Happy for me, sad for my kids.....getting out of my marriage, getting on with my life.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

All is (mostly) well again

I find it so frustrating that my moods & feelings can turn on a dime. I can be pretty fine, as fine as I can be anyway, and then suddenly I have all these negative thoughts and suspicions and assumptions that weren't there the day before.

But on the bright side, I can switch from feeling down to back up again in the same way....which is what happened last week. By the time we went for our massages Fri evening, rational me had realized that we've been for massages twice together since he went back In Feb....and I hadn't even known about that then. Why should I let knowledge of something that was no surprise ruin this for me? So I didn't. We went....it was nice and relaxing and fun. Though later DH said he looked over at me one time while I was laying on my back and he saw a tear in the corner of my eye.

We had a nice weekend. We haven't had a bad one in weeks now. Both of us are much more relaxed now....but mostly I have changed and that has helped things tremendously. For a while I was on a constant search for information.....to confirm that something WAS still going on, to RULE OUT that anything was going on.....I was driving both of us nuts. Now my feeling is that if something WAS going on, I will know....the truth will come out at some point. I've just quit looking for trouble, because when you look hard enough you can make anything mean something.

This Fri we see Dr O and I get to tell her I've changed my mind. I will screw up her plans for the whole session I'm sure. But I think she'll be happy. I do think I would have done better w/all the information I wanted from him if he'd been forthcoming with it when I asked in the first place. I think now....I'm past that phase and to find out some of this stuff now IS much more harmful than helpful.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

I am sad

It's amazing what one bad thing, one upsetting piece of data, can do to my mental state. I had been feeling pretty up, and really I do feel good most days. But yesterday threw me for a loop. And there's really no reason. Nothing NEW happened. It was not a surprise. It's not like I didn't basically already know this information. Why did I get so upset?
After we went to bed last night, I told DH that he is right, Dr O is right....the details are more hurtful than helpful and cause me to fixate on the wrong things. He said he doesn't necessarily consider himself to be "right"...he is just going by what two professionals advised him to do, and by how I've reacted previously to receiving any details. I cried so hard last night. I just hurt. It's the only way to describe it...just plain old pain.
So today I'm dealing w/the after-effects of yesterday. Just general sadness, doom and gloom, mopiness. The what-ifs are rearing their ugly heads as well. But I am determined to deal w/what I know, the facts I have....and I really just have no evidence of anything at all. The thought just crosses my mind every now and then (at least way less often than it used to)....why would they NOT be involved still? Obviously it is something they are both capable of.
I did explain a lot of this to Dr. O yesterday....that I have quit (not totally obviously!) torturing myself with the what-ifs and am working on dealing only with the cards I have in front of me. I have also quit trying to stop anything from happening....not that I've had that opportunity in a long time. But used to, particulary w/the Blackberry, I'd be all over him, hanging over his shoulder, watching his every move, figuring I'd be able to head off him sending any emails. Now I think why? Why do that? I can't stop anyone from doing anything, plus I'm not with him 24 hours a day....I can't control over 12 hours a day while he's gone from home durng the week, so why did I think controlling the few hours in the evenings and then weekends was doing any good? My philosophy now is that if there is any truth to come out, it will. At some point, it will.
I can be such a mess sometimes.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Got one of my questions answered in a roundabout way....

...a little backstory: we had our counseling appointment today. Dr. O never read the article, which kind of bugged me, but we did discuss it some. She still is adamant that I don't need to know the details....that they will cause obsession. DH is adamant that I don't need the details (he is probably adamant for various reasons, but one is that he thinks it will cause obsession). I was adamant that I deserved the details if I wanted them. It was not a bad scene but definitely not one of the most pleasant experiences I've had. She asked us to please not discuss this any further until our next appointment, at which point we'd see what kind of compromise we could come to. I did tell DH later that I don't think there's a right or wrong answer to this. Some people need to know details. Some people would rather be in the dark. He obviously doesn't want to share anything that will make him look worse than he already does, or make either of us FEEL worse than we already do.

So this afternoon, I made us massage appointments for Friday. Someone recently gave us gift certificates and we're going to use them. We emailed back and forth about them a little. We have been going to another place for massages and I asked DH if that was the only place he'd ever been. He said no, that to answer one of my questions, that was a gift she gave him for Valentine's Day - a massage. I wrote him back with a couple related questions, which he found annoying and he pointed out that this is exactly what Dr. O was talking about. I wrote him back and said if he'd answered all these questions ages ago when I'd first asked them, they'd be a thing of the past now. I also told him that although finding that out hurt a lot worse than I thought it would, I appreciated his honesty. He wrote back that he was pissed off. I told him that I'm not (though it does piss me off some if I were being totally honest - which I'm not obviously)....because if I ask him a question and he gives me an honest answer, it really is unfair to get angry at him. I'm not really mad at HIM...just over the whole damn situation. Kinda puts a damper on my massage Friday. :( But I'm not going to let this ruin it for me. I didn't ask if she went with him. Or what he did the rest of the day (that was one of the days he took off work and I didn't know what he did - the other day they went to the movies).

So now I am rethinking my need to know philosophy. I think I may still want to know all the things I think I want to know, but I am going to sit on it all week. We won't discuss it again. I may decide they're right. I did tell DH that I think what I want is for him to be WILLING to tell me what I want to know. I think if he said "I'll tell you whatever you want", I may very well decide I want to know nothing.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Article on needing to know the details

I hope this link works....this is the article that has had me thinking that I do deserve to be told the details if I want them (I always thought I "deserved" it but thought maybe I ought to just let it go).

http://www.infidelity.com/index.cfm/event/article/class/Trouble-Suspicion/articleId/439.html

I am not real sure about Peggy Vaughan. I haven't seen her book but have read a little about her on a few websites. I kind of skimmed over the part about the Oprah show. The two bits of the article that I identified with the most were the analogies and the door/window and the puzzle with missing pieces.

I feel like if I could express myself better, I could have written the same article about my own feelings!

Questions, lies, details

I have been thinking a lot about the details of DH's affair. Not the sex so much (though I do have a couple fairly vague questions about that)....just other things I really want to know. Like did he ever go to her house, what gifts did she give him and does he still have them, had her husband suspected and confronted her or was he totally in the dark, when was the first time they ever got together outside the gym (that's where they met) and where did they go. Nothing earth-shattering....just little questions that roll around in my brain.....things that if I knew what really happened, I'd probably quit thinking of them.

DH has answered a lot of questions. He has been very truthful about many things. He never denied he was having an affair (though he may have if I'd confronted him with no proof). He told me many details. There are some questions he just wouldn't answer. They were no worse than some of the questions he HAD answered....I think he just felt like I didn't need to know or that the answers were irrelevant.

This is a subject I've been thinking about a lot lately. I came across an article on an infidelity website about the need to know the details, and so much of it hit home with me. It said that withholding the details continues to keep the betrayed spouse on the outside.....and allows the betrayer to keep secrets with the OP (other person - I prefer to call her CWBS, which stands for something not real nice :P). I think that has been what's really bothered me the most all along about the things he won't tell me....he should not be allowed the comfort of not having to tell me. If I want to know so I can feel that I'm inside again, then he needs to tell me.

DH's counselor said not to tell me the details. I wasn't there when it was discussed obviously, but I THINK that his reasoning was it would just hurt me further and serve no purpose. OUR counselor said I didn't need the details either, but her reasoning was I could ask a million questions and still have a million more....I think she felt it would just feed on itself and I would obsess more and more....because for a while I was certainly prone to obsessing.

But now....3 months into this mess.....which isn't so messy anymore now that I think about it....I DO still have questions. And I don't have a million questions either....probably a dozen. Last Wednesday at our appointment, I gave our counselor a copy of the article that really got me thinking about this again. It explained my feelings so well that I really think I could have written it myself.

In anticipation of her MAYBE suggesting that DH should answer some of my questions, I have made a list of things I want to know. I go back occasionally and purge things or add things. Having it there in black and white in front of me makes me really think: does this matter to me anymore? Do I really want to know this? What if the answer is "bad"...maybe some of these are questions I should put away for later.

I've also been reading a good book called "Tell Me No Lies", obviously about lying but it deals w/lying and honesty in relationships. Our counselor recommended it and frankly I've hated just about every book she's suggested but this one is pretty good. I am often what the authors call a "lie invitee". A lie invitee encourages her partner to lie by her reaction to the truth.....she uses negative body language, angry outbursts, crying, and other undesirable behaviors in reaction to a truth she doesn't like. I think that is a natural thing to do when something upsets you, but it does not invite the other person to be honest with you in the future. So I have to really work on my reactions if I'd like answers to some of these questions.

I am a such a work in progress.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

Counseling woes

I don't know why I post this stuff....I only have 2 readers. I could just email the 2 of you. But this is more fun.

On Wednesday, we had our first counseling session that didn't seem like it was productive. She has us do this communication thing where one of us is the intiator and the other is the inquisitor. It is actually very effective and while we may not use that exact method, we are doing better with communicating. So Wednesday was DH's turn to initiate, and he said he didn't really have anything to discuss. She pressured him to come up with something and he did eventually pull some stuff out of his ass. I won't go into the whole thing (it's not that interesting), but at one point he said he does certain things to be mean to me on purpose. Out of everything he said that day, that was the one thing that stood out. I went home and cried a little....it just made me so sad. That night we talked and I asked him why in the world, after all we've been through, would he TRY to be mean to me? The question seemed to catch him off guard, and the next afternoon he sent an email apologizing. Said he had no idea that bothered me, that that wasn't really what he meant, he misspoke (he sounds like Hilary!). What he had been talking about was that he feels I am testing him a lot, so sometimes he tests ME to see what I would do in a situation....and that that could be construed as being mean because I am not the one who has done anything to deserve being tested. I am not entirely sure that I get his point but I do appreciate that he spent the whole next day thinking about how much he'd hurt my feelings and was compelled to apologize.

He did point out something that I'd kind of noticed but had never said anything about. The counselor seems to try to defend him a lot. DH says he knows he did something wrong and doesn't need or deserve someone on his side. An example from Wednesday is DH was talking about how now that he doesn't use his Blackberry hardly at all (I think he mostly uses it during the day to catch up on email while sitting in the many meetings he goes to) that he often feels behind at work. He doesn't like to go in on the weekends because he hates making the drive, so he hardly ever does that. I mentioned that he'd have more time at work if he didn't go to the gym in the mornings AND the evenings. She immediately said "oh, no....you don't want to take that away from him". I had suggested nothing remotely like that. I was stating a fact: he doesn't get to work early or stay late because he goes to the gym. Period. DH knew what I meant. I wasn't passing any kind of judgment on working out twice a day (though I do think it's ridiculous).

I told DH that we need to bring these things up with her. We are paying her. If she's doing things we don't find beneficial, then we need to tell her. So we'll have to think on that.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Support

DH and I have been seeing a counselor together for a couple months now. I think we are getting a lot out of it. We have an appointment tomorrow after several weeks off because she was out of town. I am actually looking forward to it, oddly. I will be happy to report that we've really had a pretty smooth three weeks, with only one bad blip.

I have thought for a while that I need to someone on my own though. I have all these thoughts and images in my head that I really want to just go away. I realize that they may never go away. But I can learn to deal with them better, handle them in a way that isn't so paralyzing. When I have bad days, I can sit and think and have myself so worked up and upset that I'm crying and agonizing. I just feel like I want to move beyond that.

So over the weekend I had been searching online for some infidelity resources. I came across one that I am very interested in. It is called BAN - Beyond Affairs Network. It was founded by a Canadian woman. She has a book called (something like) "My Husband's Affair Was the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me". I may never agree with THAT statement as it pertains to my own life, but the book looks very interesting. I ordered a copy and it should arrive tomorrow. I also contacted the closest BAN chapter and think I will attend a meeting next week. The whole organization just seems positive....not positive that everyone can save their marriage, but positive that this is something you can live through and grow from. So I'm planning to check it out.

Monday, May 12, 2008

ANOTHER good weekend! :)

I think this is 4 in a row. Amazing.

Though for some reason, I was on edge. I felt jumpy all weekend, and actually felt like I was having some anxiety symptoms (very tight chest, unable to catch my breath). It's probably because I did a little snooping...didn't turn up anything, but then my mind starts to race: what if THIS means something, what if THAT means something? What if, what if, what if.....I DO need to strike that from my vocabulary. I will work on that.

Mondays tend to be bad. I am alone after spending a lot of time with DH over the weekend and after having the kids around. I have too much time to putter and think and feel sorry for myself. I'm going to work on making today the best Monday I've had in months.

Even though I'm dealing with edginess and facing down a bad Monday, it is amazing how far we've come.

Thursday, May 8, 2008

What if I'm being stupid?

No matter how well things are going, this is a thought I always have not far from the front of my mind....what if I'm being stupid? What if all kinds of things are going on behind my back and I'm just being a complete idiot and not seeing them, not figuring things out, not WANTING to figure things out (oh, but I do want to figure things out, so I don't think that's it)? Logic tells me that no, I'm not being stupid. Things are just as they seem. But it's tough to be totally confident in that when you've been burned like I have.

I guess I've just decided that if I AM being stupid, it will come out at some point. Somehow, some way things will become clear to me one way or another.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Apologies - how much is enough?

My husband has apologized over and over....verbally, in writing, just by the look on his face. I know he is sorry. At first, it seemed like he was more sorry for having to deal the mess he'd made. But as time went on, it was obvious that he had become quite distressed by the pain he'd caused me and the horribleness of what he'd done to me and our marriage and even himself. For now anyway, we have moved past the anguished stage. I don't think either of us are in a state of constant suffering. But the other day I had this almost irresistible urge to ask him "are you REALLY sorry?? Really really sorry?" I managed to NOT ask.....because I started thinking about it.....how many apologies are necessary? I guess in our case, the first ones were probably not all that sincere....the later ones definitely were. I think one totally sincere, heartfelt apology would be enough. What would I gain by asking him if he's sorry again? And again and again? And I also think that demanding constant apologies would just keep things fresh....things that I WANT to fade away.

We did have a slightly humorous thing happen last week. He was not laughing but I had to. I worked last week. A friend asked me to come help her out with a big project, so I worked 2 days. The second day, we had a lull so I texted DH. All I said was "What are you doing?" That was all, word-for-word. He wrote back "HUH???" So I wrote back "What don't you understand?" Immediately my cell phone rang. He was not frantic but clearly worried "What's wrong?"he asked. I said nothing was wrong. He asked if I was SURE nothing was wrong, was I okay, did something happen. I said again, no, nothing was wrong, and why in the world did he think something was wrong? What did he think happened? He said he had no idea....that maybe I'd found something or someone had called me or something. I asked him what would I have found and he said "there's nothing TO find but I know that you have found things that are old or that you've taken wrong". Then I asked who in the hell would have called me? He said "I have no idea when or if someone is going to get the idea to call you up". I think that when things are going fairly well, he is just terrified that something is going to happen to rock the boat and set me off. I guess we both deal with crazy thoughts. I just found it incredibly hilarious that the simple question of "what are you doing?" packed such a punch.

I am actually in a pretty good place right now. I would not say I'm blissfully happy, but I am becoming more content as time goes on. DH and I are more comfortable together now....there's not CONSTANT tension and fear that something is going to happen (not constant, but see above paragraph :P). I also feel like I know where my life is going. I feel pretty positive that things are going to work out between us. But I am also positive that I will put up with nothing else.....if he slips up in any way, I am sliding into "I'm an idiot" territory and will just hang it up. So I wouldn't say life is good, but life is definitely getting better.

Thursday, May 1, 2008

Peaks and valleys

I've been having mostly peaks lately. Yesterday, however, was a valley. A very low valley. Yesterday was a stay at home and feel sorry for myself day. By mid- to late-afternoon, however, I was pretty much over it. I'm back to plugging away. I guess the key to having more peaks is to be able to stick with it through the valleys.