Happy for me, sad for my kids.....getting out of my marriage, getting on with my life.

Monday, September 29, 2008

I never cease to be amazed...

...by the kindness of strangers. You all leave these comments that bring me to tears...happy tears....tears of gratitude...tears of sadness that I even have this $%#@-ing blog. I'd rather be blogging about happy shit....hobbies, children, blah blah blah...anything but the mess my life can be. But it is what it is.

For some reason, ever since February, any kindness anyone shows me just makes me want to blubber. Way back in early February, before I knew anything for sure, I went to my kid's basketball game. A dad of another player is just the cheesiest guy. He is a sterotypical suck-up realtor...he looks just like Flanders on the Simpsons....he's a nut. But when you get to know him, he is just the sweetest man ever. So last February, in the depths of my dispair, I went to a basketball game. It was a tournament game at another school and they had no concession stand. All the parents know that at every game, I immediately hit the concession stand and buy 2 Cow Tails. If you don't know what Cow Tails are, they are these long caramel things, about 8 inches long, with a cream center. Like those Goetz candies but big. I meet the dad in the hallway and he said "Just the person I wanted to see". Pulls 4 Cow Tails out of his coat pocket....2 for me and 2 for him. He'd stopped at 3 gas stations on the way to buy some since he knew there was no concession stand. I wanted to throw my arms around him and sob. I managed to maintain composure but I was so deeply touched. Some day I'll have to tell him how much that meant to me...for him to be so sweet and thoughtful and nice to me when I needed it most.

So....I got sidetracked there a little bit.....but thank you....thank you for being nice to me. Thank you for letting me know you've been there....misery loves company.

One more stab

I am going against every ounce of common sense that I have...whether I even have any is debatable.....but we are going to give another couples counselor a try. We have an appointment this afternoon. I guess the fact that I'm even questioning if I have any common sense must mean I have SOME, right??? Humor me here.

I also have a confession to make. I have been smoking. I've actually been smoking on and off since March or so. Smoked quite a bit in May then mostly stopped, then since August I have been smoking pretty consistently. Not a ton....usually only one or two a day, sometimes as many as five a day. I know it's horrible for me, I hate smelling bad, I'd HATE for my girls to find out....they'd be terribly disappointed. Anyway....I haven't had one since Wednesday of last week. I'm not really DYING for one, though I would like to smoke very much. But I'm not.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Doom & gloom, sadness, anger....blah

I have been dealing with volatile emotions lately. I am angry quite a bit.....I am sad quite a bit more. :( I am angry with him, angry with myself. Why can't I just bite the bullet and do what I need to do? Why do I desperately wish it was possible to stay married to this man (note: I still may wish it was possible but I do know now that it is not)? I can tell you right now why I'm having a hard time taking the plunge.....I just think of the three sets of big, brown, trusting, innocent eyes that will be staring at me, full of pain and confusion. It about KILLS me.

For a while I believed a lot of stupid lies. I wanted to believe them for one, but I also think I just was in such a fragile mental state that facing the truth might have really done me in. But I do look back at some of the stuff I pretended to buy....and I think "wake up and smell the coffee". What a moron I was at times.

I know I'm strong in a lot of ways. I haven't totally fallen off the deep end, even when I felt I might. I haven't done anything too terribly stupid, or needy, or embarrassing, or desperate. But right now....I just feel weak. Knowing what I need to do and feeling paralyzed to actually make a move.....it makes me feel spineless.

Sigh.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

It's been a while....

....since I've blogged. The shittier my life became, the less interested I was in it. I guess that's not really true....my life was way shitter when I started this. Things have not improved in most ways, but my mental state has.

I am at the point now where I know what I need to do...just need to gather the strength to actually do it. It took me a while to get to this. For months I wasn't even strong enough to consider divorce, though I guess deep down I knew it was a strong possibility. I keep thinking I've wasted 6 or 7 months of my life "working things out"...things that weren't going to work out. I can't do it alone. Nor should I. But 6 or 7 months ago, I was in no position to do anything drastic. I was lucky to just be able to get up every day, take care of the house and kids, take care of myself....eat, sleep, get off my ass, do things I needed to do, never mind doing things I enjoyed. But really I haven't wasted this time. It's allowed me to see things clearly, think more rationally, get stronger and try to be happy again. I am seeing glimpses of my old self....the one who was strong and determined and organized and funny and smart and interesting and happy (can you see that I don't normally have any self esteem issues??? :P)

Years ago I worked with a woman I became really good friends with. That was 20 yrs ago and we are still very close. She was married to a total dog. Cheated on her repeatedly. She finally gave up and divorced him. I remember it all well, but I also remember not REALLY understanding her pain. I felt horrible for her...I knew it had to hurt. But I had no idea how bad. All these years later, she's been one of my greatest sources of comfort and support. I love her dearly. I talk to her multiple times a day and don't know what I'd do without her. SHE understands. All of my friends have been supportive and loving and sweet and kind....but this friend really knows.

The counselor I loved is now seeing me alone. I still love him but I'm not sure how much longer he'll want to see me since we were supposed to be seeing him as a couple. He has given me some great advice that I try hard to follow. The one I have a hardest time with is "the best revenge is living well". I need to repeat that to myself over and over and over. It's hard though, because the old saying is true....revenge IS sweet. But that doesn't last and then I think you're left feeling you've sunk as low as the person who hurt you.

I wish I hated my husband. I don't. I still love him, but I don't really LIKE him. I think I need to get out before I do hate him. We have kids to raise together and things would sure be easier if I could at least stand his sorry ass.