In case you were afraid I wasn't....I thought I'd better check in.
I'll get right to the point. I've decided to get out of my marriage. Now...keep in mind that it took me over a year to come to that decision. Who the hell knows how long it will take me to actually DO it. I feel like I am perched on the edge of a cliff, just waiting to leap....and I just can't do it. I feel like if someone would just give me a shove, I'd fly....I'd soar....I'd be taking that leap.
What's holding me back is my kids. It's not him. I don't want him. I don't love him. I don't even like him anymore. We are nice enough to each other but I don't want him to touch me, I don't want to go anywhere with him unless absolutely necessary or if it's with the rest of the family. I just think about my dear, sweet kids....and how their whole life is going to change. It's really awful.
Had an interesting thing happen on Sunday. I went to Sam's Club. Turned into the frozen aisle and saw HER. She had parked her cart about 3/4 of the way down the aisle and apparently walked ahead to look at something. She walked back to get the cart, and she saw me before I saw her. When I noticed her, she was already looking at me. I didn't turn away...I deliberately stared at her but didn't do anything else. She grabbed her cart and hightailed it out of there. She was with someone else who was not her husband, so it wasn't like she could up and leave the store. Saw her a couple more times in the store then in the parking lot. I am so glad I didn't have my kids with me. I don't want her looking at them, as stupid as that sounds. I told H about it the following day. I didn't tell him when I came home because if he got crappy about it I would most certainly go off on him. He didn't really say much...what could he say? But later he sent me an email asking me what his reaction was supposed to be to that. I said whatever the hell he wanted it to be. What a stupid question. So today I asked him if he thought I shouldn't have brought it up....and he said he didn't understand why I even told him. Huh? Really...it is amazing that I've never seen her any other time....but still, it is a fairly noteworthy event. It would even be traumatic to some....and I think if I still cared it would be traumatic to me. Just another example of the insensitive ass I chose for a husband.
On a brighter note....I'm taking a weekend trip to NYC in about 6 weeks and cannot wait! I'm going with a friend and her 19 yr old daughter. Should be fun!
And on a weird note.....the PI I hired to follow H last year? He's been emailing me and asking me out for coffee. Not really quite sure how to take those invitations.....I'm pretty sure he's married....but I've chosen to just ignore them.
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7 comments:
now that you've decided? are you going to tell him? or that's the you don't know when part?
is he thinking that you are staying together?
i'm proud that you sound so strong and certain ....
Thank you for writting so we know you are ok.
You have made a huge step in making up your mind. Don't get on yourself about not jumping up to take action just yet. Take you time and do things you feel are right- in your own time frame.
Remember you have the power over your life now.
Congrats on that step and moving forward...thats what life is all about :)
Remember there are people cheering for you and wishing you nothing but the best!
Glad to hear from you. I was wondering what was going on and thinking all kinds of crazy things that could have happened once you told him (I thought you told him from your last posting). It's a sick feeling when you run into OW isn't it. Your stomach just kind of drops. On a different note, how's the running going? Too weird/funny about the PI. It must feel a little good though to know you still got it!!!
His reaction says so much. And adds another nail to his coffin, I suppose.
Again, very sorry that all of this, any of this has happened to you. But like e, I'm proud you have come through this with a confidence and determination. It's like you have managed to remain whole despite feeling broken in half a year ago.
As for your kids, I'm guessing they can see and feel the tension. Lots of kids say they are relieved when their parents finally talk about divorce. When they get to see their mom happy once again.
I don't know how yours will handle this but I bet they are strong like you.
I've checked in on your blog daily and was worried about you. It's great your back. Thanks for letting us know you're 'better than okay!"
WOW. You married my ex. And I can attest: It was good to leave. Not painless, but it was good. For me. For the future. Of all. Do what is right for you, when it's right for you. It's a process. :o)
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