I think I am having panic attacks. Or maybe they're anxiety attacks. Are they the same?
Past 2 nights I've woken up with a super tight feeling my chest, feel like I can't breathe, and am just scared to death.. Of what....I don't know. Neither time have I remembered a bad dream I was having. I am able to calm myself down and then I'm fine.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
More on the opposite sex entry from a week or two ago
I JUST remembered something that at the time I thought was really weird.....but now.....I realize there could be something behind it....you just never know.
We have some neighbors across the street. "Bob" is a fireman and his home several days during the week with the kids while his wife is at work. "Susan" works full-time and is only home during the day on weekends. Both are extremely nice people and Bob seems to be a devoted husband and father. I don't say "seems to be" in a smart-ass way at all. He really does seem to be a truly decent guy. Susan and I are very friendly. I wouldn't call us great friends but we call to mooch stuff off each other, email back and forth on occasion, I've helped her out in a pinch with babysitting.
Now I don't make a habit of hanging out at Mr. Mom type guys' houses while their wives are at work. I've been over there a couple times when his wife isn't home....once to drop something off (can't remember if it was something I'd borrowed or something his wife wanted to borrow or what) and it was just a matter of running to the door, handing over the goods, and running back out to the car. Another time Bob invited me and another dad over for coffee while we were standing at the bus stop. I said yes before other dad could say no.....so I went and stayed just long enough to drink my coffee and make a little polite chitchat. Then last week Susan flagged me down as I was coming home from somewhere early in the morning....said she had a babysitting emergency and could I come stay with her kids (they're little) for just a few minutes until Bob got home from work....they have it timed perfectly and any little delay messes up the whole process. I was there 10 minutes before Bob showed up. We talked for a few minutes then I went home to start my day.
The first time I went over there, when I dropped something off, I called their house from my cell phone to see if Bob was there. Later that night, my cell phone rang and I saw that it was Bob and Susan's phone number on the caller ID. When I answered, they hung up. I put two and two together and realized that Susan saw a strange number on her caller ID and wanted to know who it was. Suspicious mind, for sure.
Both of the other times I've been there, Susan has called. And Bob has made some kind of joke about Susan calling to see if we're having an affair. First time was BA (BA = before affair), second time was AA (you can figure that one out :P). First time I was kinda like hardy har...lame joke. Second time when I realized it was her on the phone I thought "Are you KIDDING me?"
So for a long time I walked around thinking that Susan was terribly insecure. Now....well it could very well be that she is terribly insecure....but it could also be that she has reason to be suspicious.
I don't know....I just don't think "normal" women feel the need to do that. And for the record I'll be the first to admit that I'm not normal.
We have some neighbors across the street. "Bob" is a fireman and his home several days during the week with the kids while his wife is at work. "Susan" works full-time and is only home during the day on weekends. Both are extremely nice people and Bob seems to be a devoted husband and father. I don't say "seems to be" in a smart-ass way at all. He really does seem to be a truly decent guy. Susan and I are very friendly. I wouldn't call us great friends but we call to mooch stuff off each other, email back and forth on occasion, I've helped her out in a pinch with babysitting.
Now I don't make a habit of hanging out at Mr. Mom type guys' houses while their wives are at work. I've been over there a couple times when his wife isn't home....once to drop something off (can't remember if it was something I'd borrowed or something his wife wanted to borrow or what) and it was just a matter of running to the door, handing over the goods, and running back out to the car. Another time Bob invited me and another dad over for coffee while we were standing at the bus stop. I said yes before other dad could say no.....so I went and stayed just long enough to drink my coffee and make a little polite chitchat. Then last week Susan flagged me down as I was coming home from somewhere early in the morning....said she had a babysitting emergency and could I come stay with her kids (they're little) for just a few minutes until Bob got home from work....they have it timed perfectly and any little delay messes up the whole process. I was there 10 minutes before Bob showed up. We talked for a few minutes then I went home to start my day.
The first time I went over there, when I dropped something off, I called their house from my cell phone to see if Bob was there. Later that night, my cell phone rang and I saw that it was Bob and Susan's phone number on the caller ID. When I answered, they hung up. I put two and two together and realized that Susan saw a strange number on her caller ID and wanted to know who it was. Suspicious mind, for sure.
Both of the other times I've been there, Susan has called. And Bob has made some kind of joke about Susan calling to see if we're having an affair. First time was BA (BA = before affair), second time was AA (you can figure that one out :P). First time I was kinda like hardy har...lame joke. Second time when I realized it was her on the phone I thought "Are you KIDDING me?"
So for a long time I walked around thinking that Susan was terribly insecure. Now....well it could very well be that she is terribly insecure....but it could also be that she has reason to be suspicious.
I don't know....I just don't think "normal" women feel the need to do that. And for the record I'll be the first to admit that I'm not normal.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Taking leaps
I don't know if I'm just having a bad week or what (well, I KNOW I'm having a bad week - but I don't know if that's the reason I'm feeling this way) but I have come to the conclusion that I just can't live this way. I can't. I'm sad. I don't want to be sad....and "love" should not hurt like this. Love is supposed to feel good, right?
I guess I have known this for a while....just took me too long to admit it to myself. I have a hard time understanding why I can't just "take the leap". I think when the decision is EASY, I have an easy time making the decision. And EASY doesn't mean the decision is GOOD, either. Like getting involved with someone who came with a lot of baggage, having that extra drink when I had had enough already, dating assholes (I've dated others....not just this one. :P), buying that _______ (fill in the blank with whatever I've bought that I didn't need), yelling at the kids rather than dealing with them patiently, staying home for too long rather than getting a job when the kids all went to school full-time, eating garbage wen I wasn't even hungry. But when it's hard....like long-term hard, I just do nothing.
I'm rambling.
I guess I have known this for a while....just took me too long to admit it to myself. I have a hard time understanding why I can't just "take the leap". I think when the decision is EASY, I have an easy time making the decision. And EASY doesn't mean the decision is GOOD, either. Like getting involved with someone who came with a lot of baggage, having that extra drink when I had had enough already, dating assholes (I've dated others....not just this one. :P), buying that _______ (fill in the blank with whatever I've bought that I didn't need), yelling at the kids rather than dealing with them patiently, staying home for too long rather than getting a job when the kids all went to school full-time, eating garbage wen I wasn't even hungry. But when it's hard....like long-term hard, I just do nothing.
I'm rambling.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Miscellany
I was asked in a comment on my previous post how our last counseling session went. The answer is: eh...it was okay. Still love the doctor. Very straightforward, no sugar-coating at all. He says he sees us as "teetering", and he's absolutely right. At one point I did want to get up and high-five him, but I refrained. It's a long story....I won't go into the entire thing but in a nutshell here's what happened: Fri night DH was about 30 minutes late getting home. He had texted me that the road was closed due to an accident (there are accidents on this particular road almost daily - small ones, but there's a lot of traffic that goes through there). He is a lousy texter so half the time I don't even know what he's talking about. I ASSumed that he was sitting on the off ramp and was stuck there. So when I texted him in reply I had it all screwed up. What actually happened is he never got off the highway at his exit because he could see from the highway that the road was closed. He got off at the next exit and took the back way home. I wasn't upset in the first place.....had no reason for disbelief and really didn't care. When he got home and explained it I said "Oh....I had no clue what you were talking about". He said something about getting the 3rd degree. I dropped it, though my blood was boiling. It came up at our appointment the next day and doctor basically said he needed to learn to deal with the consequences of his actions. Though I did have to point out that there was actually no consequence in this case....I wasn't mad, didn't NOT believe him, I didn't think anything....it was a non-issue....but we've had similar incidences were I HAVE questioned him, though not for a very long time. DH doesn't like to be questioned....imagine that. Doctor said these conversations are the result of DH's choices, DH's actions....and he needs to understand that....that HE has caused this. If he feels like he's getting the 3rd degree, he needs to remember why that is. I wanted to get up and give him a big gigantic smooch....but I maintained composure. DH told him that he is always looking over his shoulder, thinking I'm going to be following him around to check up on his whereabouts. The doctor said "But she's not doing that.....you aren't going to do that, are you?" I said "Hell yes, I would if I had reason to. Right now....I don't have reason to, so no, I'm not."
I was driving somewhere a couple weeks ago. There are a few landmarks in our area that bring up very bad feelings for me, and they are often what gets my mind working overtime. I churn these thoughts over and over through my head and it's hard to turn them off. I was just thinking about how this whole time I've been living my life while trying to make a decision....do I stay or do I go? Then I wondered what would happen if I just tried to change my whole mindset....and instead live my life as if it's a given that we're staying together. And really, if that's what I wanted, I think that's what would happen. I think at one point DH would have left me in a minute if I'd kicked him out....but I think now he doesn't want that at all. I realize that that's not a novel idea.....to just assume that things are going to be okay and proceed through life like that.....people do that all the time. It's called various things, from head in the sand to optimism to sunny optimism. I'm not even sure I could do that. I am able to fool myself to some extent, but when you get right down to it, I'm a realist.
I have felt some changes come over me lately that are intriguing. For many months, I professed my love for DH. To put it bluntly, I was desperate. Desperate to be wanted, desperate for my life (and my kids' lives) to not change - and probably for the worse, desperate to not feel like I had no control. For the last 6 months or more, things have been a little different. DH tells me he loves me all the time. Sometimes I answer....more often I say nothing. I'm not MEAN to him, but I have certainly cooled off quite a bit. If he wants me, he has to earn it. I have to hand it to him a little bit....if I told someone I loved them daily for over 6 months and they rarely responded, I'd say "to hell with it"....but he keeps at it. But now....I find myself thinking other things...like "I might not love him after all". I never had really thought that until a couple weeks ago. Before that I thought I loved HIM, but hated what he did. Now....I'm not so sure.
I was driving somewhere a couple weeks ago. There are a few landmarks in our area that bring up very bad feelings for me, and they are often what gets my mind working overtime. I churn these thoughts over and over through my head and it's hard to turn them off. I was just thinking about how this whole time I've been living my life while trying to make a decision....do I stay or do I go? Then I wondered what would happen if I just tried to change my whole mindset....and instead live my life as if it's a given that we're staying together. And really, if that's what I wanted, I think that's what would happen. I think at one point DH would have left me in a minute if I'd kicked him out....but I think now he doesn't want that at all. I realize that that's not a novel idea.....to just assume that things are going to be okay and proceed through life like that.....people do that all the time. It's called various things, from head in the sand to optimism to sunny optimism. I'm not even sure I could do that. I am able to fool myself to some extent, but when you get right down to it, I'm a realist.
I have felt some changes come over me lately that are intriguing. For many months, I professed my love for DH. To put it bluntly, I was desperate. Desperate to be wanted, desperate for my life (and my kids' lives) to not change - and probably for the worse, desperate to not feel like I had no control. For the last 6 months or more, things have been a little different. DH tells me he loves me all the time. Sometimes I answer....more often I say nothing. I'm not MEAN to him, but I have certainly cooled off quite a bit. If he wants me, he has to earn it. I have to hand it to him a little bit....if I told someone I loved them daily for over 6 months and they rarely responded, I'd say "to hell with it"....but he keeps at it. But now....I find myself thinking other things...like "I might not love him after all". I never had really thought that until a couple weeks ago. Before that I thought I loved HIM, but hated what he did. Now....I'm not so sure.
Monday, March 2, 2009
The opposite sex
I found Isle Dance's comment on my last entry interesting....because I've been dealing with that issue a little bit myself. Not so much in terms of my own behavior, but someone else's.....
I have a few male friends. Mostly old friends from high school. I am not friends with any old boyfriends....most of my relationships didn't end amicably enough for that. I keep in touch with one of my guy friends on Facebook. We used to email quite a bit then he switched to a job where he wasn't in an office and I didn't hear from him for probably a year until he looked me up on Facebook. My other high school guy friends are not ones I get together with or even hear from very often, but when we see each other we usually hug. I am also pretty good friends with a male neighbor. DH knows and likes him too but neighbor and I talk a lot more. He does nice things for me but he does that kind of stuff for everyone....it's not just me.
I have never felt the need to pay attention to my behavior around the opposite sex at all. I have never ever been tempted to cheat, even now. Well...that's not true. I sometimes would like to do it for the hurt factor but there are so many other things that play into with me. I could never do it because of my kids, even if they never found out. I just think my kids deserve for me to be a better person than that. And if I were not married, I still think they deserve for me to be better than to become involved with a married man. I had a friend in high school whose mom was dating a married man. It was common knowledge....my friend knew, the other kids in her family knew, we all knew. It was disgusting to me, even then.
But with DH....I am much more possessive and jealous than I used to be. There are things that didn't bother me previously that bother me a lot. Here's the issue I've been dealing with: DH has a friend he's known for years and years. I'll call her Josie. Josie lives in another state, a state where DH lived in the 80s and they knew each other from work. They have stayed in touch, though not excessively. Josie sometimes emails him stuff at work (usually stupid forward things), she sends Christmas cards to the house, they will occasionally call each other. I don't think he's actually spoken to her in years. I know about all this....it's no secret. I have even met Josie. We travelled to where she lives once and I met her, her DH, her kid. Sometime in the last 4 months or so, her emails to DH have increased. They are not JUST to DH, which is what keeps me from getting TOTALLY pissed off about it....they are to a bunch of other people, both male and female. She sends pictures now....lots of them. Mostly of herself, and most of the time it's pretty obvious that she sends them because she thinks she looks good in them. I told DH several months ago that I think she must have gotten divorced. There are NO pictures of her husband, no mention of him whatsoever.....then a Christmas card came with just her and her kid's name. So DH called her (told me he was going to), got her voicemail, then she sent him an email saying she'd call him sometime when she had a chance. I told DH that it didn't used to bother me that she sent him emails and called every now and then, but the new wave of pictures is just too much. It bothers me. I told him that I don't think you can "own" a person, but he is MY husband....and it's inappropriate to send pictures of yourself, obviously in an attempt to show off and possibly garner compliments, to a married man, no matter what your intention is. And I don't think there is ANY intention there on either of their parts.....I just feel like it's inappropriate and insensitive. She doesn't know me....doesn't know anything about me, anything about our situation, doesn't really even know DH much anymore. I've tried to imagine what led to her divorce. Perhaps Josie's husband hurt her like mine has hurt me......and this is her way of trying to scrape her self esteem out of the gutter.
I DO think men and women can be friends....I am just much more leery than I was in the past.
I have a few male friends. Mostly old friends from high school. I am not friends with any old boyfriends....most of my relationships didn't end amicably enough for that. I keep in touch with one of my guy friends on Facebook. We used to email quite a bit then he switched to a job where he wasn't in an office and I didn't hear from him for probably a year until he looked me up on Facebook. My other high school guy friends are not ones I get together with or even hear from very often, but when we see each other we usually hug. I am also pretty good friends with a male neighbor. DH knows and likes him too but neighbor and I talk a lot more. He does nice things for me but he does that kind of stuff for everyone....it's not just me.
I have never felt the need to pay attention to my behavior around the opposite sex at all. I have never ever been tempted to cheat, even now. Well...that's not true. I sometimes would like to do it for the hurt factor but there are so many other things that play into with me. I could never do it because of my kids, even if they never found out. I just think my kids deserve for me to be a better person than that. And if I were not married, I still think they deserve for me to be better than to become involved with a married man. I had a friend in high school whose mom was dating a married man. It was common knowledge....my friend knew, the other kids in her family knew, we all knew. It was disgusting to me, even then.
But with DH....I am much more possessive and jealous than I used to be. There are things that didn't bother me previously that bother me a lot. Here's the issue I've been dealing with: DH has a friend he's known for years and years. I'll call her Josie. Josie lives in another state, a state where DH lived in the 80s and they knew each other from work. They have stayed in touch, though not excessively. Josie sometimes emails him stuff at work (usually stupid forward things), she sends Christmas cards to the house, they will occasionally call each other. I don't think he's actually spoken to her in years. I know about all this....it's no secret. I have even met Josie. We travelled to where she lives once and I met her, her DH, her kid. Sometime in the last 4 months or so, her emails to DH have increased. They are not JUST to DH, which is what keeps me from getting TOTALLY pissed off about it....they are to a bunch of other people, both male and female. She sends pictures now....lots of them. Mostly of herself, and most of the time it's pretty obvious that she sends them because she thinks she looks good in them. I told DH several months ago that I think she must have gotten divorced. There are NO pictures of her husband, no mention of him whatsoever.....then a Christmas card came with just her and her kid's name. So DH called her (told me he was going to), got her voicemail, then she sent him an email saying she'd call him sometime when she had a chance. I told DH that it didn't used to bother me that she sent him emails and called every now and then, but the new wave of pictures is just too much. It bothers me. I told him that I don't think you can "own" a person, but he is MY husband....and it's inappropriate to send pictures of yourself, obviously in an attempt to show off and possibly garner compliments, to a married man, no matter what your intention is. And I don't think there is ANY intention there on either of their parts.....I just feel like it's inappropriate and insensitive. She doesn't know me....doesn't know anything about me, anything about our situation, doesn't really even know DH much anymore. I've tried to imagine what led to her divorce. Perhaps Josie's husband hurt her like mine has hurt me......and this is her way of trying to scrape her self esteem out of the gutter.
I DO think men and women can be friends....I am just much more leery than I was in the past.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)