Been a long time....

I have posted anything in over a month. Not that nothing's been going on....just haven't made the time to do it.

I had something come up in the last month. I'll go into what it was in a minute....but I have had this total turnaround of what I think, what I feel, what I want, what I need, what I know. I've spent SO much time searching for answers, yet even when I've found them, I find a way to explain it away, justify it, issue another ultimatum. This time is different. First of all, there was no searching. This bit of info practically fell into my lap with little effort on my part. Second, even though before if I was being honest with myself I KNEW what was going on, it's different now....it's like my eyes just snapped open and I saw.....I saw the kind of man I'm married to and I saw exactly the horribleness he's capable of and I saw that I have no choice but to get out. And I actually see myself on the other side....and it's not such a bad thing.

Back in November, when DH was gone for 4 weeks, a thing came in the mail for him from a hotel....about a frequent stay program. DH travels quite a bit for work, so I didn't think TOO much of it....he gets lots of junk mail from airlines, hotels, rental car companies, etc. I did think enough of it that I stuck the letter in the back of one of my dresser drawers in case I needed it for future reference. Then about 5 weeks ago, a statement from the same chain came. I opened it....figuring if it was nothing or legitimate I'd just toss it in the trash and DH would be none the wiser. It had a stay at a hotel here in town, one night, in October....it was the Friday before he left for a month. I asked him about it and he of course had a story....a farfetched, ridiculous story.

So you might ask....how could he be so stupid as to sign up for a frequent stay program? What I would bet is that when you check in, even though you pay cash, you still have to give them your drivers license. They're not just going to give you a room with no identification. So they entered his info into their system and he was automatically enrolled in the program. A friend stayed at another hotel in the same chain and she said they told her that by making a reservation you're automatically enrolled. What I think happened is he went there on a Fri afternoon, spent the rest of the day there, came home in the evening and acted like nothing happened....and never went back to check out on Saturday - he just left the key there and obviously didn't need a receipt.

The day after I got the letter in the mail, but before DH came up with his half-assed explanations, I went to see our therapist alone. We talked about my last line in the sand, my final ultimatum....that if there was any contact whatsoever after August I was done. I told him that unless DH was able to come up with an explanation that made total sense, then I meant what I said - I am done. And I am. He's tried to act like things are normal. He kept trying to touch me until I finally told him that I've been extremely pissed for week and don't want him touching me. I have no idea what he's been doing for sex.....he could be getting it elsewhere for all I know, and I don't even care.

So my plan is now to hold on for a couple more weeks. My kids go on vacation with their grandma on July 10th, and I plan to tell him I want a divorce as close to that day as possible. Then hopefully he'll be out of here and if he acts like an ass he'll be over it by the time they get back. I have no idea how he'll react. I do think he'll be surprised, at least a little, even with how things have been going here. I think he just thinks he can do whatever he wants and I won't do anything about it. And I guess that was true for a while. But not anymore.

A step up (or maybe it's down?) from Dr Phil....

...is something I saw on Desperate Housewives a couple weeks ago that just struck a nerve with me. If you don't watch you won't know who this character is, but the comment was made by Carl....Susan's ex-husband and Bree's divorce attorney. I know Carl is a total cad but I've always liked the character....he's so bad he's amusing. Anyway...Bree was having second thoughts about divorcing her husband and started to say "if I tried hard enough blah blah blah". Carl said that he knew what she was going to say. She was going to say that he isn't that bad, and Carl said "he IS that bad".

When we watched that show, DH just laughed and laughed at that part. Maybe he found it funny because he saw himself in it, but somehow I don't think so. Just reminded me how every time I think DH can't be "that bad", he's proven me wrong. :(

Laugh if you want....

....but you can learn a lot from Dr. Phil. His no-bullshit, lay-it-on-the-line common sense is just what I need sometimes. Too bad he can't reach through the TV and kick me in the seat of the pants.

Yesterday's show was not about infidelity, but there was a couple on there with major issues. Both of them. He was an ass and she allowed herself to be treated like total shit. Sound familiar??? I went on the website and he had a list of 5 questions you need to ask yourself if you're considering divorce: 1) Are you still in love with your spouse? 2) Are you angry? 3) Are you hurt? 4) Are you confused? 5) Are you scared? He says if you answer yes to any of the questions, you have work to do and are not ready to leave the marriage. He said you are not ready until you can look each other in the eye and feel peace, no hatred, no resentment. Very interesting....and seems impossible. But I think I may be getting there. This time last year, my answers were all a resounding yes. Now I'm down to I don't know, yes, not as much, not really, and yes.

How do you turn your mind off....and other stuff

DH's sweetness didn't last....the imposter is gone and same old same old is back in his place, which isn't ALL bad, but there are some ups and downs. He was perfect and sweet and kind and loving, and within a matter of days, he was acting kind of like a shit again. Sunday morning I asked him if anything was wrong because he acted like he'd rather be anywhere but with me, and he said "that's what you're acting like". The conversation ended right there because couldn't we go 'round and 'round with that forever? I felt like saying "I know you are but what am ??? INFINITY", but I refrained. :P So we had an interesting therapy session on Monday. I brought up how DH had been acting for the last week or so, and Dr asked how that made me feel. I told him that after more than a day or so of that, I start to wonder what in the hell is going on....if something's going on to make him distant or if it's just the stress of work, day-to-day stuff, etc. I was explaining that I can be going along, feeling perfect fine, then a thought or two pops into my head, then that grows....more thoughts, more doubts, more bad feelings. DH said he feels the same way often....that I'm not going to ever forgive him, that I won't ever trust him, that I'm going to leave him. Dr came up with a good analogy....said it's like when you're watching TV and really into a show, and then this annoying banner comes scrolling across the bottom of the screen. He said you try to enjoy your show, but all you can see is that stupid banner....saying "she's going to leave me anyway", or whatever negative thought keeps popping up. So he says we both need to change our what our banners say......because if he's not up to anything, HE'S not the one torturing me anymore, I'm torturing myself. So....I guess I need to "change what my banner says" but I sure have a hard time turning my mind off. And I guess no matter what happens with our marriage, I don't really want to spend my life turning this stuff over and over and over in my mind, do I? It has to stop somewhere. But I guess the bottom line is I DON'T trust him....even if I really don't THINK anything is amiss, I don't put anything past him at all. I guess in the back of my mind I just have the thought that maybe he really is just an awful, awful person who wants to do whatever it is he wants without disrupting his life and putting up with any grief. And I wonder if that will ever go away. It's a really sucky thought to have.


Heard from my friend this morning.....her daughter has this friend whose dad is a very successful attorney. They have 4 children, multi-million dollar home. Friend's mother is very sweet, very beautiful. Her husband told her in February that he was leaving her and was involved with someone else. As if that wasn't bad enough, now he's saying he wants custody of the kids, want the house, and wants to ruin her. She said she hadn't even known anything was wrong, and now he wants to ruin her? She has no idea where that is coming from. On the one hand, I couldn't help but think that at least he's being honest with her, but why would he want to rake her over the coals like that? People can be horrible to each other.

Psychological testing

Months ago, I tore an article about men and depression out of a magazine. Thought DH showed more than one of the signs. Whether or not he's depressed has come up with other counselors, but DH insists he is not depressed and the subject's been dropped. I'm not so sure. Dr E wants to find out. A friend asked me if I found out that DH IS depressed, will it make what's happened easier on me? I say no, it won't....because what hurts is what happened, not WHY it happened (at least I think so)....but it might make me feel more sure that it wouldn't happen again. I just can't tell you how many women I've heard whose husbands have cheated on them or up and left them suddenly, and the men have ended up being depressed or bipolar.

I find it so weird that after all this time, I still have such mood swings. I'd say my general mood is not bad for the most part. I don't have the deep depression that I did....I'd say I experience sadness more than the average person but it's not debilitating like it was. But early in the week last week, I just felt finished. I felt tired, I felt like I'd expended any energy I have to devote to this relationship and had nothing left, I felt it was hopeless and that I'm just prolonging the inevitable. I don't tell DH any of this.....I don't act any differently at all. I hate to sound mean, but if the other shoe is going to drop it's going to be at a time of my choosing....I think I deserve to be the one in control. Well....lo and behold....DH is making it really hard on me. We had an appointment on Monday, and by Thursday he was just....I can't explain it......different. Like I think what we discussed Monday just took a few days to sink in. Friday morning he apologized, out of the blue. I asked him why he was apologizing now and he said he thinks about what he did to me a lot and is so sorry. Who kidnapped my husband and who is this imposter???? And will it last?

Book review

I told you about my one and only book I've read in over a year. It's Happens Every Day by Isabel Gillies. It's about the end of this couple's marriage. I don't know that I'd say I ENJOYED it. It is such a depressing subject. But having been there, it was certainly interesting.

The husband, Josiah, had been married before. He cheated on his first wife while she was pregnant and she divorced him. Josiah and Isabel had been married for about 6 years. Isabel thought she had the perfect life. Josiah was a professor at a college in Ohio and fell in love with Sylvia, a newly-married young female professor in his department.

I find it so fascinating how different people, no matter which end of the affair they're on, handle themselves. Isabel was a lot like I was.....determined to "fix" things, devastated but managed to hold things together (barely) for her kids. She didn't seem to be embarrassed and told many people in her life what was going on, which is similar to what I did as well. Josiah decided shortly after he met this other woman that he would not stay in the marriage and made that very clear. He would not, however, admit that it was because of anyone else. After Josiah told Isabel he wanted out, they spent 3 more months living together.....with Isabel hoping the whole time that he'd change his mind. She was in love with him anyway, and it made me so sad for her. To Josiah's credit, though he was pretty cruel to Isabel at times, he never waivered in his decision that he wanted out. He never pretended to want to try to work things out and stay in the marriage. So while he was cruel, at least he was truthful about that. Both Josiah and Sylvia did lie repeatedly about their involvement.

Isabel has remarried. Josiah and Sylvia are now married and both still teaching at the college. Isabel claims that she is friends with both of them. I find that hard to fathom but stranger things have happened.

BIG accomplishment :)

Not really....just thought that was a good attention-grabber. :) It's really a small accomplishment. But let me back up a bit.....

I have let a lot of things fall by the wayside in the last year. Some friends.....volunteer activities.....hobbies. Some things I'm glad to let go of. I discovered that I had a lot of friendships where I was really the only one initiating everything. Or there were friends that I didn't feel I trusted enough to tell what had happened. If I'm doing everything or I don't trust someone, is this really a friend I need to spend a lot of time or energy on? I had been dragging myself week after week to volunteer doing things I hated. But my hobbies....I kind of miss those.

I didn't have a lot of hobbies....just little things I enjoyed every now and then. One I stuck with and that's my Ebay....and that's pretty much because I hate clutter and I'm cheap and I like money. :) The two things I hate letting slide most is the scrapbooks I make for my kids and reading. I distinctly remember what I was working on, scrapbook-wise, when the shit hit the fan here. I was working on A's scrapbook, pictures from the previous summer, so from Aug 07. I never finished. I left everything on an end table in my family room for a long time, thinking maybe I'd get back to it. Then it made me sad to look at it, so I put it all away. I still haven't finished what I was working on and don't know when I will. But I want to sometime. I've also been horrible about taking pictures in this year plus. And what few pictures we've taken, I haven't had processed. So I feel like we've "lost" a year and a half. But I'll get my rear in gear sometime and get caught up.

I have missed reading A LOT. For a long time I couldn't focus long enough to read anything beyond the newspaper and the occasional magazine. My mind raced too much. I felt too sad to think of anything but myself and my misery. Then later, I just had no interest. I wasn't miserable....but I felt "blah". So I had found some reviews of a few books in magazines that looked good and ordered them from amazon.com. I started one yesterday and have hardly been able to put it down. Sounds like a stupid thing to be jazzed about, but I am. I finally am over my affair-induced ADD (AIADD??). Ironically, the book is about a woman whose husband had an affair and left her. It's called 'Happens Every Day'. It's an interesting book....she is not a super talented writer but her writing draws you in. It's like talking to a friend. It sounds like ME. You'd think I'd find it too depressing, but oddly I don't.

In other news....those 6 days without smoking? Totally down the tubes. On the one-week mark, there I was....back at Walgreens buying a pack of cigarettes. So yesterday I decided to actually DO SOMETHING about it rather than just talk about doing something about it. I bought some nicotine gum and I'm hoping it will be helpful. Actually I think what may work is that I'm afraid if I actually did smoke after chewing the gum I would get really sick. So I'm chewing away on the gum anytime I go out to run errands, my usual time that I'd sneak in a smoke or two.