Happy for me, sad for my kids.....getting out of my marriage, getting on with my life.

Wednesday, December 31, 2008

2009 has got to be better

Right? I guess 2008 wasn't ALL bad. My kids are healthy, and that's always something to be thankful for. But emotionally....I know I haven't had a worse year than 2008. No way, no how.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Christmas

Mine was actually pretty fabulous....delightful, relaxing, loving, wonderful, lazy. Started out by waking up early (I always have gotten up before the kids....I just need a few minutes at least of peace and quiet before I start my day....ANY day). DH and I were lying in bed talking before we got up.....out of the blue he says "I'm so sorry". I asked why. He said "For hurting you, for what I did, for what I've put you through". I asked why he was apologizing now and he said he was just thinking of how badly he'd hurt me. So he does have his moments where he seems to have some clue. Then he has the random moments where he's a Neanderthal bonehead and I want to kick him right in the ass. :) But at moments like that, on Christmas morning, I'm really glad that I decided to give myself time.

My kids can be the sweetest little things in the entire world. I received a box of handmade goodies from my younger two. All sorts of things....a bracelet made of beads threaded onto a pipe cleaner (FYI - the ends of a pipe cleaner can really hurt). Two scarves made by finger weaving (something they learned in Brownies years ago). A card. A snowflake. A "cat's eye" - which is a popsicle stick cross with yard woven on it. A candy cane and a star made from clay, painted, and sprinkled with glitter. A snow globe made from a baby food jar (with the label barely removed!). They are sweethearts. My oldest doesn't have a ton of money but tries to come up with creative gift ideas. For the younger two, she bought them all kinds of fun candy that they've never had before....Pez, Pop Rocks, Bottle Caps, Gobstoppers, a couple more I can't think of at the moment. They loved everything, and she probably only spent $5 each.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Too bad to stay, too good to leave

That's the title of a book. I haven't yet seen the book. I have spent oodles of money on self-help books and refuse to spend a penny more. And I hate checking stuff like this out at the library...which I know is just stupid.


But the title has me intrigued. It describes my situation pretty accurately, I think. That actually makes things a little more difficult, more complicated, more confusing. I think if things were all bad, or bad most of the time, there'd be much less indecision on my part.

When things are good, things are very good. DH can be very sweet, attentive, caring, and loving. He is physically affectionate. We had a great time together, have similar senses of humor, and just enjoy each other's company. We are good parents, we have wonderful kids.

BUT....and there is always a big but these days.....things can also be very bad. We had an argument over something stupid this week that escalated and just opened my eyes even wider to the fact that he just doesn't get it. At all. He is selfish....and I do think that a good percentage of men are selfish in some way, though some obviously are so selfish that they cause problems, wreak havoc, and are so worried about their own asses that they just are oblivious to how their actions affect others. Either oblivious or when it comes down to it, they just don't care. And there are other things that are bad or make me unhappy. As much as I'd love to forgive and forget, I don't think it's possible. Forgive...maybe. Forget...never. I carry a visual around with me all the time....my husband was intimate with another woman. And I've seen her in person so it's easy to imagine it....it's not some intangible someone out there whose face I can't conjure up. It's a hard thought to get rid of. And if I never can I just don't think I can live this life anymore. I also have a hard time dealing with the lies....the millions (so it seems!) of lies I was told....either flat-out untruths or by omission.

As I get closer to my one-year mark, I think about these things a lot. Some days the pros of being with him far outweigh the cons.....other days, not so much.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Glimpses of my old self

I wouldn't say I'm back to normal by any means. I am still untrusting, still quite sad at times, still unforgiving...I am just changed. But the dynamics of the relationship have changed over the last few months. I am no longer clingy, no longer desperate, no longer depressed and barely functioning, no longer constantly looking over my shoulder. Somewhere in there I just realized that no matter what....I will survive. I can do hard things.

For months and months, I was quite unproductive. Very unlike me. My old self was busy busy busy....constantly working on some project, constantly volunteering, getting together with friends, keeping a clean house, shopping, taking the kids places, tons of cooking. A lot of that came to a screeching halt in February. I did the bare minimum to not live in squalor....I fulfilled my kid obligations but not with the same gusto that I normally would....we had lots of "fend for yourself" dinner nights...I became a recluse and avoided people at all costs.

Lately....I'm seeing more of the old me. I am excited about things. I didn't think I'd want to "do" the holidays at all but I am enjoying them. I am throwing a 16th birthday party for one of my kids and really looking forward to it and loving her excitement. I am redecorating the other two kids' room and can't wait to see their reaction when it's completed. I'm going places alone and not avoiding people anymore.

I kind of feel like if the bottom dropped out on this tomorrow....if I threw him out or he chose to walk out....I would be okay. I'd be sad, and I still have my sad moments now, but I think I've just figured out that I'M not the one who'd be losing out.

I've seen big changes in DH. I guess I should say that I see what SEEM to be big changes. I always have to qualify everything now, you know.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Feeling a little down :(

Nothing's happened (that I know of...when will I quit saying that??), but this is the time last year that everything got started up. I guess this will always make me sad...just like lots of other "anniversaries" associated with this whole mess.

We had another counseling appointment a few days ago. I probably sound like a freak saying this, but I actually rather enjoy our sessions. This guy is interesting. He makes me think...and no matter what the outcome is with my marriage, I'm glad I've seen him.

I mentioned my friend who recently found out that her husband had been unfaithful. What a mess that has turned out to be. She installed a keylogger on their computer and has been able to glean a plethora of information from that. It's actually mind-boggling. I probably sound like a freak saying this too, but her husband makes mine look like a saint. His issues go way way WAY beyond just an extramarital affair.