Perfection

I got a book at the library last week that I've read reviews of in several magazines and newspapers. It's called Perfection, by Julie Metz. It's about this woman whose husband dies and she finds out after he's dead that he's had affairs with 5 other women, one of them a friend. He is basically a pig. Originally, before I actually read the book, I thought they'd had this perfect storybook marriage and all she found out after was a total shock. I think she was shocked (I think it would be hard not to be shocked, even if you KNEW your husband was a pig) but their marriage was far from idyllic. He was a jerk.....and he is sometimes eerily similar to another jerk I know.

The end is coming very near here, with MY jerk. I despise him at times, tolerate him at others. I really think he'd go on like this forever just to maintain the status quo. So it's really up to me. There are days I come THIS CLOSE to saying "I don't want to be here anymore" but I think about my girls and it just about kills me. I know it's inevitable....logically I know what I have to do and I know what has to happen. But the whole thing still makes my heart hurt.

Oddly though....I DO feel better. Life is so much different now that I am not wanting to stay together. I'm not hopeful, only to have my hopes dashed each and every time. I don't give any more chances....because I've given too many as it is and he doesn't deserve anymore. Ever. I don't spend my life wondering anymore, or searching, or verifying, or ANYTHING.

One really really good thing: I haven't had a cigarette in 4 weeks. It will be 4 weeks tomorrow. Before that, I'd smoked since March 2007, so almost 2 years. Not a ton on a daily basis, but every single day I'd say "today is the day I'm quitting". But I wouldn't quit. Then I'd be disgusted with myself. My last one was on Dec 18th. I never smoked over the weekends anyway, and I was working the following Tuesday - with a friend who would KILL me if she smelled smoke on me, then on Wednesday the girls would be home for Christmas break. My only chance would have been Monday and I decided it wasn't even worth it for just one day. So I gave them up. The girls have been back in school two weeks and I've had ample opportunity to smoke but I haven't. I think I finally passed that point where the benefits of not smoking meant more to me than the fix. I think if I could have one without getting hooked again I probably would. But I don't think that's possible. At least not for a long long time.

I am such a neglectful blogger :(

I got a comment from Anonymous wishing me a happy Thanksgiving and I realized that I haven't blogged in over 2 months. I'm such a slacker. Actually not blogging is a good sign with me. When my blogs were frequent and rambling, I was in a bad place mentally. I could think of nothing but my situation.....my mind raced. Now.....in some ways things are a million times better. Some things are the same. But *I* am back. I am pretty much ME again.

H is still around. But things are so so so different now. For months and months, I focused on him and us and getting away alone and talking and working on things....ad nauseum. Now, I worry about my kids and I worry about myself. He is welcome to hang out on the periphery as long as he stays out of my way, but he and our relationship no longer take center stage. I no longer hope that things will work out. I know they won't and I don't even want them to. I want to be left alone. I haven't touched him except for ONE HUG in 6 months. I sleep on an inch of bed with my back turned to him every night. He occasionally tries to cuddle up to me, and that's my cue to get up for the day. Before you say it....I already know that this is no way to live. But as far as taking the final step....I struggle with it so much. Not for myself, but because of my kids.

I know I don't sound happy, but in many ways I am. No longer holding onto that delusional thinking that things will really work out is so freeing. I used to think of the future with just me and my kids as a negative thing.....now I imagine it as being peaceful and happy. I will get there eventually.

Comments

To respond to some of the comments on my previous post......

.....not running anymore. I had to give it up. I have had horrible hip pain on and off for years, since my last pregnancy. When I was running, it didn't hurt at the time but it sure hurt bad later. Really bad....it took me forever to get out of bed every morning and get moving. I had never been to a chiropractor before and was a little leery of them, but a friend recommended a really good one so I decided to give him a shot. He recommened no running until I get this figured out....and he actually doesn't recommend running for anyone over age 25. !!!! I would still like to get back into running a couple miles a day. Quick and effective. So we'll see. He said he could have me all fixed up in maybe 6 weeks. In the meantime he doesn't even want me to walk for exercise....he said he'd prefer biking or swimming. Neither of which appeal to me.

I am trying not to beat myself up for not taking action on what I know I need to do. But I also know that I WILL do it. I try to imagine if there are any circumstances that would make me change my mind....and I really can't think of any except perhaps terminal illness (God forbid) or some kind of major financial disaster or something....I don't know. My mind is made up.

I am not getting sucked back, which is what has happened in the past. Not interested, won't allow it, won't even allow an attempt at it. So I'm definitely in a different place mentally than I have been.

I'm alive!!!

In case you were afraid I wasn't....I thought I'd better check in.

I'll get right to the point. I've decided to get out of my marriage. Now...keep in mind that it took me over a year to come to that decision. Who the hell knows how long it will take me to actually DO it. I feel like I am perched on the edge of a cliff, just waiting to leap....and I just can't do it. I feel like if someone would just give me a shove, I'd fly....I'd soar....I'd be taking that leap.

What's holding me back is my kids. It's not him. I don't want him. I don't love him. I don't even like him anymore. We are nice enough to each other but I don't want him to touch me, I don't want to go anywhere with him unless absolutely necessary or if it's with the rest of the family. I just think about my dear, sweet kids....and how their whole life is going to change. It's really awful.

Had an interesting thing happen on Sunday. I went to Sam's Club. Turned into the frozen aisle and saw HER. She had parked her cart about 3/4 of the way down the aisle and apparently walked ahead to look at something. She walked back to get the cart, and she saw me before I saw her. When I noticed her, she was already looking at me. I didn't turn away...I deliberately stared at her but didn't do anything else. She grabbed her cart and hightailed it out of there. She was with someone else who was not her husband, so it wasn't like she could up and leave the store. Saw her a couple more times in the store then in the parking lot. I am so glad I didn't have my kids with me. I don't want her looking at them, as stupid as that sounds. I told H about it the following day. I didn't tell him when I came home because if he got crappy about it I would most certainly go off on him. He didn't really say much...what could he say? But later he sent me an email asking me what his reaction was supposed to be to that. I said whatever the hell he wanted it to be. What a stupid question. So today I asked him if he thought I shouldn't have brought it up....and he said he didn't understand why I even told him. Huh? Really...it is amazing that I've never seen her any other time....but still, it is a fairly noteworthy event. It would even be traumatic to some....and I think if I still cared it would be traumatic to me. Just another example of the insensitive ass I chose for a husband.

On a brighter note....I'm taking a weekend trip to NYC in about 6 weeks and cannot wait! I'm going with a friend and her 19 yr old daughter. Should be fun!

And on a weird note.....the PI I hired to follow H last year? He's been emailing me and asking me out for coffee. Not really quite sure how to take those invitations.....I'm pretty sure he's married....but I've chosen to just ignore them.

Born to run...that's me :)

Ok...born to run is a little bit of an exaggeration. But I got this wild idea a few weeks ago that I wanted to start running. So I found information on line about the Couch to 5k program. You're supposed to be able to run a 5k within 9 weeks. The program starts really slow and you increase your running time and distance every week. I am on week 4 now. I never thought I'd say it...but I actually rather enjoy it. Sometimes I have to say to myself "I CAN DO THIS" over and over...and over and over and over. Funny how that applies to my running and my life. I can do this.

Been a long time....

I have posted anything in over a month. Not that nothing's been going on....just haven't made the time to do it.

I had something come up in the last month. I'll go into what it was in a minute....but I have had this total turnaround of what I think, what I feel, what I want, what I need, what I know. I've spent SO much time searching for answers, yet even when I've found them, I find a way to explain it away, justify it, issue another ultimatum. This time is different. First of all, there was no searching. This bit of info practically fell into my lap with little effort on my part. Second, even though before if I was being honest with myself I KNEW what was going on, it's different now....it's like my eyes just snapped open and I saw.....I saw the kind of man I'm married to and I saw exactly the horribleness he's capable of and I saw that I have no choice but to get out. And I actually see myself on the other side....and it's not such a bad thing.

Back in November, when DH was gone for 4 weeks, a thing came in the mail for him from a hotel....about a frequent stay program. DH travels quite a bit for work, so I didn't think TOO much of it....he gets lots of junk mail from airlines, hotels, rental car companies, etc. I did think enough of it that I stuck the letter in the back of one of my dresser drawers in case I needed it for future reference. Then about 5 weeks ago, a statement from the same chain came. I opened it....figuring if it was nothing or legitimate I'd just toss it in the trash and DH would be none the wiser. It had a stay at a hotel here in town, one night, in October....it was the Friday before he left for a month. I asked him about it and he of course had a story....a farfetched, ridiculous story.

So you might ask....how could he be so stupid as to sign up for a frequent stay program? What I would bet is that when you check in, even though you pay cash, you still have to give them your drivers license. They're not just going to give you a room with no identification. So they entered his info into their system and he was automatically enrolled in the program. A friend stayed at another hotel in the same chain and she said they told her that by making a reservation you're automatically enrolled. What I think happened is he went there on a Fri afternoon, spent the rest of the day there, came home in the evening and acted like nothing happened....and never went back to check out on Saturday - he just left the key there and obviously didn't need a receipt.

The day after I got the letter in the mail, but before DH came up with his half-assed explanations, I went to see our therapist alone. We talked about my last line in the sand, my final ultimatum....that if there was any contact whatsoever after August I was done. I told him that unless DH was able to come up with an explanation that made total sense, then I meant what I said - I am done. And I am. He's tried to act like things are normal. He kept trying to touch me until I finally told him that I've been extremely pissed for week and don't want him touching me. I have no idea what he's been doing for sex.....he could be getting it elsewhere for all I know, and I don't even care.

So my plan is now to hold on for a couple more weeks. My kids go on vacation with their grandma on July 10th, and I plan to tell him I want a divorce as close to that day as possible. Then hopefully he'll be out of here and if he acts like an ass he'll be over it by the time they get back. I have no idea how he'll react. I do think he'll be surprised, at least a little, even with how things have been going here. I think he just thinks he can do whatever he wants and I won't do anything about it. And I guess that was true for a while. But not anymore.

A step up (or maybe it's down?) from Dr Phil....

...is something I saw on Desperate Housewives a couple weeks ago that just struck a nerve with me. If you don't watch you won't know who this character is, but the comment was made by Carl....Susan's ex-husband and Bree's divorce attorney. I know Carl is a total cad but I've always liked the character....he's so bad he's amusing. Anyway...Bree was having second thoughts about divorcing her husband and started to say "if I tried hard enough blah blah blah". Carl said that he knew what she was going to say. She was going to say that he isn't that bad, and Carl said "he IS that bad".

When we watched that show, DH just laughed and laughed at that part. Maybe he found it funny because he saw himself in it, but somehow I don't think so. Just reminded me how every time I think DH can't be "that bad", he's proven me wrong. :(