I have been thinking a lot about the details of DH's affair. Not the sex so much (though I do have a couple fairly vague questions about that)....just other things I really want to know. Like did he ever go to her house, what gifts did she give him and does he still have them, had her husband suspected and confronted her or was he totally in the dark, when was the first time they ever got together outside the gym (that's where they met) and where did they go. Nothing earth-shattering....just little questions that roll around in my brain.....things that if I knew what really happened, I'd probably quit thinking of them.
DH has answered a lot of questions. He has been very truthful about many things. He never denied he was having an affair (though he may have if I'd confronted him with no proof). He told me many details. There are some questions he just wouldn't answer. They were no worse than some of the questions he HAD answered....I think he just felt like I didn't need to know or that the answers were irrelevant.
This is a subject I've been thinking about a lot lately. I came across an article on an infidelity website about the need to know the details, and so much of it hit home with me. It said that withholding the details continues to keep the betrayed spouse on the outside.....and allows the betrayer to keep secrets with the OP (other person - I prefer to call her CWBS, which stands for something not real nice :P). I think that has been what's really bothered me the most all along about the things he won't tell me....he should not be allowed the comfort of not having to tell me. If I want to know so I can feel that I'm inside again, then he needs to tell me.
DH's counselor said not to tell me the details. I wasn't there when it was discussed obviously, but I THINK that his reasoning was it would just hurt me further and serve no purpose. OUR counselor said I didn't need the details either, but her reasoning was I could ask a million questions and still have a million more....I think she felt it would just feed on itself and I would obsess more and more....because for a while I was certainly prone to obsessing.
But now....3 months into this mess.....which isn't so messy anymore now that I think about it....I DO still have questions. And I don't have a million questions either....probably a dozen. Last Wednesday at our appointment, I gave our counselor a copy of the article that really got me thinking about this again. It explained my feelings so well that I really think I could have written it myself.
In anticipation of her MAYBE suggesting that DH should answer some of my questions, I have made a list of things I want to know. I go back occasionally and purge things or add things. Having it there in black and white in front of me makes me really think: does this matter to me anymore? Do I really want to know this? What if the answer is "bad"...maybe some of these are questions I should put away for later.
I've also been reading a good book called "Tell Me No Lies", obviously about lying but it deals w/lying and honesty in relationships. Our counselor recommended it and frankly I've hated just about every book she's suggested but this one is pretty good. I am often what the authors call a "lie invitee". A lie invitee encourages her partner to lie by her reaction to the truth.....she uses negative body language, angry outbursts, crying, and other undesirable behaviors in reaction to a truth she doesn't like. I think that is a natural thing to do when something upsets you, but it does not invite the other person to be honest with you in the future. So I have to really work on my reactions if I'd like answers to some of these questions.
I am a such a work in progress.
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6 comments:
Wow. Well thought out and said. I tend to believe: A counselor has the responsibility to work to understand this. And then support it. Seriously.
Hi, thanks for commenting. I just checked out your blog....you have some gorgeous photos on there. You seem interesting. :)
I do plan to argue my case tomorrow. I feel I have a more than valid argument.
Thank you. :o) Everything you said here is so true. So right. So valid. I wonder what would happen if a statement was made to the counselor...instead of an argument? My fingers are crossed for you. I think people deserve ((support)) from a counselor...while figuring it all out.
a lie invitee .. hmmm, I like that. ITA that aggressive replies and body language are the great defenders against open communication from our partners. unfortunately, I know this first hand. If we are too toxic, we simply invite silence or lies.
I don't really intend to "argue". I just used that word since I know she doesn't agree with me, or didn't previously anyway.
The book is good...you should take a look at it. It's written by a couple. The woman's name is Ellen (might be Ellyn?) Bader. I like books written with practical, normal language without a lot of stupid names for things.
I would think MOST people except the most laid-back or rational would respond in a negative way to any truth that is hurtful or bad. It is hard to imagine saying "okay...thanks for being honest". I actually think that's why I really let up w/some of the questions a while back because I was not prepared to hear the answers. I was too fragile, too emotional. On my list of questions, there are only a couple that I would have a hard time if I got a "bad" answer.
I totally hear you.
I was thinking about how we usually go to an expert feeling somewhat obliged to do as they think (which we can then end up agonizing over), instead of comfy expecting/stating what we need (when we know it's the right answer for us).
It's so easy to get into a pattern of feeling like the child who has to make/argue their case to another/an expert in order to be respected/heard/validated. Whereas, if we state our needs, maybe it's possible to avoid that sense of ?? Of course, I'm guessing an extreme version of this is not healthy (I'm thinking of people with bullying/abusive personalities), but knowing and sharing our needs with mutual respect...maybe that's what we strive for?
That said, if someone betrays us, I'm not sure how in the world we're supposed to not feel/express our pain.
And that said, expressing our pain and horror is one thing ("I am DEVASTATED."). Lashing out or behaving in a cruel/abusive manner is another ("You piece of s**t!") Clearly, number one is the way to go. And if we're doing that, I don't see how anyone can tell us we're doing something wrong.
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