Slept alone last night for the first time since all this mess started (except for one night last month that he was out of town). Since February I have not slept well. I sleep, and I don't have long periods of lying there awake, but I do wake up frequently during the night. I would say I wake up maybe 10 times. Last night.....cracked window to let in nice cool air (LOVE sleeping like that), sprawled out in the middle of the bed, put head on pillow....and passed out. I could get used to this. :) But why did it happen? I wasn't THAT tired, and I'd had lots of caffeine yesterday....too much in fact. Is having him here that stressful to me and I just don't realize it? Is NOT having him here what will give me peace? I have 3 1/2 more weeks to figure that out.
We sit down and eat dinner as a family just about every night. That's always been very important to me and I try to make healthy and yummy meals. Sometimes one person is missing (most often daughter #1 if anyone - she is busy with sports and clubs and whatnot). Usually when DH is out of town, I don't really cook. I feed the girls obviously but I don't really make meals like I do on a normal night. Lots of waffles/yogurt/fruit/cereal or oatmeal, soup/grilled cheese, etc. But since he's going to be gone for a month I obviously can't go the whole time without cooking. I decided to treat this month as a "dry run".....to see how life with just me and my girls would be if that's how it was all the time. Clearly I wouldn't just stop cooking because I had no husband at home. If I really wanted to envision my possible new life, I'd get myself ready and dressed up and pretend I had to rush out the door every morning at 7:30 to get to work....but I think I might not take it that far. :)
Despite my night of blissful, restful sleep, I am in a funk today. I'm thinking things I don't want to think. Thinking things that used to consume me that I've tried hard to move away from. Wondering "why wouldn't he??" about having contact with this stupid, useless, ugly woman instead of assuming there isn't any. Dr E (new counselor) suggested last week that I just not bring up any issues while he's gone....save the comments for later, write them down if I need to, and talk about them at our next session (in 4 weeks) if I want to. It's hard....even though I really don't bring up much anymore anyway....and that's when I turn to my blog or my friends. My poor friends. :)
I saw a divorce attorney in August. He gave me loads of forms to fill out to file for divorce. I gave the whole envelope to my neighbor for safekeeping. I am planning to get it back while he's gone so I can start working on it and have it ready when/if I need it. I don't know that he looks through my stuff but I don't have an office or my own car to keep things in since I drive the family vehicle. I sometimes think I'd love to get into his office and see what he has hidden there. A few weeks ago he drove my car to work.....gas has been quite a bit cheaper up that way and he was going to fill it up. Before he left, I went out to the car to get a bag I had in there....with some books, copies of articles, magazine and newspaper clippings, my journal in it....all kinds of things related to this mess. He saw me get it and later sent an email asking what I had hidden in that bag. I didn't tell him....I just turned it around and asked what he keeps hidden that he doesn't want me to see. And of course I got no answer. I have another friend who is keeping a stash of cash for me. I "make a deposit" every now and then. I started my little nest egg with money I had found in his car....money he was using to finance his affair. I took it and I didn't give it back. He never asked for it either. I've wondered if he's ever looked for it....which is why I gave it to my friend. It's funny the way your mind works when you're trying to hide something. The most obscure hiding spots suddenly seem obvious. My personal choice was in one of several sunglasses pouches I had stuck in a dresser drawer. Then I start thinking of all HE hides/hid, and wonder how in the world he can function like that? Why would he want to?
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Reading this post makes it more clear why you fell into such a hard (deserved) good night's sleep after leaving him at the airport. Its exhausting trying to discern his every move, your next move, what is right, what is wrong, suppressing hurt feelings and doubts. Its natural you'd fall into a funk. You've got some recovery time coming to you.
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