I am still sad. Just plain old sad. I hate it. I feel myself slipping back into old ways and I desperately don't want to. So working on that.
I have said repeatedly from the beginning of all this "time will tell". And it will. Anything that needs to be known will come out somehow, sometime.
I just need to find peace. At times I've had it, at times I lose sight of it. I guess I need to realize that here, there, wherever....if he wants to be true and honest and right and good, he can. Location makes no diference.
One thing that I'm doing that's something I did in the early days of this fiasco is I look forward to going to bed. When evening rolls around, I can barely wait until I can climb into bed, close my eyes, and forget the world for a while...like for 7 or 8 hours. Last night kid #1 was out and I didn't want to go to sleep until she got home, but I got into bed with a book at 9:30. Of course when she came home at 11 I was passed out with a book on my chest. :) Right now it's almost 6:30 and I'm wondering if it's too early to put my pajamas on. I guess getting some beauty sleep is more productive than torturing myself with some of the thoughts in my head.
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Instead of thinking about how you might leave one day in the near future - which is what would make me sad - why not allow yourself to temporarily think that you're going to stay there forever. If you stay in that thought, it might make you feel a whole lot less sad and a whole lot more determined. To take good care of you, no matter where you are. (And my past exerience with this form of mind therapy is that it makes it much easier for me to not be sad...as it instead makes me really want to leave. But I "can't", if you get my drift.) Just a thought.
Isle, I appreciate your comments so much. They're always helpful and always make me think. Thank you.
You are so sweet, thank you. Having been through this myself, I hope sharing what I learned might bring someone else a little comfort/hope, too. I know this is not easy, yet I also know...even if we cannot imagine it...that we are not alone...and that others are there to help us...and that ultimately, we shine. And all is well. :o)
Sleep is what you're needing because your mental life is exhausting. As long as you're not getting too much sleep, to where you're avoiding life's responsibilities.
It doesn't sound like it, given how you waited up for your daughter. And you're up very early. 8 hours is never too much, in my book.
I like isle's idea. I was also thinking about trying to schedule a social activity or something fun that you can look forward to. A night out at the movies, for example. Or a massage. Or a pedicure. Or an evening at a bookstore. Be good to yourself and do some pleasureable things.
You're right...I am definitely not getting too much sleep. I am up by 6:00 just about every morning, whether I have anything to do that day or not. Most nights I don't go to bed until at least 10....last night I was up reading until past 11. But right now it's 3:30 in the afternoon and I'm already planning out my evening.....dinner early-ish (5:30 or so), get kids in the shower, do some chores, watch DVD I rented for the younger 2 (I don't really watch....I usually half-watch but sit here doing other things...they just like me being here with them), then BED. Aaahhhhhhhh. :)
For so many months, bedtime was an escape. Before I knew what was going on and merely suspected, I went to bed very early every night, usually as soon as the kids went to bed. Curled up in a tight ball and just fell asleep to get away from it all.
But I suppose I could be doing worse things to avoid being awake and present in this mess. I could be drinking and I'm not...I could be out, leaving my kids alone all the time and I'm not....I could be having my own affair and I'm not (though I have to admit....it would be tempting to hurt him by having a retaliatory affair, but I could never do that because of my kids, whether they ever found out or not -- this is where DH and I are VERY different).
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