That's the title of a book. I haven't yet seen the book. I have spent oodles of money on self-help books and refuse to spend a penny more. And I hate checking stuff like this out at the library...which I know is just stupid.
But the title has me intrigued. It describes my situation pretty accurately, I think. That actually makes things a little more difficult, more complicated, more confusing. I think if things were all bad, or bad most of the time, there'd be much less indecision on my part.
When things are good, things are very good. DH can be very sweet, attentive, caring, and loving. He is physically affectionate. We had a great time together, have similar senses of humor, and just enjoy each other's company. We are good parents, we have wonderful kids.
BUT....and there is always a big but these days.....things can also be very bad. We had an argument over something stupid this week that escalated and just opened my eyes even wider to the fact that he just doesn't get it. At all. He is selfish....and I do think that a good percentage of men are selfish in some way, though some obviously are so selfish that they cause problems, wreak havoc, and are so worried about their own asses that they just are oblivious to how their actions affect others. Either oblivious or when it comes down to it, they just don't care. And there are other things that are bad or make me unhappy. As much as I'd love to forgive and forget, I don't think it's possible. Forgive...maybe. Forget...never. I carry a visual around with me all the time....my husband was intimate with another woman. And I've seen her in person so it's easy to imagine it....it's not some intangible someone out there whose face I can't conjure up. It's a hard thought to get rid of. And if I never can I just don't think I can live this life anymore. I also have a hard time dealing with the lies....the millions (so it seems!) of lies I was told....either flat-out untruths or by omission.
As I get closer to my one-year mark, I think about these things a lot. Some days the pros of being with him far outweigh the cons.....other days, not so much.
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12 comments:
When I was feeling these feelings, I decided it meant that it wasn't time to go any which way. Deadlines are meant to be broken. And it removes pressure from us. I'm sure there is a happy medium...we just have to find it...or allow it...or maybe surrender to it? No matter what you do, you're doing great, because you are ((processing)) through it, which is vital for future success, I think.
Problem is I've already broken a few deadlines....and I don't want to find myself at the point that this is my life, this is forever, this is what my marriage is like...and I'm like a broken record, bitching, pissing, moaning, yet doing nothing and wallowing in the crap that's my life. I think at some point I have to decide that I'm not happy and I won't live like this. I'm kind of there yet I'm not.
This is a nosy question for you, Isle Dance, but what became of your husband? Did you just decide you'd had enough and leave or was it a mutual decision? What happened to the other woman....is he with her? I know what happened to YOU (and I think it's pretty nervy and cool and interesting). Don't answer if you think I'm prying. I'm just interested.
I always appreciate your comments.
Just listen to your heart and don't worry so much about deadlines. Does DH read your blog? You've got deep stuff in this post, you might want to find out what he thinks about all this. Just a suggestion...
Not nosy at all! I did my best to make it work, via every personal and professional route I could think of. He told me not to believe everything the professionals say and refused to engage in potential solutions. He said I didn't have the right to leave, and told me if I did leave, I'd not get anything that was mine, let alone anything that was ours. So I (eventually, after years of trying) left quietly and quickly, to ensure I was legally protected. The other woman was flaunted in front of me at his Christmas work dinner...and she/someone moved into the home after I left, while we were still married. From what I know, they were still together a few years ago. Funny: Friends of his (who had never warmed up to me) contacted me and told me how aghast they were at him/the other woman. You never anticipate unexpected salve like that, but it does help the healing a little bit. :o) And P.S. My brain still can't seem to "believe" there was "another" woman. What does that mean?!
P.S. Thanks for thinking my actions have been "pretty nervy and cool and interesting". That sounds fantastic! LOL. :o)
I think I might be up for more nervy, cool, and interesting things if I didn't have 3 kids. :P I love them to death and they are my proudest accomplishment, but they do make the situation a million times more difficult....I am thinking of not only the rest of my life, but theirs as well. I want things to be as painless as possible for them and sometimes that means making things difficult for myself.
I guess I just know now that I can never look my kids in the eye and tell them I just didn't try....that I broke up their family with little thought.
blognut - no, he doesn't read my blog. He isn't even aware that I have one, as far as I know.
I think it's fantastic that you're keeping the interest of your children first. Stability. Rational thought. Nurturing environment. Extensive effort. That makes an amazing parent and something children are later grateful for...and follow the lead on. When foundation is on solid footing again, you'll get to be as nervy, cool and interesting as you/they desire! :o)
I try. :) There have been times (like this past weekend!) that I think I would have gotten great pleasure from throwing all his belongings onto the front yard, and perhaps even setting it ablaze. >:| But I just couldn't imagine how my kids would react to something like that. They'd be traumatized. So I try to keep my cool. Someone has to. And I think that's some what bothers me so much about what he's done....HE was not thinking of the kids. He was thinking of no one but himself.
Well I'd say that's pretty nervy and cool and interesting, then! To realize that and to think beyond it. Way to go! :o)
Just to be clear...
That's pretty nervy and cool and interesting of YOU!
:o)
I'm way out where I don't belong, and I totally understand taking care of your kids first, I have 3 of my own. I think kids are pretty resilient, and I think they know more than we think they do. I guess what I'm saying is that you've tried, tried really hard, and you have nothing to apologize for if you do ultimately decide that you've had enough. You can't beat yourself up about that.
I understand what you are going through sooo much!
My husband is seeing a woman he works with. Christmas was especially hard this year because I know he bought her gifts. So I wouldn't know what he did he told me everything he bought me wasn't on sale anymore and he had to pay full price. Which means she probably got the same stuff as me. The lies really hurt and they seem to come so easily out of his mouth.
Do they not feel any guilt when they do these things?
I'm sorry to read about your situation. I hope things get better for you.
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