It's amazing what one bad thing, one upsetting piece of data, can do to my mental state. I had been feeling pretty up, and really I do feel good most days. But yesterday threw me for a loop. And there's really no reason. Nothing NEW happened. It was not a surprise. It's not like I didn't basically already know this information. Why did I get so upset?
After we went to bed last night, I told DH that he is right, Dr O is right....the details are more hurtful than helpful and cause me to fixate on the wrong things. He said he doesn't necessarily consider himself to be "right"...he is just going by what two professionals advised him to do, and by how I've reacted previously to receiving any details. I cried so hard last night. I just hurt. It's the only way to describe it...just plain old pain.
So today I'm dealing w/the after-effects of yesterday. Just general sadness, doom and gloom, mopiness. The what-ifs are rearing their ugly heads as well. But I am determined to deal w/what I know, the facts I have....and I really just have no evidence of anything at all. The thought just crosses my mind every now and then (at least way less often than it used to)....why would they NOT be involved still? Obviously it is something they are both capable of.
I did explain a lot of this to Dr. O yesterday....that I have quit (not totally obviously!) torturing myself with the what-ifs and am working on dealing only with the cards I have in front of me. I have also quit trying to stop anything from happening....not that I've had that opportunity in a long time. But used to, particulary w/the Blackberry, I'd be all over him, hanging over his shoulder, watching his every move, figuring I'd be able to head off him sending any emails. Now I think why? Why do that? I can't stop anyone from doing anything, plus I'm not with him 24 hours a day....I can't control over 12 hours a day while he's gone from home durng the week, so why did I think controlling the few hours in the evenings and then weekends was doing any good? My philosophy now is that if there is any truth to come out, it will. At some point, it will.
I can be such a mess sometimes.
1 comment:
you're not a mess, simply a work in progress. its such an up and down process. at times you may feel like a mess, but you're just coping. and coping has its really tough moments (minutes, hours, days)
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