I was asked in a comment on my previous post how our last counseling session went. The answer is: eh...it was okay. Still love the doctor. Very straightforward, no sugar-coating at all. He says he sees us as "teetering", and he's absolutely right. At one point I did want to get up and high-five him, but I refrained. It's a long story....I won't go into the entire thing but in a nutshell here's what happened: Fri night DH was about 30 minutes late getting home. He had texted me that the road was closed due to an accident (there are accidents on this particular road almost daily - small ones, but there's a lot of traffic that goes through there). He is a lousy texter so half the time I don't even know what he's talking about. I ASSumed that he was sitting on the off ramp and was stuck there. So when I texted him in reply I had it all screwed up. What actually happened is he never got off the highway at his exit because he could see from the highway that the road was closed. He got off at the next exit and took the back way home. I wasn't upset in the first place.....had no reason for disbelief and really didn't care. When he got home and explained it I said "Oh....I had no clue what you were talking about". He said something about getting the 3rd degree. I dropped it, though my blood was boiling. It came up at our appointment the next day and doctor basically said he needed to learn to deal with the consequences of his actions. Though I did have to point out that there was actually no consequence in this case....I wasn't mad, didn't NOT believe him, I didn't think anything....it was a non-issue....but we've had similar incidences were I HAVE questioned him, though not for a very long time. DH doesn't like to be questioned....imagine that. Doctor said these conversations are the result of DH's choices, DH's actions....and he needs to understand that....that HE has caused this. If he feels like he's getting the 3rd degree, he needs to remember why that is. I wanted to get up and give him a big gigantic smooch....but I maintained composure. DH told him that he is always looking over his shoulder, thinking I'm going to be following him around to check up on his whereabouts. The doctor said "But she's not doing that.....you aren't going to do that, are you?" I said "Hell yes, I would if I had reason to. Right now....I don't have reason to, so no, I'm not."
I was driving somewhere a couple weeks ago. There are a few landmarks in our area that bring up very bad feelings for me, and they are often what gets my mind working overtime. I churn these thoughts over and over through my head and it's hard to turn them off. I was just thinking about how this whole time I've been living my life while trying to make a decision....do I stay or do I go? Then I wondered what would happen if I just tried to change my whole mindset....and instead live my life as if it's a given that we're staying together. And really, if that's what I wanted, I think that's what would happen. I think at one point DH would have left me in a minute if I'd kicked him out....but I think now he doesn't want that at all. I realize that that's not a novel idea.....to just assume that things are going to be okay and proceed through life like that.....people do that all the time. It's called various things, from head in the sand to optimism to sunny optimism. I'm not even sure I could do that. I am able to fool myself to some extent, but when you get right down to it, I'm a realist.
I have felt some changes come over me lately that are intriguing. For many months, I professed my love for DH. To put it bluntly, I was desperate. Desperate to be wanted, desperate for my life (and my kids' lives) to not change - and probably for the worse, desperate to not feel like I had no control. For the last 6 months or more, things have been a little different. DH tells me he loves me all the time. Sometimes I answer....more often I say nothing. I'm not MEAN to him, but I have certainly cooled off quite a bit. If he wants me, he has to earn it. I have to hand it to him a little bit....if I told someone I loved them daily for over 6 months and they rarely responded, I'd say "to hell with it"....but he keeps at it. But now....I find myself thinking other things...like "I might not love him after all". I never had really thought that until a couple weeks ago. Before that I thought I loved HIM, but hated what he did. Now....I'm not so sure.
3 comments:
Unknowns are interesting, aren't they?
Did the doc ever "get" that YOU weren't doing anything, you weren't over-questioning due to suspicions, rather you were just trying to understand?
Whichever, it's not all that important, except that your DH reaction was to assume he was being interrogated and THAT is definately HIS doing (the history of actually being interrogated, for good reason).
So regardless, the doc is right that Dh needs to learn to sleep in the bed he made without havng such a fit about it. Without taking it out on you, blaming you for HIS over reaction.
Frustration tolerance, dude. Learn it.
As for the "do I love him" bit. I can relate. I lived with a guy..for years .. and I wanted out for the last two of them. Was slowly plotting my escape. He beat me to it (with infidelity). I was devestated. He left immediately (I asked him to).
Weeks later I all but begged him back. I kept thinking, "WTF am I doing? I wanted out, now I've got it." But the hurt, the kick in the gut, the jealousy, the misery .. it was all too much. So in the midst of all that I THOUGHT I loved him, deep down.
Ok, fast forward to a few months later. Or a dozen years later ... to now. I'm SO glad it happened. I wasn't in love with him anymore, but I was attached to him. Many years of loving him and I grew attached. Attachment isn't the same as being in love. But it hurts like shit when its time to move on.
Not sure this applies directly. Just that when we're hurt, when we're miserable, we cling to the person who hurt us because it's too hard to do anything else.
AGain, whether this is how YOU feel, I don't know. But your confusion is completely understandable.
Yes, the doctor got it. He knew exactly what I was saying. What he was telling DH is that even if I HAD been questioning him because I thought he was up to something, he needs to deal with it.
You've told me about your old boyfriend, how he cheated on you. Did he come back when you pretty much begged him to or did you stay split up? You are right....in the midst of anguish, the familiar sounds a lot better sometimes than doing what needs to be done....especially with 3 children along for the ride. Sigh.
I'll get to wherever I need to be. Eventually.
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