Our couples counselor has talked about trust issues....about my need to trust again, about the need for him to provide reassurance when I need it. Neither of us has done a very good job with those things. I think I am just habitually on high alert now. It's hard not to be. He is just not good with communicating, though he is getting better, and has a hard time sometimes with uttering the words I need to hear.
Anyway....our counselor told me a couple weeks ago that I just need to choose to believe him when I ask him if he's doing this or doing that or not doing this or not doing that. I need to choose to believe him until I am shown otherwise. So I am working on that but it is really really hard. Sometimes my head tells me one thing and my heart tells me another. And they argue with each other. I feel like I have a little angel and devil sitting on my shoulders.
We had an issue come up over the weekend.....I'm thinking that perhaps I need to take an out-of-town job on the weekends so that I'm not home since that seems to be when the shit hits the fan most of the time. But in the end, I am choosing to believe him. Originally my head and my heart had opposite opinions, but now my head is coming around a bit. I allow myself that because generally I am SO skeptical and many times do not believe, so I am granting myself permission to believe even when logic tells me otherwise.
What I've also pondered is this: why do I keep asking these questions? What answer do I expect?
I am also having a really hard time with not snooping all the time. I am snooping and digging and searching to the point that it makes me crazy. I have always had issues with obsessive thoughts when I am going through something....and this is the worst. Right now I am sitting here with a rubberband on my wrist that I am going to snap every time I have an obsessive thought or find myself on super high alert for no reason.... I figure this little bit of behavior mod might not work, but it can't hurt. Snap snap snap.
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3 comments:
i like that you are doing a blog ....
it is good to be able to get it out .... to form your thoughts, type them out, send them out into cyber space ....
and sympathetic readers can know and leave comments ...hopefully leaving you feeling supported ....or at least listened to ....
i'm listening ...
i think you are brave and smart ....and however it turns out, you will still be brave and smart
snap & breathe. don't forget to breathe. and distract yourself.
i agree, you're smart and brave. it wasn't your brainchild to start snooping. it wasn't born out of idle curiosity. you are only doing what smart, strong, brave women do when driven to it by infidelity. i believce you will see this decrease as the "found objects" cease. but it will still take time. that new four letter word.
and i also agree, i think this blog is excellent. for you. and hopefully for others in your predicament.
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