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To respond to some of the comments on my previous post......

.....not running anymore. I had to give it up. I have had horrible hip pain on and off for years, since my last pregnancy. When I was running, it didn't hurt at the time but it sure hurt bad later. Really bad....it took me forever to get out of bed every morning and get moving. I had never been to a chiropractor before and was a little leery of them, but a friend recommended a really good one so I decided to give him a shot. He recommened no running until I get this figured out....and he actually doesn't recommend running for anyone over age 25. !!!! I would still like to get back into running a couple miles a day. Quick and effective. So we'll see. He said he could have me all fixed up in maybe 6 weeks. In the meantime he doesn't even want me to walk for exercise....he said he'd prefer biking or swimming. Neither of which appeal to me.

I am trying not to beat myself up for not taking action on what I know I need to do. But I also know that I WILL do it. I try to imagine if there are any circumstances that would make me change my mind....and I really can't think of any except perhaps terminal illness (God forbid) or some kind of major financial disaster or something....I don't know. My mind is made up.

I am not getting sucked back, which is what has happened in the past. Not interested, won't allow it, won't even allow an attempt at it. So I'm definitely in a different place mentally than I have been.

I'm alive!!!

In case you were afraid I wasn't....I thought I'd better check in.

I'll get right to the point. I've decided to get out of my marriage. Now...keep in mind that it took me over a year to come to that decision. Who the hell knows how long it will take me to actually DO it. I feel like I am perched on the edge of a cliff, just waiting to leap....and I just can't do it. I feel like if someone would just give me a shove, I'd fly....I'd soar....I'd be taking that leap.

What's holding me back is my kids. It's not him. I don't want him. I don't love him. I don't even like him anymore. We are nice enough to each other but I don't want him to touch me, I don't want to go anywhere with him unless absolutely necessary or if it's with the rest of the family. I just think about my dear, sweet kids....and how their whole life is going to change. It's really awful.

Had an interesting thing happen on Sunday. I went to Sam's Club. Turned into the frozen aisle and saw HER. She had parked her cart about 3/4 of the way down the aisle and apparently walked ahead to look at something. She walked back to get the cart, and she saw me before I saw her. When I noticed her, she was already looking at me. I didn't turn away...I deliberately stared at her but didn't do anything else. She grabbed her cart and hightailed it out of there. She was with someone else who was not her husband, so it wasn't like she could up and leave the store. Saw her a couple more times in the store then in the parking lot. I am so glad I didn't have my kids with me. I don't want her looking at them, as stupid as that sounds. I told H about it the following day. I didn't tell him when I came home because if he got crappy about it I would most certainly go off on him. He didn't really say much...what could he say? But later he sent me an email asking me what his reaction was supposed to be to that. I said whatever the hell he wanted it to be. What a stupid question. So today I asked him if he thought I shouldn't have brought it up....and he said he didn't understand why I even told him. Huh? Really...it is amazing that I've never seen her any other time....but still, it is a fairly noteworthy event. It would even be traumatic to some....and I think if I still cared it would be traumatic to me. Just another example of the insensitive ass I chose for a husband.

On a brighter note....I'm taking a weekend trip to NYC in about 6 weeks and cannot wait! I'm going with a friend and her 19 yr old daughter. Should be fun!

And on a weird note.....the PI I hired to follow H last year? He's been emailing me and asking me out for coffee. Not really quite sure how to take those invitations.....I'm pretty sure he's married....but I've chosen to just ignore them.

Born to run...that's me :)

Ok...born to run is a little bit of an exaggeration. But I got this wild idea a few weeks ago that I wanted to start running. So I found information on line about the Couch to 5k program. You're supposed to be able to run a 5k within 9 weeks. The program starts really slow and you increase your running time and distance every week. I am on week 4 now. I never thought I'd say it...but I actually rather enjoy it. Sometimes I have to say to myself "I CAN DO THIS" over and over...and over and over and over. Funny how that applies to my running and my life. I can do this.

Been a long time....

I have posted anything in over a month. Not that nothing's been going on....just haven't made the time to do it.

I had something come up in the last month. I'll go into what it was in a minute....but I have had this total turnaround of what I think, what I feel, what I want, what I need, what I know. I've spent SO much time searching for answers, yet even when I've found them, I find a way to explain it away, justify it, issue another ultimatum. This time is different. First of all, there was no searching. This bit of info practically fell into my lap with little effort on my part. Second, even though before if I was being honest with myself I KNEW what was going on, it's different now....it's like my eyes just snapped open and I saw.....I saw the kind of man I'm married to and I saw exactly the horribleness he's capable of and I saw that I have no choice but to get out. And I actually see myself on the other side....and it's not such a bad thing.

Back in November, when DH was gone for 4 weeks, a thing came in the mail for him from a hotel....about a frequent stay program. DH travels quite a bit for work, so I didn't think TOO much of it....he gets lots of junk mail from airlines, hotels, rental car companies, etc. I did think enough of it that I stuck the letter in the back of one of my dresser drawers in case I needed it for future reference. Then about 5 weeks ago, a statement from the same chain came. I opened it....figuring if it was nothing or legitimate I'd just toss it in the trash and DH would be none the wiser. It had a stay at a hotel here in town, one night, in October....it was the Friday before he left for a month. I asked him about it and he of course had a story....a farfetched, ridiculous story.

So you might ask....how could he be so stupid as to sign up for a frequent stay program? What I would bet is that when you check in, even though you pay cash, you still have to give them your drivers license. They're not just going to give you a room with no identification. So they entered his info into their system and he was automatically enrolled in the program. A friend stayed at another hotel in the same chain and she said they told her that by making a reservation you're automatically enrolled. What I think happened is he went there on a Fri afternoon, spent the rest of the day there, came home in the evening and acted like nothing happened....and never went back to check out on Saturday - he just left the key there and obviously didn't need a receipt.

The day after I got the letter in the mail, but before DH came up with his half-assed explanations, I went to see our therapist alone. We talked about my last line in the sand, my final ultimatum....that if there was any contact whatsoever after August I was done. I told him that unless DH was able to come up with an explanation that made total sense, then I meant what I said - I am done. And I am. He's tried to act like things are normal. He kept trying to touch me until I finally told him that I've been extremely pissed for week and don't want him touching me. I have no idea what he's been doing for sex.....he could be getting it elsewhere for all I know, and I don't even care.

So my plan is now to hold on for a couple more weeks. My kids go on vacation with their grandma on July 10th, and I plan to tell him I want a divorce as close to that day as possible. Then hopefully he'll be out of here and if he acts like an ass he'll be over it by the time they get back. I have no idea how he'll react. I do think he'll be surprised, at least a little, even with how things have been going here. I think he just thinks he can do whatever he wants and I won't do anything about it. And I guess that was true for a while. But not anymore.

A step up (or maybe it's down?) from Dr Phil....

...is something I saw on Desperate Housewives a couple weeks ago that just struck a nerve with me. If you don't watch you won't know who this character is, but the comment was made by Carl....Susan's ex-husband and Bree's divorce attorney. I know Carl is a total cad but I've always liked the character....he's so bad he's amusing. Anyway...Bree was having second thoughts about divorcing her husband and started to say "if I tried hard enough blah blah blah". Carl said that he knew what she was going to say. She was going to say that he isn't that bad, and Carl said "he IS that bad".

When we watched that show, DH just laughed and laughed at that part. Maybe he found it funny because he saw himself in it, but somehow I don't think so. Just reminded me how every time I think DH can't be "that bad", he's proven me wrong. :(

Laugh if you want....

....but you can learn a lot from Dr. Phil. His no-bullshit, lay-it-on-the-line common sense is just what I need sometimes. Too bad he can't reach through the TV and kick me in the seat of the pants.

Yesterday's show was not about infidelity, but there was a couple on there with major issues. Both of them. He was an ass and she allowed herself to be treated like total shit. Sound familiar??? I went on the website and he had a list of 5 questions you need to ask yourself if you're considering divorce: 1) Are you still in love with your spouse? 2) Are you angry? 3) Are you hurt? 4) Are you confused? 5) Are you scared? He says if you answer yes to any of the questions, you have work to do and are not ready to leave the marriage. He said you are not ready until you can look each other in the eye and feel peace, no hatred, no resentment. Very interesting....and seems impossible. But I think I may be getting there. This time last year, my answers were all a resounding yes. Now I'm down to I don't know, yes, not as much, not really, and yes.

How do you turn your mind off....and other stuff

DH's sweetness didn't last....the imposter is gone and same old same old is back in his place, which isn't ALL bad, but there are some ups and downs. He was perfect and sweet and kind and loving, and within a matter of days, he was acting kind of like a shit again. Sunday morning I asked him if anything was wrong because he acted like he'd rather be anywhere but with me, and he said "that's what you're acting like". The conversation ended right there because couldn't we go 'round and 'round with that forever? I felt like saying "I know you are but what am ??? INFINITY", but I refrained. :P So we had an interesting therapy session on Monday. I brought up how DH had been acting for the last week or so, and Dr asked how that made me feel. I told him that after more than a day or so of that, I start to wonder what in the hell is going on....if something's going on to make him distant or if it's just the stress of work, day-to-day stuff, etc. I was explaining that I can be going along, feeling perfect fine, then a thought or two pops into my head, then that grows....more thoughts, more doubts, more bad feelings. DH said he feels the same way often....that I'm not going to ever forgive him, that I won't ever trust him, that I'm going to leave him. Dr came up with a good analogy....said it's like when you're watching TV and really into a show, and then this annoying banner comes scrolling across the bottom of the screen. He said you try to enjoy your show, but all you can see is that stupid banner....saying "she's going to leave me anyway", or whatever negative thought keeps popping up. So he says we both need to change our what our banners say......because if he's not up to anything, HE'S not the one torturing me anymore, I'm torturing myself. So....I guess I need to "change what my banner says" but I sure have a hard time turning my mind off. And I guess no matter what happens with our marriage, I don't really want to spend my life turning this stuff over and over and over in my mind, do I? It has to stop somewhere. But I guess the bottom line is I DON'T trust him....even if I really don't THINK anything is amiss, I don't put anything past him at all. I guess in the back of my mind I just have the thought that maybe he really is just an awful, awful person who wants to do whatever it is he wants without disrupting his life and putting up with any grief. And I wonder if that will ever go away. It's a really sucky thought to have.


Heard from my friend this morning.....her daughter has this friend whose dad is a very successful attorney. They have 4 children, multi-million dollar home. Friend's mother is very sweet, very beautiful. Her husband told her in February that he was leaving her and was involved with someone else. As if that wasn't bad enough, now he's saying he wants custody of the kids, want the house, and wants to ruin her. She said she hadn't even known anything was wrong, and now he wants to ruin her? She has no idea where that is coming from. On the one hand, I couldn't help but think that at least he's being honest with her, but why would he want to rake her over the coals like that? People can be horrible to each other.