Thursday, June 25, 2009
Born to run...that's me :)
Ok...born to run is a little bit of an exaggeration. But I got this wild idea a few weeks ago that I wanted to start running. So I found information on line about the Couch to 5k program. You're supposed to be able to run a 5k within 9 weeks. The program starts really slow and you increase your running time and distance every week. I am on week 4 now. I never thought I'd say it...but I actually rather enjoy it. Sometimes I have to say to myself "I CAN DO THIS" over and over...and over and over and over. Funny how that applies to my running and my life. I can do this.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Been a long time....
I have posted anything in over a month. Not that nothing's been going on....just haven't made the time to do it.
I had something come up in the last month. I'll go into what it was in a minute....but I have had this total turnaround of what I think, what I feel, what I want, what I need, what I know. I've spent SO much time searching for answers, yet even when I've found them, I find a way to explain it away, justify it, issue another ultimatum. This time is different. First of all, there was no searching. This bit of info practically fell into my lap with little effort on my part. Second, even though before if I was being honest with myself I KNEW what was going on, it's different now....it's like my eyes just snapped open and I saw.....I saw the kind of man I'm married to and I saw exactly the horribleness he's capable of and I saw that I have no choice but to get out. And I actually see myself on the other side....and it's not such a bad thing.
Back in November, when DH was gone for 4 weeks, a thing came in the mail for him from a hotel....about a frequent stay program. DH travels quite a bit for work, so I didn't think TOO much of it....he gets lots of junk mail from airlines, hotels, rental car companies, etc. I did think enough of it that I stuck the letter in the back of one of my dresser drawers in case I needed it for future reference. Then about 5 weeks ago, a statement from the same chain came. I opened it....figuring if it was nothing or legitimate I'd just toss it in the trash and DH would be none the wiser. It had a stay at a hotel here in town, one night, in October....it was the Friday before he left for a month. I asked him about it and he of course had a story....a farfetched, ridiculous story.
So you might ask....how could he be so stupid as to sign up for a frequent stay program? What I would bet is that when you check in, even though you pay cash, you still have to give them your drivers license. They're not just going to give you a room with no identification. So they entered his info into their system and he was automatically enrolled in the program. A friend stayed at another hotel in the same chain and she said they told her that by making a reservation you're automatically enrolled. What I think happened is he went there on a Fri afternoon, spent the rest of the day there, came home in the evening and acted like nothing happened....and never went back to check out on Saturday - he just left the key there and obviously didn't need a receipt.
The day after I got the letter in the mail, but before DH came up with his half-assed explanations, I went to see our therapist alone. We talked about my last line in the sand, my final ultimatum....that if there was any contact whatsoever after August I was done. I told him that unless DH was able to come up with an explanation that made total sense, then I meant what I said - I am done. And I am. He's tried to act like things are normal. He kept trying to touch me until I finally told him that I've been extremely pissed for week and don't want him touching me. I have no idea what he's been doing for sex.....he could be getting it elsewhere for all I know, and I don't even care.
So my plan is now to hold on for a couple more weeks. My kids go on vacation with their grandma on July 10th, and I plan to tell him I want a divorce as close to that day as possible. Then hopefully he'll be out of here and if he acts like an ass he'll be over it by the time they get back. I have no idea how he'll react. I do think he'll be surprised, at least a little, even with how things have been going here. I think he just thinks he can do whatever he wants and I won't do anything about it. And I guess that was true for a while. But not anymore.
I had something come up in the last month. I'll go into what it was in a minute....but I have had this total turnaround of what I think, what I feel, what I want, what I need, what I know. I've spent SO much time searching for answers, yet even when I've found them, I find a way to explain it away, justify it, issue another ultimatum. This time is different. First of all, there was no searching. This bit of info practically fell into my lap with little effort on my part. Second, even though before if I was being honest with myself I KNEW what was going on, it's different now....it's like my eyes just snapped open and I saw.....I saw the kind of man I'm married to and I saw exactly the horribleness he's capable of and I saw that I have no choice but to get out. And I actually see myself on the other side....and it's not such a bad thing.
Back in November, when DH was gone for 4 weeks, a thing came in the mail for him from a hotel....about a frequent stay program. DH travels quite a bit for work, so I didn't think TOO much of it....he gets lots of junk mail from airlines, hotels, rental car companies, etc. I did think enough of it that I stuck the letter in the back of one of my dresser drawers in case I needed it for future reference. Then about 5 weeks ago, a statement from the same chain came. I opened it....figuring if it was nothing or legitimate I'd just toss it in the trash and DH would be none the wiser. It had a stay at a hotel here in town, one night, in October....it was the Friday before he left for a month. I asked him about it and he of course had a story....a farfetched, ridiculous story.
So you might ask....how could he be so stupid as to sign up for a frequent stay program? What I would bet is that when you check in, even though you pay cash, you still have to give them your drivers license. They're not just going to give you a room with no identification. So they entered his info into their system and he was automatically enrolled in the program. A friend stayed at another hotel in the same chain and she said they told her that by making a reservation you're automatically enrolled. What I think happened is he went there on a Fri afternoon, spent the rest of the day there, came home in the evening and acted like nothing happened....and never went back to check out on Saturday - he just left the key there and obviously didn't need a receipt.
The day after I got the letter in the mail, but before DH came up with his half-assed explanations, I went to see our therapist alone. We talked about my last line in the sand, my final ultimatum....that if there was any contact whatsoever after August I was done. I told him that unless DH was able to come up with an explanation that made total sense, then I meant what I said - I am done. And I am. He's tried to act like things are normal. He kept trying to touch me until I finally told him that I've been extremely pissed for week and don't want him touching me. I have no idea what he's been doing for sex.....he could be getting it elsewhere for all I know, and I don't even care.
So my plan is now to hold on for a couple more weeks. My kids go on vacation with their grandma on July 10th, and I plan to tell him I want a divorce as close to that day as possible. Then hopefully he'll be out of here and if he acts like an ass he'll be over it by the time they get back. I have no idea how he'll react. I do think he'll be surprised, at least a little, even with how things have been going here. I think he just thinks he can do whatever he wants and I won't do anything about it. And I guess that was true for a while. But not anymore.
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