I got a comment from Anonymous wishing me a happy Thanksgiving and I realized that I haven't blogged in over 2 months. I'm such a slacker. Actually not blogging is a good sign with me. When my blogs were frequent and rambling, I was in a bad place mentally. I could think of nothing but my situation.....my mind raced. Now.....in some ways things are a million times better. Some things are the same. But *I* am back. I am pretty much ME again.
H is still around. But things are so so so different now. For months and months, I focused on him and us and getting away alone and talking and working on things....ad nauseum. Now, I worry about my kids and I worry about myself. He is welcome to hang out on the periphery as long as he stays out of my way, but he and our relationship no longer take center stage. I no longer hope that things will work out. I know they won't and I don't even want them to. I want to be left alone. I haven't touched him except for ONE HUG in 6 months. I sleep on an inch of bed with my back turned to him every night. He occasionally tries to cuddle up to me, and that's my cue to get up for the day. Before you say it....I already know that this is no way to live. But as far as taking the final step....I struggle with it so much. Not for myself, but because of my kids.
I know I don't sound happy, but in many ways I am. No longer holding onto that delusional thinking that things will really work out is so freeing. I used to think of the future with just me and my kids as a negative thing.....now I imagine it as being peaceful and happy. I will get there eventually.
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3 comments:
Wow. That must be really hard.
yes you will get there. I know you will. I like that you are focusing on taking care of you. One day I hope that includes feeling comfortable and serene in your own bed.
ditto. keep focusing on your and your kids and it's all going to work out for you and them.
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