Today's appointment

I had a counseling session alone today. It is bothering DH to no end. I'm surprised he didn't ask me to record the whole thing. He hasn't come right out and asked me for every last details but he asked how it went and clearly is curious. I told him that it was actually good and I learned a lot. He asked what I learned a lot about and I said mostly me, some about him, and some of about that stupid worthless whore made me feel.

The reason I wanted to see him alone is because lately I've been thinking about things A LOT, too much. Things I don't want to think about, things that aren't really productive to think about. Bottom line is no matter what happens with my marriage, I can't carry this around forever. Him being in or out of my life probably wouldn't make any difference as far as these thoughts go. Lately something I've been dwelling on is a couple conversations I had with HER.....things she said to me that could practically make my brain explode and smoke come out of my ears. Another thing that's been bothering me surrounds the whole Valentine's Day last year bit. And that also ties into one of the comments she made to me. I told Dr. E. that what I felt when I found out he'd gotten me nothing yet got her something, is that I was "disposable". He was done with me, onto someone else, and I didn't matter anymore. At all.

When I brought that up, the counselor kind of had an "AHA" moment. All this is bothering me so much because I have felt pretty disposable my whole life. My dad....when my parents divorced he left and that was it. No visits, no child support, no nothing. He died a couple years ago and I didn't even find out until a year and a half later. I was disposable. My mom....when my parents got divorced, she was pretty much done parenting. I got pretty much no guidance at all. She was at first very depressed (understandable) and later way more interested in her social life than knowing what I was doing. I was on my own. I don't think her intentions were BAD, but the result was the same nonetheless. Again....disposable. I really felt like I should have been laying on the couch or looking at ink-blots. :)

I'm glad I went. It's sometimes nice to just have someone listen to you. Though my mind just races and I bounce from one thing to the next. He probably thinks I'm a total wackjob.