Started off with DH leaving for the week. It's weird....I don't really miss him but at the same time, I'm struggling with him being gone. I think I mentioned in my previous post (but I'm too lazy to go check!) that this particular place he went just is a trigger for all kinds of negative emotions. I have had crazy thoughts all week. DH has not helped really. First two days, he called, texted, or emailed a lot. A friend finds it odd that we communicate so much during the day, but we do and really always have. Second two days....not so much. In fact, hardly at all. And that gets my mind racing in a million directions at once. I hate that feeling. I feel so beyond all that sometimes, but obviously I'm not. And really, the answer is probably that HE'S BUSY. I guess what I have a hard time with is this: he has proven to me that he is capable of all kinds of awfulness and there's really not a lot I'd put past him. So why am I here? No one can answer that but me....and I don't have an answer. I think what's happened is back over the late summer, when some stuff was going on, I was pretty set on what was going to happen: I was getting out. And DH was busting his tail to get back in my good graces. And I caved. I wanted to believe, and sometimes I almost can. And now....when things are good, I can actually be hopeful. But when things are bad...I think of all the awful things he's done, the horrible lies he's told, how good an actor he's become....and I think I'm crazy. Truly crazy.
Then also this week kid #1 had a lot of horrible teen-girl drama at school. She usually doesn't have many problems with that. For the most part she's clueless. I know more gossip than she does. But yesterday was bad....really, really. Like she sat by her locker and cried instead of eating lunch, then came home to cry some more. I honestly can't tell you the last time I saw this kid cry. It's just heartbreaking to see your kid hurt like that. All I can say is this is the first major episode of this....some girls' entire existences are full of drama, trauma, fights, crying.
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5 comments:
I feel your pain and am on the same roller coaster as you. The plus about sticking it out is that it is much easier to raise teenagers with 2 parents living under the same roof than just one dealing with all the craziness. I have boys, not girls, but they have a bit of their own drama going on. For now all is good with us, but I do feel your pain and go through the same thoughts DAILY as you seem to be going through. Hang in there and do what you feel is best for yourself and your children. You just got to trust that he is being honest and is truly sorry for his behavior and wants nothing more than to make things right again. Of course we have to be realistic too and know everything isn't going to be perfect and the 100%trust we once had is gone and they will have to earn it back and that may take many years ... but we're worth it :)
(((Take care of you during this time.)))
Well, you're not crazy, but yeah, this kind of back-and-forth is crazy making. Not knowing the truth, not having video cameras following his every move, that is the byotch of it all. And poor #1. No fair. Was this mean girls stuff?
I think I understand. It was really hard for me the first time my husband went away after his affair. I still feel crazy at times. It's been less than six months for me.
poor number 1 .... that sucks .. hope she's ok now ... the worst part of it for you is feeling fragile or precarious yourself and having to be smart and strong for her ...
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