Will I ever be the same? Do I even want to be?

I am getting into this blogging business. :)

Many times through this ordeal, I have wished I could just go back to being my "old self". My old self was not suspicious. My old self believed her husband when he said he was going to the gym, to get coffee, to get his hair cut, to a meeting, on an overnight business trip, even to work. My old self didn't look through briefcases and wallets, didn't check Blackberries for emails or phone calls, didn't search through gloveboxes or under car seats. My old self was not tempted to follow her husband to wherever he's supposed to be (and for some reason, I will do all the other things listed but I refuse to follow anyone anywhere - I was really going to do it one time and ended up home with a sick child. I refuse to shirk my responsibilities to chase someone around like a crazy person). My old self smiled a lot, laughed a lot, did a lot. My old self was energetic and interesting.

But then I think about my old self and how perhaps she contributed to the situation my new self is now in. I take no responsibility for my husband turning to someone else, but I do take some responsibility for some of the things that made him angry enough and unhappy enough to do that. So I have taken a lot of time to examine my old self....what can I do differently? Is it my responsibility to even try to do things differently? I'm not the one who messed up here. But I have decided that it is in my best interest to really look inside myself....even if we don't end up staying together, don't I want to be a better person if I am able?

What I have discovered is I wasn't as physically affectionate as I could have been. Or as emotionally affectionate. I wasn't easy to talk to, and probably not easy to listen to either....neither of us are/were very good communicators. I was not very supportive of his career, and actually other things that I didn't understand or didn't care about for myself. I had gotten lazy. I didn't make an effort to spend time with my husband....just simple things like sitting in the same room watching TV or reading instead of being in other parts of the house, or getting out without the kids every now and then. I pretty much never put my husband first.

I believe it is an asset to be able to see one's own flaws. Too many people don't....or just don't want to. So I am exploring all this in counseling and hope that in time our marriage will not only survive, but thrive. But if that doesn't happen, at least I will have a better understanding of myself and the knowledge that I gave this the attention it needs when it would be so much easier sometimes to just walk away.

So maybe I will one day be my old self again....but I'd prefer an older, wiser version.