"If my husband did that to ME, I'd _________"

For at least a couple weeks, I didn't tell anyone what was going on in my life. I stayed on my bed almost all day, alternating crying and sleeping and just staring. Finally, I opened up to a few people. I was careful in choosing who I told, because if my husband and I end up staying together, there are some people who I know would not be able to be civil to him if they knew what he'd done. I started with a wise and compassionate online friend. I tell her this all the time, but she really pulled me through the worst times and I owe her so much. Then I told my best real-life friend. Then I told a few more online friends and just 2 more real-life friends. One of those is a friend of about 20 years who has been through this, and I'm glad I told her. The other 2 real-life friends.....I wish I had kept my mouth shut. Real life friend #1 sees everything in black & white and just has a really hard time understanding my "strategy" (if you want to call this muddling through a strategy!) and real life friend #2 is super religious and just has some suggestions that I think are crazy.

Most people say the appropriate thing.....like "I'm so sorry you're going through this". But then I get some doozies. Real life friend #2 said that I should get together with my husband, the other woman, and her husband and we should all "put our cards on the table". Um.....NO. For various reasons. First of all, who in the hell is going to agree to that? I would love to know what the situation is with her marriage but a pow-wow ain't gonna happen. Second, my issue is with my own husband, so I don't know how that would solve anything anyway. Real life friend #1 is appalled that my husband and I actually spend time together and sleep in the same bed and even have had sex. She says she could not be in the same room with him and couldn't stand to let him touch her. My thought on that was if I was planning to try to repair things, him sleeping on the couch or me not speaking to him surely wasn't going to help. And as for sex, I felt like if I didn't do it soon, I wouldn't ever be ready. Sort of "getting back into the saddle". And I felt so alone and horrible and unloved that the closeness was what I wanted and needed.

The funny thing with these wacked-out opinions is that I didn't ask for them. I was explaining what was wrong with me (I basically dropped off the face of the Earth - something was clearly wrong) and that I needed support. Friend #1 did at least realize that perhaps she is saying the wrong things. She asked me to tell her when she is not being helpful, and I have. Friend #2...well I don't think she'll ever get it. I've decided that I just need to tell her that I don't want to talk about it anymore.

Oddly, the person I resisted telling the most is the one who has said the least. I told my mom last weekend because we had a mini-crisis going on and I felt like I needed to tell her something was up (she had my kids and was going to bring them home but I didn't want them coming home in the middle of an argument). She just said "you don't have to tell me anything if you don't want to". I gave her the very briefest synopsis and she hasn't said another word. She tries very hard not to get in my business all the time, and this is a quality that I find annoying sometimes. But right now....I appreciate it.

It was so hard for me to keep all this to myself, but sharing is difficult too.

I've just decided that no one knows what they would do in this situation until it happens to them.