....since I've blogged. The shittier my life became, the less interested I was in it. I guess that's not really true....my life was way shitter when I started this. Things have not improved in most ways, but my mental state has.
I am at the point now where I know what I need to do...just need to gather the strength to actually do it. It took me a while to get to this. For months I wasn't even strong enough to consider divorce, though I guess deep down I knew it was a strong possibility. I keep thinking I've wasted 6 or 7 months of my life "working things out"...things that weren't going to work out. I can't do it alone. Nor should I. But 6 or 7 months ago, I was in no position to do anything drastic. I was lucky to just be able to get up every day, take care of the house and kids, take care of myself....eat, sleep, get off my ass, do things I needed to do, never mind doing things I enjoyed. But really I haven't wasted this time. It's allowed me to see things clearly, think more rationally, get stronger and try to be happy again. I am seeing glimpses of my old self....the one who was strong and determined and organized and funny and smart and interesting and happy (can you see that I don't normally have any self esteem issues??? :P)
Years ago I worked with a woman I became really good friends with. That was 20 yrs ago and we are still very close. She was married to a total dog. Cheated on her repeatedly. She finally gave up and divorced him. I remember it all well, but I also remember not REALLY understanding her pain. I felt horrible for her...I knew it had to hurt. But I had no idea how bad. All these years later, she's been one of my greatest sources of comfort and support. I love her dearly. I talk to her multiple times a day and don't know what I'd do without her. SHE understands. All of my friends have been supportive and loving and sweet and kind....but this friend really knows.
The counselor I loved is now seeing me alone. I still love him but I'm not sure how much longer he'll want to see me since we were supposed to be seeing him as a couple. He has given me some great advice that I try hard to follow. The one I have a hardest time with is "the best revenge is living well". I need to repeat that to myself over and over and over. It's hard though, because the old saying is true....revenge IS sweet. But that doesn't last and then I think you're left feeling you've sunk as low as the person who hurt you.
I wish I hated my husband. I don't. I still love him, but I don't really LIKE him. I think I need to get out before I do hate him. We have kids to raise together and things would sure be easier if I could at least stand his sorry ass.
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4 comments:
Only you know what's right for you. I'm so glad you have someone in your life who does understand and cen give you RL support.
I am so glad to read your update. I totally hear you. The counselor sounds fantastic. I hope we're lucky enough to hear from you more often. You deserve everything wonderful in life. And P.S. I still can't quite believe my ex-husband did what he did, even though all the evidence was in front of me, waving. Literally. I'm not sure what that says about me...denial? I dunno. I just find it hard to believe. Still. It's as if it didn't really happen. Or maybe by then, everything else he did was so much worse, it didn't really matter? I really don't know. Maybe some things we never do. But one thing I do know, is that it was worth every ounce of work and counseling that I put into it, so that I could move forward with a clear conscience when it was time. That my dear, is what you will have. Peace of mind. Please know everything really will be okay. No matter what. :o)
Thank you....you are right. I did the best I could even when he would not. I'll have no regrets.
Denial is an odd thing. It keeps you sane it seems at times, but also can make you crazy. I have a clarity now that I wouldn't let myself have before...I know I've believed or pretended to believe really horrible, stupid, poorly-constructed saving-his-ass lies. But I guess when it became time to really face the truth, I did....I refuse to live any longer with any expectations from him. Beyond expecting all the money he's going to be paying me. Bahahahah. We are still living as married people and playing house pretty much, but I have no illusions that anything's different or ever will be. When I'm ready I'll get out...it's no longer a question of IF but WHEN.
So good to see you blogging again. Your posts are always so "to the point."
The best revenge is living well .. that's one of my favorite inspirational quotes. Another is Ghandi's famous quote, "An eye for an eye, and soon the whole world is blind"
Revenge just keeps you immersed in their shit, in their world of dishonesty, disrespect, destruction. You are way better than that.
Revenge is also the false perception of control. I tend to be someone in the "high control needs" category of life (married to a man of "low control needs" .. he was tested by a shrink long before he met me). We don't gain control by seeking revenge, we lose it.
So yes, focusing on yourself, healing, recovering, self-care, getting stronger. Very glad you have a friend who has "been there."
But in the meantime, it hurts like hell. And I'm so sorry you are going through this.
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