Still plugging along

I don't really have much to say....don't really feel like blogging....but I am still making it day by day. Still not sure where this journey will take me, but I'll know when I get there.

I LOVE our new counselor. LOVE LOVE LOVE him. I can't say enough how much I love him. Did I mention that I love him? :) No beating around the bush, no long stories about other people we don't give a shit about, no brushing things under the rug, no ignoring things that need to be addressed. He is to the point. He is working very hard to help DH understand how badly he's damaged things, and how hard he needs to work to "fix" them if he wants to.

One day at a time....

...this is how I live my life these days. I take it one day at a time. Most days are decent. Most days I actually feel pretty happy. The lows are less low and take me less time to recover.

I like our new therapist. He doesn't seem to be afraid to say things that need to be said. And heard. For both of us. He asks pertinent questions. The old one used to fixate on DH's resentment on a myriad of issues, some of which I think are really stupid....but they are his feelings and he is entitled to them no matter what my opinion is. New guy tells him that he needs his own therapist to help him deal with it.

I was reading some posts the other day on a message board I go to. Someone asked the question "what's the worst thing that's ever happened to you?" I would have to say this whole ordeal is my worst thing. But some of the other responses were heartbreaking....my grief and pain and sadness pales in comparison. I guess no matter what, things can always be worse.

New therapist today - so kinda looking forward to it, kinda not

We have an appointment this afternoon with our new therapist. I have talked to him on the phone twice. He seems very nice...has a sweet, soothing voice. I know that doesn't mean anything, but at least just talking to him didn't fill me with dread. DH is on-board.....I told him I'd be happy to go alone and would rather have it that way if he is not going to be open and honest. So we'll see. Wish me luck.

Started my class yesterday with a bang....I've finished half of the assignments for the week and am getting ready to take a quiz. She puts out the assignments for the entire quarter, so I can work ahead if I want. Just have to do each week's assignments/quizzes by Saturday. This online class business is kinda fun.

Still plugging along....

....I will not go into details....in no mood to.....but there've been lots of ups and downs. Very unsure of where things are going. I am taking it one day at a time.

New developments I DO want to talk about: 1) we are seeing a new therapist starting on Tuesday. We got dumped/were about to fire our old one. I went for a male perspective this time. Actually, I had planned to go alone after DH and I had a conversation where he accused me of "forcing" him to go to counseling. So my attitude was "fine...don't go". Last week he called and asked me where we stood with counseling. I said I was looking for someone (didn't mention that it was for me) and he said good, he thinks we still need it, what did I think? 2) I am starting a class at the community college. The whole job search was overwhelming for me. I feel terribly unqualified for anything. So I'm taking an intro to Excel, Microsoft Word, and Powerpoint. It's an online class....I won't even need to go to the campus for anything. I would like to take the next class when I'm done with this one. I'm actually looking forward to getting started tomorrow morning! Hopefully when I'm done I'll able to call myself proficient, at least in those 3 things! :)

My 4 readers will be disappointed....

...but I don't think I'll be updating my blog for a while. My life has become too pathetic, too sad, too hopeless to bother. I'd feel stupid even putting most of it in writing. :(

All is (mostly) well again

I find it so frustrating that my moods & feelings can turn on a dime. I can be pretty fine, as fine as I can be anyway, and then suddenly I have all these negative thoughts and suspicions and assumptions that weren't there the day before.

But on the bright side, I can switch from feeling down to back up again in the same way....which is what happened last week. By the time we went for our massages Fri evening, rational me had realized that we've been for massages twice together since he went back In Feb....and I hadn't even known about that then. Why should I let knowledge of something that was no surprise ruin this for me? So I didn't. We went....it was nice and relaxing and fun. Though later DH said he looked over at me one time while I was laying on my back and he saw a tear in the corner of my eye.

We had a nice weekend. We haven't had a bad one in weeks now. Both of us are much more relaxed now....but mostly I have changed and that has helped things tremendously. For a while I was on a constant search for information.....to confirm that something WAS still going on, to RULE OUT that anything was going on.....I was driving both of us nuts. Now my feeling is that if something WAS going on, I will know....the truth will come out at some point. I've just quit looking for trouble, because when you look hard enough you can make anything mean something.

This Fri we see Dr O and I get to tell her I've changed my mind. I will screw up her plans for the whole session I'm sure. But I think she'll be happy. I do think I would have done better w/all the information I wanted from him if he'd been forthcoming with it when I asked in the first place. I think now....I'm past that phase and to find out some of this stuff now IS much more harmful than helpful.

I am sad

It's amazing what one bad thing, one upsetting piece of data, can do to my mental state. I had been feeling pretty up, and really I do feel good most days. But yesterday threw me for a loop. And there's really no reason. Nothing NEW happened. It was not a surprise. It's not like I didn't basically already know this information. Why did I get so upset?

After we went to bed last night, I told DH that he is right, Dr O is right....the details are more hurtful than helpful and cause me to fixate on the wrong things. He said he doesn't necessarily consider himself to be "right"...he is just going by what two professionals advised him to do, and by how I've reacted previously to receiving any details. I cried so hard last night. I just hurt. It's the only way to describe it...just plain old pain.

So today I'm dealing w/the after-effects of yesterday. Just general sadness, doom and gloom, mopiness. The what-ifs are rearing their ugly heads as well. But I am determined to deal w/what I know, the facts I have....and I really just have no evidence of anything at all. The thought just crosses my mind every now and then (at least way less often than it used to)....why would they NOT be involved still? Obviously it is something they are both capable of.

I did explain a lot of this to Dr. O yesterday....that I have quit (not totally obviously!) torturing myself with the what-ifs and am working on dealing only with the cards I have in front of me. I have also quit trying to stop anything from happening....not that I've had that opportunity in a long time. But used to, particulary w/the Blackberry, I'd be all over him, hanging over his shoulder, watching his every move, figuring I'd be able to head off him sending any emails. Now I think why? Why do that? I can't stop anyone from doing anything, plus I'm not with him 24 hours a day....I can't control over 12 hours a day while he's gone from home durng the week, so why did I think controlling the few hours in the evenings and then weekends was doing any good? My philosophy now is that if there is any truth to come out, it will. At some point, it will.

I can be such a mess sometimes.