Happy for me, sad for my kids.....getting out of my marriage, getting on with my life.

Friday, September 11, 2009

Comments

To respond to some of the comments on my previous post......

.....not running anymore. I had to give it up. I have had horrible hip pain on and off for years, since my last pregnancy. When I was running, it didn't hurt at the time but it sure hurt bad later. Really bad....it took me forever to get out of bed every morning and get moving. I had never been to a chiropractor before and was a little leery of them, but a friend recommended a really good one so I decided to give him a shot. He recommened no running until I get this figured out....and he actually doesn't recommend running for anyone over age 25. !!!! I would still like to get back into running a couple miles a day. Quick and effective. So we'll see. He said he could have me all fixed up in maybe 6 weeks. In the meantime he doesn't even want me to walk for exercise....he said he'd prefer biking or swimming. Neither of which appeal to me.

I am trying not to beat myself up for not taking action on what I know I need to do. But I also know that I WILL do it. I try to imagine if there are any circumstances that would make me change my mind....and I really can't think of any except perhaps terminal illness (God forbid) or some kind of major financial disaster or something....I don't know. My mind is made up.

I am not getting sucked back, which is what has happened in the past. Not interested, won't allow it, won't even allow an attempt at it. So I'm definitely in a different place mentally than I have been.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

I'm alive!!!

In case you were afraid I wasn't....I thought I'd better check in.

I'll get right to the point. I've decided to get out of my marriage. Now...keep in mind that it took me over a year to come to that decision. Who the hell knows how long it will take me to actually DO it. I feel like I am perched on the edge of a cliff, just waiting to leap....and I just can't do it. I feel like if someone would just give me a shove, I'd fly....I'd soar....I'd be taking that leap.

What's holding me back is my kids. It's not him. I don't want him. I don't love him. I don't even like him anymore. We are nice enough to each other but I don't want him to touch me, I don't want to go anywhere with him unless absolutely necessary or if it's with the rest of the family. I just think about my dear, sweet kids....and how their whole life is going to change. It's really awful.

Had an interesting thing happen on Sunday. I went to Sam's Club. Turned into the frozen aisle and saw HER. She had parked her cart about 3/4 of the way down the aisle and apparently walked ahead to look at something. She walked back to get the cart, and she saw me before I saw her. When I noticed her, she was already looking at me. I didn't turn away...I deliberately stared at her but didn't do anything else. She grabbed her cart and hightailed it out of there. She was with someone else who was not her husband, so it wasn't like she could up and leave the store. Saw her a couple more times in the store then in the parking lot. I am so glad I didn't have my kids with me. I don't want her looking at them, as stupid as that sounds. I told H about it the following day. I didn't tell him when I came home because if he got crappy about it I would most certainly go off on him. He didn't really say much...what could he say? But later he sent me an email asking me what his reaction was supposed to be to that. I said whatever the hell he wanted it to be. What a stupid question. So today I asked him if he thought I shouldn't have brought it up....and he said he didn't understand why I even told him. Huh? Really...it is amazing that I've never seen her any other time....but still, it is a fairly noteworthy event. It would even be traumatic to some....and I think if I still cared it would be traumatic to me. Just another example of the insensitive ass I chose for a husband.

On a brighter note....I'm taking a weekend trip to NYC in about 6 weeks and cannot wait! I'm going with a friend and her 19 yr old daughter. Should be fun!

And on a weird note.....the PI I hired to follow H last year? He's been emailing me and asking me out for coffee. Not really quite sure how to take those invitations.....I'm pretty sure he's married....but I've chosen to just ignore them.