Good days/bad days and forgiveness

I most definitely think my good days are more and more frequent....and my bad days don't suck nearly as bad. I guess that will keep on until the bad days are seldom and the good days are a way of life again. I can't wait.

I have felt very positive the last few days, and very hopeful. More hopeful than I have in a long time. I just feel like he is where he wants to be and before I was just never quite sure. He said that when things are going well he feels like he could almost forget what's happened, what he did. I think we'd be stupid to forget, but I'm glad he wants to....glad he wants to let go of those memories and move ahead.

We have our weekly counseling appointment tomorrow. She doesn't seem to have things scheduled for us to talk about like she did in the beginning. Now she just asks us if we have anything to discuss, and we go from there. This week I have something: last week he brought up that he is always thinking I'm going to follow him somewhere...like at the gym he spends all his time looking over his shoulder, thinking I'm going to be there. I told him....I have not and will not lower myself to following you around. I am not your mother, I don't want to be your mother, if you're doing something you're not "supposed" to, I'm going to find out eventually and will not lower myself to driving all over town. Now, if I KNEW he was up to something and I could bust him, hell yes....I'd be there. In fact, a couple months ago I DID know where he was one day and had plans to go there, find out what was going on once and for all (this was only days before I found out), and I ended up home w/a sick kid. I refused to leave a sick 10 yr old home alone, refused to take her with me (can you imagine?), didn't want to have my mom come over to watch her....so he went un-busted...and it didn't matter - it was too late at that point. The counselor told him that just like I have my own issues to work on (mine is obsessive thoughts about the details of the affair - though I am doing MUCH better), he has his....he is on edge all the time, wondering when something is going to set me off, when I'm going to show up somewhere, etc. I told him that that is unfair to me....I have NEVER followed him anywhere so it is unfair to be angry over the possibility. He HAS, however, lied about his whereabouts and done things to betray me. So my obsessive thoughts certainly make more sense than his obsessive thoughts. I just think that is something that needs to be addressed....if I'm expected to move on, he should as well. I do think a lot of what drives him his guilt. He needs to understand that if I'm going to try to forgive him, then he needs to be working on forgiving himself. I am glad that he's sorry but do think his obsessing is not productive. Of course I'm sure ALL obsessing is not productive.