I don't know if I'm just having a bad week or what (well, I KNOW I'm having a bad week - but I don't know if that's the reason I'm feeling this way) but I have come to the conclusion that I just can't live this way. I can't. I'm sad. I don't want to be sad....and "love" should not hurt like this. Love is supposed to feel good, right?
I guess I have known this for a while....just took me too long to admit it to myself. I have a hard time understanding why I can't just "take the leap". I think when the decision is EASY, I have an easy time making the decision. And EASY doesn't mean the decision is GOOD, either. Like getting involved with someone who came with a lot of baggage, having that extra drink when I had had enough already, dating assholes (I've dated others....not just this one. :P), buying that _______ (fill in the blank with whatever I've bought that I didn't need), yelling at the kids rather than dealing with them patiently, staying home for too long rather than getting a job when the kids all went to school full-time, eating garbage wen I wasn't even hungry. But when it's hard....like long-term hard, I just do nothing.
I'm rambling.
4 comments:
I think what eventually happens, is that we get sick of doing nothing. Then it becomes easier to do something. Whatever it is. Spring usually helps these things along, too.
Ramble away. You're facing something that is heartbreakingly painful, for all involved. You've been so patient, you've given him every opportunity, you've given your kids the extra time, you are clearly strong enough to do whatever it takes. But no room for regrets. You stayed home because you are such a damn good SAHM. Only look forward. What can I do NOW?
I just wanted to say that your blog is helping me to understand the other side of things, i.e. the effects of cheating on your spouse. I had an affair a couple years ago and my husband and I are trying to rebuild our marriage but it is a very hard a long process. I needed a little light shone on me to understand what he's going through, and you have provided that. I thank you for your words and your willingness to make your marriage work.
Hannah - thank you for your comment. I'm glad I helped you in some way. The intent of my blog is really just to have an outlet for whining and rambling and whatnot....my real friends are tired of me, I'm sure! But I do see where you could get an understanding of the "other side".
I've wondered a lot about the perspective of the different sexes on this....how a man forgives, how a man "gets over it", how a man moves on in comparison to a woman. It's interesting.
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