If I never hear those words strung together ever again, it will be too soon. I LOATHE that statement. I'm sure you've guessed by now that I've heard DH say it. A million times. But guess what? I don't buy it.
Okay....giving him the benefit of the doubt, maybe he didn't have an affair with that in mind...."wow, this will REALLY hurt her. I'm going to go for it". But every step of the way, did he ever think I'd be HAPPY about what he was doing? Did he think I'd like it? If he was thinking at all, he'd know the answer is no, I would not have approved. Of course not.
That counseling appointment I have in a few weeks....I'm thinking of cancelling that one too. I may go by myself before that, but I just am not interested anymore. I think I am finally getting through my thick head that we are done here. And I say this in absence of any drama, trauma, or anything noteworthy....there's nothing going on at all except the realization that this just ain't gonna work. I have moments of happiness with DH but I have many more moments where I think "what am I doing?" or "who am I kidding?" and I just don't think I want to look at his face anymore.
Will this pass? Should I just ride it out?
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5 comments:
I never meant to hurt you. Yeah. Those are words meant to exonerate the culprit, you know? As if the fact that he didn't SET OUT with the primary, deliberate intention of hurting you somehow makes it better for you. I know that it doesn't. You ARE hurting, regardless.
Will this pass? Nobody will have the answer. In the marriages that "make it", I'd guess each of those hurt spouses has had this thought 100x. It's worth a shot, telling your psychologist how you feel. If therapy is stalling out for you, s/he needs to know that. This could be an inevitable process and landing place. The therapist might be able to help you sort that out.
p.s. hugs
Only you will know. Only you can figure that out. Only you will decide. I didn't pressure myself to make these decisions, but I sure did suffer while taking a long time trying to figure it out. And it took years to recover, even after I left. I still cannot believe all I went through. What we go through. You are not alone. I'm thinking of you.
Isle Dance, I always look forward to hearing your perspective. I get lots of support and I appreciate all of it, but my friends who've been there really understand (unfortunately for all of us).
I don't think "suffering" is a word I'd use to describe myself now, though maybe I have in my down moments. I suffered plenty for months and months though. On one hand, I wonder where I'd be now if a year ago I'd stuck with my knee-jerk reaction of getting out NOW. But on the other hand, I've had the opportunity to expore myself and my feelings like I wouldn't have if I'd done that. I guess no matter how things end up, I can take comfort in knowing that I gave it time, thought it out, and really tried.
I owuld say two things (never having been through a divorce, just thinking what I would probably thin, were I you):
- imagine yourself 10 years from now, is where you are now where you want to be?
- what behavior and choices do you want to model for your children in the end (int he end because they will be hurt and confused and may not see the true reason for the choice for many years)
Why not try a "trial" seperation and see how you feel. Give yourself some time to figure out if a divorce is really what you want. You can't go on with the feelings you have. Maybe if you seperate you can have some closure and figure out if you want to move on without DH or maybe you'll come to realize that you want your marriage and then you'll have to move on to the next step, which is forgiveness. Not so much for DH, but for yourself so that you can let go and start healing. It's not easy but once you forgive (you never forget) it does get easier. You may find that you are happier without DH. You did the right thing by giving yourself a year to process. Nothing good comes out of making such an important decision when you're hurt/pissed. If you do divorce you can honestly tell your kids that you did everything in your power to make your marriage work. Good Luck to you!
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