Months ago, I tore an article about men and depression out of a magazine. Thought DH showed more than one of the signs. Whether or not he's depressed has come up with other counselors, but DH insists he is not depressed and the subject's been dropped. I'm not so sure. Dr E wants to find out. A friend asked me if I found out that DH IS depressed, will it make what's happened easier on me? I say no, it won't....because what hurts is what happened, not WHY it happened (at least I think so)....but it might make me feel more sure that it wouldn't happen again. I just can't tell you how many women I've heard whose husbands have cheated on them or up and left them suddenly, and the men have ended up being depressed or bipolar.
I find it so weird that after all this time, I still have such mood swings. I'd say my general mood is not bad for the most part. I don't have the deep depression that I did....I'd say I experience sadness more than the average person but it's not debilitating like it was. But early in the week last week, I just felt finished. I felt tired, I felt like I'd expended any energy I have to devote to this relationship and had nothing left, I felt it was hopeless and that I'm just prolonging the inevitable. I don't tell DH any of this.....I don't act any differently at all. I hate to sound mean, but if the other shoe is going to drop it's going to be at a time of my choosing....I think I deserve to be the one in control. Well....lo and behold....DH is making it really hard on me. We had an appointment on Monday, and by Thursday he was just....I can't explain it......different. Like I think what we discussed Monday just took a few days to sink in. Friday morning he apologized, out of the blue. I asked him why he was apologizing now and he said he thinks about what he did to me a lot and is so sorry. Who kidnapped my husband and who is this imposter???? And will it last?
Monday, April 27, 2009
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Book review
I told you about my one and only book I've read in over a year. It's Happens Every Day by Isabel Gillies. It's about the end of this couple's marriage. I don't know that I'd say I ENJOYED it. It is such a depressing subject. But having been there, it was certainly interesting.
The husband, Josiah, had been married before. He cheated on his first wife while she was pregnant and she divorced him. Josiah and Isabel had been married for about 6 years. Isabel thought she had the perfect life. Josiah was a professor at a college in Ohio and fell in love with Sylvia, a newly-married young female professor in his department.
I find it so fascinating how different people, no matter which end of the affair they're on, handle themselves. Isabel was a lot like I was.....determined to "fix" things, devastated but managed to hold things together (barely) for her kids. She didn't seem to be embarrassed and told many people in her life what was going on, which is similar to what I did as well. Josiah decided shortly after he met this other woman that he would not stay in the marriage and made that very clear. He would not, however, admit that it was because of anyone else. After Josiah told Isabel he wanted out, they spent 3 more months living together.....with Isabel hoping the whole time that he'd change his mind. She was in love with him anyway, and it made me so sad for her. To Josiah's credit, though he was pretty cruel to Isabel at times, he never waivered in his decision that he wanted out. He never pretended to want to try to work things out and stay in the marriage. So while he was cruel, at least he was truthful about that. Both Josiah and Sylvia did lie repeatedly about their involvement.
Isabel has remarried. Josiah and Sylvia are now married and both still teaching at the college. Isabel claims that she is friends with both of them. I find that hard to fathom but stranger things have happened.
The husband, Josiah, had been married before. He cheated on his first wife while she was pregnant and she divorced him. Josiah and Isabel had been married for about 6 years. Isabel thought she had the perfect life. Josiah was a professor at a college in Ohio and fell in love with Sylvia, a newly-married young female professor in his department.
I find it so fascinating how different people, no matter which end of the affair they're on, handle themselves. Isabel was a lot like I was.....determined to "fix" things, devastated but managed to hold things together (barely) for her kids. She didn't seem to be embarrassed and told many people in her life what was going on, which is similar to what I did as well. Josiah decided shortly after he met this other woman that he would not stay in the marriage and made that very clear. He would not, however, admit that it was because of anyone else. After Josiah told Isabel he wanted out, they spent 3 more months living together.....with Isabel hoping the whole time that he'd change his mind. She was in love with him anyway, and it made me so sad for her. To Josiah's credit, though he was pretty cruel to Isabel at times, he never waivered in his decision that he wanted out. He never pretended to want to try to work things out and stay in the marriage. So while he was cruel, at least he was truthful about that. Both Josiah and Sylvia did lie repeatedly about their involvement.
Isabel has remarried. Josiah and Sylvia are now married and both still teaching at the college. Isabel claims that she is friends with both of them. I find that hard to fathom but stranger things have happened.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
BIG accomplishment :)
Not really....just thought that was a good attention-grabber. :) It's really a small accomplishment. But let me back up a bit.....
I have let a lot of things fall by the wayside in the last year. Some friends.....volunteer activities.....hobbies. Some things I'm glad to let go of. I discovered that I had a lot of friendships where I was really the only one initiating everything. Or there were friends that I didn't feel I trusted enough to tell what had happened. If I'm doing everything or I don't trust someone, is this really a friend I need to spend a lot of time or energy on? I had been dragging myself week after week to volunteer doing things I hated. But my hobbies....I kind of miss those.
I didn't have a lot of hobbies....just little things I enjoyed every now and then. One I stuck with and that's my Ebay....and that's pretty much because I hate clutter and I'm cheap and I like money. :) The two things I hate letting slide most is the scrapbooks I make for my kids and reading. I distinctly remember what I was working on, scrapbook-wise, when the shit hit the fan here. I was working on A's scrapbook, pictures from the previous summer, so from Aug 07. I never finished. I left everything on an end table in my family room for a long time, thinking maybe I'd get back to it. Then it made me sad to look at it, so I put it all away. I still haven't finished what I was working on and don't know when I will. But I want to sometime. I've also been horrible about taking pictures in this year plus. And what few pictures we've taken, I haven't had processed. So I feel like we've "lost" a year and a half. But I'll get my rear in gear sometime and get caught up.
I have missed reading A LOT. For a long time I couldn't focus long enough to read anything beyond the newspaper and the occasional magazine. My mind raced too much. I felt too sad to think of anything but myself and my misery. Then later, I just had no interest. I wasn't miserable....but I felt "blah". So I had found some reviews of a few books in magazines that looked good and ordered them from amazon.com. I started one yesterday and have hardly been able to put it down. Sounds like a stupid thing to be jazzed about, but I am. I finally am over my affair-induced ADD (AIADD??). Ironically, the book is about a woman whose husband had an affair and left her. It's called 'Happens Every Day'. It's an interesting book....she is not a super talented writer but her writing draws you in. It's like talking to a friend. It sounds like ME. You'd think I'd find it too depressing, but oddly I don't.
In other news....those 6 days without smoking? Totally down the tubes. On the one-week mark, there I was....back at Walgreens buying a pack of cigarettes. So yesterday I decided to actually DO SOMETHING about it rather than just talk about doing something about it. I bought some nicotine gum and I'm hoping it will be helpful. Actually I think what may work is that I'm afraid if I actually did smoke after chewing the gum I would get really sick. So I'm chewing away on the gum anytime I go out to run errands, my usual time that I'd sneak in a smoke or two.
I have let a lot of things fall by the wayside in the last year. Some friends.....volunteer activities.....hobbies. Some things I'm glad to let go of. I discovered that I had a lot of friendships where I was really the only one initiating everything. Or there were friends that I didn't feel I trusted enough to tell what had happened. If I'm doing everything or I don't trust someone, is this really a friend I need to spend a lot of time or energy on? I had been dragging myself week after week to volunteer doing things I hated. But my hobbies....I kind of miss those.
I didn't have a lot of hobbies....just little things I enjoyed every now and then. One I stuck with and that's my Ebay....and that's pretty much because I hate clutter and I'm cheap and I like money. :) The two things I hate letting slide most is the scrapbooks I make for my kids and reading. I distinctly remember what I was working on, scrapbook-wise, when the shit hit the fan here. I was working on A's scrapbook, pictures from the previous summer, so from Aug 07. I never finished. I left everything on an end table in my family room for a long time, thinking maybe I'd get back to it. Then it made me sad to look at it, so I put it all away. I still haven't finished what I was working on and don't know when I will. But I want to sometime. I've also been horrible about taking pictures in this year plus. And what few pictures we've taken, I haven't had processed. So I feel like we've "lost" a year and a half. But I'll get my rear in gear sometime and get caught up.
I have missed reading A LOT. For a long time I couldn't focus long enough to read anything beyond the newspaper and the occasional magazine. My mind raced too much. I felt too sad to think of anything but myself and my misery. Then later, I just had no interest. I wasn't miserable....but I felt "blah". So I had found some reviews of a few books in magazines that looked good and ordered them from amazon.com. I started one yesterday and have hardly been able to put it down. Sounds like a stupid thing to be jazzed about, but I am. I finally am over my affair-induced ADD (AIADD??). Ironically, the book is about a woman whose husband had an affair and left her. It's called 'Happens Every Day'. It's an interesting book....she is not a super talented writer but her writing draws you in. It's like talking to a friend. It sounds like ME. You'd think I'd find it too depressing, but oddly I don't.
In other news....those 6 days without smoking? Totally down the tubes. On the one-week mark, there I was....back at Walgreens buying a pack of cigarettes. So yesterday I decided to actually DO SOMETHING about it rather than just talk about doing something about it. I bought some nicotine gum and I'm hoping it will be helpful. Actually I think what may work is that I'm afraid if I actually did smoke after chewing the gum I would get really sick. So I'm chewing away on the gum anytime I go out to run errands, my usual time that I'd sneak in a smoke or two.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Haven't felt like blogging
Just not in the mood. Nothing's been great...nothing's been terrible....I've just not been in the mood.
I do have a confession to make. I never quit smoking when I swore I was going to several months ago. I made a couple feeble attempts. I never smoked over the weekends anyway....so every Monday seemed like a perfect time to make a fresh start. And every Monday I'd find myself driving somewhere to have one. We went out of town Thursday through Sunday and I hadn't smoked on Wednesday either.....the last day I had a cigarette was on Tuesday of last week. Today I left our counseling session and pulled into a gas station parking lot with every intention of buying a pack. For some reason I was able to find some willpower somewhere inside of me and I drove off without even going in. Yay me. As much as I'd LOVE to have one....and stupid or not, the momentary satisfaction WOULD make me feel much better....I do like all the reasons NOT to have one. Not smelling us a big one. Not letting down my kids is another biggie. Not wasting money is another. Not doing something that makes me look old is at the top of my list. At almost 42 I don't need any help looking older!!! I know 6 days without a cigarette is not earth shattering. But today is the first day I've resisted temptation, and for that I am proud.
I do have a confession to make. I never quit smoking when I swore I was going to several months ago. I made a couple feeble attempts. I never smoked over the weekends anyway....so every Monday seemed like a perfect time to make a fresh start. And every Monday I'd find myself driving somewhere to have one. We went out of town Thursday through Sunday and I hadn't smoked on Wednesday either.....the last day I had a cigarette was on Tuesday of last week. Today I left our counseling session and pulled into a gas station parking lot with every intention of buying a pack. For some reason I was able to find some willpower somewhere inside of me and I drove off without even going in. Yay me. As much as I'd LOVE to have one....and stupid or not, the momentary satisfaction WOULD make me feel much better....I do like all the reasons NOT to have one. Not smelling us a big one. Not letting down my kids is another biggie. Not wasting money is another. Not doing something that makes me look old is at the top of my list. At almost 42 I don't need any help looking older!!! I know 6 days without a cigarette is not earth shattering. But today is the first day I've resisted temptation, and for that I am proud.
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