...a little backstory: we had our counseling appointment today. Dr. O never read the article, which kind of bugged me, but we did discuss it some. She still is adamant that I don't need to know the details....that they will cause obsession. DH is adamant that I don't need the details (he is probably adamant for various reasons, but one is that he thinks it will cause obsession). I was adamant that I deserved the details if I wanted them. It was not a bad scene but definitely not one of the most pleasant experiences I've had. She asked us to please not discuss this any further until our next appointment, at which point we'd see what kind of compromise we could come to. I did tell DH later that I don't think there's a right or wrong answer to this. Some people need to know details. Some people would rather be in the dark. He obviously doesn't want to share anything that will make him look worse than he already does, or make either of us FEEL worse than we already do.
So this afternoon, I made us massage appointments for Friday. Someone recently gave us gift certificates and we're going to use them. We emailed back and forth about them a little. We have been going to another place for massages and I asked DH if that was the only place he'd ever been. He said no, that to answer one of my questions, that was a gift she gave him for Valentine's Day - a massage. I wrote him back with a couple related questions, which he found annoying and he pointed out that this is exactly what Dr. O was talking about. I wrote him back and said if he'd answered all these questions ages ago when I'd first asked them, they'd be a thing of the past now. I also told him that although finding that out hurt a lot worse than I thought it would, I appreciated his honesty. He wrote back that he was pissed off. I told him that I'm not (though it does piss me off some if I were being totally honest - which I'm not obviously)....because if I ask him a question and he gives me an honest answer, it really is unfair to get angry at him. I'm not really mad at HIM...just over the whole damn situation. Kinda puts a damper on my massage Friday. :( But I'm not going to let this ruin it for me. I didn't ask if she went with him. Or what he did the rest of the day (that was one of the days he took off work and I didn't know what he did - the other day they went to the movies).
So now I am rethinking my need to know philosophy. I think I may still want to know all the things I think I want to know, but I am going to sit on it all week. We won't discuss it again. I may decide they're right. I did tell DH that I think what I want is for him to be WILLING to tell me what I want to know. I think if he said "I'll tell you whatever you want", I may very well decide I want to know nothing.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
In some ways it can feel like a power struggle, I guess. I want you to answer my questions, he doesn't want to answer your questions, so you feel even more determined to make him. ??
I think you are on track by seeing this as "no right or wrong answers" .. there is so much in therapy that is individual, "it depends on the person" kind of thing.
Your last paragraph states it perfectly. The anger we feel is at their anger at having to fess up. If they'd just fess up with immense guilt attached to every little detail, all would be solved.
Post a Comment