My husband can't figure out why I still love him and want him around. He is glad that I do...and has said so quite a few times....but just can't imagine what he'd do if the shoe was on the other foot. We've had setbacks, horrible arguments, revelations, epiphanies, flung hateful words and accusations at each other....and he is just not sure that he'd still be here if I was the one who had cheated on him.
I told myself at the beginning of this journey (which started two months ago today, by the way) that I'd make no rash decisions. I realized that nothing had to be decided RIGHT NOW....that it was okay to sit tight and process everything on my own timetable. I think that it's remarkable that I was able to come to that decision, considering how much I was not myself at the time. Obviously I had some moments of clarity in the midst of all kinds of craziness.
So there are no guarantees that we'll end up together forever. But the more time that goes by, and the more counseling sessions we have, the better I feel. The more he opens up and tells me (and means!) the things I need to hear, the more hope I have. I guess at some point in the future I'll have to decide whether I feel better enough, hopeful enough that I'm going to be able to stay. Today, I think yes.....this is going to work. Yesterday I thought so too. I believe that two days is a record. :)
Our counselor is a little flaky. Actually she's a lot flaky. Hell, she's downright weird. But I like her. I think she is helping us, little by little. I always sit and imagine her having a discussion with her own husband....."so what I hear you saying is.....".
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3 comments:
thank goodness for moments of clarity .... i think it is great that you've not been rash ... and i think he should think you are remarkable and fabulous for staying level headed in the midst of his dreadful thoughtlessness ....
so what's the flaky bits? curious shrinks want to know.
She talks really really sloooooooooooooow. Which is not a bad thing...she is thinking before she speaks, which I could certainly do more of. But she tells us stories that she could shorten greatly and still have the same effect....so I'm sitting there looking at the clock thinking "we're paying for this???" She repeats herself A LOT (see the "we're paying for this????" comment). She turns her armrests in on her chair so they are squeezing her. She wears weird shoes. And clothes. She's just an odd bird. But I like her.
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