I have been dealing with volatile emotions lately. I am angry quite a bit.....I am sad quite a bit more. :( I am angry with him, angry with myself. Why can't I just bite the bullet and do what I need to do? Why do I desperately wish it was possible to stay married to this man (note: I still may wish it was possible but I do know now that it is not)? I can tell you right now why I'm having a hard time taking the plunge.....I just think of the three sets of big, brown, trusting, innocent eyes that will be staring at me, full of pain and confusion. It about KILLS me.
For a while I believed a lot of stupid lies. I wanted to believe them for one, but I also think I just was in such a fragile mental state that facing the truth might have really done me in. But I do look back at some of the stuff I pretended to buy....and I think "wake up and smell the coffee". What a moron I was at times.
I know I'm strong in a lot of ways. I haven't totally fallen off the deep end, even when I felt I might. I haven't done anything too terribly stupid, or needy, or embarrassing, or desperate. But right now....I just feel weak. Knowing what I need to do and feeling paralyzed to actually make a move.....it makes me feel spineless.
Sigh.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
It's been a while....
....since I've blogged. The shittier my life became, the less interested I was in it. I guess that's not really true....my life was way shitter when I started this. Things have not improved in most ways, but my mental state has.
I am at the point now where I know what I need to do...just need to gather the strength to actually do it. It took me a while to get to this. For months I wasn't even strong enough to consider divorce, though I guess deep down I knew it was a strong possibility. I keep thinking I've wasted 6 or 7 months of my life "working things out"...things that weren't going to work out. I can't do it alone. Nor should I. But 6 or 7 months ago, I was in no position to do anything drastic. I was lucky to just be able to get up every day, take care of the house and kids, take care of myself....eat, sleep, get off my ass, do things I needed to do, never mind doing things I enjoyed. But really I haven't wasted this time. It's allowed me to see things clearly, think more rationally, get stronger and try to be happy again. I am seeing glimpses of my old self....the one who was strong and determined and organized and funny and smart and interesting and happy (can you see that I don't normally have any self esteem issues??? :P)
Years ago I worked with a woman I became really good friends with. That was 20 yrs ago and we are still very close. She was married to a total dog. Cheated on her repeatedly. She finally gave up and divorced him. I remember it all well, but I also remember not REALLY understanding her pain. I felt horrible for her...I knew it had to hurt. But I had no idea how bad. All these years later, she's been one of my greatest sources of comfort and support. I love her dearly. I talk to her multiple times a day and don't know what I'd do without her. SHE understands. All of my friends have been supportive and loving and sweet and kind....but this friend really knows.
The counselor I loved is now seeing me alone. I still love him but I'm not sure how much longer he'll want to see me since we were supposed to be seeing him as a couple. He has given me some great advice that I try hard to follow. The one I have a hardest time with is "the best revenge is living well". I need to repeat that to myself over and over and over. It's hard though, because the old saying is true....revenge IS sweet. But that doesn't last and then I think you're left feeling you've sunk as low as the person who hurt you.
I wish I hated my husband. I don't. I still love him, but I don't really LIKE him. I think I need to get out before I do hate him. We have kids to raise together and things would sure be easier if I could at least stand his sorry ass.
I am at the point now where I know what I need to do...just need to gather the strength to actually do it. It took me a while to get to this. For months I wasn't even strong enough to consider divorce, though I guess deep down I knew it was a strong possibility. I keep thinking I've wasted 6 or 7 months of my life "working things out"...things that weren't going to work out. I can't do it alone. Nor should I. But 6 or 7 months ago, I was in no position to do anything drastic. I was lucky to just be able to get up every day, take care of the house and kids, take care of myself....eat, sleep, get off my ass, do things I needed to do, never mind doing things I enjoyed. But really I haven't wasted this time. It's allowed me to see things clearly, think more rationally, get stronger and try to be happy again. I am seeing glimpses of my old self....the one who was strong and determined and organized and funny and smart and interesting and happy (can you see that I don't normally have any self esteem issues??? :P)
Years ago I worked with a woman I became really good friends with. That was 20 yrs ago and we are still very close. She was married to a total dog. Cheated on her repeatedly. She finally gave up and divorced him. I remember it all well, but I also remember not REALLY understanding her pain. I felt horrible for her...I knew it had to hurt. But I had no idea how bad. All these years later, she's been one of my greatest sources of comfort and support. I love her dearly. I talk to her multiple times a day and don't know what I'd do without her. SHE understands. All of my friends have been supportive and loving and sweet and kind....but this friend really knows.
The counselor I loved is now seeing me alone. I still love him but I'm not sure how much longer he'll want to see me since we were supposed to be seeing him as a couple. He has given me some great advice that I try hard to follow. The one I have a hardest time with is "the best revenge is living well". I need to repeat that to myself over and over and over. It's hard though, because the old saying is true....revenge IS sweet. But that doesn't last and then I think you're left feeling you've sunk as low as the person who hurt you.
I wish I hated my husband. I don't. I still love him, but I don't really LIKE him. I think I need to get out before I do hate him. We have kids to raise together and things would sure be easier if I could at least stand his sorry ass.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Still plugging along
I don't really have much to say....don't really feel like blogging....but I am still making it day by day. Still not sure where this journey will take me, but I'll know when I get there.
I LOVE our new counselor. LOVE LOVE LOVE him. I can't say enough how much I love him. Did I mention that I love him? :) No beating around the bush, no long stories about other people we don't give a shit about, no brushing things under the rug, no ignoring things that need to be addressed. He is to the point. He is working very hard to help DH understand how badly he's damaged things, and how hard he needs to work to "fix" them if he wants to.
I LOVE our new counselor. LOVE LOVE LOVE him. I can't say enough how much I love him. Did I mention that I love him? :) No beating around the bush, no long stories about other people we don't give a shit about, no brushing things under the rug, no ignoring things that need to be addressed. He is to the point. He is working very hard to help DH understand how badly he's damaged things, and how hard he needs to work to "fix" them if he wants to.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
One day at a time....
...this is how I live my life these days. I take it one day at a time. Most days are decent. Most days I actually feel pretty happy. The lows are less low and take me less time to recover.
I like our new therapist. He doesn't seem to be afraid to say things that need to be said. And heard. For both of us. He asks pertinent questions. The old one used to fixate on DH's resentment on a myriad of issues, some of which I think are really stupid....but they are his feelings and he is entitled to them no matter what my opinion is. New guy tells him that he needs his own therapist to help him deal with it.
I was reading some posts the other day on a message board I go to. Someone asked the question "what's the worst thing that's ever happened to you?" I would have to say this whole ordeal is my worst thing. But some of the other responses were heartbreaking....my grief and pain and sadness pales in comparison. I guess no matter what, things can always be worse.
I like our new therapist. He doesn't seem to be afraid to say things that need to be said. And heard. For both of us. He asks pertinent questions. The old one used to fixate on DH's resentment on a myriad of issues, some of which I think are really stupid....but they are his feelings and he is entitled to them no matter what my opinion is. New guy tells him that he needs his own therapist to help him deal with it.
I was reading some posts the other day on a message board I go to. Someone asked the question "what's the worst thing that's ever happened to you?" I would have to say this whole ordeal is my worst thing. But some of the other responses were heartbreaking....my grief and pain and sadness pales in comparison. I guess no matter what, things can always be worse.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
New therapist today - so kinda looking forward to it, kinda not
We have an appointment this afternoon with our new therapist. I have talked to him on the phone twice. He seems very nice...has a sweet, soothing voice. I know that doesn't mean anything, but at least just talking to him didn't fill me with dread. DH is on-board.....I told him I'd be happy to go alone and would rather have it that way if he is not going to be open and honest. So we'll see. Wish me luck.
Started my class yesterday with a bang....I've finished half of the assignments for the week and am getting ready to take a quiz. She puts out the assignments for the entire quarter, so I can work ahead if I want. Just have to do each week's assignments/quizzes by Saturday. This online class business is kinda fun.
Started my class yesterday with a bang....I've finished half of the assignments for the week and am getting ready to take a quiz. She puts out the assignments for the entire quarter, so I can work ahead if I want. Just have to do each week's assignments/quizzes by Saturday. This online class business is kinda fun.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Still plugging along....
....I will not go into details....in no mood to.....but there've been lots of ups and downs. Very unsure of where things are going. I am taking it one day at a time.
New developments I DO want to talk about: 1) we are seeing a new therapist starting on Tuesday. We got dumped/were about to fire our old one. I went for a male perspective this time. Actually, I had planned to go alone after DH and I had a conversation where he accused me of "forcing" him to go to counseling. So my attitude was "fine...don't go". Last week he called and asked me where we stood with counseling. I said I was looking for someone (didn't mention that it was for me) and he said good, he thinks we still need it, what did I think? 2) I am starting a class at the community college. The whole job search was overwhelming for me. I feel terribly unqualified for anything. So I'm taking an intro to Excel, Microsoft Word, and Powerpoint. It's an online class....I won't even need to go to the campus for anything. I would like to take the next class when I'm done with this one. I'm actually looking forward to getting started tomorrow morning! Hopefully when I'm done I'll able to call myself proficient, at least in those 3 things! :)
New developments I DO want to talk about: 1) we are seeing a new therapist starting on Tuesday. We got dumped/were about to fire our old one. I went for a male perspective this time. Actually, I had planned to go alone after DH and I had a conversation where he accused me of "forcing" him to go to counseling. So my attitude was "fine...don't go". Last week he called and asked me where we stood with counseling. I said I was looking for someone (didn't mention that it was for me) and he said good, he thinks we still need it, what did I think? 2) I am starting a class at the community college. The whole job search was overwhelming for me. I feel terribly unqualified for anything. So I'm taking an intro to Excel, Microsoft Word, and Powerpoint. It's an online class....I won't even need to go to the campus for anything. I would like to take the next class when I'm done with this one. I'm actually looking forward to getting started tomorrow morning! Hopefully when I'm done I'll able to call myself proficient, at least in those 3 things! :)
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
My 4 readers will be disappointed....
...but I don't think I'll be updating my blog for a while. My life has become too pathetic, too sad, too hopeless to bother. I'd feel stupid even putting most of it in writing. :(
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