Glimpses of my old self

I wouldn't say I'm back to normal by any means. I am still untrusting, still quite sad at times, still unforgiving...I am just changed. But the dynamics of the relationship have changed over the last few months. I am no longer clingy, no longer desperate, no longer depressed and barely functioning, no longer constantly looking over my shoulder. Somewhere in there I just realized that no matter what....I will survive. I can do hard things.

For months and months, I was quite unproductive. Very unlike me. My old self was busy busy busy....constantly working on some project, constantly volunteering, getting together with friends, keeping a clean house, shopping, taking the kids places, tons of cooking. A lot of that came to a screeching halt in February. I did the bare minimum to not live in squalor....I fulfilled my kid obligations but not with the same gusto that I normally would....we had lots of "fend for yourself" dinner nights...I became a recluse and avoided people at all costs.

Lately....I'm seeing more of the old me. I am excited about things. I didn't think I'd want to "do" the holidays at all but I am enjoying them. I am throwing a 16th birthday party for one of my kids and really looking forward to it and loving her excitement. I am redecorating the other two kids' room and can't wait to see their reaction when it's completed. I'm going places alone and not avoiding people anymore.

I kind of feel like if the bottom dropped out on this tomorrow....if I threw him out or he chose to walk out....I would be okay. I'd be sad, and I still have my sad moments now, but I think I've just figured out that I'M not the one who'd be losing out.

I've seen big changes in DH. I guess I should say that I see what SEEM to be big changes. I always have to qualify everything now, you know.