Perception is interesting

For the last year I haven't been myself. In some ways that's actually good. I've made some changes that really needed to happen, though I didn't really know it at the time. For a very long time I really didn't want to interact with anyone. My contact with anyone outside my family was pretty minimal. I was okay on the phone with friends but getting together, face-to-face was not something I was interested in at all. It was very difficult for me to get out and mingle. I did it when it was unavoidable and I managed. Basically it's felt like I've been walking around with a black cloud over my head. That's gotten progressively better, thank God.

Over the weekend, oldest kid had a basketball game. There are two athletic booster ladies we call the "booster Nazis". They run a tight ship....overseeing the concession stands, selling tickets to events. They are large and in charge. One of them is an older lady with kids about my age. She is really friendly. I walked in to buy my ticket on Saturday and she said "Now there's my ray of sunshine!" I know I looked totally dumbfounded. Me??? Ray of sunshine??? Seriously??? I think I might have looked behind me to see if there was a pleasant, happy person standing back there. Nope...she really was talking to me. I said "I don't think I've ever been called THAT before." She said "Well, I'm surprised. You are so nice and positive and happy all the time. It makes my day when you walk through that door." !!! I thanked her for being so sweet, but I walked off scratching my head. Unless she was totally bullshitting me, she obviously sees something I don't. I am not really one to try to act all chipper and cheerful when I'm dying inside, either. So she must have just caught me on good days or else she's normally surrounded by grouchy bitches. :) It's just funny to hear how someone else perceives you.

I've noticed some changes lately in myself that I am just trying to experience, and not interpret and dissect them to death. DH had two days off work last week due to the snow. First day, the kids were home too. The second day they had school. I was actually extremely disappointed that he wasn't going to work. I wanted to be alone, wanted to get back in my normal routine. Most of the time during all this, I was so clingy and just desperate for time with him alone....time to try to gauge how he was feeling, what he was doing, how he felt about me. Now I have more and more occasions where I think I just don't want to look at him right now. At night I find myself curled up in a ball facing away from him, which is how I slept for several months last year.....first when I felt something was amiss but couldn't put my finger on it, then when I KNEW something was up but didn't come right out and ask (and looking back, it probably would have been pointless - he would have lied and I'm sure he knew that I knew anyway). It's an interesting evolution.

Gave myself a 5 week pass

We had our appointment this morning. I majorly screwed up because I thought it was at 11:30 and it was actually at 11:00....so we showed up 30 minutes late. I hate tardiness so I really am annoyed with myself that I did that. But it actually turned out okay. We didn't need more than 30 minutes anyway. We went in, I told him that I hadn't wanted to come and why, and we scheduled an appointment for the end of February. He was just concerned that I would go downhill between now and then, but I do have the option of going in, either alone or with DH, before then if I wanted to.

I do think DH is a little worried though. He'd sent an email to the counselor about something else that week and forwarded had messed up the email address, so the counselor never got it. When DH figured that out, he forwarded the message to both the doctor and me. At the end of the message, DH had said that I was reluctant to come and he doesn't know what to do...he's at a loss. I think I might have hit the nail on the head when I said that I think DH is afraid that if I'm done with counseling I'm done with him too. And I may be mean, but I think it might be good to let him worry a little bit. Let him walk in my shoes for a while.

A little better....

....but not a whole lot.

We have a counseling appt tomorrow. I almost cancelled this one too. I just want to tell him that I want to take a break. Give me a month to get past some of these "anniversaries". But I never cancelled so I guess I'm going, unless I send DH alone. But I'm planning to tell him that I'm apprehensive about these appointments right now....that I really just don't want to face them, that getting through each day is sometimes hard enough. Discussing that should take up a nice chunk of the hour anyway. :) It's funny though....when I told DH that I didn't really want to go to the appointment, I thought he'd be all over that like wet underwear. He really wasn't. He didn't try to talk me into going, but he didn't go right along with quitting therapy either....he's just kind of acting like it's understood that we're going. I can't imagine what he's thinking.....but I wonder if he is thinking that if I give up on counseling I'm giving up on him too?

This has been a long, bad week

Started off with DH leaving for the week. It's weird....I don't really miss him but at the same time, I'm struggling with him being gone. I think I mentioned in my previous post (but I'm too lazy to go check!) that this particular place he went just is a trigger for all kinds of negative emotions. I have had crazy thoughts all week. DH has not helped really. First two days, he called, texted, or emailed a lot. A friend finds it odd that we communicate so much during the day, but we do and really always have. Second two days....not so much. In fact, hardly at all. And that gets my mind racing in a million directions at once. I hate that feeling. I feel so beyond all that sometimes, but obviously I'm not. And really, the answer is probably that HE'S BUSY. I guess what I have a hard time with is this: he has proven to me that he is capable of all kinds of awfulness and there's really not a lot I'd put past him. So why am I here? No one can answer that but me....and I don't have an answer. I think what's happened is back over the late summer, when some stuff was going on, I was pretty set on what was going to happen: I was getting out. And DH was busting his tail to get back in my good graces. And I caved. I wanted to believe, and sometimes I almost can. And now....when things are good, I can actually be hopeful. But when things are bad...I think of all the awful things he's done, the horrible lies he's told, how good an actor he's become....and I think I'm crazy. Truly crazy.

Then also this week kid #1 had a lot of horrible teen-girl drama at school. She usually doesn't have many problems with that. For the most part she's clueless. I know more gossip than she does. But yesterday was bad....really, really. Like she sat by her locker and cried instead of eating lunch, then came home to cry some more. I honestly can't tell you the last time I saw this kid cry. It's just heartbreaking to see your kid hurt like that. All I can say is this is the first major episode of this....some girls' entire existences are full of drama, trauma, fights, crying.

I don't know what's wrong with me

I have been so down this week. DH is out of town. He is out of town at the same place he went last year when he was all hot and heavy with the ugly dumbass,and a lot of his plotting and lying revolved around that trip to this place. Apparently it's a trigger and I'm NOT dealing well with it at all. I've spent a lot of time staring out the window, crying, just wallowing in misery. Misery is a little strong....I'm not totally miserable....I am just sad, tired of it all.

One thing that's coming to me though.....I am not sure I love him anymore. Maybe it's just lessening. It actually kind of makes me happy, in a weird way.

I'm a party -pooper.

Appointment looming - Saturday

And I don't want to go. Really don't want to go AT ALL. Will I go? Probably. But I don't want to. I've been in a funk since our last session. Nothing really has happened, I just feel like if this is what our life is like, I don't want it.

I have wondered quite a bit what things would have been like if I had been the one to cheat. A friend says she thinks men are more forgiving. I don't know that I agree. I think women TRY to be more forgiving because I think women are more interested in keeping their family intact if possible. I don't think men care about that nearly as much. I really think if I had strayed, he'd be gone by now.

Aside from my generally funky lowness, things have been okay. I don't trust him and really wonder if I ever will again. Now I'm at this odd place where I have thoughts cross my mind but I don't care nearly enough to look any further. I figure if anything happens I will find out....which is really a pretty crappy attitude to have. Counselor even asked DH that - is that how you want your wife to think?

I know I'm whining....but I really just don't wanna go. Waaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

Therapy sucks

We had our first appointment that was really really awful. Crying, yelling. Both from me, I might add. Nastiness from DH. He has apologized over and over....says he hates that he made me cry because he's hurt me enough already. Asked me if I wanted to quit going (and probably secretly hoping to God that I'd say yes). And right now, I'd have to say YES, I'd LOVE to quit going. But I know that most things worth doing are not easy, and I imagine that by the time our next appointment rolls around in two weeks I'll be headed back.