I got a comment from Anonymous wishing me a happy Thanksgiving and I realized that I haven't blogged in over 2 months. I'm such a slacker. Actually not blogging is a good sign with me. When my blogs were frequent and rambling, I was in a bad place mentally. I could think of nothing but my situation.....my mind raced. Now.....in some ways things are a million times better. Some things are the same. But *I* am back. I am pretty much ME again.
H is still around. But things are so so so different now. For months and months, I focused on him and us and getting away alone and talking and working on things....ad nauseum. Now, I worry about my kids and I worry about myself. He is welcome to hang out on the periphery as long as he stays out of my way, but he and our relationship no longer take center stage. I no longer hope that things will work out. I know they won't and I don't even want them to. I want to be left alone. I haven't touched him except for ONE HUG in 6 months. I sleep on an inch of bed with my back turned to him every night. He occasionally tries to cuddle up to me, and that's my cue to get up for the day. Before you say it....I already know that this is no way to live. But as far as taking the final step....I struggle with it so much. Not for myself, but because of my kids.
I know I don't sound happy, but in many ways I am. No longer holding onto that delusional thinking that things will really work out is so freeing. I used to think of the future with just me and my kids as a negative thing.....now I imagine it as being peaceful and happy. I will get there eventually.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Friday, September 11, 2009
Comments
To respond to some of the comments on my previous post......
.....not running anymore. I had to give it up. I have had horrible hip pain on and off for years, since my last pregnancy. When I was running, it didn't hurt at the time but it sure hurt bad later. Really bad....it took me forever to get out of bed every morning and get moving. I had never been to a chiropractor before and was a little leery of them, but a friend recommended a really good one so I decided to give him a shot. He recommened no running until I get this figured out....and he actually doesn't recommend running for anyone over age 25. !!!! I would still like to get back into running a couple miles a day. Quick and effective. So we'll see. He said he could have me all fixed up in maybe 6 weeks. In the meantime he doesn't even want me to walk for exercise....he said he'd prefer biking or swimming. Neither of which appeal to me.
I am trying not to beat myself up for not taking action on what I know I need to do. But I also know that I WILL do it. I try to imagine if there are any circumstances that would make me change my mind....and I really can't think of any except perhaps terminal illness (God forbid) or some kind of major financial disaster or something....I don't know. My mind is made up.
I am not getting sucked back, which is what has happened in the past. Not interested, won't allow it, won't even allow an attempt at it. So I'm definitely in a different place mentally than I have been.
.....not running anymore. I had to give it up. I have had horrible hip pain on and off for years, since my last pregnancy. When I was running, it didn't hurt at the time but it sure hurt bad later. Really bad....it took me forever to get out of bed every morning and get moving. I had never been to a chiropractor before and was a little leery of them, but a friend recommended a really good one so I decided to give him a shot. He recommened no running until I get this figured out....and he actually doesn't recommend running for anyone over age 25. !!!! I would still like to get back into running a couple miles a day. Quick and effective. So we'll see. He said he could have me all fixed up in maybe 6 weeks. In the meantime he doesn't even want me to walk for exercise....he said he'd prefer biking or swimming. Neither of which appeal to me.
I am trying not to beat myself up for not taking action on what I know I need to do. But I also know that I WILL do it. I try to imagine if there are any circumstances that would make me change my mind....and I really can't think of any except perhaps terminal illness (God forbid) or some kind of major financial disaster or something....I don't know. My mind is made up.
I am not getting sucked back, which is what has happened in the past. Not interested, won't allow it, won't even allow an attempt at it. So I'm definitely in a different place mentally than I have been.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
I'm alive!!!
In case you were afraid I wasn't....I thought I'd better check in.
I'll get right to the point. I've decided to get out of my marriage. Now...keep in mind that it took me over a year to come to that decision. Who the hell knows how long it will take me to actually DO it. I feel like I am perched on the edge of a cliff, just waiting to leap....and I just can't do it. I feel like if someone would just give me a shove, I'd fly....I'd soar....I'd be taking that leap.
What's holding me back is my kids. It's not him. I don't want him. I don't love him. I don't even like him anymore. We are nice enough to each other but I don't want him to touch me, I don't want to go anywhere with him unless absolutely necessary or if it's with the rest of the family. I just think about my dear, sweet kids....and how their whole life is going to change. It's really awful.
Had an interesting thing happen on Sunday. I went to Sam's Club. Turned into the frozen aisle and saw HER. She had parked her cart about 3/4 of the way down the aisle and apparently walked ahead to look at something. She walked back to get the cart, and she saw me before I saw her. When I noticed her, she was already looking at me. I didn't turn away...I deliberately stared at her but didn't do anything else. She grabbed her cart and hightailed it out of there. She was with someone else who was not her husband, so it wasn't like she could up and leave the store. Saw her a couple more times in the store then in the parking lot. I am so glad I didn't have my kids with me. I don't want her looking at them, as stupid as that sounds. I told H about it the following day. I didn't tell him when I came home because if he got crappy about it I would most certainly go off on him. He didn't really say much...what could he say? But later he sent me an email asking me what his reaction was supposed to be to that. I said whatever the hell he wanted it to be. What a stupid question. So today I asked him if he thought I shouldn't have brought it up....and he said he didn't understand why I even told him. Huh? Really...it is amazing that I've never seen her any other time....but still, it is a fairly noteworthy event. It would even be traumatic to some....and I think if I still cared it would be traumatic to me. Just another example of the insensitive ass I chose for a husband.
On a brighter note....I'm taking a weekend trip to NYC in about 6 weeks and cannot wait! I'm going with a friend and her 19 yr old daughter. Should be fun!
And on a weird note.....the PI I hired to follow H last year? He's been emailing me and asking me out for coffee. Not really quite sure how to take those invitations.....I'm pretty sure he's married....but I've chosen to just ignore them.
I'll get right to the point. I've decided to get out of my marriage. Now...keep in mind that it took me over a year to come to that decision. Who the hell knows how long it will take me to actually DO it. I feel like I am perched on the edge of a cliff, just waiting to leap....and I just can't do it. I feel like if someone would just give me a shove, I'd fly....I'd soar....I'd be taking that leap.
What's holding me back is my kids. It's not him. I don't want him. I don't love him. I don't even like him anymore. We are nice enough to each other but I don't want him to touch me, I don't want to go anywhere with him unless absolutely necessary or if it's with the rest of the family. I just think about my dear, sweet kids....and how their whole life is going to change. It's really awful.
Had an interesting thing happen on Sunday. I went to Sam's Club. Turned into the frozen aisle and saw HER. She had parked her cart about 3/4 of the way down the aisle and apparently walked ahead to look at something. She walked back to get the cart, and she saw me before I saw her. When I noticed her, she was already looking at me. I didn't turn away...I deliberately stared at her but didn't do anything else. She grabbed her cart and hightailed it out of there. She was with someone else who was not her husband, so it wasn't like she could up and leave the store. Saw her a couple more times in the store then in the parking lot. I am so glad I didn't have my kids with me. I don't want her looking at them, as stupid as that sounds. I told H about it the following day. I didn't tell him when I came home because if he got crappy about it I would most certainly go off on him. He didn't really say much...what could he say? But later he sent me an email asking me what his reaction was supposed to be to that. I said whatever the hell he wanted it to be. What a stupid question. So today I asked him if he thought I shouldn't have brought it up....and he said he didn't understand why I even told him. Huh? Really...it is amazing that I've never seen her any other time....but still, it is a fairly noteworthy event. It would even be traumatic to some....and I think if I still cared it would be traumatic to me. Just another example of the insensitive ass I chose for a husband.
On a brighter note....I'm taking a weekend trip to NYC in about 6 weeks and cannot wait! I'm going with a friend and her 19 yr old daughter. Should be fun!
And on a weird note.....the PI I hired to follow H last year? He's been emailing me and asking me out for coffee. Not really quite sure how to take those invitations.....I'm pretty sure he's married....but I've chosen to just ignore them.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Born to run...that's me :)
Ok...born to run is a little bit of an exaggeration. But I got this wild idea a few weeks ago that I wanted to start running. So I found information on line about the Couch to 5k program. You're supposed to be able to run a 5k within 9 weeks. The program starts really slow and you increase your running time and distance every week. I am on week 4 now. I never thought I'd say it...but I actually rather enjoy it. Sometimes I have to say to myself "I CAN DO THIS" over and over...and over and over and over. Funny how that applies to my running and my life. I can do this.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Been a long time....
I have posted anything in over a month. Not that nothing's been going on....just haven't made the time to do it.
I had something come up in the last month. I'll go into what it was in a minute....but I have had this total turnaround of what I think, what I feel, what I want, what I need, what I know. I've spent SO much time searching for answers, yet even when I've found them, I find a way to explain it away, justify it, issue another ultimatum. This time is different. First of all, there was no searching. This bit of info practically fell into my lap with little effort on my part. Second, even though before if I was being honest with myself I KNEW what was going on, it's different now....it's like my eyes just snapped open and I saw.....I saw the kind of man I'm married to and I saw exactly the horribleness he's capable of and I saw that I have no choice but to get out. And I actually see myself on the other side....and it's not such a bad thing.
Back in November, when DH was gone for 4 weeks, a thing came in the mail for him from a hotel....about a frequent stay program. DH travels quite a bit for work, so I didn't think TOO much of it....he gets lots of junk mail from airlines, hotels, rental car companies, etc. I did think enough of it that I stuck the letter in the back of one of my dresser drawers in case I needed it for future reference. Then about 5 weeks ago, a statement from the same chain came. I opened it....figuring if it was nothing or legitimate I'd just toss it in the trash and DH would be none the wiser. It had a stay at a hotel here in town, one night, in October....it was the Friday before he left for a month. I asked him about it and he of course had a story....a farfetched, ridiculous story.
So you might ask....how could he be so stupid as to sign up for a frequent stay program? What I would bet is that when you check in, even though you pay cash, you still have to give them your drivers license. They're not just going to give you a room with no identification. So they entered his info into their system and he was automatically enrolled in the program. A friend stayed at another hotel in the same chain and she said they told her that by making a reservation you're automatically enrolled. What I think happened is he went there on a Fri afternoon, spent the rest of the day there, came home in the evening and acted like nothing happened....and never went back to check out on Saturday - he just left the key there and obviously didn't need a receipt.
The day after I got the letter in the mail, but before DH came up with his half-assed explanations, I went to see our therapist alone. We talked about my last line in the sand, my final ultimatum....that if there was any contact whatsoever after August I was done. I told him that unless DH was able to come up with an explanation that made total sense, then I meant what I said - I am done. And I am. He's tried to act like things are normal. He kept trying to touch me until I finally told him that I've been extremely pissed for week and don't want him touching me. I have no idea what he's been doing for sex.....he could be getting it elsewhere for all I know, and I don't even care.
So my plan is now to hold on for a couple more weeks. My kids go on vacation with their grandma on July 10th, and I plan to tell him I want a divorce as close to that day as possible. Then hopefully he'll be out of here and if he acts like an ass he'll be over it by the time they get back. I have no idea how he'll react. I do think he'll be surprised, at least a little, even with how things have been going here. I think he just thinks he can do whatever he wants and I won't do anything about it. And I guess that was true for a while. But not anymore.
I had something come up in the last month. I'll go into what it was in a minute....but I have had this total turnaround of what I think, what I feel, what I want, what I need, what I know. I've spent SO much time searching for answers, yet even when I've found them, I find a way to explain it away, justify it, issue another ultimatum. This time is different. First of all, there was no searching. This bit of info practically fell into my lap with little effort on my part. Second, even though before if I was being honest with myself I KNEW what was going on, it's different now....it's like my eyes just snapped open and I saw.....I saw the kind of man I'm married to and I saw exactly the horribleness he's capable of and I saw that I have no choice but to get out. And I actually see myself on the other side....and it's not such a bad thing.
Back in November, when DH was gone for 4 weeks, a thing came in the mail for him from a hotel....about a frequent stay program. DH travels quite a bit for work, so I didn't think TOO much of it....he gets lots of junk mail from airlines, hotels, rental car companies, etc. I did think enough of it that I stuck the letter in the back of one of my dresser drawers in case I needed it for future reference. Then about 5 weeks ago, a statement from the same chain came. I opened it....figuring if it was nothing or legitimate I'd just toss it in the trash and DH would be none the wiser. It had a stay at a hotel here in town, one night, in October....it was the Friday before he left for a month. I asked him about it and he of course had a story....a farfetched, ridiculous story.
So you might ask....how could he be so stupid as to sign up for a frequent stay program? What I would bet is that when you check in, even though you pay cash, you still have to give them your drivers license. They're not just going to give you a room with no identification. So they entered his info into their system and he was automatically enrolled in the program. A friend stayed at another hotel in the same chain and she said they told her that by making a reservation you're automatically enrolled. What I think happened is he went there on a Fri afternoon, spent the rest of the day there, came home in the evening and acted like nothing happened....and never went back to check out on Saturday - he just left the key there and obviously didn't need a receipt.
The day after I got the letter in the mail, but before DH came up with his half-assed explanations, I went to see our therapist alone. We talked about my last line in the sand, my final ultimatum....that if there was any contact whatsoever after August I was done. I told him that unless DH was able to come up with an explanation that made total sense, then I meant what I said - I am done. And I am. He's tried to act like things are normal. He kept trying to touch me until I finally told him that I've been extremely pissed for week and don't want him touching me. I have no idea what he's been doing for sex.....he could be getting it elsewhere for all I know, and I don't even care.
So my plan is now to hold on for a couple more weeks. My kids go on vacation with their grandma on July 10th, and I plan to tell him I want a divorce as close to that day as possible. Then hopefully he'll be out of here and if he acts like an ass he'll be over it by the time they get back. I have no idea how he'll react. I do think he'll be surprised, at least a little, even with how things have been going here. I think he just thinks he can do whatever he wants and I won't do anything about it. And I guess that was true for a while. But not anymore.
Friday, May 22, 2009
A step up (or maybe it's down?) from Dr Phil....
...is something I saw on Desperate Housewives a couple weeks ago that just struck a nerve with me. If you don't watch you won't know who this character is, but the comment was made by Carl....Susan's ex-husband and Bree's divorce attorney. I know Carl is a total cad but I've always liked the character....he's so bad he's amusing. Anyway...Bree was having second thoughts about divorcing her husband and started to say "if I tried hard enough blah blah blah". Carl said that he knew what she was going to say. She was going to say that he isn't that bad, and Carl said "he IS that bad".
When we watched that show, DH just laughed and laughed at that part. Maybe he found it funny because he saw himself in it, but somehow I don't think so. Just reminded me how every time I think DH can't be "that bad", he's proven me wrong. :(
When we watched that show, DH just laughed and laughed at that part. Maybe he found it funny because he saw himself in it, but somehow I don't think so. Just reminded me how every time I think DH can't be "that bad", he's proven me wrong. :(
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Laugh if you want....
....but you can learn a lot from Dr. Phil. His no-bullshit, lay-it-on-the-line common sense is just what I need sometimes. Too bad he can't reach through the TV and kick me in the seat of the pants.
Yesterday's show was not about infidelity, but there was a couple on there with major issues. Both of them. He was an ass and she allowed herself to be treated like total shit. Sound familiar??? I went on the website and he had a list of 5 questions you need to ask yourself if you're considering divorce: 1) Are you still in love with your spouse? 2) Are you angry? 3) Are you hurt? 4) Are you confused? 5) Are you scared? He says if you answer yes to any of the questions, you have work to do and are not ready to leave the marriage. He said you are not ready until you can look each other in the eye and feel peace, no hatred, no resentment. Very interesting....and seems impossible. But I think I may be getting there. This time last year, my answers were all a resounding yes. Now I'm down to I don't know, yes, not as much, not really, and yes.
Yesterday's show was not about infidelity, but there was a couple on there with major issues. Both of them. He was an ass and she allowed herself to be treated like total shit. Sound familiar??? I went on the website and he had a list of 5 questions you need to ask yourself if you're considering divorce: 1) Are you still in love with your spouse? 2) Are you angry? 3) Are you hurt? 4) Are you confused? 5) Are you scared? He says if you answer yes to any of the questions, you have work to do and are not ready to leave the marriage. He said you are not ready until you can look each other in the eye and feel peace, no hatred, no resentment. Very interesting....and seems impossible. But I think I may be getting there. This time last year, my answers were all a resounding yes. Now I'm down to I don't know, yes, not as much, not really, and yes.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
How do you turn your mind off....and other stuff
DH's sweetness didn't last....the imposter is gone and same old same old is back in his place, which isn't ALL bad, but there are some ups and downs. He was perfect and sweet and kind and loving, and within a matter of days, he was acting kind of like a shit again. Sunday morning I asked him if anything was wrong because he acted like he'd rather be anywhere but with me, and he said "that's what you're acting like". The conversation ended right there because couldn't we go 'round and 'round with that forever? I felt like saying "I know you are but what am ??? INFINITY", but I refrained. :P So we had an interesting therapy session on Monday. I brought up how DH had been acting for the last week or so, and Dr asked how that made me feel. I told him that after more than a day or so of that, I start to wonder what in the hell is going on....if something's going on to make him distant or if it's just the stress of work, day-to-day stuff, etc. I was explaining that I can be going along, feeling perfect fine, then a thought or two pops into my head, then that grows....more thoughts, more doubts, more bad feelings. DH said he feels the same way often....that I'm not going to ever forgive him, that I won't ever trust him, that I'm going to leave him. Dr came up with a good analogy....said it's like when you're watching TV and really into a show, and then this annoying banner comes scrolling across the bottom of the screen. He said you try to enjoy your show, but all you can see is that stupid banner....saying "she's going to leave me anyway", or whatever negative thought keeps popping up. So he says we both need to change our what our banners say......because if he's not up to anything, HE'S not the one torturing me anymore, I'm torturing myself. So....I guess I need to "change what my banner says" but I sure have a hard time turning my mind off. And I guess no matter what happens with our marriage, I don't really want to spend my life turning this stuff over and over and over in my mind, do I? It has to stop somewhere. But I guess the bottom line is I DON'T trust him....even if I really don't THINK anything is amiss, I don't put anything past him at all. I guess in the back of my mind I just have the thought that maybe he really is just an awful, awful person who wants to do whatever it is he wants without disrupting his life and putting up with any grief. And I wonder if that will ever go away. It's a really sucky thought to have.
Heard from my friend this morning.....her daughter has this friend whose dad is a very successful attorney. They have 4 children, multi-million dollar home. Friend's mother is very sweet, very beautiful. Her husband told her in February that he was leaving her and was involved with someone else. As if that wasn't bad enough, now he's saying he wants custody of the kids, want the house, and wants to ruin her. She said she hadn't even known anything was wrong, and now he wants to ruin her? She has no idea where that is coming from. On the one hand, I couldn't help but think that at least he's being honest with her, but why would he want to rake her over the coals like that? People can be horrible to each other.
Heard from my friend this morning.....her daughter has this friend whose dad is a very successful attorney. They have 4 children, multi-million dollar home. Friend's mother is very sweet, very beautiful. Her husband told her in February that he was leaving her and was involved with someone else. As if that wasn't bad enough, now he's saying he wants custody of the kids, want the house, and wants to ruin her. She said she hadn't even known anything was wrong, and now he wants to ruin her? She has no idea where that is coming from. On the one hand, I couldn't help but think that at least he's being honest with her, but why would he want to rake her over the coals like that? People can be horrible to each other.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Psychological testing
Months ago, I tore an article about men and depression out of a magazine. Thought DH showed more than one of the signs. Whether or not he's depressed has come up with other counselors, but DH insists he is not depressed and the subject's been dropped. I'm not so sure. Dr E wants to find out. A friend asked me if I found out that DH IS depressed, will it make what's happened easier on me? I say no, it won't....because what hurts is what happened, not WHY it happened (at least I think so)....but it might make me feel more sure that it wouldn't happen again. I just can't tell you how many women I've heard whose husbands have cheated on them or up and left them suddenly, and the men have ended up being depressed or bipolar.
I find it so weird that after all this time, I still have such mood swings. I'd say my general mood is not bad for the most part. I don't have the deep depression that I did....I'd say I experience sadness more than the average person but it's not debilitating like it was. But early in the week last week, I just felt finished. I felt tired, I felt like I'd expended any energy I have to devote to this relationship and had nothing left, I felt it was hopeless and that I'm just prolonging the inevitable. I don't tell DH any of this.....I don't act any differently at all. I hate to sound mean, but if the other shoe is going to drop it's going to be at a time of my choosing....I think I deserve to be the one in control. Well....lo and behold....DH is making it really hard on me. We had an appointment on Monday, and by Thursday he was just....I can't explain it......different. Like I think what we discussed Monday just took a few days to sink in. Friday morning he apologized, out of the blue. I asked him why he was apologizing now and he said he thinks about what he did to me a lot and is so sorry. Who kidnapped my husband and who is this imposter???? And will it last?
I find it so weird that after all this time, I still have such mood swings. I'd say my general mood is not bad for the most part. I don't have the deep depression that I did....I'd say I experience sadness more than the average person but it's not debilitating like it was. But early in the week last week, I just felt finished. I felt tired, I felt like I'd expended any energy I have to devote to this relationship and had nothing left, I felt it was hopeless and that I'm just prolonging the inevitable. I don't tell DH any of this.....I don't act any differently at all. I hate to sound mean, but if the other shoe is going to drop it's going to be at a time of my choosing....I think I deserve to be the one in control. Well....lo and behold....DH is making it really hard on me. We had an appointment on Monday, and by Thursday he was just....I can't explain it......different. Like I think what we discussed Monday just took a few days to sink in. Friday morning he apologized, out of the blue. I asked him why he was apologizing now and he said he thinks about what he did to me a lot and is so sorry. Who kidnapped my husband and who is this imposter???? And will it last?
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Book review
I told you about my one and only book I've read in over a year. It's Happens Every Day by Isabel Gillies. It's about the end of this couple's marriage. I don't know that I'd say I ENJOYED it. It is such a depressing subject. But having been there, it was certainly interesting.
The husband, Josiah, had been married before. He cheated on his first wife while she was pregnant and she divorced him. Josiah and Isabel had been married for about 6 years. Isabel thought she had the perfect life. Josiah was a professor at a college in Ohio and fell in love with Sylvia, a newly-married young female professor in his department.
I find it so fascinating how different people, no matter which end of the affair they're on, handle themselves. Isabel was a lot like I was.....determined to "fix" things, devastated but managed to hold things together (barely) for her kids. She didn't seem to be embarrassed and told many people in her life what was going on, which is similar to what I did as well. Josiah decided shortly after he met this other woman that he would not stay in the marriage and made that very clear. He would not, however, admit that it was because of anyone else. After Josiah told Isabel he wanted out, they spent 3 more months living together.....with Isabel hoping the whole time that he'd change his mind. She was in love with him anyway, and it made me so sad for her. To Josiah's credit, though he was pretty cruel to Isabel at times, he never waivered in his decision that he wanted out. He never pretended to want to try to work things out and stay in the marriage. So while he was cruel, at least he was truthful about that. Both Josiah and Sylvia did lie repeatedly about their involvement.
Isabel has remarried. Josiah and Sylvia are now married and both still teaching at the college. Isabel claims that she is friends with both of them. I find that hard to fathom but stranger things have happened.
The husband, Josiah, had been married before. He cheated on his first wife while she was pregnant and she divorced him. Josiah and Isabel had been married for about 6 years. Isabel thought she had the perfect life. Josiah was a professor at a college in Ohio and fell in love with Sylvia, a newly-married young female professor in his department.
I find it so fascinating how different people, no matter which end of the affair they're on, handle themselves. Isabel was a lot like I was.....determined to "fix" things, devastated but managed to hold things together (barely) for her kids. She didn't seem to be embarrassed and told many people in her life what was going on, which is similar to what I did as well. Josiah decided shortly after he met this other woman that he would not stay in the marriage and made that very clear. He would not, however, admit that it was because of anyone else. After Josiah told Isabel he wanted out, they spent 3 more months living together.....with Isabel hoping the whole time that he'd change his mind. She was in love with him anyway, and it made me so sad for her. To Josiah's credit, though he was pretty cruel to Isabel at times, he never waivered in his decision that he wanted out. He never pretended to want to try to work things out and stay in the marriage. So while he was cruel, at least he was truthful about that. Both Josiah and Sylvia did lie repeatedly about their involvement.
Isabel has remarried. Josiah and Sylvia are now married and both still teaching at the college. Isabel claims that she is friends with both of them. I find that hard to fathom but stranger things have happened.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
BIG accomplishment :)
Not really....just thought that was a good attention-grabber. :) It's really a small accomplishment. But let me back up a bit.....
I have let a lot of things fall by the wayside in the last year. Some friends.....volunteer activities.....hobbies. Some things I'm glad to let go of. I discovered that I had a lot of friendships where I was really the only one initiating everything. Or there were friends that I didn't feel I trusted enough to tell what had happened. If I'm doing everything or I don't trust someone, is this really a friend I need to spend a lot of time or energy on? I had been dragging myself week after week to volunteer doing things I hated. But my hobbies....I kind of miss those.
I didn't have a lot of hobbies....just little things I enjoyed every now and then. One I stuck with and that's my Ebay....and that's pretty much because I hate clutter and I'm cheap and I like money. :) The two things I hate letting slide most is the scrapbooks I make for my kids and reading. I distinctly remember what I was working on, scrapbook-wise, when the shit hit the fan here. I was working on A's scrapbook, pictures from the previous summer, so from Aug 07. I never finished. I left everything on an end table in my family room for a long time, thinking maybe I'd get back to it. Then it made me sad to look at it, so I put it all away. I still haven't finished what I was working on and don't know when I will. But I want to sometime. I've also been horrible about taking pictures in this year plus. And what few pictures we've taken, I haven't had processed. So I feel like we've "lost" a year and a half. But I'll get my rear in gear sometime and get caught up.
I have missed reading A LOT. For a long time I couldn't focus long enough to read anything beyond the newspaper and the occasional magazine. My mind raced too much. I felt too sad to think of anything but myself and my misery. Then later, I just had no interest. I wasn't miserable....but I felt "blah". So I had found some reviews of a few books in magazines that looked good and ordered them from amazon.com. I started one yesterday and have hardly been able to put it down. Sounds like a stupid thing to be jazzed about, but I am. I finally am over my affair-induced ADD (AIADD??). Ironically, the book is about a woman whose husband had an affair and left her. It's called 'Happens Every Day'. It's an interesting book....she is not a super talented writer but her writing draws you in. It's like talking to a friend. It sounds like ME. You'd think I'd find it too depressing, but oddly I don't.
In other news....those 6 days without smoking? Totally down the tubes. On the one-week mark, there I was....back at Walgreens buying a pack of cigarettes. So yesterday I decided to actually DO SOMETHING about it rather than just talk about doing something about it. I bought some nicotine gum and I'm hoping it will be helpful. Actually I think what may work is that I'm afraid if I actually did smoke after chewing the gum I would get really sick. So I'm chewing away on the gum anytime I go out to run errands, my usual time that I'd sneak in a smoke or two.
I have let a lot of things fall by the wayside in the last year. Some friends.....volunteer activities.....hobbies. Some things I'm glad to let go of. I discovered that I had a lot of friendships where I was really the only one initiating everything. Or there were friends that I didn't feel I trusted enough to tell what had happened. If I'm doing everything or I don't trust someone, is this really a friend I need to spend a lot of time or energy on? I had been dragging myself week after week to volunteer doing things I hated. But my hobbies....I kind of miss those.
I didn't have a lot of hobbies....just little things I enjoyed every now and then. One I stuck with and that's my Ebay....and that's pretty much because I hate clutter and I'm cheap and I like money. :) The two things I hate letting slide most is the scrapbooks I make for my kids and reading. I distinctly remember what I was working on, scrapbook-wise, when the shit hit the fan here. I was working on A's scrapbook, pictures from the previous summer, so from Aug 07. I never finished. I left everything on an end table in my family room for a long time, thinking maybe I'd get back to it. Then it made me sad to look at it, so I put it all away. I still haven't finished what I was working on and don't know when I will. But I want to sometime. I've also been horrible about taking pictures in this year plus. And what few pictures we've taken, I haven't had processed. So I feel like we've "lost" a year and a half. But I'll get my rear in gear sometime and get caught up.
I have missed reading A LOT. For a long time I couldn't focus long enough to read anything beyond the newspaper and the occasional magazine. My mind raced too much. I felt too sad to think of anything but myself and my misery. Then later, I just had no interest. I wasn't miserable....but I felt "blah". So I had found some reviews of a few books in magazines that looked good and ordered them from amazon.com. I started one yesterday and have hardly been able to put it down. Sounds like a stupid thing to be jazzed about, but I am. I finally am over my affair-induced ADD (AIADD??). Ironically, the book is about a woman whose husband had an affair and left her. It's called 'Happens Every Day'. It's an interesting book....she is not a super talented writer but her writing draws you in. It's like talking to a friend. It sounds like ME. You'd think I'd find it too depressing, but oddly I don't.
In other news....those 6 days without smoking? Totally down the tubes. On the one-week mark, there I was....back at Walgreens buying a pack of cigarettes. So yesterday I decided to actually DO SOMETHING about it rather than just talk about doing something about it. I bought some nicotine gum and I'm hoping it will be helpful. Actually I think what may work is that I'm afraid if I actually did smoke after chewing the gum I would get really sick. So I'm chewing away on the gum anytime I go out to run errands, my usual time that I'd sneak in a smoke or two.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Haven't felt like blogging
Just not in the mood. Nothing's been great...nothing's been terrible....I've just not been in the mood.
I do have a confession to make. I never quit smoking when I swore I was going to several months ago. I made a couple feeble attempts. I never smoked over the weekends anyway....so every Monday seemed like a perfect time to make a fresh start. And every Monday I'd find myself driving somewhere to have one. We went out of town Thursday through Sunday and I hadn't smoked on Wednesday either.....the last day I had a cigarette was on Tuesday of last week. Today I left our counseling session and pulled into a gas station parking lot with every intention of buying a pack. For some reason I was able to find some willpower somewhere inside of me and I drove off without even going in. Yay me. As much as I'd LOVE to have one....and stupid or not, the momentary satisfaction WOULD make me feel much better....I do like all the reasons NOT to have one. Not smelling us a big one. Not letting down my kids is another biggie. Not wasting money is another. Not doing something that makes me look old is at the top of my list. At almost 42 I don't need any help looking older!!! I know 6 days without a cigarette is not earth shattering. But today is the first day I've resisted temptation, and for that I am proud.
I do have a confession to make. I never quit smoking when I swore I was going to several months ago. I made a couple feeble attempts. I never smoked over the weekends anyway....so every Monday seemed like a perfect time to make a fresh start. And every Monday I'd find myself driving somewhere to have one. We went out of town Thursday through Sunday and I hadn't smoked on Wednesday either.....the last day I had a cigarette was on Tuesday of last week. Today I left our counseling session and pulled into a gas station parking lot with every intention of buying a pack. For some reason I was able to find some willpower somewhere inside of me and I drove off without even going in. Yay me. As much as I'd LOVE to have one....and stupid or not, the momentary satisfaction WOULD make me feel much better....I do like all the reasons NOT to have one. Not smelling us a big one. Not letting down my kids is another biggie. Not wasting money is another. Not doing something that makes me look old is at the top of my list. At almost 42 I don't need any help looking older!!! I know 6 days without a cigarette is not earth shattering. But today is the first day I've resisted temptation, and for that I am proud.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Panic
I think I am having panic attacks. Or maybe they're anxiety attacks. Are they the same?
Past 2 nights I've woken up with a super tight feeling my chest, feel like I can't breathe, and am just scared to death.. Of what....I don't know. Neither time have I remembered a bad dream I was having. I am able to calm myself down and then I'm fine.
Past 2 nights I've woken up with a super tight feeling my chest, feel like I can't breathe, and am just scared to death.. Of what....I don't know. Neither time have I remembered a bad dream I was having. I am able to calm myself down and then I'm fine.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
More on the opposite sex entry from a week or two ago
I JUST remembered something that at the time I thought was really weird.....but now.....I realize there could be something behind it....you just never know.
We have some neighbors across the street. "Bob" is a fireman and his home several days during the week with the kids while his wife is at work. "Susan" works full-time and is only home during the day on weekends. Both are extremely nice people and Bob seems to be a devoted husband and father. I don't say "seems to be" in a smart-ass way at all. He really does seem to be a truly decent guy. Susan and I are very friendly. I wouldn't call us great friends but we call to mooch stuff off each other, email back and forth on occasion, I've helped her out in a pinch with babysitting.
Now I don't make a habit of hanging out at Mr. Mom type guys' houses while their wives are at work. I've been over there a couple times when his wife isn't home....once to drop something off (can't remember if it was something I'd borrowed or something his wife wanted to borrow or what) and it was just a matter of running to the door, handing over the goods, and running back out to the car. Another time Bob invited me and another dad over for coffee while we were standing at the bus stop. I said yes before other dad could say no.....so I went and stayed just long enough to drink my coffee and make a little polite chitchat. Then last week Susan flagged me down as I was coming home from somewhere early in the morning....said she had a babysitting emergency and could I come stay with her kids (they're little) for just a few minutes until Bob got home from work....they have it timed perfectly and any little delay messes up the whole process. I was there 10 minutes before Bob showed up. We talked for a few minutes then I went home to start my day.
The first time I went over there, when I dropped something off, I called their house from my cell phone to see if Bob was there. Later that night, my cell phone rang and I saw that it was Bob and Susan's phone number on the caller ID. When I answered, they hung up. I put two and two together and realized that Susan saw a strange number on her caller ID and wanted to know who it was. Suspicious mind, for sure.
Both of the other times I've been there, Susan has called. And Bob has made some kind of joke about Susan calling to see if we're having an affair. First time was BA (BA = before affair), second time was AA (you can figure that one out :P). First time I was kinda like hardy har...lame joke. Second time when I realized it was her on the phone I thought "Are you KIDDING me?"
So for a long time I walked around thinking that Susan was terribly insecure. Now....well it could very well be that she is terribly insecure....but it could also be that she has reason to be suspicious.
I don't know....I just don't think "normal" women feel the need to do that. And for the record I'll be the first to admit that I'm not normal.
We have some neighbors across the street. "Bob" is a fireman and his home several days during the week with the kids while his wife is at work. "Susan" works full-time and is only home during the day on weekends. Both are extremely nice people and Bob seems to be a devoted husband and father. I don't say "seems to be" in a smart-ass way at all. He really does seem to be a truly decent guy. Susan and I are very friendly. I wouldn't call us great friends but we call to mooch stuff off each other, email back and forth on occasion, I've helped her out in a pinch with babysitting.
Now I don't make a habit of hanging out at Mr. Mom type guys' houses while their wives are at work. I've been over there a couple times when his wife isn't home....once to drop something off (can't remember if it was something I'd borrowed or something his wife wanted to borrow or what) and it was just a matter of running to the door, handing over the goods, and running back out to the car. Another time Bob invited me and another dad over for coffee while we were standing at the bus stop. I said yes before other dad could say no.....so I went and stayed just long enough to drink my coffee and make a little polite chitchat. Then last week Susan flagged me down as I was coming home from somewhere early in the morning....said she had a babysitting emergency and could I come stay with her kids (they're little) for just a few minutes until Bob got home from work....they have it timed perfectly and any little delay messes up the whole process. I was there 10 minutes before Bob showed up. We talked for a few minutes then I went home to start my day.
The first time I went over there, when I dropped something off, I called their house from my cell phone to see if Bob was there. Later that night, my cell phone rang and I saw that it was Bob and Susan's phone number on the caller ID. When I answered, they hung up. I put two and two together and realized that Susan saw a strange number on her caller ID and wanted to know who it was. Suspicious mind, for sure.
Both of the other times I've been there, Susan has called. And Bob has made some kind of joke about Susan calling to see if we're having an affair. First time was BA (BA = before affair), second time was AA (you can figure that one out :P). First time I was kinda like hardy har...lame joke. Second time when I realized it was her on the phone I thought "Are you KIDDING me?"
So for a long time I walked around thinking that Susan was terribly insecure. Now....well it could very well be that she is terribly insecure....but it could also be that she has reason to be suspicious.
I don't know....I just don't think "normal" women feel the need to do that. And for the record I'll be the first to admit that I'm not normal.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Taking leaps
I don't know if I'm just having a bad week or what (well, I KNOW I'm having a bad week - but I don't know if that's the reason I'm feeling this way) but I have come to the conclusion that I just can't live this way. I can't. I'm sad. I don't want to be sad....and "love" should not hurt like this. Love is supposed to feel good, right?
I guess I have known this for a while....just took me too long to admit it to myself. I have a hard time understanding why I can't just "take the leap". I think when the decision is EASY, I have an easy time making the decision. And EASY doesn't mean the decision is GOOD, either. Like getting involved with someone who came with a lot of baggage, having that extra drink when I had had enough already, dating assholes (I've dated others....not just this one. :P), buying that _______ (fill in the blank with whatever I've bought that I didn't need), yelling at the kids rather than dealing with them patiently, staying home for too long rather than getting a job when the kids all went to school full-time, eating garbage wen I wasn't even hungry. But when it's hard....like long-term hard, I just do nothing.
I'm rambling.
I guess I have known this for a while....just took me too long to admit it to myself. I have a hard time understanding why I can't just "take the leap". I think when the decision is EASY, I have an easy time making the decision. And EASY doesn't mean the decision is GOOD, either. Like getting involved with someone who came with a lot of baggage, having that extra drink when I had had enough already, dating assholes (I've dated others....not just this one. :P), buying that _______ (fill in the blank with whatever I've bought that I didn't need), yelling at the kids rather than dealing with them patiently, staying home for too long rather than getting a job when the kids all went to school full-time, eating garbage wen I wasn't even hungry. But when it's hard....like long-term hard, I just do nothing.
I'm rambling.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Miscellany
I was asked in a comment on my previous post how our last counseling session went. The answer is: eh...it was okay. Still love the doctor. Very straightforward, no sugar-coating at all. He says he sees us as "teetering", and he's absolutely right. At one point I did want to get up and high-five him, but I refrained. It's a long story....I won't go into the entire thing but in a nutshell here's what happened: Fri night DH was about 30 minutes late getting home. He had texted me that the road was closed due to an accident (there are accidents on this particular road almost daily - small ones, but there's a lot of traffic that goes through there). He is a lousy texter so half the time I don't even know what he's talking about. I ASSumed that he was sitting on the off ramp and was stuck there. So when I texted him in reply I had it all screwed up. What actually happened is he never got off the highway at his exit because he could see from the highway that the road was closed. He got off at the next exit and took the back way home. I wasn't upset in the first place.....had no reason for disbelief and really didn't care. When he got home and explained it I said "Oh....I had no clue what you were talking about". He said something about getting the 3rd degree. I dropped it, though my blood was boiling. It came up at our appointment the next day and doctor basically said he needed to learn to deal with the consequences of his actions. Though I did have to point out that there was actually no consequence in this case....I wasn't mad, didn't NOT believe him, I didn't think anything....it was a non-issue....but we've had similar incidences were I HAVE questioned him, though not for a very long time. DH doesn't like to be questioned....imagine that. Doctor said these conversations are the result of DH's choices, DH's actions....and he needs to understand that....that HE has caused this. If he feels like he's getting the 3rd degree, he needs to remember why that is. I wanted to get up and give him a big gigantic smooch....but I maintained composure. DH told him that he is always looking over his shoulder, thinking I'm going to be following him around to check up on his whereabouts. The doctor said "But she's not doing that.....you aren't going to do that, are you?" I said "Hell yes, I would if I had reason to. Right now....I don't have reason to, so no, I'm not."
I was driving somewhere a couple weeks ago. There are a few landmarks in our area that bring up very bad feelings for me, and they are often what gets my mind working overtime. I churn these thoughts over and over through my head and it's hard to turn them off. I was just thinking about how this whole time I've been living my life while trying to make a decision....do I stay or do I go? Then I wondered what would happen if I just tried to change my whole mindset....and instead live my life as if it's a given that we're staying together. And really, if that's what I wanted, I think that's what would happen. I think at one point DH would have left me in a minute if I'd kicked him out....but I think now he doesn't want that at all. I realize that that's not a novel idea.....to just assume that things are going to be okay and proceed through life like that.....people do that all the time. It's called various things, from head in the sand to optimism to sunny optimism. I'm not even sure I could do that. I am able to fool myself to some extent, but when you get right down to it, I'm a realist.
I have felt some changes come over me lately that are intriguing. For many months, I professed my love for DH. To put it bluntly, I was desperate. Desperate to be wanted, desperate for my life (and my kids' lives) to not change - and probably for the worse, desperate to not feel like I had no control. For the last 6 months or more, things have been a little different. DH tells me he loves me all the time. Sometimes I answer....more often I say nothing. I'm not MEAN to him, but I have certainly cooled off quite a bit. If he wants me, he has to earn it. I have to hand it to him a little bit....if I told someone I loved them daily for over 6 months and they rarely responded, I'd say "to hell with it"....but he keeps at it. But now....I find myself thinking other things...like "I might not love him after all". I never had really thought that until a couple weeks ago. Before that I thought I loved HIM, but hated what he did. Now....I'm not so sure.
I was driving somewhere a couple weeks ago. There are a few landmarks in our area that bring up very bad feelings for me, and they are often what gets my mind working overtime. I churn these thoughts over and over through my head and it's hard to turn them off. I was just thinking about how this whole time I've been living my life while trying to make a decision....do I stay or do I go? Then I wondered what would happen if I just tried to change my whole mindset....and instead live my life as if it's a given that we're staying together. And really, if that's what I wanted, I think that's what would happen. I think at one point DH would have left me in a minute if I'd kicked him out....but I think now he doesn't want that at all. I realize that that's not a novel idea.....to just assume that things are going to be okay and proceed through life like that.....people do that all the time. It's called various things, from head in the sand to optimism to sunny optimism. I'm not even sure I could do that. I am able to fool myself to some extent, but when you get right down to it, I'm a realist.
I have felt some changes come over me lately that are intriguing. For many months, I professed my love for DH. To put it bluntly, I was desperate. Desperate to be wanted, desperate for my life (and my kids' lives) to not change - and probably for the worse, desperate to not feel like I had no control. For the last 6 months or more, things have been a little different. DH tells me he loves me all the time. Sometimes I answer....more often I say nothing. I'm not MEAN to him, but I have certainly cooled off quite a bit. If he wants me, he has to earn it. I have to hand it to him a little bit....if I told someone I loved them daily for over 6 months and they rarely responded, I'd say "to hell with it"....but he keeps at it. But now....I find myself thinking other things...like "I might not love him after all". I never had really thought that until a couple weeks ago. Before that I thought I loved HIM, but hated what he did. Now....I'm not so sure.
Monday, March 2, 2009
The opposite sex
I found Isle Dance's comment on my last entry interesting....because I've been dealing with that issue a little bit myself. Not so much in terms of my own behavior, but someone else's.....
I have a few male friends. Mostly old friends from high school. I am not friends with any old boyfriends....most of my relationships didn't end amicably enough for that. I keep in touch with one of my guy friends on Facebook. We used to email quite a bit then he switched to a job where he wasn't in an office and I didn't hear from him for probably a year until he looked me up on Facebook. My other high school guy friends are not ones I get together with or even hear from very often, but when we see each other we usually hug. I am also pretty good friends with a male neighbor. DH knows and likes him too but neighbor and I talk a lot more. He does nice things for me but he does that kind of stuff for everyone....it's not just me.
I have never felt the need to pay attention to my behavior around the opposite sex at all. I have never ever been tempted to cheat, even now. Well...that's not true. I sometimes would like to do it for the hurt factor but there are so many other things that play into with me. I could never do it because of my kids, even if they never found out. I just think my kids deserve for me to be a better person than that. And if I were not married, I still think they deserve for me to be better than to become involved with a married man. I had a friend in high school whose mom was dating a married man. It was common knowledge....my friend knew, the other kids in her family knew, we all knew. It was disgusting to me, even then.
But with DH....I am much more possessive and jealous than I used to be. There are things that didn't bother me previously that bother me a lot. Here's the issue I've been dealing with: DH has a friend he's known for years and years. I'll call her Josie. Josie lives in another state, a state where DH lived in the 80s and they knew each other from work. They have stayed in touch, though not excessively. Josie sometimes emails him stuff at work (usually stupid forward things), she sends Christmas cards to the house, they will occasionally call each other. I don't think he's actually spoken to her in years. I know about all this....it's no secret. I have even met Josie. We travelled to where she lives once and I met her, her DH, her kid. Sometime in the last 4 months or so, her emails to DH have increased. They are not JUST to DH, which is what keeps me from getting TOTALLY pissed off about it....they are to a bunch of other people, both male and female. She sends pictures now....lots of them. Mostly of herself, and most of the time it's pretty obvious that she sends them because she thinks she looks good in them. I told DH several months ago that I think she must have gotten divorced. There are NO pictures of her husband, no mention of him whatsoever.....then a Christmas card came with just her and her kid's name. So DH called her (told me he was going to), got her voicemail, then she sent him an email saying she'd call him sometime when she had a chance. I told DH that it didn't used to bother me that she sent him emails and called every now and then, but the new wave of pictures is just too much. It bothers me. I told him that I don't think you can "own" a person, but he is MY husband....and it's inappropriate to send pictures of yourself, obviously in an attempt to show off and possibly garner compliments, to a married man, no matter what your intention is. And I don't think there is ANY intention there on either of their parts.....I just feel like it's inappropriate and insensitive. She doesn't know me....doesn't know anything about me, anything about our situation, doesn't really even know DH much anymore. I've tried to imagine what led to her divorce. Perhaps Josie's husband hurt her like mine has hurt me......and this is her way of trying to scrape her self esteem out of the gutter.
I DO think men and women can be friends....I am just much more leery than I was in the past.
I have a few male friends. Mostly old friends from high school. I am not friends with any old boyfriends....most of my relationships didn't end amicably enough for that. I keep in touch with one of my guy friends on Facebook. We used to email quite a bit then he switched to a job where he wasn't in an office and I didn't hear from him for probably a year until he looked me up on Facebook. My other high school guy friends are not ones I get together with or even hear from very often, but when we see each other we usually hug. I am also pretty good friends with a male neighbor. DH knows and likes him too but neighbor and I talk a lot more. He does nice things for me but he does that kind of stuff for everyone....it's not just me.
I have never felt the need to pay attention to my behavior around the opposite sex at all. I have never ever been tempted to cheat, even now. Well...that's not true. I sometimes would like to do it for the hurt factor but there are so many other things that play into with me. I could never do it because of my kids, even if they never found out. I just think my kids deserve for me to be a better person than that. And if I were not married, I still think they deserve for me to be better than to become involved with a married man. I had a friend in high school whose mom was dating a married man. It was common knowledge....my friend knew, the other kids in her family knew, we all knew. It was disgusting to me, even then.
But with DH....I am much more possessive and jealous than I used to be. There are things that didn't bother me previously that bother me a lot. Here's the issue I've been dealing with: DH has a friend he's known for years and years. I'll call her Josie. Josie lives in another state, a state where DH lived in the 80s and they knew each other from work. They have stayed in touch, though not excessively. Josie sometimes emails him stuff at work (usually stupid forward things), she sends Christmas cards to the house, they will occasionally call each other. I don't think he's actually spoken to her in years. I know about all this....it's no secret. I have even met Josie. We travelled to where she lives once and I met her, her DH, her kid. Sometime in the last 4 months or so, her emails to DH have increased. They are not JUST to DH, which is what keeps me from getting TOTALLY pissed off about it....they are to a bunch of other people, both male and female. She sends pictures now....lots of them. Mostly of herself, and most of the time it's pretty obvious that she sends them because she thinks she looks good in them. I told DH several months ago that I think she must have gotten divorced. There are NO pictures of her husband, no mention of him whatsoever.....then a Christmas card came with just her and her kid's name. So DH called her (told me he was going to), got her voicemail, then she sent him an email saying she'd call him sometime when she had a chance. I told DH that it didn't used to bother me that she sent him emails and called every now and then, but the new wave of pictures is just too much. It bothers me. I told him that I don't think you can "own" a person, but he is MY husband....and it's inappropriate to send pictures of yourself, obviously in an attempt to show off and possibly garner compliments, to a married man, no matter what your intention is. And I don't think there is ANY intention there on either of their parts.....I just feel like it's inappropriate and insensitive. She doesn't know me....doesn't know anything about me, anything about our situation, doesn't really even know DH much anymore. I've tried to imagine what led to her divorce. Perhaps Josie's husband hurt her like mine has hurt me......and this is her way of trying to scrape her self esteem out of the gutter.
I DO think men and women can be friends....I am just much more leery than I was in the past.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Lent
I don't normally give up anything for Lent. Occasionally I'll give up SOMETHING, just to go a long with the rest of the family, but usually it's something pretty painless or not very meaningful.
This year.....I am giving up something. I am giving up obsessing or searching for information related to my situation and affairs in general. I get some emails from various places....newsletters, tips, support, etc. I won't delete them, but I'll save them to read some other time. I also have been still pretty hot-and-heavy on my cyber-sleuthing. It's a compulsion....and actually pretty fruitful. I frequently check to see if she or her husband have filed for divorce. No evidence of that, but I did find out that this moron has had THREE traffic violations in the last year. THREE. I have had ONE ticket in my whole driving career and I, quite honestly, am not all that great a driver. She's had about a dozen in as many years. Just more evidence that she's an idiot......but what good does it do me to know that? Yes, I get some satisfaction knowing that she's "in trouble". But really all it does is keep all this fresh in my mind.....and thinking of one thing obsessively leads to thinking of other things obsessively....and next thing I know that's all I can think about. So I've given all that up, at least through Lent. And maybe forever. I spend way too much time on someone who is just not worth it.
This year.....I am giving up something. I am giving up obsessing or searching for information related to my situation and affairs in general. I get some emails from various places....newsletters, tips, support, etc. I won't delete them, but I'll save them to read some other time. I also have been still pretty hot-and-heavy on my cyber-sleuthing. It's a compulsion....and actually pretty fruitful. I frequently check to see if she or her husband have filed for divorce. No evidence of that, but I did find out that this moron has had THREE traffic violations in the last year. THREE. I have had ONE ticket in my whole driving career and I, quite honestly, am not all that great a driver. She's had about a dozen in as many years. Just more evidence that she's an idiot......but what good does it do me to know that? Yes, I get some satisfaction knowing that she's "in trouble". But really all it does is keep all this fresh in my mind.....and thinking of one thing obsessively leads to thinking of other things obsessively....and next thing I know that's all I can think about. So I've given all that up, at least through Lent. And maybe forever. I spend way too much time on someone who is just not worth it.
Monday, February 23, 2009
I am angry
That's a lot of my problem. I have just been very angry lately. Part of it, I'm sure, is the "anniversary" aspect of it. I can pretty much tell you what I was doing this time last year.....sitting on bed, staring at ceiling or out the window, alternating between distraught crying and numb, barely functioning and just half-assed doing what I needed to for my kids and around the house. Then there are dates that have significance.....they are significant because bad things happened. And those will keep up for the next 6 months. And I remember each and every one of them, practically down to the minute. How in the world is this old brain capable of remembering all those details? If I WANTED to remember something, chances are I wouldn't....like where I put something....I forget stuff like that on a daily basis.
We have a counseling appointment on Saturday and I'm really thinking of not going. Again. At least not with DH. I may go alone. I just can't see us having a productive session at all with me having all this anger. I know myself. I know how I can be. And then if DH becomes angry or starts any finger-pointing or turning the tables....watch out. When I saw the therapist alone last week, we did discuss how DH tries to compare what he's done with some things I've done. I don't know if this is an effort to minimize the damage that he's responsible for, or to make excuses, or what. Therapist did agree that there is no comparison and we need to address that.
I can look back on the last year, though, and see how much better things are in some ways.
There are parts of our relationship that have improved by leaps and bounds. Exponentially. Mostly just that we spend time together, make time for each other. Neither of us were so good about doing that for quite a while before all this happened. I actually think sometimes that I maybe, at some point, could have looked at his affair as almost a positive thing....it could have been the kick in the pants that we both needed....a wake-up call telling us to shape up or ship out. But then too much stuff happened after that for me to ever be able to look at this positively.
My mental state has improved a million times over. I was at the lowest point I'd ever been in my entire life a year ago. I think if I was inclined to have suicidal tendencies, I'd have been a goner. I think if I were more prone to depression I could have spiraled downward so far that I may have never recovered...or at least it would have been extremely difficult. I did spend a lot of the last year explaining away the obvious, just to make things better in my mind simply so I could bear it. I wasn't ready to face truths for a long time. I am stronger now, and I can do hard things.
We have a counseling appointment on Saturday and I'm really thinking of not going. Again. At least not with DH. I may go alone. I just can't see us having a productive session at all with me having all this anger. I know myself. I know how I can be. And then if DH becomes angry or starts any finger-pointing or turning the tables....watch out. When I saw the therapist alone last week, we did discuss how DH tries to compare what he's done with some things I've done. I don't know if this is an effort to minimize the damage that he's responsible for, or to make excuses, or what. Therapist did agree that there is no comparison and we need to address that.
I can look back on the last year, though, and see how much better things are in some ways.
There are parts of our relationship that have improved by leaps and bounds. Exponentially. Mostly just that we spend time together, make time for each other. Neither of us were so good about doing that for quite a while before all this happened. I actually think sometimes that I maybe, at some point, could have looked at his affair as almost a positive thing....it could have been the kick in the pants that we both needed....a wake-up call telling us to shape up or ship out. But then too much stuff happened after that for me to ever be able to look at this positively.
My mental state has improved a million times over. I was at the lowest point I'd ever been in my entire life a year ago. I think if I was inclined to have suicidal tendencies, I'd have been a goner. I think if I were more prone to depression I could have spiraled downward so far that I may have never recovered...or at least it would have been extremely difficult. I did spend a lot of the last year explaining away the obvious, just to make things better in my mind simply so I could bear it. I wasn't ready to face truths for a long time. I am stronger now, and I can do hard things.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Today's appointment
I had a counseling session alone today. It is bothering DH to no end. I'm surprised he didn't ask me to record the whole thing. He hasn't come right out and asked me for every last details but he asked how it went and clearly is curious. I told him that it was actually good and I learned a lot. He asked what I learned a lot about and I said mostly me, some about him, and some of about that stupid worthless whore made me feel.
The reason I wanted to see him alone is because lately I've been thinking about things A LOT, too much. Things I don't want to think about, things that aren't really productive to think about. Bottom line is no matter what happens with my marriage, I can't carry this around forever. Him being in or out of my life probably wouldn't make any difference as far as these thoughts go. Lately something I've been dwelling on is a couple conversations I had with HER.....things she said to me that could practically make my brain explode and smoke come out of my ears. Another thing that's been bothering me surrounds the whole Valentine's Day last year bit. And that also ties into one of the comments she made to me. I told Dr. E. that what I felt when I found out he'd gotten me nothing yet got her something, is that I was "disposable". He was done with me, onto someone else, and I didn't matter anymore. At all.
When I brought that up, the counselor kind of had an "AHA" moment. All this is bothering me so much because I have felt pretty disposable my whole life. My dad....when my parents divorced he left and that was it. No visits, no child support, no nothing. He died a couple years ago and I didn't even find out until a year and a half later. I was disposable. My mom....when my parents got divorced, she was pretty much done parenting. I got pretty much no guidance at all. She was at first very depressed (understandable) and later way more interested in her social life than knowing what I was doing. I was on my own. I don't think her intentions were BAD, but the result was the same nonetheless. Again....disposable. I really felt like I should have been laying on the couch or looking at ink-blots. :)
I'm glad I went. It's sometimes nice to just have someone listen to you. Though my mind just races and I bounce from one thing to the next. He probably thinks I'm a total wackjob.
The reason I wanted to see him alone is because lately I've been thinking about things A LOT, too much. Things I don't want to think about, things that aren't really productive to think about. Bottom line is no matter what happens with my marriage, I can't carry this around forever. Him being in or out of my life probably wouldn't make any difference as far as these thoughts go. Lately something I've been dwelling on is a couple conversations I had with HER.....things she said to me that could practically make my brain explode and smoke come out of my ears. Another thing that's been bothering me surrounds the whole Valentine's Day last year bit. And that also ties into one of the comments she made to me. I told Dr. E. that what I felt when I found out he'd gotten me nothing yet got her something, is that I was "disposable". He was done with me, onto someone else, and I didn't matter anymore. At all.
When I brought that up, the counselor kind of had an "AHA" moment. All this is bothering me so much because I have felt pretty disposable my whole life. My dad....when my parents divorced he left and that was it. No visits, no child support, no nothing. He died a couple years ago and I didn't even find out until a year and a half later. I was disposable. My mom....when my parents got divorced, she was pretty much done parenting. I got pretty much no guidance at all. She was at first very depressed (understandable) and later way more interested in her social life than knowing what I was doing. I was on my own. I don't think her intentions were BAD, but the result was the same nonetheless. Again....disposable. I really felt like I should have been laying on the couch or looking at ink-blots. :)
I'm glad I went. It's sometimes nice to just have someone listen to you. Though my mind just races and I bounce from one thing to the next. He probably thinks I'm a total wackjob.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
And today is even worse than Valentine's Day
Today is the "anniversary"....the day my heart broke.
I had planned on giving myself a mental health day today....just do whatever I wanted, or do nothing. Just sit and cry, sit and watch TV, eat like a pig. But it's really just been a day like any other.
I had planned on giving myself a mental health day today....just do whatever I wanted, or do nothing. Just sit and cry, sit and watch TV, eat like a pig. But it's really just been a day like any other.
Monday, February 16, 2009
Valentine's Day
I was so not looking forward to Valentine's Day this year. Last year's Valentine's Day, and the days surrounding it, were hell. Sheer hell. The most painful days of my life. If I think about it too much I can feel such pain and almost feel like I'm back there. But I made it through. My heart hurt quite a few times over the last few days, but I am done...it's over....and I never have to live through the "first Valentine's Day after" ever again. I think last night I was kind of wreck from dealing with all these emotions and not really talking about them because I got in bed last night and cried myself to sleep. I cried like I haven't in a long time.
I emailed our therapist last week and asked if I could see him alone before our next appointment, which is on the 28th. He said that was fine as long as DH knew I was coming in, which he does. I think DH is perplexed by the whole thing. He didn't really pry much, but did ask why I wanted to go. I just said I felt like I needed to. I guess if it was something I wanted to discuss with him I'd do it when we had our appointment together.
I emailed our therapist last week and asked if I could see him alone before our next appointment, which is on the 28th. He said that was fine as long as DH knew I was coming in, which he does. I think DH is perplexed by the whole thing. He didn't really pry much, but did ask why I wanted to go. I just said I felt like I needed to. I guess if it was something I wanted to discuss with him I'd do it when we had our appointment together.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
"I never meant to hurt you"
If I never hear those words strung together ever again, it will be too soon. I LOATHE that statement. I'm sure you've guessed by now that I've heard DH say it. A million times. But guess what? I don't buy it.
Okay....giving him the benefit of the doubt, maybe he didn't have an affair with that in mind...."wow, this will REALLY hurt her. I'm going to go for it". But every step of the way, did he ever think I'd be HAPPY about what he was doing? Did he think I'd like it? If he was thinking at all, he'd know the answer is no, I would not have approved. Of course not.
That counseling appointment I have in a few weeks....I'm thinking of cancelling that one too. I may go by myself before that, but I just am not interested anymore. I think I am finally getting through my thick head that we are done here. And I say this in absence of any drama, trauma, or anything noteworthy....there's nothing going on at all except the realization that this just ain't gonna work. I have moments of happiness with DH but I have many more moments where I think "what am I doing?" or "who am I kidding?" and I just don't think I want to look at his face anymore.
Will this pass? Should I just ride it out?
Okay....giving him the benefit of the doubt, maybe he didn't have an affair with that in mind...."wow, this will REALLY hurt her. I'm going to go for it". But every step of the way, did he ever think I'd be HAPPY about what he was doing? Did he think I'd like it? If he was thinking at all, he'd know the answer is no, I would not have approved. Of course not.
That counseling appointment I have in a few weeks....I'm thinking of cancelling that one too. I may go by myself before that, but I just am not interested anymore. I think I am finally getting through my thick head that we are done here. And I say this in absence of any drama, trauma, or anything noteworthy....there's nothing going on at all except the realization that this just ain't gonna work. I have moments of happiness with DH but I have many more moments where I think "what am I doing?" or "who am I kidding?" and I just don't think I want to look at his face anymore.
Will this pass? Should I just ride it out?
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
"Incompability Landmines"
For the last 6 months or so, I've felt like someone at my local newspaper has been stalking me. The Life section has been full of articles about divorce in general, financial tips for divorcing couples, infidelity, marital strife, is this relationship worth salvaging, blah blah blah. Today there's an article called Incompatibility Landmines, Avoid a Failed Relationship by Recognizing the Warning Signs. It is only about 19 years too late. :) Seriously, it practically screams my name. Here are the signs, and scary thing is, almost every single one applies to me/us. Ack.
- Significant age difference - check (12 years - article says 10-15 years or more).
- Lack of sexual compability - okay, this one doesn't really apply...though I guess maybe it has at various times in our marriage (depending on how other parts of our relationship were going)
- Religious differences - check
- Differences in wanting children - this one doesn't necessarily apply either. Kind of. I think we were on the same page BEFORE any kids came along....the differences came later. I was never all gung-ho and dead-set on having kids. Never really thought about it much. I guess because I came from such a miserable family I just couldn't picture myself having a great one. I think I could have gone my whole life without having kids, though that might have changed as I got older. Kid #1 was unplanned. Kids #2 and #3....well ONE of them was unplanned. I know DH loves all his kids, but I think he seems them as a hinderance at times and I am not sure if he'd put them first if a situation required that. I am fairly sure that he would have probably led a happier life with no kids, while I am the total opposite. I didn't THINK I wanted kids, but WOW.....are they ever awesome.
- Toxic in-laws, ex-spouses, and stepchildren - check. Sort of. In-laws not toxic or around enough to make any difference. Ex-spouse and stepchildren not toxic either....but most certainly have created challenges at various times.
- Background differences - check.
- Differences in values - check. CHECK CHECK CHECK. And I think this is where the majority of our problems lie. Basically he has no values and I do. :)
Monday, February 2, 2009
Perception is interesting
For the last year I haven't been myself. In some ways that's actually good. I've made some changes that really needed to happen, though I didn't really know it at the time. For a very long time I really didn't want to interact with anyone. My contact with anyone outside my family was pretty minimal. I was okay on the phone with friends but getting together, face-to-face was not something I was interested in at all. It was very difficult for me to get out and mingle. I did it when it was unavoidable and I managed. Basically it's felt like I've been walking around with a black cloud over my head. That's gotten progressively better, thank God.
Over the weekend, oldest kid had a basketball game. There are two athletic booster ladies we call the "booster Nazis". They run a tight ship....overseeing the concession stands, selling tickets to events. They are large and in charge. One of them is an older lady with kids about my age. She is really friendly. I walked in to buy my ticket on Saturday and she said "Now there's my ray of sunshine!" I know I looked totally dumbfounded. Me??? Ray of sunshine??? Seriously??? I think I might have looked behind me to see if there was a pleasant, happy person standing back there. Nope...she really was talking to me. I said "I don't think I've ever been called THAT before." She said "Well, I'm surprised. You are so nice and positive and happy all the time. It makes my day when you walk through that door." !!! I thanked her for being so sweet, but I walked off scratching my head. Unless she was totally bullshitting me, she obviously sees something I don't. I am not really one to try to act all chipper and cheerful when I'm dying inside, either. So she must have just caught me on good days or else she's normally surrounded by grouchy bitches. :) It's just funny to hear how someone else perceives you.
I've noticed some changes lately in myself that I am just trying to experience, and not interpret and dissect them to death. DH had two days off work last week due to the snow. First day, the kids were home too. The second day they had school. I was actually extremely disappointed that he wasn't going to work. I wanted to be alone, wanted to get back in my normal routine. Most of the time during all this, I was so clingy and just desperate for time with him alone....time to try to gauge how he was feeling, what he was doing, how he felt about me. Now I have more and more occasions where I think I just don't want to look at him right now. At night I find myself curled up in a ball facing away from him, which is how I slept for several months last year.....first when I felt something was amiss but couldn't put my finger on it, then when I KNEW something was up but didn't come right out and ask (and looking back, it probably would have been pointless - he would have lied and I'm sure he knew that I knew anyway). It's an interesting evolution.
Over the weekend, oldest kid had a basketball game. There are two athletic booster ladies we call the "booster Nazis". They run a tight ship....overseeing the concession stands, selling tickets to events. They are large and in charge. One of them is an older lady with kids about my age. She is really friendly. I walked in to buy my ticket on Saturday and she said "Now there's my ray of sunshine!" I know I looked totally dumbfounded. Me??? Ray of sunshine??? Seriously??? I think I might have looked behind me to see if there was a pleasant, happy person standing back there. Nope...she really was talking to me. I said "I don't think I've ever been called THAT before." She said "Well, I'm surprised. You are so nice and positive and happy all the time. It makes my day when you walk through that door." !!! I thanked her for being so sweet, but I walked off scratching my head. Unless she was totally bullshitting me, she obviously sees something I don't. I am not really one to try to act all chipper and cheerful when I'm dying inside, either. So she must have just caught me on good days or else she's normally surrounded by grouchy bitches. :) It's just funny to hear how someone else perceives you.
I've noticed some changes lately in myself that I am just trying to experience, and not interpret and dissect them to death. DH had two days off work last week due to the snow. First day, the kids were home too. The second day they had school. I was actually extremely disappointed that he wasn't going to work. I wanted to be alone, wanted to get back in my normal routine. Most of the time during all this, I was so clingy and just desperate for time with him alone....time to try to gauge how he was feeling, what he was doing, how he felt about me. Now I have more and more occasions where I think I just don't want to look at him right now. At night I find myself curled up in a ball facing away from him, which is how I slept for several months last year.....first when I felt something was amiss but couldn't put my finger on it, then when I KNEW something was up but didn't come right out and ask (and looking back, it probably would have been pointless - he would have lied and I'm sure he knew that I knew anyway). It's an interesting evolution.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Gave myself a 5 week pass
We had our appointment this morning. I majorly screwed up because I thought it was at 11:30 and it was actually at 11:00....so we showed up 30 minutes late. I hate tardiness so I really am annoyed with myself that I did that. But it actually turned out okay. We didn't need more than 30 minutes anyway. We went in, I told him that I hadn't wanted to come and why, and we scheduled an appointment for the end of February. He was just concerned that I would go downhill between now and then, but I do have the option of going in, either alone or with DH, before then if I wanted to.
I do think DH is a little worried though. He'd sent an email to the counselor about something else that week and forwarded had messed up the email address, so the counselor never got it. When DH figured that out, he forwarded the message to both the doctor and me. At the end of the message, DH had said that I was reluctant to come and he doesn't know what to do...he's at a loss. I think I might have hit the nail on the head when I said that I think DH is afraid that if I'm done with counseling I'm done with him too. And I may be mean, but I think it might be good to let him worry a little bit. Let him walk in my shoes for a while.
I do think DH is a little worried though. He'd sent an email to the counselor about something else that week and forwarded had messed up the email address, so the counselor never got it. When DH figured that out, he forwarded the message to both the doctor and me. At the end of the message, DH had said that I was reluctant to come and he doesn't know what to do...he's at a loss. I think I might have hit the nail on the head when I said that I think DH is afraid that if I'm done with counseling I'm done with him too. And I may be mean, but I think it might be good to let him worry a little bit. Let him walk in my shoes for a while.
Friday, January 23, 2009
A little better....
....but not a whole lot.
We have a counseling appt tomorrow. I almost cancelled this one too. I just want to tell him that I want to take a break. Give me a month to get past some of these "anniversaries". But I never cancelled so I guess I'm going, unless I send DH alone. But I'm planning to tell him that I'm apprehensive about these appointments right now....that I really just don't want to face them, that getting through each day is sometimes hard enough. Discussing that should take up a nice chunk of the hour anyway. :) It's funny though....when I told DH that I didn't really want to go to the appointment, I thought he'd be all over that like wet underwear. He really wasn't. He didn't try to talk me into going, but he didn't go right along with quitting therapy either....he's just kind of acting like it's understood that we're going. I can't imagine what he's thinking.....but I wonder if he is thinking that if I give up on counseling I'm giving up on him too?
We have a counseling appt tomorrow. I almost cancelled this one too. I just want to tell him that I want to take a break. Give me a month to get past some of these "anniversaries". But I never cancelled so I guess I'm going, unless I send DH alone. But I'm planning to tell him that I'm apprehensive about these appointments right now....that I really just don't want to face them, that getting through each day is sometimes hard enough. Discussing that should take up a nice chunk of the hour anyway. :) It's funny though....when I told DH that I didn't really want to go to the appointment, I thought he'd be all over that like wet underwear. He really wasn't. He didn't try to talk me into going, but he didn't go right along with quitting therapy either....he's just kind of acting like it's understood that we're going. I can't imagine what he's thinking.....but I wonder if he is thinking that if I give up on counseling I'm giving up on him too?
Friday, January 16, 2009
This has been a long, bad week
Started off with DH leaving for the week. It's weird....I don't really miss him but at the same time, I'm struggling with him being gone. I think I mentioned in my previous post (but I'm too lazy to go check!) that this particular place he went just is a trigger for all kinds of negative emotions. I have had crazy thoughts all week. DH has not helped really. First two days, he called, texted, or emailed a lot. A friend finds it odd that we communicate so much during the day, but we do and really always have. Second two days....not so much. In fact, hardly at all. And that gets my mind racing in a million directions at once. I hate that feeling. I feel so beyond all that sometimes, but obviously I'm not. And really, the answer is probably that HE'S BUSY. I guess what I have a hard time with is this: he has proven to me that he is capable of all kinds of awfulness and there's really not a lot I'd put past him. So why am I here? No one can answer that but me....and I don't have an answer. I think what's happened is back over the late summer, when some stuff was going on, I was pretty set on what was going to happen: I was getting out. And DH was busting his tail to get back in my good graces. And I caved. I wanted to believe, and sometimes I almost can. And now....when things are good, I can actually be hopeful. But when things are bad...I think of all the awful things he's done, the horrible lies he's told, how good an actor he's become....and I think I'm crazy. Truly crazy.
Then also this week kid #1 had a lot of horrible teen-girl drama at school. She usually doesn't have many problems with that. For the most part she's clueless. I know more gossip than she does. But yesterday was bad....really, really. Like she sat by her locker and cried instead of eating lunch, then came home to cry some more. I honestly can't tell you the last time I saw this kid cry. It's just heartbreaking to see your kid hurt like that. All I can say is this is the first major episode of this....some girls' entire existences are full of drama, trauma, fights, crying.
Then also this week kid #1 had a lot of horrible teen-girl drama at school. She usually doesn't have many problems with that. For the most part she's clueless. I know more gossip than she does. But yesterday was bad....really, really. Like she sat by her locker and cried instead of eating lunch, then came home to cry some more. I honestly can't tell you the last time I saw this kid cry. It's just heartbreaking to see your kid hurt like that. All I can say is this is the first major episode of this....some girls' entire existences are full of drama, trauma, fights, crying.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
I don't know what's wrong with me
I have been so down this week. DH is out of town. He is out of town at the same place he went last year when he was all hot and heavy with the ugly dumbass,and a lot of his plotting and lying revolved around that trip to this place. Apparently it's a trigger and I'm NOT dealing well with it at all. I've spent a lot of time staring out the window, crying, just wallowing in misery. Misery is a little strong....I'm not totally miserable....I am just sad, tired of it all.
One thing that's coming to me though.....I am not sure I love him anymore. Maybe it's just lessening. It actually kind of makes me happy, in a weird way.
I'm a party -pooper.
One thing that's coming to me though.....I am not sure I love him anymore. Maybe it's just lessening. It actually kind of makes me happy, in a weird way.
I'm a party -pooper.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Appointment looming - Saturday
And I don't want to go. Really don't want to go AT ALL. Will I go? Probably. But I don't want to. I've been in a funk since our last session. Nothing really has happened, I just feel like if this is what our life is like, I don't want it.
I have wondered quite a bit what things would have been like if I had been the one to cheat. A friend says she thinks men are more forgiving. I don't know that I agree. I think women TRY to be more forgiving because I think women are more interested in keeping their family intact if possible. I don't think men care about that nearly as much. I really think if I had strayed, he'd be gone by now.
Aside from my generally funky lowness, things have been okay. I don't trust him and really wonder if I ever will again. Now I'm at this odd place where I have thoughts cross my mind but I don't care nearly enough to look any further. I figure if anything happens I will find out....which is really a pretty crappy attitude to have. Counselor even asked DH that - is that how you want your wife to think?
I know I'm whining....but I really just don't wanna go. Waaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
I have wondered quite a bit what things would have been like if I had been the one to cheat. A friend says she thinks men are more forgiving. I don't know that I agree. I think women TRY to be more forgiving because I think women are more interested in keeping their family intact if possible. I don't think men care about that nearly as much. I really think if I had strayed, he'd be gone by now.
Aside from my generally funky lowness, things have been okay. I don't trust him and really wonder if I ever will again. Now I'm at this odd place where I have thoughts cross my mind but I don't care nearly enough to look any further. I figure if anything happens I will find out....which is really a pretty crappy attitude to have. Counselor even asked DH that - is that how you want your wife to think?
I know I'm whining....but I really just don't wanna go. Waaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Therapy sucks
We had our first appointment that was really really awful. Crying, yelling. Both from me, I might add. Nastiness from DH. He has apologized over and over....says he hates that he made me cry because he's hurt me enough already. Asked me if I wanted to quit going (and probably secretly hoping to God that I'd say yes). And right now, I'd have to say YES, I'd LOVE to quit going. But I know that most things worth doing are not easy, and I imagine that by the time our next appointment rolls around in two weeks I'll be headed back.
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