I have been dealing with volatile emotions lately. I am angry quite a bit.....I am sad quite a bit more. :( I am angry with him, angry with myself. Why can't I just bite the bullet and do what I need to do? Why do I desperately wish it was possible to stay married to this man (note: I still may wish it was possible but I do know now that it is not)? I can tell you right now why I'm having a hard time taking the plunge.....I just think of the three sets of big, brown, trusting, innocent eyes that will be staring at me, full of pain and confusion. It about KILLS me.
For a while I believed a lot of stupid lies. I wanted to believe them for one, but I also think I just was in such a fragile mental state that facing the truth might have really done me in. But I do look back at some of the stuff I pretended to buy....and I think "wake up and smell the coffee". What a moron I was at times.
I know I'm strong in a lot of ways. I haven't totally fallen off the deep end, even when I felt I might. I haven't done anything too terribly stupid, or needy, or embarrassing, or desperate. But right now....I just feel weak. Knowing what I need to do and feeling paralyzed to actually make a move.....it makes me feel spineless.
Sigh.
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3 comments:
It sounds like you're totally normally, healthy and appropriate, processing all of this at your very own pace. I recognize your shoes. Big time. I think the smartest thing you/any of us can do is process everything at our own pace. Take all the time you need in the world. :o)
You're recovering. Its normal, in fact, necessary, to feel weak. But you are not weak. You have been strong and steady and most importantly, have kept your eyes open.
I too, feel bad for those three sets of eyes. Four, actually. There's a fourth pair that are getting a raw deal.
You'll get there. I know you will.
you are strong ....
you are also human and allowed to be full of doubts and not know what to do .....
you'll make it ....
i'm just not sure what it will look like!
be patient with yourself ....
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