I am angry

That's a lot of my problem. I have just been very angry lately. Part of it, I'm sure, is the "anniversary" aspect of it. I can pretty much tell you what I was doing this time last year.....sitting on bed, staring at ceiling or out the window, alternating between distraught crying and numb, barely functioning and just half-assed doing what I needed to for my kids and around the house. Then there are dates that have significance.....they are significant because bad things happened. And those will keep up for the next 6 months. And I remember each and every one of them, practically down to the minute. How in the world is this old brain capable of remembering all those details? If I WANTED to remember something, chances are I wouldn't....like where I put something....I forget stuff like that on a daily basis.

We have a counseling appointment on Saturday and I'm really thinking of not going. Again. At least not with DH. I may go alone. I just can't see us having a productive session at all with me having all this anger. I know myself. I know how I can be. And then if DH becomes angry or starts any finger-pointing or turning the tables....watch out. When I saw the therapist alone last week, we did discuss how DH tries to compare what he's done with some things I've done. I don't know if this is an effort to minimize the damage that he's responsible for, or to make excuses, or what. Therapist did agree that there is no comparison and we need to address that.

I can look back on the last year, though, and see how much better things are in some ways.

There are parts of our relationship that have improved by leaps and bounds. Exponentially. Mostly just that we spend time together, make time for each other. Neither of us were so good about doing that for quite a while before all this happened. I actually think sometimes that I maybe, at some point, could have looked at his affair as almost a positive thing....it could have been the kick in the pants that we both needed....a wake-up call telling us to shape up or ship out. But then too much stuff happened after that for me to ever be able to look at this positively.

My mental state has improved a million times over. I was at the lowest point I'd ever been in my entire life a year ago. I think if I was inclined to have suicidal tendencies, I'd have been a goner. I think if I were more prone to depression I could have spiraled downward so far that I may have never recovered...or at least it would have been extremely difficult. I did spend a lot of the last year explaining away the obvious, just to make things better in my mind simply so I could bear it. I wasn't ready to face truths for a long time. I am stronger now, and I can do hard things.