....the magical drop dead date I set for myself. If I don't feel much more positive, less paranoid, more hopeful by then, I'm done, finished, gone, moving on. DH doesn't know about this. I never told him, and I don't think he needs to know either. My goal is to make the next 3 months as happy as possible for both of us. I want to enjoy Thanksgiving, I want to enjoy Christmas, we have an anniversary in there, and then the dreaded Valentine's Day is only days before my cut-off date. I will go to counseling, I will try, I will work hard, I will try to appreciate the present.
e.beck will be happy to hear I am not smoking anymore. Though I want to. Bad. But I'm not. Aside from the health aspect of it, it's a stinky (literally) habit and I don't like stinking. And there's not much you can do aside from a shower and hairwashing to get rid of that smell. It's terrible that I'm worried more about stinking than dropping dead from lung cancer.
I have a recurrent nagging thought that could really piss me off if I'd let it. One of DH's complaints has been that he feels a lack of appreciation. I will readily admit that I have rarely expressed my appreciation for all that he does for me and the kids. But since I never hear any appreciation for anything I do for the family, then I guess I just didn't think the expression of gratitude was that important to him. But since I know that's something he needs to hear, I have made it a point to make an effort....ask him about things that are important to him that I couldn't give two shits (or even one shit) about, ask him how things at work are going, thank him when he does something nice for us. The part that's a pisser is this: he has been gone for a month. 4 weeks. I have been alone with the kids the entire time, aside from when I visited him. They were out of school for over a week of that time. I have done everything on my own. (I know...waaa waaaa waaaa....) He has not asked even once how things are going, am I doing okay, NOTHING. Once upon a time, this would not have bothered me. I think it's "my job" and I don't expect gratitude....I am happy where I am and doing what I want to do and I'm okay with it. But if HE feels like the lack of appreciation is an issue for HIM, then why doesn't he think I might like some too? I swear that I might turn lesbian.
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Tell him you need appreciation too, then. Good job being smoke-free. And good God, don't turn anything because of another.
Just kidding on the lesbian bit. I tell my friend all the time that I'm moving in with her....I think we'd be blissfully happy together.
I do think its stunning that he doesn't even ask how ya'll are making out. Especially since you are still in infidelity recovery mode.
I have mixed feelings about his request for appreciation when he shows none himself. Sometimes a person has needs that they themselves are't good at handing out and since you don't feel the "need" for it, he doesn't have to produce it. But yeah, one of the goals I live by: do unto others and I would have them do unto me.
Sometimes I think your dh has myopic vision. He sees things through his own needs and doesn't stop to put himself in your shoes. And that this whole therapy process hasn't helped him do better at it.
Yog - that's my point: I don't really need or expect appreciation (though it's nice to hear) but I would think that if it's important to HIM he'd feel like he needed to treat me the same way.
DH seems to be "getting it" a little bit. I'm not totally convinced or holding my breath on that obviously....but he's said and done things lately that make me wonder. At our counseling session the other day he brought up something I have done that's bothered him and he said "I know this is nothing in comparison to what I've done but...." and that is NOT what he would have said at one time. Those things were on equal footing to him. So he is either getting it or just getting better at knowing what to say. Like I said, I'm not totally convinced but am willing to explore it a little further.
I think he also didn't ask how we're doing here because he knows...I'm fine, the kids are fine, I have my act together. But that doesn't mean it wouldn't be nice if he asked.
Some people are givers - and emotionally connective. Others are not. I guess we have to ask ourselves if we're willing to become that which we wish to see. And are they?
I probably shouldn't be reading this because it brings up all the old feelings (we're almost three years into the affair recovery), though I have to say that you've got it way more together than I ever did in terms of dealing with him relationally. I threatened to leave for the first year and a half every time we had a fight. Sigh. I'm guessing that's the idiocy of youth talking, and the possibility of moving with family 500 miles away to hurt him. Sigh again.
All that to say, I think what you're doing is amazing, and I surely couldn't have.
When my ex-husband and I tried a reconciliation and therapy after I had filed for divorce because of his controlling and abusive behavior, I knew that it was over, that it was just to give him time to reconcile to getting divorced. As I knew I wanted to marry him, so did I know that I wanted to divorce him--no waiverings.
Are you trying to talk yourself out of something that you feel is right or are you really committed to giving it a try? Knowing ourselves is probably the most important step to either reignite a relationship or suffocate it.
To be honest, I don't really know what is right. I just don't want to do anything I might regret later. I don't think giving it time will be something I'd regret. I guess if I gave it YEARS, yes, I might regret that. I am committed to getting throught this (together, if possible) but I am just not so blindly hopeful anymore. I have changed A LOT.
hooray on stopping smoking ... your kids SO don't need that to be you!
and i think you SHOULD say, damn it, i'm working on appreciating you and saying nice things, now do the same for me a LOT ....
ask for what you want and need ....
let him ask for what he needs too ....
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