2009 has got to be better

Right? I guess 2008 wasn't ALL bad. My kids are healthy, and that's always something to be thankful for. But emotionally....I know I haven't had a worse year than 2008. No way, no how.

Christmas

Mine was actually pretty fabulous....delightful, relaxing, loving, wonderful, lazy. Started out by waking up early (I always have gotten up before the kids....I just need a few minutes at least of peace and quiet before I start my day....ANY day). DH and I were lying in bed talking before we got up.....out of the blue he says "I'm so sorry". I asked why. He said "For hurting you, for what I did, for what I've put you through". I asked why he was apologizing now and he said he was just thinking of how badly he'd hurt me. So he does have his moments where he seems to have some clue. Then he has the random moments where he's a Neanderthal bonehead and I want to kick him right in the ass. :) But at moments like that, on Christmas morning, I'm really glad that I decided to give myself time.

My kids can be the sweetest little things in the entire world. I received a box of handmade goodies from my younger two. All sorts of things....a bracelet made of beads threaded onto a pipe cleaner (FYI - the ends of a pipe cleaner can really hurt). Two scarves made by finger weaving (something they learned in Brownies years ago). A card. A snowflake. A "cat's eye" - which is a popsicle stick cross with yard woven on it. A candy cane and a star made from clay, painted, and sprinkled with glitter. A snow globe made from a baby food jar (with the label barely removed!). They are sweethearts. My oldest doesn't have a ton of money but tries to come up with creative gift ideas. For the younger two, she bought them all kinds of fun candy that they've never had before....Pez, Pop Rocks, Bottle Caps, Gobstoppers, a couple more I can't think of at the moment. They loved everything, and she probably only spent $5 each.

Too bad to stay, too good to leave

That's the title of a book. I haven't yet seen the book. I have spent oodles of money on self-help books and refuse to spend a penny more. And I hate checking stuff like this out at the library...which I know is just stupid.


But the title has me intrigued. It describes my situation pretty accurately, I think. That actually makes things a little more difficult, more complicated, more confusing. I think if things were all bad, or bad most of the time, there'd be much less indecision on my part.

When things are good, things are very good. DH can be very sweet, attentive, caring, and loving. He is physically affectionate. We had a great time together, have similar senses of humor, and just enjoy each other's company. We are good parents, we have wonderful kids.

BUT....and there is always a big but these days.....things can also be very bad. We had an argument over something stupid this week that escalated and just opened my eyes even wider to the fact that he just doesn't get it. At all. He is selfish....and I do think that a good percentage of men are selfish in some way, though some obviously are so selfish that they cause problems, wreak havoc, and are so worried about their own asses that they just are oblivious to how their actions affect others. Either oblivious or when it comes down to it, they just don't care. And there are other things that are bad or make me unhappy. As much as I'd love to forgive and forget, I don't think it's possible. Forgive...maybe. Forget...never. I carry a visual around with me all the time....my husband was intimate with another woman. And I've seen her in person so it's easy to imagine it....it's not some intangible someone out there whose face I can't conjure up. It's a hard thought to get rid of. And if I never can I just don't think I can live this life anymore. I also have a hard time dealing with the lies....the millions (so it seems!) of lies I was told....either flat-out untruths or by omission.

As I get closer to my one-year mark, I think about these things a lot. Some days the pros of being with him far outweigh the cons.....other days, not so much.

Glimpses of my old self

I wouldn't say I'm back to normal by any means. I am still untrusting, still quite sad at times, still unforgiving...I am just changed. But the dynamics of the relationship have changed over the last few months. I am no longer clingy, no longer desperate, no longer depressed and barely functioning, no longer constantly looking over my shoulder. Somewhere in there I just realized that no matter what....I will survive. I can do hard things.

For months and months, I was quite unproductive. Very unlike me. My old self was busy busy busy....constantly working on some project, constantly volunteering, getting together with friends, keeping a clean house, shopping, taking the kids places, tons of cooking. A lot of that came to a screeching halt in February. I did the bare minimum to not live in squalor....I fulfilled my kid obligations but not with the same gusto that I normally would....we had lots of "fend for yourself" dinner nights...I became a recluse and avoided people at all costs.

Lately....I'm seeing more of the old me. I am excited about things. I didn't think I'd want to "do" the holidays at all but I am enjoying them. I am throwing a 16th birthday party for one of my kids and really looking forward to it and loving her excitement. I am redecorating the other two kids' room and can't wait to see their reaction when it's completed. I'm going places alone and not avoiding people anymore.

I kind of feel like if the bottom dropped out on this tomorrow....if I threw him out or he chose to walk out....I would be okay. I'd be sad, and I still have my sad moments now, but I think I've just figured out that I'M not the one who'd be losing out.

I've seen big changes in DH. I guess I should say that I see what SEEM to be big changes. I always have to qualify everything now, you know.

Feeling a little down :(

Nothing's happened (that I know of...when will I quit saying that??), but this is the time last year that everything got started up. I guess this will always make me sad...just like lots of other "anniversaries" associated with this whole mess.

We had another counseling appointment a few days ago. I probably sound like a freak saying this, but I actually rather enjoy our sessions. This guy is interesting. He makes me think...and no matter what the outcome is with my marriage, I'm glad I've seen him.

I mentioned my friend who recently found out that her husband had been unfaithful. What a mess that has turned out to be. She installed a keylogger on their computer and has been able to glean a plethora of information from that. It's actually mind-boggling. I probably sound like a freak saying this too, but her husband makes mine look like a saint. His issues go way way WAY beyond just an extramarital affair.

For the first time in a long time....

....I'm actually excited about a holiday coming up. For the last year I've pretty much just gone through the motions for any big event. I am really looking forward to Thanksgiving. It feels nice to look forward to something.

In 3 months it will be the one-year mark....

....the magical drop dead date I set for myself. If I don't feel much more positive, less paranoid, more hopeful by then, I'm done, finished, gone, moving on. DH doesn't know about this. I never told him, and I don't think he needs to know either. My goal is to make the next 3 months as happy as possible for both of us. I want to enjoy Thanksgiving, I want to enjoy Christmas, we have an anniversary in there, and then the dreaded Valentine's Day is only days before my cut-off date. I will go to counseling, I will try, I will work hard, I will try to appreciate the present.

e.beck will be happy to hear I am not smoking anymore. Though I want to. Bad. But I'm not. Aside from the health aspect of it, it's a stinky (literally) habit and I don't like stinking. And there's not much you can do aside from a shower and hairwashing to get rid of that smell. It's terrible that I'm worried more about stinking than dropping dead from lung cancer.

I have a recurrent nagging thought that could really piss me off if I'd let it. One of DH's complaints has been that he feels a lack of appreciation. I will readily admit that I have rarely expressed my appreciation for all that he does for me and the kids. But since I never hear any appreciation for anything I do for the family, then I guess I just didn't think the expression of gratitude was that important to him. But since I know that's something he needs to hear, I have made it a point to make an effort....ask him about things that are important to him that I couldn't give two shits (or even one shit) about, ask him how things at work are going, thank him when he does something nice for us. The part that's a pisser is this: he has been gone for a month. 4 weeks. I have been alone with the kids the entire time, aside from when I visited him. They were out of school for over a week of that time. I have done everything on my own. (I know...waaa waaaa waaaa....) He has not asked even once how things are going, am I doing okay, NOTHING. Once upon a time, this would not have bothered me. I think it's "my job" and I don't expect gratitude....I am happy where I am and doing what I want to do and I'm okay with it. But if HE feels like the lack of appreciation is an issue for HIM, then why doesn't he think I might like some too? I swear that I might turn lesbian.

Glad I'm not THERE anymore

I got an email from a friend the other day....she is not a close friend, or even a "real life" friend. We met on an AOL message board...we have kids born the same month. Months ago she emailed me and asked if I was okay, she hadn't heard from me much and when she did I didn't seem like myself. So I told her the whole story. She's been very nice. Anyway....emailed me Saturday to tell me that after several months of suspecting something, she confirmed that her husband had been cheating on her. She told me she needed a shoulder to lean on but would understand if it was all too raw for me. I told her no, it was fine....I was glad to help since she'd been so nice to me. But the truth is, it IS kind of tough. Dredges up feelings I'd rather not feel again. But it also helps me to see how far I've come. Even though things are still rather a mess, they are MUCH better than they were, and no matter how our story ends I know I'll be okay. I wasn't sure of that for a while. I wish I wasn't here at all....wish I had never been put in this situation in the first place....but I'm sure glad I'm not in my friend's shoes right now.

Finally grew a set....

....and called the counselor. Got his voicemail, which made me quite happy. That's what avoiding someone is all about, you know...catching the voicemail instead of the actual person. :P I know I didn't HAVE to call him. I could just continue to avoid him and I'm sure I wouldn't hear from him again. But I don't know....I just have a hard time with being a wimp like that.

Anyway....I admitted that I had been avoiding him because I thought he would not approve of what I'm doing....but we had been seeing a new couples counselor, both DH alone and the two of us together, and I'm focusing on that right now. I told him that I am fine, that things are actually going fairly okay at the moment and that if I need him in the future I will call to reschedule.

I know I've been totally overthinking this whole situation....but I do feel better that I did something I've been avoiding for a while.

No "jabs", negative talk, etc.

At our last counseling session, new counselor suggested that I try very hard to refrain from making "jabs" at DH about things he's done and things that have happened. DH had mentioned that he knows he deserves them, but it also makes it hard sometimes for him to look forward to being with me or talking to me because he never knows when I'm going to throw something out there. Counselor asked me to please refrain from doing that, at least while DH is gone....that our conversations and visits should be pleasant for both of us. I agreed that I wouldn't do it, and I can honestly say I haven't made a crappy comment even one time. And an amazing thing has happened....I am happier. I wouldn't call myself blissfully deliriously happy by any stretch, but I think the negative thoughts and comments can become a huge vicious circle...I'm sure I was making myself feel far worse than DH was feeling.

We did have an interesting conversation last night. I have yet to call the old counselor and tell him that we've been seeing yet another therapist together. Yogurtry tells me not to worry about it.....that I don't really owe him an explanation, and that patients move on all the time without letting the counselor know. I just really don't want to have to justify why I am willing to put more time and effort into this because I know the old counselor will not approve. I came home from my weekend away to find a letter from the old counselor. Saying that he hadn't heard from me since I cancelled my appointment on October 13th, that he thinks we had more to work on, and please call him to let him know how I'm doing and to reschedule if I wish. I told DH about the letter. He suggested that I go see the old counselor and just feel him out on what he'd think of us getting into more couples counseling. I told DH that I already know what he thinks....he thinks DH is not remorseful, thinks I can never trust him again, and in the two sessions I've had with him alone, what he's mostly talked about is how I will function after divorcing. DH was stunned....and I was stunned that he was stunned. How could he be stunned? DH acted kind of hurt (which in turn really pissed me off) that I talked to him about getting divorced. I told DH that I told the counselor I wanted a divorce the same day I told DH that.....and that every time I mention anything about wanting it to work out, possibly changing my mind, ANYTHING (an example is when I went to see our priest) the counselor says the same thing....and I say the same thing, that I really would love for things to work out somehow, some way. Yogurtry also told me that the letter the counselor sent me is fairly routine and still, if I want to just blow him off I can. But I hate feeling like a wuss and not owning up to my choices. So I'm going to call him tomorrow. I plan to leave a message and tell him that I have decided to explore more couples counseling right now and I want to just focus on that for a while, things are going fairly well at the moment, and I will call him if I need him in the future. I actually think that if things DON'T work out, I'd rather see the new counselor anyway. I like the old one but like the new one more.

Very nice weekend

Went to visit DH for the weekend. After the way I'd felt last week, I was kind of regretting making the plans to go. In fact sitting at the airport I had the urge to either not get on the plane or just not join DH when I got to my destination. I was overcome with dread but went ahead with my plans. I ended up being very pleasantly surprised. We didn't end up doing anything special....no touristy stuff or anything. Just hung out, relaxed, talked, walked, ate. It was nice. I left much happier than I was when I arrived.

I'm feeling a lot better

I think the weekend was just kind of hard....much different than the normal routine. That just takes some getting used to. I've been a lot better the last couple days.

My attorney (he's not really *my* attorney....I haven't retained him, just had a consultation) had originally told me NOT to get a job. He said that my income has been zero all these years and I should keep it that way. But I just don't know. If the marriage ends, I'd like to be able to buy a house. Can't do that with no income. I don't want to rent because 1) it's throwing money away essentially and 2) (and this might sound stupid to some people) I'd hate to not be able to keep my pets...that would be absolutely devestating to both me and the kids. I'm going to call the attorney and run this past him, but I think I'm going to work on my resume then try to find something part-time...hopefully after the holidays. I would likely need something full-time later but I think working part-time now would make the transition easier when that time comes. Plus it's always easier to get a job when you have a job. Any resume tips on making the most of my time away from the workforce would be appreciated.

Still sad :(

I am still sad. Just plain old sad. I hate it. I feel myself slipping back into old ways and I desperately don't want to. So working on that.

I have said repeatedly from the beginning of all this "time will tell". And it will. Anything that needs to be known will come out somehow, sometime.

I just need to find peace. At times I've had it, at times I lose sight of it. I guess I need to realize that here, there, wherever....if he wants to be true and honest and right and good, he can. Location makes no diference.

One thing that I'm doing that's something I did in the early days of this fiasco is I look forward to going to bed. When evening rolls around, I can barely wait until I can climb into bed, close my eyes, and forget the world for a while...like for 7 or 8 hours. Last night kid #1 was out and I didn't want to go to sleep until she got home, but I got into bed with a book at 9:30. Of course when she came home at 11 I was passed out with a book on my chest. :) Right now it's almost 6:30 and I'm wondering if it's too early to put my pajamas on. I guess getting some beauty sleep is more productive than torturing myself with some of the thoughts in my head.

I am sad

Nothing in particular has happened to make me sad....but I am sad. I feel sad and tired and scared and confused. DH can tell too....called today to check on me. Dr E told us not to talk about "it" while he's out of town. That made DH mighty happy. On the one hand, I think after what he's done to me, I am entitled to talk about whatever the hell I want. But on the other hand, it really doesn't help anything. It's good practice for me in keeping my mouth shut...something that could always use a little work.

I find myself slipping back into old thought patterns. It's stuff I don't want to revisit. Triggers and images and nagging thoughts. I don't need them. But it all comes back to one thing: he's lied to me so many times, why should I believe him now? I guess this is what I'm talking about when I say at the one-year point if I feel like this I'm done.

I feel like I miss DH but I'm not sure if I do. I think I may be confusing sadness with missing him. I guess I'll be able to tell if I really missed him or not by how I feel when I see him again.

Quote and other stuff

"When people show you who they are, believe them the first time." I had mentioned this quote a couple posts ago , received a comment on it, and thought it was worth further discussion. I think this quote can be interpreted in different ways. To ME, and my situation, I think it likely means that DH has shown me what he's capable of, shown me the kind of person he is, and I need to realize that it's true.....he's shown me who he is and I need to deal with it. But I do think it can also be untrue. There are a lot of times people choose actions that don't really "show who they are". Instead they are showing a lapse in judgment, a period of weakness, a problem that could be resolved. Everyone makes mistakes, and I guess it's how they deal with the aftermath that's important.

I have been a major wuss about something. DH and I had been seeing Dr. S together. After a major, MAJOR setback, I wouldn't let DH go anymore and had been seeing him alone. I told Dr S that I was divorcing, though I didn't want to, and he has kind of run with that.....pretty much all we discuss is how I will deal with being a single mom. He said that DH really needed to be in therapy on his own and that I needed to encourage that. So I asked DH if he would see Dr E, who was recommended by our priest. DH said yes....we saw Dr E together first, then DH saw him on his own twice, then we saw him together again and are seeing him again in a month when DH comes back. Dr E told me at our first appointment that it was fine for me to see one therapist on my own and to see another with DH, but that I'd need to tell Dr. S what I was doing. I had an appointment the following week that I needed to reschedule, so I called Dr S and left a message....said I needed to reschedule that appointment and also discuss something with him. He called back that day and left a message. I have not called him back. I just know he won't approve. He has said that he doesn't think DH is very remorseful, that I won't ever be able to trust him, and that I need to figure out how I'm going to live on my own and how I'm going to get my girls through this with as little pain and suffering as possible. And obviously it's highly likely that he's totally correct about those things. So I haven't called him back because I just don't want to hear his disapproval. I keep telling myself that I'm an adult and am free to make my own choices....good, bad, or indifferent. I just need to put on my big girl panties and pick up the phone. But I don't want to.

Dr E did mention something interesting at our last appointment. I can't really remember what I said that led up to this comment, but he said "you also just want to know if he's a pathological liar, and I plan to do some psychological testing". I am intrigued and can't wait to find out more about that.

I miss him

I wish I didn't....but I do. I wish I hated him, but I don't. I wish I trusted him, but I don't. I wish I was using this time apart constructively, but I'm not (I will cut myself some slack on that since it's only been two days). I wish I was writing about something more interesting, but I'm not.

Whine whine whine. :)

Odd....interesting...wow...and other stuff

Slept alone last night for the first time since all this mess started (except for one night last month that he was out of town). Since February I have not slept well. I sleep, and I don't have long periods of lying there awake, but I do wake up frequently during the night. I would say I wake up maybe 10 times. Last night.....cracked window to let in nice cool air (LOVE sleeping like that), sprawled out in the middle of the bed, put head on pillow....and passed out. I could get used to this. :) But why did it happen? I wasn't THAT tired, and I'd had lots of caffeine yesterday....too much in fact. Is having him here that stressful to me and I just don't realize it? Is NOT having him here what will give me peace? I have 3 1/2 more weeks to figure that out.

We sit down and eat dinner as a family just about every night. That's always been very important to me and I try to make healthy and yummy meals. Sometimes one person is missing (most often daughter #1 if anyone - she is busy with sports and clubs and whatnot). Usually when DH is out of town, I don't really cook. I feed the girls obviously but I don't really make meals like I do on a normal night. Lots of waffles/yogurt/fruit/cereal or oatmeal, soup/grilled cheese, etc. But since he's going to be gone for a month I obviously can't go the whole time without cooking. I decided to treat this month as a "dry run".....to see how life with just me and my girls would be if that's how it was all the time. Clearly I wouldn't just stop cooking because I had no husband at home. If I really wanted to envision my possible new life, I'd get myself ready and dressed up and pretend I had to rush out the door every morning at 7:30 to get to work....but I think I might not take it that far. :)

Despite my night of blissful, restful sleep, I am in a funk today. I'm thinking things I don't want to think. Thinking things that used to consume me that I've tried hard to move away from. Wondering "why wouldn't he??" about having contact with this stupid, useless, ugly woman instead of assuming there isn't any. Dr E (new counselor) suggested last week that I just not bring up any issues while he's gone....save the comments for later, write them down if I need to, and talk about them at our next session (in 4 weeks) if I want to. It's hard....even though I really don't bring up much anymore anyway....and that's when I turn to my blog or my friends. My poor friends. :)

I saw a divorce attorney in August. He gave me loads of forms to fill out to file for divorce. I gave the whole envelope to my neighbor for safekeeping. I am planning to get it back while he's gone so I can start working on it and have it ready when/if I need it. I don't know that he looks through my stuff but I don't have an office or my own car to keep things in since I drive the family vehicle. I sometimes think I'd love to get into his office and see what he has hidden there. A few weeks ago he drove my car to work.....gas has been quite a bit cheaper up that way and he was going to fill it up. Before he left, I went out to the car to get a bag I had in there....with some books, copies of articles, magazine and newspaper clippings, my journal in it....all kinds of things related to this mess. He saw me get it and later sent an email asking what I had hidden in that bag. I didn't tell him....I just turned it around and asked what he keeps hidden that he doesn't want me to see. And of course I got no answer. I have another friend who is keeping a stash of cash for me. I "make a deposit" every now and then. I started my little nest egg with money I had found in his car....money he was using to finance his affair. I took it and I didn't give it back. He never asked for it either. I've wondered if he's ever looked for it....which is why I gave it to my friend. It's funny the way your mind works when you're trying to hide something. The most obscure hiding spots suddenly seem obvious. My personal choice was in one of several sunglasses pouches I had stuck in a dresser drawer. Then I start thinking of all HE hides/hid, and wonder how in the world he can function like that? Why would he want to?

I was wrong

I cried when I left. Hard. Then continued to cry a little (discreetly, I hope) on two flights. He sniffled. I was greeted by three girls who were very happy to see me. Four girls if you count the dog. :)

I read a couple magazines today. One was an Oprah magazine that my mom had given me. I am not a big Oprah fan and I normally either don't read the magazine or just flip through it. Today, since I had oodles of time on my hands, I read it cover to cover. On the back page she has a monthly column called "what I know for sure". This month she had her all-time top 20 things she knows for sure. A few jumped out at me:

• When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.
• If you make a choice that goes against what everyone else thinks, the world will not fall apart.
• Trust your instincts. Intuition doesn't lie.
• Love doesn't hurt. It feels really good.
• Doubt means don't. Don't move. Don't answer. Don't rush forward.

Also read a quote in a Glamour that seemed like it was directed at me: Worry about the fear later. Just do what you need to do now.

A big problem I have now is trusting my instincts. So many times over the past few months, I have been pretty sure nothing's amiss and I have been wrong....when I've done a little investigating I have found out that a lot is amiss. I just feel like my instincts have failed me. Though I guess not....or I wouldn't have started digging if I REALLY felt like everything was fine.

Getting ready to go to bed....it's weird knowing I will be here with just the girls for an entire month.

Miscellaneous musings

I have become quite the cyber-sleuth. I've managed to find quite a bit of information...some useless, some pretty handy, and some that just feeds this beast that is my curiosity. I have a few readers who I don't know who've come across my blog and left comments. I wonder if I have more readers who don't comment....then I wonder if I have readers I DO know who wouldn't dare comment? Though I would have to say that I imagine most people are not as tenacious as I am at digging up clues. What does that say about me?? :)

It's amazing how things have changed since February. I was a mess for a long time....literally a mess. It wouldn't have taken much to push me over the edge. When there wasn't a crisis going on, I was in constant vigilant mode....checking, snooping, questioning, worrying, hypothesizing, rationalizing. And if I waited around long enough, I could be sure another crisis would come up. DH never managed to disappoint when it came to that. I managed to convince myself that many things were true or not true, depending on what I wanted the answers to be. I have only threatened divorce once....in August. It had been discussed, but I had never threatened it before because I wasn't sure I'd do it. Now I'm sure I'd do it. I am no longer desperate. I am just hanging out until I make my decision. I wouldn't call DH desperate either but he knows I mean it, that I will leave him. I used to try hard to fill silences....to keep up the banter, act interested, keep him engaged. Now....if I have something to say, I'll say it, but I also spend a lot of time thinking, reading, just taking it all in, watching the world go by. I don't feel responsible for keeping things going.

Tomorrow DH and I will start a month-long separation. Not by choice....he'll be attending a school for work for 4 weeks. I drove out with him and am flying home tomorrow alone. I will spend a month without him, a month with myself, a month with my girls. As much as I shouldn't, I'm sure I'll miss him. But I'm also looking forward to the time by myself. In the earlier months of this ordeal, I'd have been telling him how much I'd miss him, I'd have been clinging, fretting, crying, worrying, professing my love for him....wondering what he'd do without me breathing down his neck. Back in February or March, I didn't even want him alone in the house....and I know that sounds crazy because he has plenty of time alone en route to & from work, during the day when he's supposed to be at work, etc. I guess in my head, I thought that stopping him from doing something was the next best thing to him not wanting to do it in the first place. Now, I don't worry about those things so much. He's a big boy with the capability of making good choices if he wants to. And if he doesn't want to then I won't want to be with him. I've become much more standoffish. I have never gone back on my threat of divorce. I am still here....but I have never said I changed my mind either. I have said I am willing to explore a little longer, a little deeper. After spending 4 days alone with DH, travelling and exploring a new city, I am seeing a man I'm not used to seeing.....I'm seeing long, sad looks when he thinks I don't see him; getting long, hard, almost clingy hugs; I am hearing how much I'll be missed, how good I feel, how none of this will be nearly as much fun without me, how much he loves me. I am expecting tears at the airport tomorrow...amazingly not from me. I'll be sad to leave him too.....but now I walk away not caring nearly as much what he does when out of my sight. I can't control it and I try not to waste my time worrying about it either.

With this new counselor, I almost feel like he reads my mind sometimes. Somehow, back in February I made a smart decision....how I was capable of that I don't know. I decided to make no rash decisions, to give myself time...I felt that I deserved that, my kids deserved that, and despite what DH had done to me, he deserved it too. I decided I'd give myself a year.....that when February rolled around again, if I felt unhappy most of the time or I felt that we had made little progress or that DH wasn't really sorry or didn't care or just wanted to me to shut up about it, or if I found myself still wondering if anything is going on all the time....that I'd be finished. That I'd feel I'd done all I can do and I'd move on. Last week he said his goal is to get us to January or February and hopefully we'll be able to find ourselves in a much better place. I wanted to speak up and say "that's good....because if we're not I'm outta here!".

So tomorrow I get started on my month alone. I am really wondering which of the two of us will have a harder time with it.

Counseling

We have left a trail of counselors behind us.....strewn and discarded and ditched. DH saw one alone, we saw one together, we saw another together....2nd one we saw together I am now seeing alone. 2nd guy thinks DH really needs to be in therapy badly...so I asked DH to try new guy, 3rd guy, together figuring that's better than nothing. And why do I care if he has therapy or not, you may ask? Well....because I WOULD like to stay together if it is humanly possible (I realize it probably isn't), and even if we don't I'd like him to be a good father to our children and maybe figuring out why he is hell-bent on destruction would help with that. First appointment was last Monday. Could not have gone better if I'd planned it myself. DH was late (unavoidably detained at work), so I was alone for about 30 minutes. DH showed up. Talked for a while then new guy asked if he wanted to come alone, wanted me to come, did I want to come.... both of us said it's up to him, whatever he thinks is best. He said DH should come alone (which he did on Wed and will go again on Tue) and maybe I'd be brought back in at some point. New guy is very interesting....too much to go into to explain it here, but he is most definitely approaching this from a different angle than the other two counselors we've seen together. He also said that if we end up splitting, which is right now where he kind of sees this heading (gotta appreciate honesty), he'd like to bring us in together a few times to talk about how we can make the divorce as easy as possible on the kids. He talked about the kids A LOT. Told DH that there's very little more heartbreaking for a father than being rejected by a daughter....and he told DH to be assured that the girls will figure it all out.

I never cease to be amazed...

...by the kindness of strangers. You all leave these comments that bring me to tears...happy tears....tears of gratitude...tears of sadness that I even have this $%#@-ing blog. I'd rather be blogging about happy shit....hobbies, children, blah blah blah...anything but the mess my life can be. But it is what it is.

For some reason, ever since February, any kindness anyone shows me just makes me want to blubber. Way back in early February, before I knew anything for sure, I went to my kid's basketball game. A dad of another player is just the cheesiest guy. He is a sterotypical suck-up realtor...he looks just like Flanders on the Simpsons....he's a nut. But when you get to know him, he is just the sweetest man ever. So last February, in the depths of my dispair, I went to a basketball game. It was a tournament game at another school and they had no concession stand. All the parents know that at every game, I immediately hit the concession stand and buy 2 Cow Tails. If you don't know what Cow Tails are, they are these long caramel things, about 8 inches long, with a cream center. Like those Goetz candies but big. I meet the dad in the hallway and he said "Just the person I wanted to see". Pulls 4 Cow Tails out of his coat pocket....2 for me and 2 for him. He'd stopped at 3 gas stations on the way to buy some since he knew there was no concession stand. I wanted to throw my arms around him and sob. I managed to maintain composure but I was so deeply touched. Some day I'll have to tell him how much that meant to me...for him to be so sweet and thoughtful and nice to me when I needed it most.

So....I got sidetracked there a little bit.....but thank you....thank you for being nice to me. Thank you for letting me know you've been there....misery loves company.

One more stab

I am going against every ounce of common sense that I have...whether I even have any is debatable.....but we are going to give another couples counselor a try. We have an appointment this afternoon. I guess the fact that I'm even questioning if I have any common sense must mean I have SOME, right??? Humor me here.

I also have a confession to make. I have been smoking. I've actually been smoking on and off since March or so. Smoked quite a bit in May then mostly stopped, then since August I have been smoking pretty consistently. Not a ton....usually only one or two a day, sometimes as many as five a day. I know it's horrible for me, I hate smelling bad, I'd HATE for my girls to find out....they'd be terribly disappointed. Anyway....I haven't had one since Wednesday of last week. I'm not really DYING for one, though I would like to smoke very much. But I'm not.

Doom & gloom, sadness, anger....blah

I have been dealing with volatile emotions lately. I am angry quite a bit.....I am sad quite a bit more. :( I am angry with him, angry with myself. Why can't I just bite the bullet and do what I need to do? Why do I desperately wish it was possible to stay married to this man (note: I still may wish it was possible but I do know now that it is not)? I can tell you right now why I'm having a hard time taking the plunge.....I just think of the three sets of big, brown, trusting, innocent eyes that will be staring at me, full of pain and confusion. It about KILLS me.

For a while I believed a lot of stupid lies. I wanted to believe them for one, but I also think I just was in such a fragile mental state that facing the truth might have really done me in. But I do look back at some of the stuff I pretended to buy....and I think "wake up and smell the coffee". What a moron I was at times.

I know I'm strong in a lot of ways. I haven't totally fallen off the deep end, even when I felt I might. I haven't done anything too terribly stupid, or needy, or embarrassing, or desperate. But right now....I just feel weak. Knowing what I need to do and feeling paralyzed to actually make a move.....it makes me feel spineless.

Sigh.

It's been a while....

....since I've blogged. The shittier my life became, the less interested I was in it. I guess that's not really true....my life was way shitter when I started this. Things have not improved in most ways, but my mental state has.

I am at the point now where I know what I need to do...just need to gather the strength to actually do it. It took me a while to get to this. For months I wasn't even strong enough to consider divorce, though I guess deep down I knew it was a strong possibility. I keep thinking I've wasted 6 or 7 months of my life "working things out"...things that weren't going to work out. I can't do it alone. Nor should I. But 6 or 7 months ago, I was in no position to do anything drastic. I was lucky to just be able to get up every day, take care of the house and kids, take care of myself....eat, sleep, get off my ass, do things I needed to do, never mind doing things I enjoyed. But really I haven't wasted this time. It's allowed me to see things clearly, think more rationally, get stronger and try to be happy again. I am seeing glimpses of my old self....the one who was strong and determined and organized and funny and smart and interesting and happy (can you see that I don't normally have any self esteem issues??? :P)

Years ago I worked with a woman I became really good friends with. That was 20 yrs ago and we are still very close. She was married to a total dog. Cheated on her repeatedly. She finally gave up and divorced him. I remember it all well, but I also remember not REALLY understanding her pain. I felt horrible for her...I knew it had to hurt. But I had no idea how bad. All these years later, she's been one of my greatest sources of comfort and support. I love her dearly. I talk to her multiple times a day and don't know what I'd do without her. SHE understands. All of my friends have been supportive and loving and sweet and kind....but this friend really knows.

The counselor I loved is now seeing me alone. I still love him but I'm not sure how much longer he'll want to see me since we were supposed to be seeing him as a couple. He has given me some great advice that I try hard to follow. The one I have a hardest time with is "the best revenge is living well". I need to repeat that to myself over and over and over. It's hard though, because the old saying is true....revenge IS sweet. But that doesn't last and then I think you're left feeling you've sunk as low as the person who hurt you.

I wish I hated my husband. I don't. I still love him, but I don't really LIKE him. I think I need to get out before I do hate him. We have kids to raise together and things would sure be easier if I could at least stand his sorry ass.

Still plugging along

I don't really have much to say....don't really feel like blogging....but I am still making it day by day. Still not sure where this journey will take me, but I'll know when I get there.

I LOVE our new counselor. LOVE LOVE LOVE him. I can't say enough how much I love him. Did I mention that I love him? :) No beating around the bush, no long stories about other people we don't give a shit about, no brushing things under the rug, no ignoring things that need to be addressed. He is to the point. He is working very hard to help DH understand how badly he's damaged things, and how hard he needs to work to "fix" them if he wants to.

One day at a time....

...this is how I live my life these days. I take it one day at a time. Most days are decent. Most days I actually feel pretty happy. The lows are less low and take me less time to recover.

I like our new therapist. He doesn't seem to be afraid to say things that need to be said. And heard. For both of us. He asks pertinent questions. The old one used to fixate on DH's resentment on a myriad of issues, some of which I think are really stupid....but they are his feelings and he is entitled to them no matter what my opinion is. New guy tells him that he needs his own therapist to help him deal with it.

I was reading some posts the other day on a message board I go to. Someone asked the question "what's the worst thing that's ever happened to you?" I would have to say this whole ordeal is my worst thing. But some of the other responses were heartbreaking....my grief and pain and sadness pales in comparison. I guess no matter what, things can always be worse.

New therapist today - so kinda looking forward to it, kinda not

We have an appointment this afternoon with our new therapist. I have talked to him on the phone twice. He seems very nice...has a sweet, soothing voice. I know that doesn't mean anything, but at least just talking to him didn't fill me with dread. DH is on-board.....I told him I'd be happy to go alone and would rather have it that way if he is not going to be open and honest. So we'll see. Wish me luck.

Started my class yesterday with a bang....I've finished half of the assignments for the week and am getting ready to take a quiz. She puts out the assignments for the entire quarter, so I can work ahead if I want. Just have to do each week's assignments/quizzes by Saturday. This online class business is kinda fun.

Still plugging along....

....I will not go into details....in no mood to.....but there've been lots of ups and downs. Very unsure of where things are going. I am taking it one day at a time.

New developments I DO want to talk about: 1) we are seeing a new therapist starting on Tuesday. We got dumped/were about to fire our old one. I went for a male perspective this time. Actually, I had planned to go alone after DH and I had a conversation where he accused me of "forcing" him to go to counseling. So my attitude was "fine...don't go". Last week he called and asked me where we stood with counseling. I said I was looking for someone (didn't mention that it was for me) and he said good, he thinks we still need it, what did I think? 2) I am starting a class at the community college. The whole job search was overwhelming for me. I feel terribly unqualified for anything. So I'm taking an intro to Excel, Microsoft Word, and Powerpoint. It's an online class....I won't even need to go to the campus for anything. I would like to take the next class when I'm done with this one. I'm actually looking forward to getting started tomorrow morning! Hopefully when I'm done I'll able to call myself proficient, at least in those 3 things! :)

My 4 readers will be disappointed....

...but I don't think I'll be updating my blog for a while. My life has become too pathetic, too sad, too hopeless to bother. I'd feel stupid even putting most of it in writing. :(

All is (mostly) well again

I find it so frustrating that my moods & feelings can turn on a dime. I can be pretty fine, as fine as I can be anyway, and then suddenly I have all these negative thoughts and suspicions and assumptions that weren't there the day before.

But on the bright side, I can switch from feeling down to back up again in the same way....which is what happened last week. By the time we went for our massages Fri evening, rational me had realized that we've been for massages twice together since he went back In Feb....and I hadn't even known about that then. Why should I let knowledge of something that was no surprise ruin this for me? So I didn't. We went....it was nice and relaxing and fun. Though later DH said he looked over at me one time while I was laying on my back and he saw a tear in the corner of my eye.

We had a nice weekend. We haven't had a bad one in weeks now. Both of us are much more relaxed now....but mostly I have changed and that has helped things tremendously. For a while I was on a constant search for information.....to confirm that something WAS still going on, to RULE OUT that anything was going on.....I was driving both of us nuts. Now my feeling is that if something WAS going on, I will know....the truth will come out at some point. I've just quit looking for trouble, because when you look hard enough you can make anything mean something.

This Fri we see Dr O and I get to tell her I've changed my mind. I will screw up her plans for the whole session I'm sure. But I think she'll be happy. I do think I would have done better w/all the information I wanted from him if he'd been forthcoming with it when I asked in the first place. I think now....I'm past that phase and to find out some of this stuff now IS much more harmful than helpful.

I am sad

It's amazing what one bad thing, one upsetting piece of data, can do to my mental state. I had been feeling pretty up, and really I do feel good most days. But yesterday threw me for a loop. And there's really no reason. Nothing NEW happened. It was not a surprise. It's not like I didn't basically already know this information. Why did I get so upset?

After we went to bed last night, I told DH that he is right, Dr O is right....the details are more hurtful than helpful and cause me to fixate on the wrong things. He said he doesn't necessarily consider himself to be "right"...he is just going by what two professionals advised him to do, and by how I've reacted previously to receiving any details. I cried so hard last night. I just hurt. It's the only way to describe it...just plain old pain.

So today I'm dealing w/the after-effects of yesterday. Just general sadness, doom and gloom, mopiness. The what-ifs are rearing their ugly heads as well. But I am determined to deal w/what I know, the facts I have....and I really just have no evidence of anything at all. The thought just crosses my mind every now and then (at least way less often than it used to)....why would they NOT be involved still? Obviously it is something they are both capable of.

I did explain a lot of this to Dr. O yesterday....that I have quit (not totally obviously!) torturing myself with the what-ifs and am working on dealing only with the cards I have in front of me. I have also quit trying to stop anything from happening....not that I've had that opportunity in a long time. But used to, particulary w/the Blackberry, I'd be all over him, hanging over his shoulder, watching his every move, figuring I'd be able to head off him sending any emails. Now I think why? Why do that? I can't stop anyone from doing anything, plus I'm not with him 24 hours a day....I can't control over 12 hours a day while he's gone from home durng the week, so why did I think controlling the few hours in the evenings and then weekends was doing any good? My philosophy now is that if there is any truth to come out, it will. At some point, it will.

I can be such a mess sometimes.

Got one of my questions answered in a roundabout way....

...a little backstory: we had our counseling appointment today. Dr. O never read the article, which kind of bugged me, but we did discuss it some. She still is adamant that I don't need to know the details....that they will cause obsession. DH is adamant that I don't need the details (he is probably adamant for various reasons, but one is that he thinks it will cause obsession). I was adamant that I deserved the details if I wanted them. It was not a bad scene but definitely not one of the most pleasant experiences I've had. She asked us to please not discuss this any further until our next appointment, at which point we'd see what kind of compromise we could come to. I did tell DH later that I don't think there's a right or wrong answer to this. Some people need to know details. Some people would rather be in the dark. He obviously doesn't want to share anything that will make him look worse than he already does, or make either of us FEEL worse than we already do.

So this afternoon, I made us massage appointments for Friday. Someone recently gave us gift certificates and we're going to use them. We emailed back and forth about them a little. We have been going to another place for massages and I asked DH if that was the only place he'd ever been. He said no, that to answer one of my questions, that was a gift she gave him for Valentine's Day - a massage. I wrote him back with a couple related questions, which he found annoying and he pointed out that this is exactly what Dr. O was talking about. I wrote him back and said if he'd answered all these questions ages ago when I'd first asked them, they'd be a thing of the past now. I also told him that although finding that out hurt a lot worse than I thought it would, I appreciated his honesty. He wrote back that he was pissed off. I told him that I'm not (though it does piss me off some if I were being totally honest - which I'm not obviously)....because if I ask him a question and he gives me an honest answer, it really is unfair to get angry at him. I'm not really mad at HIM...just over the whole damn situation. Kinda puts a damper on my massage Friday. :( But I'm not going to let this ruin it for me. I didn't ask if she went with him. Or what he did the rest of the day (that was one of the days he took off work and I didn't know what he did - the other day they went to the movies).

So now I am rethinking my need to know philosophy. I think I may still want to know all the things I think I want to know, but I am going to sit on it all week. We won't discuss it again. I may decide they're right. I did tell DH that I think what I want is for him to be WILLING to tell me what I want to know. I think if he said "I'll tell you whatever you want", I may very well decide I want to know nothing.

Article on needing to know the details

I hope this link works....this is the article that has had me thinking that I do deserve to be told the details if I want them (I always thought I "deserved" it but thought maybe I ought to just let it go).

http://www.infidelity.com/index.cfm/event/article/class/Trouble-Suspicion/articleId/439.html

I am not real sure about Peggy Vaughan. I haven't seen her book but have read a little about her on a few websites. I kind of skimmed over the part about the Oprah show. The two bits of the article that I identified with the most were the analogies and the door/window and the puzzle with missing pieces.

I feel like if I could express myself better, I could have written the same article about my own feelings!

Questions, lies, details

I have been thinking a lot about the details of DH's affair. Not the sex so much (though I do have a couple fairly vague questions about that)....just other things I really want to know. Like did he ever go to her house, what gifts did she give him and does he still have them, had her husband suspected and confronted her or was he totally in the dark, when was the first time they ever got together outside the gym (that's where they met) and where did they go. Nothing earth-shattering....just little questions that roll around in my brain.....things that if I knew what really happened, I'd probably quit thinking of them.

DH has answered a lot of questions. He has been very truthful about many things. He never denied he was having an affair (though he may have if I'd confronted him with no proof). He told me many details. There are some questions he just wouldn't answer. They were no worse than some of the questions he HAD answered....I think he just felt like I didn't need to know or that the answers were irrelevant.

This is a subject I've been thinking about a lot lately. I came across an article on an infidelity website about the need to know the details, and so much of it hit home with me. It said that withholding the details continues to keep the betrayed spouse on the outside.....and allows the betrayer to keep secrets with the OP (other person - I prefer to call her CWBS, which stands for something not real nice :P). I think that has been what's really bothered me the most all along about the things he won't tell me....he should not be allowed the comfort of not having to tell me. If I want to know so I can feel that I'm inside again, then he needs to tell me.

DH's counselor said not to tell me the details. I wasn't there when it was discussed obviously, but I THINK that his reasoning was it would just hurt me further and serve no purpose. OUR counselor said I didn't need the details either, but her reasoning was I could ask a million questions and still have a million more....I think she felt it would just feed on itself and I would obsess more and more....because for a while I was certainly prone to obsessing.

But now....3 months into this mess.....which isn't so messy anymore now that I think about it....I DO still have questions. And I don't have a million questions either....probably a dozen. Last Wednesday at our appointment, I gave our counselor a copy of the article that really got me thinking about this again. It explained my feelings so well that I really think I could have written it myself.

In anticipation of her MAYBE suggesting that DH should answer some of my questions, I have made a list of things I want to know. I go back occasionally and purge things or add things. Having it there in black and white in front of me makes me really think: does this matter to me anymore? Do I really want to know this? What if the answer is "bad"...maybe some of these are questions I should put away for later.

I've also been reading a good book called "Tell Me No Lies", obviously about lying but it deals w/lying and honesty in relationships. Our counselor recommended it and frankly I've hated just about every book she's suggested but this one is pretty good. I am often what the authors call a "lie invitee". A lie invitee encourages her partner to lie by her reaction to the truth.....she uses negative body language, angry outbursts, crying, and other undesirable behaviors in reaction to a truth she doesn't like. I think that is a natural thing to do when something upsets you, but it does not invite the other person to be honest with you in the future. So I have to really work on my reactions if I'd like answers to some of these questions.

I am a such a work in progress.

Counseling woes

I don't know why I post this stuff....I only have 2 readers. I could just email the 2 of you. But this is more fun.

On Wednesday, we had our first counseling session that didn't seem like it was productive. She has us do this communication thing where one of us is the intiator and the other is the inquisitor. It is actually very effective and while we may not use that exact method, we are doing better with communicating. So Wednesday was DH's turn to initiate, and he said he didn't really have anything to discuss. She pressured him to come up with something and he did eventually pull some stuff out of his ass. I won't go into the whole thing (it's not that interesting), but at one point he said he does certain things to be mean to me on purpose. Out of everything he said that day, that was the one thing that stood out. I went home and cried a little....it just made me so sad. That night we talked and I asked him why in the world, after all we've been through, would he TRY to be mean to me? The question seemed to catch him off guard, and the next afternoon he sent an email apologizing. Said he had no idea that bothered me, that that wasn't really what he meant, he misspoke (he sounds like Hilary!). What he had been talking about was that he feels I am testing him a lot, so sometimes he tests ME to see what I would do in a situation....and that that could be construed as being mean because I am not the one who has done anything to deserve being tested. I am not entirely sure that I get his point but I do appreciate that he spent the whole next day thinking about how much he'd hurt my feelings and was compelled to apologize.

He did point out something that I'd kind of noticed but had never said anything about. The counselor seems to try to defend him a lot. DH says he knows he did something wrong and doesn't need or deserve someone on his side. An example from Wednesday is DH was talking about how now that he doesn't use his Blackberry hardly at all (I think he mostly uses it during the day to catch up on email while sitting in the many meetings he goes to) that he often feels behind at work. He doesn't like to go in on the weekends because he hates making the drive, so he hardly ever does that. I mentioned that he'd have more time at work if he didn't go to the gym in the mornings AND the evenings. She immediately said "oh, no....you don't want to take that away from him". I had suggested nothing remotely like that. I was stating a fact: he doesn't get to work early or stay late because he goes to the gym. Period. DH knew what I meant. I wasn't passing any kind of judgment on working out twice a day (though I do think it's ridiculous).

I told DH that we need to bring these things up with her. We are paying her. If she's doing things we don't find beneficial, then we need to tell her. So we'll have to think on that.

Support

DH and I have been seeing a counselor together for a couple months now. I think we are getting a lot out of it. We have an appointment tomorrow after several weeks off because she was out of town. I am actually looking forward to it, oddly. I will be happy to report that we've really had a pretty smooth three weeks, with only one bad blip.

I have thought for a while that I need to someone on my own though. I have all these thoughts and images in my head that I really want to just go away. I realize that they may never go away. But I can learn to deal with them better, handle them in a way that isn't so paralyzing. When I have bad days, I can sit and think and have myself so worked up and upset that I'm crying and agonizing. I just feel like I want to move beyond that.

So over the weekend I had been searching online for some infidelity resources. I came across one that I am very interested in. It is called BAN - Beyond Affairs Network. It was founded by a Canadian woman. She has a book called (something like) "My Husband's Affair Was the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me". I may never agree with THAT statement as it pertains to my own life, but the book looks very interesting. I ordered a copy and it should arrive tomorrow. I also contacted the closest BAN chapter and think I will attend a meeting next week. The whole organization just seems positive....not positive that everyone can save their marriage, but positive that this is something you can live through and grow from. So I'm planning to check it out.

ANOTHER good weekend! :)

I think this is 4 in a row. Amazing.

Though for some reason, I was on edge. I felt jumpy all weekend, and actually felt like I was having some anxiety symptoms (very tight chest, unable to catch my breath). It's probably because I did a little snooping...didn't turn up anything, but then my mind starts to race: what if THIS means something, what if THAT means something? What if, what if, what if.....I DO need to strike that from my vocabulary. I will work on that.

Mondays tend to be bad. I am alone after spending a lot of time with DH over the weekend and after having the kids around. I have too much time to putter and think and feel sorry for myself. I'm going to work on making today the best Monday I've had in months.

Even though I'm dealing with edginess and facing down a bad Monday, it is amazing how far we've come.

What if I'm being stupid?

No matter how well things are going, this is a thought I always have not far from the front of my mind....what if I'm being stupid? What if all kinds of things are going on behind my back and I'm just being a complete idiot and not seeing them, not figuring things out, not WANTING to figure things out (oh, but I do want to figure things out, so I don't think that's it)? Logic tells me that no, I'm not being stupid. Things are just as they seem. But it's tough to be totally confident in that when you've been burned like I have.

I guess I've just decided that if I AM being stupid, it will come out at some point. Somehow, some way things will become clear to me one way or another.

Apologies - how much is enough?

My husband has apologized over and over....verbally, in writing, just by the look on his face. I know he is sorry. At first, it seemed like he was more sorry for having to deal the mess he'd made. But as time went on, it was obvious that he had become quite distressed by the pain he'd caused me and the horribleness of what he'd done to me and our marriage and even himself. For now anyway, we have moved past the anguished stage. I don't think either of us are in a state of constant suffering. But the other day I had this almost irresistible urge to ask him "are you REALLY sorry?? Really really sorry?" I managed to NOT ask.....because I started thinking about it.....how many apologies are necessary? I guess in our case, the first ones were probably not all that sincere....the later ones definitely were. I think one totally sincere, heartfelt apology would be enough. What would I gain by asking him if he's sorry again? And again and again? And I also think that demanding constant apologies would just keep things fresh....things that I WANT to fade away.

We did have a slightly humorous thing happen last week. He was not laughing but I had to. I worked last week. A friend asked me to come help her out with a big project, so I worked 2 days. The second day, we had a lull so I texted DH. All I said was "What are you doing?" That was all, word-for-word. He wrote back "HUH???" So I wrote back "What don't you understand?" Immediately my cell phone rang. He was not frantic but clearly worried "What's wrong?"he asked. I said nothing was wrong. He asked if I was SURE nothing was wrong, was I okay, did something happen. I said again, no, nothing was wrong, and why in the world did he think something was wrong? What did he think happened? He said he had no idea....that maybe I'd found something or someone had called me or something. I asked him what would I have found and he said "there's nothing TO find but I know that you have found things that are old or that you've taken wrong". Then I asked who in the hell would have called me? He said "I have no idea when or if someone is going to get the idea to call you up". I think that when things are going fairly well, he is just terrified that something is going to happen to rock the boat and set me off. I guess we both deal with crazy thoughts. I just found it incredibly hilarious that the simple question of "what are you doing?" packed such a punch.

I am actually in a pretty good place right now. I would not say I'm blissfully happy, but I am becoming more content as time goes on. DH and I are more comfortable together now....there's not CONSTANT tension and fear that something is going to happen (not constant, but see above paragraph :P). I also feel like I know where my life is going. I feel pretty positive that things are going to work out between us. But I am also positive that I will put up with nothing else.....if he slips up in any way, I am sliding into "I'm an idiot" territory and will just hang it up. So I wouldn't say life is good, but life is definitely getting better.

Peaks and valleys

I've been having mostly peaks lately. Yesterday, however, was a valley. A very low valley. Yesterday was a stay at home and feel sorry for myself day. By mid- to late-afternoon, however, I was pretty much over it. I'm back to plugging away. I guess the key to having more peaks is to be able to stick with it through the valleys.

Another good weekend

We had another good weekend....no drama, no trauma, no tears (well, I did cry a little here and there by myself, but not because of anything new that's happened recently- just a little sad at times over things....completely natural I'm sure), no fighting, no nothing.

We had an interesting thing happen on Fri evening. He came home from work and pretty much as soon as he walked in he said "I need to tell you something....I accidentally brought my Blackberry home. It's in my briefcase and it's turned off." I said okay, and that was it. Doesn't sound like a big deal but actually it's HUGE. It stayed in his briefcase all weekend and as far as I know, he didn't touch it. We actually had an argument, a pretty bad one, over that several weeks ago because he had accidentally brought it home and instead of telling me, left it in his car. When he thought I was going to get in his car for something, he started acting all weird....so I asked him if it was in there. He had not meant to bring it home and then didn't know what the best thing to do was after he discovered it. I told him in that situation, the thing to do is bring it in the house, put it somewhere, and don't touch it the rest of the weekend. I told him that the fact that he brought it home doesn't really bother me.....it's when he is using it all the time, taking it with him when he leaves, etc. So I think he handled it perfectly this time.

Time really DOES heal all wounds

Well I wouldn't say I'm HEALED. Far from it. But when I think of mental state now vs. 2 months ago, a month ago, even 2 weeks ago....what a difference. I still have a lot of the same thoughts that bothered me before, but they bother me less, and less often. They are now simply thoughts rather than obsessions.

The last week or so has been pretty good for me. I feel more like my old self than I have in weeks. I'm sad when I think of things I don't like to think about, but for the most part I think I might actually be happy again. Not euphoric, blissfully happy....but just happy, not miserable, mind not racing. It's nice.

Affairs in the pre-electronics age and playing hard to get

I have thought of this numerous times....it's goofy.....but how in the world did people carry on affairs before cell phones and email? I know we are spoiled now by these modern "necessities", but think about how much more difficult it would be to carry on an affair without them. Obviously it was done! I know it was easier for him to hide his whereabouts on several occasions....I have not demanded a contact number when he's out of town for YEARS because he's had cell phones. Or he'd call and say he was on his way to a meeting and was going to be tied up all afternoon.....pretty convenient, huh?

My husband has a Blackberry....it is not his.....it was issued to him by his employer. It is not supposed to be for personal use, but that is one of those things that no one monitors unless a problem arises with it. So he conducted a lot of his "business" with this woman via his Blackberry....lots of emails, lots of calls. Though she never called while he was at home....the phone was always on, other people called on it, but never her. I think the email was the main thing.....and I'm talking just about every waking moment he was checking it, or reading emails, or writing email. I guess without it she'd have had to call his work phone and they'd have to pre-arrange everything. Now, I hate to see the fucking thing. At the beginning of all this mess, it was a huge issue for us. He said he "needed" it for work....I said he didn't. He rarely to never gets work calls on it after hours. He CAN check his work email on it so he does have a point about that, but really....there's never much of anything that's that urgent that it can't wait until he gets to work in the morning. So we went back and forth on that. At first he'd leave it at work all weekend but bring it home during the week, where it mainly just sat. Now, he doesn't bring it home at all unless he is expecting a call or email that he wants immediately. He did say in the beginning that he could call or email anyone he wants without the Blackberry, and he is right. But to me it was a matter of respect, of caring about my feelings, and that damn Blackberry was a huge part of all the deceit. I got him a cell phone on our family plan and he uses that after work hours. It took a while but he did end up seeing my point and respecting my feelings on this issue. Now....I realize that he could be doing all kinds of things with it when he's not in front of me. And that I can't control.

My other topic: playing hard to get. This whole thing has made me quite needy at times. I felt like I was constantly needing reassurance, constantly hovering, checking, searching, obsessing. As time has gone by and my mental state has improved significantly, I have become less clingy. And I realized that if I need to ask for something all the time, do I want it? One thing that came up in a counseling session was me calling him at work. Throughout our marriage, we have always talked at least a couple times during the workday. It is not unusual for either of us to call the other....it's not a new thing. But it just pissed me off that it came up....what is considered "attention" from one person (see above paragraph about numerous emails and phone calls) is considered nagging and clinging from another. So I quit calling. Just about altogether (I did call once this week....but it's been a week and I've only called once). And lo and behold.....guess who is calling me at least a couple times a day? Guess who is sending me emails, all signed "love you". I don't like to play games, but damn if this isn't a kind of fun one.

On an unrelated note: my next door neighbor is having a garage sale today and it is driving me INSANE. We live on a cul-de-sac where parking is at a minimum. We've had a million cars in and out all day, parking in front of my driveway, in my driveway, in the middle of the street....I just saw some guy picking through my trash. Selfishly, I have a few things I'd like to ask if I can put in the garage sale but I won't for fear that she will ask me to HELP. At which point I would actually BE insane.

Marriage counselors should not be allowed to go on vacation :)

Kidding, of course. We had an appointment today and won't see her again until May 14th. We could kill each other by then. :) Actually, I'm hoping that when we see her next we can tell her that we've made great strides.

Good days/bad days and forgiveness

I most definitely think my good days are more and more frequent....and my bad days don't suck nearly as bad. I guess that will keep on until the bad days are seldom and the good days are a way of life again. I can't wait.

I have felt very positive the last few days, and very hopeful. More hopeful than I have in a long time. I just feel like he is where he wants to be and before I was just never quite sure. He said that when things are going well he feels like he could almost forget what's happened, what he did. I think we'd be stupid to forget, but I'm glad he wants to....glad he wants to let go of those memories and move ahead.

We have our weekly counseling appointment tomorrow. She doesn't seem to have things scheduled for us to talk about like she did in the beginning. Now she just asks us if we have anything to discuss, and we go from there. This week I have something: last week he brought up that he is always thinking I'm going to follow him somewhere...like at the gym he spends all his time looking over his shoulder, thinking I'm going to be there. I told him....I have not and will not lower myself to following you around. I am not your mother, I don't want to be your mother, if you're doing something you're not "supposed" to, I'm going to find out eventually and will not lower myself to driving all over town. Now, if I KNEW he was up to something and I could bust him, hell yes....I'd be there. In fact, a couple months ago I DID know where he was one day and had plans to go there, find out what was going on once and for all (this was only days before I found out), and I ended up home w/a sick kid. I refused to leave a sick 10 yr old home alone, refused to take her with me (can you imagine?), didn't want to have my mom come over to watch her....so he went un-busted...and it didn't matter - it was too late at that point. The counselor told him that just like I have my own issues to work on (mine is obsessive thoughts about the details of the affair - though I am doing MUCH better), he has his....he is on edge all the time, wondering when something is going to set me off, when I'm going to show up somewhere, etc. I told him that that is unfair to me....I have NEVER followed him anywhere so it is unfair to be angry over the possibility. He HAS, however, lied about his whereabouts and done things to betray me. So my obsessive thoughts certainly make more sense than his obsessive thoughts. I just think that is something that needs to be addressed....if I'm expected to move on, he should as well. I do think a lot of what drives him his guilt. He needs to understand that if I'm going to try to forgive him, then he needs to be working on forgiving himself. I am glad that he's sorry but do think his obsessing is not productive. Of course I'm sure ALL obsessing is not productive.

We had a good weekend....

....nothing exciting. Just no trauma, no drama, no nothing. I didn't go looking for trouble and it didn't find me. It was a nice change.

Hi ho, hi ho....it's back to work I go.....

...despite saying I'm making no rash decision....I am pretty sure I'm going back to work.

Started out innocently enough. My friend works at the junior high and is dying for me to take a secretarial position when this lady retires at the end of the year. The job would be perfect for me....my kids' schedule would be the same as mine (days off-wise), two of my kids would be at the same school complex for three years so could go to and from school with me every day, 6 weeks off in the summer. Then I found out what the base salary is. $22K. About $100 a week. Ugh. That is just not worth it.

So....I've started working on my resume the last couple days to apply for some government jobs. I figure I could probably work part-time and make $22K.

I may wait until September though. Then I wouldn't have to deal with this summer....next summer Kid #1 will be driving so at least the kids wouldn't be trapped here all summer while I was at work.

But....for various reasons I think it might be a good idea. I have too much time on my hands. I am busy but when I get down, I let things slide and I do too much thinking and I have plenty of time to do it. I also hate to think that somewhere down the road I might really need a job urgently, and it's easier to get a job when you already have one.

Other stuff from today.....I read a book early in this whole ordeal called "After the Affair". I read through it pretty quickly and then set it aside. I went back and re-read parts of it today because some of it apples to later, rather than the first-finding-out stage. I'm glad I did....got a lot of insight into some of what's going on with me now.

Is it possible to love someone who has hurt you so badly?

My husband can't figure out why I still love him and want him around. He is glad that I do...and has said so quite a few times....but just can't imagine what he'd do if the shoe was on the other foot. We've had setbacks, horrible arguments, revelations, epiphanies, flung hateful words and accusations at each other....and he is just not sure that he'd still be here if I was the one who had cheated on him.

I told myself at the beginning of this journey (which started two months ago today, by the way) that I'd make no rash decisions. I realized that nothing had to be decided RIGHT NOW....that it was okay to sit tight and process everything on my own timetable. I think that it's remarkable that I was able to come to that decision, considering how much I was not myself at the time. Obviously I had some moments of clarity in the midst of all kinds of craziness.

So there are no guarantees that we'll end up together forever. But the more time that goes by, and the more counseling sessions we have, the better I feel. The more he opens up and tells me (and means!) the things I need to hear, the more hope I have. I guess at some point in the future I'll have to decide whether I feel better enough, hopeful enough that I'm going to be able to stay. Today, I think yes.....this is going to work. Yesterday I thought so too. I believe that two days is a record. :)

Our counselor is a little flaky. Actually she's a lot flaky. Hell, she's downright weird. But I like her. I think she is helping us, little by little. I always sit and imagine her having a discussion with her own husband....."so what I hear you saying is.....".

I think I need some Xanax.....

....just to go to our counseling appointments. They are not bad....I thought lots of ugly things would come out but they don't. She doesn't focus on the affair so much as the state of our relationship that led us to this, and what we want more of/less of/to improve in our marriage. But I still dread the appointments. At least I get breakfast out afterwards (we do that every week).

More on the Sybil thing.....at times I am very peaceful and feel like all is as right as it can be with my world. Then the next thing I know I am just analyzing the hell out of some event, some "clue", something said/not said. I'd say my moments of doubt and desperation are getting less frequent but they are painful nonetheless.

Now I remember how much I used to like to write

I never remember really having goals for myself when I was a kid, or a teenager, or even an adult for that matter. My parents were not the encouraging types....they weren't DIScouraging but they were never very involved in my education, my grades didn't matter, they had no clue what was going on. Perhaps that's the way most parents were back then, as opposed to today's helicopter parents (which cause a whole other set of problems, if you ask me!). I was never guided in any direction, never encouraged to explore what I might love or might be good at. I got decent enough grades in high school. I had periods where I didn't do very well (never did well with transitions....so 7th grade and 9th grade were bad when I went to new schools), but mainly I was a decent student and usually made the honor roll without a whole lot of effort. In college I discovered alcohol and that derailed much of my college career. I finally quit, went to work full-time and eventually school part-time and then did fairly well (As and Bs and the occasional C in the more difficult classes).

The only subject I remember loving in high school was English. I loved words, loved reading, loved writing. That was the one subject that I really excelled in. So off I went to college, thinking perhaps I'd be a writer. I have no idea what happened to that idea. I guess it got lost in a sea of alcohol, parties, cigarettes, and skipped classes. By the time I decided to quit school and go to work full-time as a secretary for the government, I had long forgotten about it. Then I discovered that my employer would pay for job-related courses, so I went with Accountancy. I think it was a smart choice in some ways. At least I HAVE a degree....I doubt I would have ever finished if I'd had to pay for it all myself. I sometimes took three business classes per quarter and didn't pay for any of them. It was also a bad choice. I don't like Accountancy. Some parts of it I like, but some parts I find so stiflingly boring that I think I'd have to shoot myself if I sat at a desk and did it all day long. And now I've been out of it so long that I probably couldn't land a job as an accountant even if I wanted to.

I am seriously digressing here....but I have thoroughly enjoyed this blogging business. It reminds me of how much I used to like to write. So now I am a writer.....to an audience of maybe two. :)

Just call me Sybil

I know it is not nice to poke fun at those with multiple personality disorder. But I'd swear I had it sometimes. I go from strong, confident, and positive to blubbery, anxious, panicky, and flipped out in about 24 seconds. If that. Something as simple as not being able to get in touch with my husband around lunchtime can set me off. And I KNOW it's stupid...but it doesn't stop me.

As hokey as this rubberband-on-the-wrist thing sounds, it actually kind of works. Emphasis on "kind of". Sometimes I am too flipped out to remember to snap it.

My head is not a fun place to be sometimes.

You find out who your friends are.....

I have a lot of friends. I am a blabbermouth and I'll talk to anyone.....so just about everywhere I go I pick up a friend or two. I have a few friends I've known for over 25 years. I have numerous online friends, some of whom I am pretty close to. I have a neighbor I am pretty tight with. I have a couple close friends and many acquaintances I've met through my kids. I also have lots of friends who don't live closeby but I stay in touch with, at least exchanging Christmas cards.

For the last couple months I have really isolated myself. I had no desire to see anyone....I didn't feel like acting normal but really didn't feel like spilling my guts either. So it was just easier to stay home, hole up, retreat inside myself. When I finally started telling some friends, I felt like a huge load had been taken off my shoulders. Everything gets better when you share it, whether it's joy or pain.

I am not a needy friend. Well I probably am NOW (one poor friend has received probably hundreds of emails from me, full of analysis of every single detail of this whole saga) but normally I am not. If you have time for me, great.....if you don't, well I understand. Everyone's busy. But one friend in particular has really bothered me. She is not one I would ever tell about my situation....I just don't feel like she'd be helpful at all and I don't need that. What is bothering me is that now it is apparent how one-sided our friendship has always been and how when I don't hold up my end, there really is no friendship, no communication, no nothing. I usually call this friend once a week, and a month went by before she even noticed she hadn't heard from me. She finally called me and just didn't seem to have a clue that something was wrong. I know I can't expect people to read my mind but I thought she knew me well enough to tell I wasn't myself. It all made me think back over our friendship (we've been friends about 5 yrs) and I realized....she asks all kinds of favors of me but has never been able to do any of the things I've asked of her. Ever.

So am I turning into that needy, whiny friend no one wants to be.....or am I just seeing this friendship clearly for the first time?

Choosing to believe....hardest thing I've ever done

Our couples counselor has talked about trust issues....about my need to trust again, about the need for him to provide reassurance when I need it. Neither of us has done a very good job with those things. I think I am just habitually on high alert now. It's hard not to be. He is just not good with communicating, though he is getting better, and has a hard time sometimes with uttering the words I need to hear.

Anyway....our counselor told me a couple weeks ago that I just need to choose to believe him when I ask him if he's doing this or doing that or not doing this or not doing that. I need to choose to believe him until I am shown otherwise. So I am working on that but it is really really hard. Sometimes my head tells me one thing and my heart tells me another. And they argue with each other. I feel like I have a little angel and devil sitting on my shoulders.

We had an issue come up over the weekend.....I'm thinking that perhaps I need to take an out-of-town job on the weekends so that I'm not home since that seems to be when the shit hits the fan most of the time. But in the end, I am choosing to believe him. Originally my head and my heart had opposite opinions, but now my head is coming around a bit. I allow myself that because generally I am SO skeptical and many times do not believe, so I am granting myself permission to believe even when logic tells me otherwise.

What I've also pondered is this: why do I keep asking these questions? What answer do I expect?

I am also having a really hard time with not snooping all the time. I am snooping and digging and searching to the point that it makes me crazy. I have always had issues with obsessive thoughts when I am going through something....and this is the worst. Right now I am sitting here with a rubberband on my wrist that I am going to snap every time I have an obsessive thought or find myself on super high alert for no reason.... I figure this little bit of behavior mod might not work, but it can't hurt. Snap snap snap.

Most effective weight loss plan ever....but I don't recommend it

If you've ever known a woman who is going through some horrible relationship problem (like mine) or a divorce (like I might), have you noticed how much weight she lost? It has happened with every woman I know.

My husband met this other woman in November or December. Became friends, then even friendlier, and by January the affair had become physical (though from what I am able to piece togehter it wasn't all that physical), and I found out in February.

Last August, I was pretty plump for me. I am 5'9" and I weighed 150-155 lbs. So I started Weight Watchers. I have done it before and had good luck with it....I am diligent about tracking my points. So I lost some weight and by November or December I was down to my goal weight of 140. That was so easy that I decided to shoot for 135. I actually got down to 132 lbs with no problem. Then the shit hit the fan here. I couldn't/wouldn't eat, and my weight dropped down to 126 pretty rapidly.

Now I know that many people would kill to have my problem. I am now eating....a LOT....and I am barely gaining. I am up to a whopping 130 lbs right now and just can't get any higher. I am too thin. I have no boobs, no butt.....I am wearing a size 6 (which actually fit when I was at 132) and it's too big but I'm too tall to wear a size 4. I do not look good. I have gotten mixed reactions from others.....some think I look great, others act like I'm anorexic.

I guess I should just enjoy this while it lasts. I have never in my life said "I need to gain weight". EVER.

Do you think this is true? 75% of married men have cheated

I've read various statistics on infedility....and saw today that up to 75% of married men have cheated. That's 3 out of 4. So I look around at all the men I know, and even the ones I don't know, and just have a hard time imagining that 3 out of 4 of them have strayed. That is just mind-boggling.

I know a lot of decent guys. I have a couple male friends who I just think are the most stand-up guys around. I was recently talking to an old friend, a woman I've known for almost 20 years. We met at work when we were both in our early 20s. We have a mutual male friend who also worked with us, and I was telling her about how I think of him often now that I am dealing with infedelity in my own marriage because I just could never imagine him cheating on his wife. My friend said "I hate to burst your bubble....but he hit on ME once"....came to her and told her he had "feelings" for her. I have been sworn to secrecy and I won't tell a soul....but I was stunned, shocked, disappointed, angry.

So I wonder....could ANY man be tempted to cheat if the circumstances were right (or wrong I guess)?

Will I ever be the same? Do I even want to be?

I am getting into this blogging business. :)

Many times through this ordeal, I have wished I could just go back to being my "old self". My old self was not suspicious. My old self believed her husband when he said he was going to the gym, to get coffee, to get his hair cut, to a meeting, on an overnight business trip, even to work. My old self didn't look through briefcases and wallets, didn't check Blackberries for emails or phone calls, didn't search through gloveboxes or under car seats. My old self was not tempted to follow her husband to wherever he's supposed to be (and for some reason, I will do all the other things listed but I refuse to follow anyone anywhere - I was really going to do it one time and ended up home with a sick child. I refuse to shirk my responsibilities to chase someone around like a crazy person). My old self smiled a lot, laughed a lot, did a lot. My old self was energetic and interesting.

But then I think about my old self and how perhaps she contributed to the situation my new self is now in. I take no responsibility for my husband turning to someone else, but I do take some responsibility for some of the things that made him angry enough and unhappy enough to do that. So I have taken a lot of time to examine my old self....what can I do differently? Is it my responsibility to even try to do things differently? I'm not the one who messed up here. But I have decided that it is in my best interest to really look inside myself....even if we don't end up staying together, don't I want to be a better person if I am able?

What I have discovered is I wasn't as physically affectionate as I could have been. Or as emotionally affectionate. I wasn't easy to talk to, and probably not easy to listen to either....neither of us are/were very good communicators. I was not very supportive of his career, and actually other things that I didn't understand or didn't care about for myself. I had gotten lazy. I didn't make an effort to spend time with my husband....just simple things like sitting in the same room watching TV or reading instead of being in other parts of the house, or getting out without the kids every now and then. I pretty much never put my husband first.

I believe it is an asset to be able to see one's own flaws. Too many people don't....or just don't want to. So I am exploring all this in counseling and hope that in time our marriage will not only survive, but thrive. But if that doesn't happen, at least I will have a better understanding of myself and the knowledge that I gave this the attention it needs when it would be so much easier sometimes to just walk away.

So maybe I will one day be my old self again....but I'd prefer an older, wiser version.

"If my husband did that to ME, I'd _________"

For at least a couple weeks, I didn't tell anyone what was going on in my life. I stayed on my bed almost all day, alternating crying and sleeping and just staring. Finally, I opened up to a few people. I was careful in choosing who I told, because if my husband and I end up staying together, there are some people who I know would not be able to be civil to him if they knew what he'd done. I started with a wise and compassionate online friend. I tell her this all the time, but she really pulled me through the worst times and I owe her so much. Then I told my best real-life friend. Then I told a few more online friends and just 2 more real-life friends. One of those is a friend of about 20 years who has been through this, and I'm glad I told her. The other 2 real-life friends.....I wish I had kept my mouth shut. Real life friend #1 sees everything in black & white and just has a really hard time understanding my "strategy" (if you want to call this muddling through a strategy!) and real life friend #2 is super religious and just has some suggestions that I think are crazy.

Most people say the appropriate thing.....like "I'm so sorry you're going through this". But then I get some doozies. Real life friend #2 said that I should get together with my husband, the other woman, and her husband and we should all "put our cards on the table". Um.....NO. For various reasons. First of all, who in the hell is going to agree to that? I would love to know what the situation is with her marriage but a pow-wow ain't gonna happen. Second, my issue is with my own husband, so I don't know how that would solve anything anyway. Real life friend #1 is appalled that my husband and I actually spend time together and sleep in the same bed and even have had sex. She says she could not be in the same room with him and couldn't stand to let him touch her. My thought on that was if I was planning to try to repair things, him sleeping on the couch or me not speaking to him surely wasn't going to help. And as for sex, I felt like if I didn't do it soon, I wouldn't ever be ready. Sort of "getting back into the saddle". And I felt so alone and horrible and unloved that the closeness was what I wanted and needed.

The funny thing with these wacked-out opinions is that I didn't ask for them. I was explaining what was wrong with me (I basically dropped off the face of the Earth - something was clearly wrong) and that I needed support. Friend #1 did at least realize that perhaps she is saying the wrong things. She asked me to tell her when she is not being helpful, and I have. Friend #2...well I don't think she'll ever get it. I've decided that I just need to tell her that I don't want to talk about it anymore.

Oddly, the person I resisted telling the most is the one who has said the least. I told my mom last weekend because we had a mini-crisis going on and I felt like I needed to tell her something was up (she had my kids and was going to bring them home but I didn't want them coming home in the middle of an argument). She just said "you don't have to tell me anything if you don't want to". I gave her the very briefest synopsis and she hasn't said another word. She tries very hard not to get in my business all the time, and this is a quality that I find annoying sometimes. But right now....I appreciate it.

It was so hard for me to keep all this to myself, but sharing is difficult too.

I've just decided that no one knows what they would do in this situation until it happens to them.

First entry

I am a mother, married for 15 years. I found out almost 2 months ago that my husband had been having a short-lived affair. When I merely suspected, I expected to throw him out on his ass. And I nearly did. But then I decided that despite his acting like a complete ass and "crushing my aorta" (got that from a friend, and boy is it a good description!), I do love him, and despite not being blissfully happy together, our marriage did have some definite good parts, and I can't imagine just walking away from an 18 year relationship without at least trying to repair things. So we are in counseling, him alone and both of us together. There've been a few setbacks along the way and lots of tears and arguments.

It's been a rough 2 months. I am both weaker and stronger than I ever knew. I think if I had suicidal tendencies I'd be a goner by now. I spent about 2 1/2 weeks almost bedridden. I spent another 2 weeks in a fog. Since then I've definitely had ups and downs, but I am much better.

Unless someone's lived through this, it is nearly impossible to describe the pain that comes with finding out that someone you loved and trusted has betrayed you in the worst possible way. I would not wish this on my worst enemy.

So....I am dealing with the aftermath of infidelity. I am not convinced that we will ultimately end up together, but I am hopeful and I think I would always regret not trying. Our marriage was not great for the last couple of years, and there's much that could be improved upon. I have decided to look at the affair as either a wake-up call or the end. But to figure out which one it is will take some time.

It takes a while to recover from a crushed aorta.