did in the beginning. Now she just asks us if we have anything to discuss, and we go from there. This week I have something: last week he brought up that he is always thinking I'm going to follow him somewhere...like at the gym he spends all his time looking over his shoulder, thinking I'm going to be there. I told him....I have not and will not lower myself to following you around. I am not your mother, I don't want to be your mother, if you're doing something you're not "supposed" to, I'm going to find out eventually and will not lower myself to driving all over town. Now, if I KNEW he was up to something and I could bust him, hell yes....I'd be there. In fact, a couple months ago I DID know where he was one day and had plans to go there, find out what was going on once and for all (this was only days before I found out), and I ended up home w/a sick kid. I refused to leave a sick 10 yr old home alone, refused to take her with me (can you imagine?), didn't want to have my mom come over to watch her....so he went un-busted...and it didn't matter - it was too late at that point. The counselor told him that just like I have my own issues to work on (mine is obsessive thoughts about the details of the affair - though I am doing MUCH better), he has his....he is on edge all the time, wondering when something is going to set me off, when I'm going to show up somewhere, etc. I told him that that is unfair to me....I have NEVER followed him anywhere so it is unfair to be angry over the possibility. He HAS, however, lied about his whereabouts and done things to betray me. So my obsessive thoughts certainly make more sense than his obsessive thoughts. I just think that is something that needs to be addressed....if I'm expected to move on, he should as well. I do think a lot of what drives him his guilt. He needs to understand that if I'm going to try to forgive him, then he needs to be working on forgiving himself. I am glad that he's sorry but do think his obsessing is not productive. Of course I'm sure ALL obsessing is not productive.
I have felt very positive the last few days, and very hopeful. More hopeful than I have in a long time. I just feel like he is where he wants to be and before I was just never quite sure. He said that when things are going well he feels like he could almost forget what's happened, what he did. I think we'd be stupid to forget, but I'm glad he wants to....glad he wants to let go of those memories and move ahead.
We have our weekly counseling appointment tomorrow. She doesn't seem to have things scheduled for us to talk about like she did in the beginning. Now she just asks us if we have anything to discuss, and we go from there. This week I have something: last week he brought up that he is always thinking I'm going to follow him somewhere...like at the gym he spends all his time looking over his shoulder, thinking I'm going to be there. I told him....I have not and will not lower myself to following you around. I am not your mother, I don't want to be your mother, if you're doing something you're not "supposed" to, I'm going to find out eventually and will not lower myself to driving all over town. Now, if I KNEW he was up to something and I could bust him, hell yes....I'd be there. In fact, a couple months ago I DID know where he was one day and had plans to go there, find out what was going on once and for all (this was only days before I found out), and I ended up home w/a sick kid. I refused to leave a sick 10 yr old home alone, refused to take her with me (can you imagine?), didn't want to have my mom come over to watch her....so he went un-busted...and it didn't matter - it was too late at that point. The counselor told him that just like I have my own issues to work on (mine is obsessive thoughts about the details of the affair - though I am doing MUCH better), he has his....he is on edge all the time, wondering when something is going to set me off, when I'm going to show up somewhere, etc. I told him that that is unfair to me....I have NEVER followed him anywhere so it is unfair to be angry over the possibility. He HAS, however, lied about his whereabouts and done things to betray me. So my obsessive thoughts certainly make more sense than his obsessive thoughts. I just think that is something that needs to be addressed....if I'm expected to move on, he should as well. I do think a lot of what drives him his guilt. He needs to understand that if I'm going to try to forgive him, then he needs to be working on forgiving himself. I am glad that he's sorry but do think his obsessing is not productive. Of course I'm sure ALL obsessing is not productive.
Monday, April 21, 2008
We had a good weekend....
....nothing exciting. Just no trauma, no drama, no nothing. I didn't go looking for trouble and it didn't find me. It was a nice change.
Friday, April 18, 2008
Hi ho, hi ho....it's back to work I go.....
...despite saying I'm making no rash decision....I am pretty sure I'm going back to work.
Started out innocently enough. My friend works at the junior high and is dying for me to take a secretarial position when this lady retires at the end of the year. The job would be perfect for me....my kids' schedule would be the same as mine (days off-wise), two of my kids would be at the same school complex for three years so could go to and from school with me every day, 6 weeks off in the summer. Then I found out what the base salary is. $22K. About $100 a week. Ugh. That is just not worth it.
So....I've started working on my resume the last couple days to apply for some government jobs. I figure I could probably work part-time and make $22K.
I may wait until September though. Then I wouldn't have to deal with this summer....next summer Kid #1 will be driving so at least the kids wouldn't be trapped here all summer while I was at work.
But....for various reasons I think it might be a good idea. I have too much time on my hands. I am busy but when I get down, I let things slide and I do too much thinking and I have plenty of time to do it. I also hate to think that somewhere down the road I might really need a job urgently, and it's easier to get a job when you already have one.
Other stuff from today.....I read a book early in this whole ordeal called "After the Affair". I read through it pretty quickly and then set it aside. I went back and re-read parts of it today because some of it apples to later, rather than the first-finding-out stage. I'm glad I did....got a lot of insight into some of what's going on with me now.
Started out innocently enough. My friend works at the junior high and is dying for me to take a secretarial position when this lady retires at the end of the year. The job would be perfect for me....my kids' schedule would be the same as mine (days off-wise), two of my kids would be at the same school complex for three years so could go to and from school with me every day, 6 weeks off in the summer. Then I found out what the base salary is. $22K. About $100 a week. Ugh. That is just not worth it.
So....I've started working on my resume the last couple days to apply for some government jobs. I figure I could probably work part-time and make $22K.
I may wait until September though. Then I wouldn't have to deal with this summer....next summer Kid #1 will be driving so at least the kids wouldn't be trapped here all summer while I was at work.
But....for various reasons I think it might be a good idea. I have too much time on my hands. I am busy but when I get down, I let things slide and I do too much thinking and I have plenty of time to do it. I also hate to think that somewhere down the road I might really need a job urgently, and it's easier to get a job when you already have one.
Other stuff from today.....I read a book early in this whole ordeal called "After the Affair". I read through it pretty quickly and then set it aside. I went back and re-read parts of it today because some of it apples to later, rather than the first-finding-out stage. I'm glad I did....got a lot of insight into some of what's going on with me now.
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