I think the weekend was just kind of hard....much different than the normal routine. That just takes some getting used to. I've been a lot better the last couple days.
My attorney (he's not really *my* attorney....I haven't retained him, just had a consultation) had originally told me NOT to get a job. He said that my income has been zero all these years and I should keep it that way. But I just don't know. If the marriage ends, I'd like to be able to buy a house. Can't do that with no income. I don't want to rent because 1) it's throwing money away essentially and 2) (and this might sound stupid to some people) I'd hate to not be able to keep my pets...that would be absolutely devestating to both me and the kids. I'm going to call the attorney and run this past him, but I think I'm going to work on my resume then try to find something part-time...hopefully after the holidays. I would likely need something full-time later but I think working part-time now would make the transition easier when that time comes. Plus it's always easier to get a job when you have a job. Any resume tips on making the most of my time away from the workforce would be appreciated.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Still sad :(
I am still sad. Just plain old sad. I hate it. I feel myself slipping back into old ways and I desperately don't want to. So working on that.
I have said repeatedly from the beginning of all this "time will tell". And it will. Anything that needs to be known will come out somehow, sometime.
I just need to find peace. At times I've had it, at times I lose sight of it. I guess I need to realize that here, there, wherever....if he wants to be true and honest and right and good, he can. Location makes no diference.
One thing that I'm doing that's something I did in the early days of this fiasco is I look forward to going to bed. When evening rolls around, I can barely wait until I can climb into bed, close my eyes, and forget the world for a while...like for 7 or 8 hours. Last night kid #1 was out and I didn't want to go to sleep until she got home, but I got into bed with a book at 9:30. Of course when she came home at 11 I was passed out with a book on my chest. :) Right now it's almost 6:30 and I'm wondering if it's too early to put my pajamas on. I guess getting some beauty sleep is more productive than torturing myself with some of the thoughts in my head.
I have said repeatedly from the beginning of all this "time will tell". And it will. Anything that needs to be known will come out somehow, sometime.
I just need to find peace. At times I've had it, at times I lose sight of it. I guess I need to realize that here, there, wherever....if he wants to be true and honest and right and good, he can. Location makes no diference.
One thing that I'm doing that's something I did in the early days of this fiasco is I look forward to going to bed. When evening rolls around, I can barely wait until I can climb into bed, close my eyes, and forget the world for a while...like for 7 or 8 hours. Last night kid #1 was out and I didn't want to go to sleep until she got home, but I got into bed with a book at 9:30. Of course when she came home at 11 I was passed out with a book on my chest. :) Right now it's almost 6:30 and I'm wondering if it's too early to put my pajamas on. I guess getting some beauty sleep is more productive than torturing myself with some of the thoughts in my head.
Friday, October 24, 2008
I am sad
Nothing in particular has happened to make me sad....but I am sad. I feel sad and tired and scared and confused. DH can tell too....called today to check on me. Dr E told us not to talk about "it" while he's out of town. That made DH mighty happy. On the one hand, I think after what he's done to me, I am entitled to talk about whatever the hell I want. But on the other hand, it really doesn't help anything. It's good practice for me in keeping my mouth shut...something that could always use a little work.
I find myself slipping back into old thought patterns. It's stuff I don't want to revisit. Triggers and images and nagging thoughts. I don't need them. But it all comes back to one thing: he's lied to me so many times, why should I believe him now? I guess this is what I'm talking about when I say at the one-year point if I feel like this I'm done.
I feel like I miss DH but I'm not sure if I do. I think I may be confusing sadness with missing him. I guess I'll be able to tell if I really missed him or not by how I feel when I see him again.
I find myself slipping back into old thought patterns. It's stuff I don't want to revisit. Triggers and images and nagging thoughts. I don't need them. But it all comes back to one thing: he's lied to me so many times, why should I believe him now? I guess this is what I'm talking about when I say at the one-year point if I feel like this I'm done.
I feel like I miss DH but I'm not sure if I do. I think I may be confusing sadness with missing him. I guess I'll be able to tell if I really missed him or not by how I feel when I see him again.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Quote and other stuff
"When people show you who they are, believe them the first time." I had mentioned this quote a couple posts ago , received a comment on it, and thought it was worth further discussion. I think this quote can be interpreted in different ways. To ME, and my situation, I think it likely means that DH has shown me what he's capable of, shown me the kind of person he is, and I need to realize that it's true.....he's shown me who he is and I need to deal with it. But I do think it can also be untrue. There are a lot of times people choose actions that don't really "show who they are". Instead they are showing a lapse in judgment, a period of weakness, a problem that could be resolved. Everyone makes mistakes, and I guess it's how they deal with the aftermath that's important.
I have been a major wuss about something. DH and I had been seeing Dr. S together. After a major, MAJOR setback, I wouldn't let DH go anymore and had been seeing him alone. I told Dr S that I was divorcing, though I didn't want to, and he has kind of run with that.....pretty much all we discuss is how I will deal with being a single mom. He said that DH really needed to be in therapy on his own and that I needed to encourage that. So I asked DH if he would see Dr E, who was recommended by our priest. DH said yes....we saw Dr E together first, then DH saw him on his own twice, then we saw him together again and are seeing him again in a month when DH comes back. Dr E told me at our first appointment that it was fine for me to see one therapist on my own and to see another with DH, but that I'd need to tell Dr. S what I was doing. I had an appointment the following week that I needed to reschedule, so I called Dr S and left a message....said I needed to reschedule that appointment and also discuss something with him. He called back that day and left a message. I have not called him back. I just know he won't approve. He has said that he doesn't think DH is very remorseful, that I won't ever be able to trust him, and that I need to figure out how I'm going to live on my own and how I'm going to get my girls through this with as little pain and suffering as possible. And obviously it's highly likely that he's totally correct about those things. So I haven't called him back because I just don't want to hear his disapproval. I keep telling myself that I'm an adult and am free to make my own choices....good, bad, or indifferent. I just need to put on my big girl panties and pick up the phone. But I don't want to.
Dr E did mention something interesting at our last appointment. I can't really remember what I said that led up to this comment, but he said "you also just want to know if he's a pathological liar, and I plan to do some psychological testing". I am intrigued and can't wait to find out more about that.
I have been a major wuss about something. DH and I had been seeing Dr. S together. After a major, MAJOR setback, I wouldn't let DH go anymore and had been seeing him alone. I told Dr S that I was divorcing, though I didn't want to, and he has kind of run with that.....pretty much all we discuss is how I will deal with being a single mom. He said that DH really needed to be in therapy on his own and that I needed to encourage that. So I asked DH if he would see Dr E, who was recommended by our priest. DH said yes....we saw Dr E together first, then DH saw him on his own twice, then we saw him together again and are seeing him again in a month when DH comes back. Dr E told me at our first appointment that it was fine for me to see one therapist on my own and to see another with DH, but that I'd need to tell Dr. S what I was doing. I had an appointment the following week that I needed to reschedule, so I called Dr S and left a message....said I needed to reschedule that appointment and also discuss something with him. He called back that day and left a message. I have not called him back. I just know he won't approve. He has said that he doesn't think DH is very remorseful, that I won't ever be able to trust him, and that I need to figure out how I'm going to live on my own and how I'm going to get my girls through this with as little pain and suffering as possible. And obviously it's highly likely that he's totally correct about those things. So I haven't called him back because I just don't want to hear his disapproval. I keep telling myself that I'm an adult and am free to make my own choices....good, bad, or indifferent. I just need to put on my big girl panties and pick up the phone. But I don't want to.
Dr E did mention something interesting at our last appointment. I can't really remember what I said that led up to this comment, but he said "you also just want to know if he's a pathological liar, and I plan to do some psychological testing". I am intrigued and can't wait to find out more about that.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
I miss him
I wish I didn't....but I do. I wish I hated him, but I don't. I wish I trusted him, but I don't. I wish I was using this time apart constructively, but I'm not (I will cut myself some slack on that since it's only been two days). I wish I was writing about something more interesting, but I'm not.
Whine whine whine. :)
Whine whine whine. :)
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Odd....interesting...wow...and other stuff
Slept alone last night for the first time since all this mess started (except for one night last month that he was out of town). Since February I have not slept well. I sleep, and I don't have long periods of lying there awake, but I do wake up frequently during the night. I would say I wake up maybe 10 times. Last night.....cracked window to let in nice cool air (LOVE sleeping like that), sprawled out in the middle of the bed, put head on pillow....and passed out. I could get used to this. :) But why did it happen? I wasn't THAT tired, and I'd had lots of caffeine yesterday....too much in fact. Is having him here that stressful to me and I just don't realize it? Is NOT having him here what will give me peace? I have 3 1/2 more weeks to figure that out.
We sit down and eat dinner as a family just about every night. That's always been very important to me and I try to make healthy and yummy meals. Sometimes one person is missing (most often daughter #1 if anyone - she is busy with sports and clubs and whatnot). Usually when DH is out of town, I don't really cook. I feed the girls obviously but I don't really make meals like I do on a normal night. Lots of waffles/yogurt/fruit/cereal or oatmeal, soup/grilled cheese, etc. But since he's going to be gone for a month I obviously can't go the whole time without cooking. I decided to treat this month as a "dry run".....to see how life with just me and my girls would be if that's how it was all the time. Clearly I wouldn't just stop cooking because I had no husband at home. If I really wanted to envision my possible new life, I'd get myself ready and dressed up and pretend I had to rush out the door every morning at 7:30 to get to work....but I think I might not take it that far. :)
Despite my night of blissful, restful sleep, I am in a funk today. I'm thinking things I don't want to think. Thinking things that used to consume me that I've tried hard to move away from. Wondering "why wouldn't he??" about having contact with this stupid, useless, ugly woman instead of assuming there isn't any. Dr E (new counselor) suggested last week that I just not bring up any issues while he's gone....save the comments for later, write them down if I need to, and talk about them at our next session (in 4 weeks) if I want to. It's hard....even though I really don't bring up much anymore anyway....and that's when I turn to my blog or my friends. My poor friends. :)
I saw a divorce attorney in August. He gave me loads of forms to fill out to file for divorce. I gave the whole envelope to my neighbor for safekeeping. I am planning to get it back while he's gone so I can start working on it and have it ready when/if I need it. I don't know that he looks through my stuff but I don't have an office or my own car to keep things in since I drive the family vehicle. I sometimes think I'd love to get into his office and see what he has hidden there. A few weeks ago he drove my car to work.....gas has been quite a bit cheaper up that way and he was going to fill it up. Before he left, I went out to the car to get a bag I had in there....with some books, copies of articles, magazine and newspaper clippings, my journal in it....all kinds of things related to this mess. He saw me get it and later sent an email asking what I had hidden in that bag. I didn't tell him....I just turned it around and asked what he keeps hidden that he doesn't want me to see. And of course I got no answer. I have another friend who is keeping a stash of cash for me. I "make a deposit" every now and then. I started my little nest egg with money I had found in his car....money he was using to finance his affair. I took it and I didn't give it back. He never asked for it either. I've wondered if he's ever looked for it....which is why I gave it to my friend. It's funny the way your mind works when you're trying to hide something. The most obscure hiding spots suddenly seem obvious. My personal choice was in one of several sunglasses pouches I had stuck in a dresser drawer. Then I start thinking of all HE hides/hid, and wonder how in the world he can function like that? Why would he want to?
We sit down and eat dinner as a family just about every night. That's always been very important to me and I try to make healthy and yummy meals. Sometimes one person is missing (most often daughter #1 if anyone - she is busy with sports and clubs and whatnot). Usually when DH is out of town, I don't really cook. I feed the girls obviously but I don't really make meals like I do on a normal night. Lots of waffles/yogurt/fruit/cereal or oatmeal, soup/grilled cheese, etc. But since he's going to be gone for a month I obviously can't go the whole time without cooking. I decided to treat this month as a "dry run".....to see how life with just me and my girls would be if that's how it was all the time. Clearly I wouldn't just stop cooking because I had no husband at home. If I really wanted to envision my possible new life, I'd get myself ready and dressed up and pretend I had to rush out the door every morning at 7:30 to get to work....but I think I might not take it that far. :)
Despite my night of blissful, restful sleep, I am in a funk today. I'm thinking things I don't want to think. Thinking things that used to consume me that I've tried hard to move away from. Wondering "why wouldn't he??" about having contact with this stupid, useless, ugly woman instead of assuming there isn't any. Dr E (new counselor) suggested last week that I just not bring up any issues while he's gone....save the comments for later, write them down if I need to, and talk about them at our next session (in 4 weeks) if I want to. It's hard....even though I really don't bring up much anymore anyway....and that's when I turn to my blog or my friends. My poor friends. :)
I saw a divorce attorney in August. He gave me loads of forms to fill out to file for divorce. I gave the whole envelope to my neighbor for safekeeping. I am planning to get it back while he's gone so I can start working on it and have it ready when/if I need it. I don't know that he looks through my stuff but I don't have an office or my own car to keep things in since I drive the family vehicle. I sometimes think I'd love to get into his office and see what he has hidden there. A few weeks ago he drove my car to work.....gas has been quite a bit cheaper up that way and he was going to fill it up. Before he left, I went out to the car to get a bag I had in there....with some books, copies of articles, magazine and newspaper clippings, my journal in it....all kinds of things related to this mess. He saw me get it and later sent an email asking what I had hidden in that bag. I didn't tell him....I just turned it around and asked what he keeps hidden that he doesn't want me to see. And of course I got no answer. I have another friend who is keeping a stash of cash for me. I "make a deposit" every now and then. I started my little nest egg with money I had found in his car....money he was using to finance his affair. I took it and I didn't give it back. He never asked for it either. I've wondered if he's ever looked for it....which is why I gave it to my friend. It's funny the way your mind works when you're trying to hide something. The most obscure hiding spots suddenly seem obvious. My personal choice was in one of several sunglasses pouches I had stuck in a dresser drawer. Then I start thinking of all HE hides/hid, and wonder how in the world he can function like that? Why would he want to?
Monday, October 20, 2008
I was wrong
I cried when I left. Hard. Then continued to cry a little (discreetly, I hope) on two flights. He sniffled. I was greeted by three girls who were very happy to see me. Four girls if you count the dog. :)
I read a couple magazines today. One was an Oprah magazine that my mom had given me. I am not a big Oprah fan and I normally either don't read the magazine or just flip through it. Today, since I had oodles of time on my hands, I read it cover to cover. On the back page she has a monthly column called "what I know for sure". This month she had her all-time top 20 things she knows for sure. A few jumped out at me:
I read a couple magazines today. One was an Oprah magazine that my mom had given me. I am not a big Oprah fan and I normally either don't read the magazine or just flip through it. Today, since I had oodles of time on my hands, I read it cover to cover. On the back page she has a monthly column called "what I know for sure". This month she had her all-time top 20 things she knows for sure. A few jumped out at me:
- When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.
- If you make a choice that goes against what everyone else thinks, the world will not fall apart.
- Trust your instincts. Intuition doesn't lie.
- Love doesn't hurt. It feels really good.
- Doubt means don't. Don't move. Don't answer. Don't rush forward.
Also read a quote in a Glamour that seemed like it was directed at me: Worry about the fear later. Just do what you need to do now.
A big problem I have now is trusting my instincts. So many times over the past few months, I have been pretty sure nothing's amiss and I have been wrong....when I've done a little investigating I have found out that a lot is amiss. I just feel like my instincts have failed me. Though I guess not....or I wouldn't have started digging if I REALLY felt like everything was fine.
Getting ready to go to bed....it's weird knowing I will be here with just the girls for an entire month.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Miscellaneous musings
I have become quite the cyber-sleuth. I've managed to find quite a bit of information...some useless, some pretty handy, and some that just feeds this beast that is my curiosity. I have a few readers who I don't know who've come across my blog and left comments. I wonder if I have more readers who don't comment....then I wonder if I have readers I DO know who wouldn't dare comment? Though I would have to say that I imagine most people are not as tenacious as I am at digging up clues. What does that say about me?? :)
It's amazing how things have changed since February. I was a mess for a long time....literally a mess. It wouldn't have taken much to push me over the edge. When there wasn't a crisis going on, I was in constant vigilant mode....checking, snooping, questioning, worrying, hypothesizing, rationalizing. And if I waited around long enough, I could be sure another crisis would come up. DH never managed to disappoint when it came to that. I managed to convince myself that many things were true or not true, depending on what I wanted the answers to be. I have only threatened divorce once....in August. It had been discussed, but I had never threatened it before because I wasn't sure I'd do it. Now I'm sure I'd do it. I am no longer desperate. I am just hanging out until I make my decision. I wouldn't call DH desperate either but he knows I mean it, that I will leave him. I used to try hard to fill silences....to keep up the banter, act interested, keep him engaged. Now....if I have something to say, I'll say it, but I also spend a lot of time thinking, reading, just taking it all in, watching the world go by. I don't feel responsible for keeping things going.
Tomorrow DH and I will start a month-long separation. Not by choice....he'll be attending a school for work for 4 weeks. I drove out with him and am flying home tomorrow alone. I will spend a month without him, a month with myself, a month with my girls. As much as I shouldn't, I'm sure I'll miss him. But I'm also looking forward to the time by myself. In the earlier months of this ordeal, I'd have been telling him how much I'd miss him, I'd have been clinging, fretting, crying, worrying, professing my love for him....wondering what he'd do without me breathing down his neck. Back in February or March, I didn't even want him alone in the house....and I know that sounds crazy because he has plenty of time alone en route to & from work, during the day when he's supposed to be at work, etc. I guess in my head, I thought that stopping him from doing something was the next best thing to him not wanting to do it in the first place. Now, I don't worry about those things so much. He's a big boy with the capability of making good choices if he wants to. And if he doesn't want to then I won't want to be with him. I've become much more standoffish. I have never gone back on my threat of divorce. I am still here....but I have never said I changed my mind either. I have said I am willing to explore a little longer, a little deeper. After spending 4 days alone with DH, travelling and exploring a new city, I am seeing a man I'm not used to seeing.....I'm seeing long, sad looks when he thinks I don't see him; getting long, hard, almost clingy hugs; I am hearing how much I'll be missed, how good I feel, how none of this will be nearly as much fun without me, how much he loves me. I am expecting tears at the airport tomorrow...amazingly not from me. I'll be sad to leave him too.....but now I walk away not caring nearly as much what he does when out of my sight. I can't control it and I try not to waste my time worrying about it either.
With this new counselor, I almost feel like he reads my mind sometimes. Somehow, back in February I made a smart decision....how I was capable of that I don't know. I decided to make no rash decisions, to give myself time...I felt that I deserved that, my kids deserved that, and despite what DH had done to me, he deserved it too. I decided I'd give myself a year.....that when February rolled around again, if I felt unhappy most of the time or I felt that we had made little progress or that DH wasn't really sorry or didn't care or just wanted to me to shut up about it, or if I found myself still wondering if anything is going on all the time....that I'd be finished. That I'd feel I'd done all I can do and I'd move on. Last week he said his goal is to get us to January or February and hopefully we'll be able to find ourselves in a much better place. I wanted to speak up and say "that's good....because if we're not I'm outta here!".
So tomorrow I get started on my month alone. I am really wondering which of the two of us will have a harder time with it.
It's amazing how things have changed since February. I was a mess for a long time....literally a mess. It wouldn't have taken much to push me over the edge. When there wasn't a crisis going on, I was in constant vigilant mode....checking, snooping, questioning, worrying, hypothesizing, rationalizing. And if I waited around long enough, I could be sure another crisis would come up. DH never managed to disappoint when it came to that. I managed to convince myself that many things were true or not true, depending on what I wanted the answers to be. I have only threatened divorce once....in August. It had been discussed, but I had never threatened it before because I wasn't sure I'd do it. Now I'm sure I'd do it. I am no longer desperate. I am just hanging out until I make my decision. I wouldn't call DH desperate either but he knows I mean it, that I will leave him. I used to try hard to fill silences....to keep up the banter, act interested, keep him engaged. Now....if I have something to say, I'll say it, but I also spend a lot of time thinking, reading, just taking it all in, watching the world go by. I don't feel responsible for keeping things going.
Tomorrow DH and I will start a month-long separation. Not by choice....he'll be attending a school for work for 4 weeks. I drove out with him and am flying home tomorrow alone. I will spend a month without him, a month with myself, a month with my girls. As much as I shouldn't, I'm sure I'll miss him. But I'm also looking forward to the time by myself. In the earlier months of this ordeal, I'd have been telling him how much I'd miss him, I'd have been clinging, fretting, crying, worrying, professing my love for him....wondering what he'd do without me breathing down his neck. Back in February or March, I didn't even want him alone in the house....and I know that sounds crazy because he has plenty of time alone en route to & from work, during the day when he's supposed to be at work, etc. I guess in my head, I thought that stopping him from doing something was the next best thing to him not wanting to do it in the first place. Now, I don't worry about those things so much. He's a big boy with the capability of making good choices if he wants to. And if he doesn't want to then I won't want to be with him. I've become much more standoffish. I have never gone back on my threat of divorce. I am still here....but I have never said I changed my mind either. I have said I am willing to explore a little longer, a little deeper. After spending 4 days alone with DH, travelling and exploring a new city, I am seeing a man I'm not used to seeing.....I'm seeing long, sad looks when he thinks I don't see him; getting long, hard, almost clingy hugs; I am hearing how much I'll be missed, how good I feel, how none of this will be nearly as much fun without me, how much he loves me. I am expecting tears at the airport tomorrow...amazingly not from me. I'll be sad to leave him too.....but now I walk away not caring nearly as much what he does when out of my sight. I can't control it and I try not to waste my time worrying about it either.
With this new counselor, I almost feel like he reads my mind sometimes. Somehow, back in February I made a smart decision....how I was capable of that I don't know. I decided to make no rash decisions, to give myself time...I felt that I deserved that, my kids deserved that, and despite what DH had done to me, he deserved it too. I decided I'd give myself a year.....that when February rolled around again, if I felt unhappy most of the time or I felt that we had made little progress or that DH wasn't really sorry or didn't care or just wanted to me to shut up about it, or if I found myself still wondering if anything is going on all the time....that I'd be finished. That I'd feel I'd done all I can do and I'd move on. Last week he said his goal is to get us to January or February and hopefully we'll be able to find ourselves in a much better place. I wanted to speak up and say "that's good....because if we're not I'm outta here!".
So tomorrow I get started on my month alone. I am really wondering which of the two of us will have a harder time with it.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Counseling
We have left a trail of counselors behind us.....strewn and discarded and ditched. DH saw one alone, we saw one together, we saw another together....2nd one we saw together I am now seeing alone. 2nd guy thinks DH really needs to be in therapy badly...so I asked DH to try new guy, 3rd guy, together figuring that's better than nothing. And why do I care if he has therapy or not, you may ask? Well....because I WOULD like to stay together if it is humanly possible (I realize it probably isn't), and even if we don't I'd like him to be a good father to our children and maybe figuring out why he is hell-bent on destruction would help with that. First appointment was last Monday. Could not have gone better if I'd planned it myself. DH was late (unavoidably detained at work), so I was alone for about 30 minutes. DH showed up. Talked for a while then new guy asked if he wanted to come alone, wanted me to come, did I want to come.... both of us said it's up to him, whatever he thinks is best. He said DH should come alone (which he did on Wed and will go again on Tue) and maybe I'd be brought back in at some point. New guy is very interesting....too much to go into to explain it here, but he is most definitely approaching this from a different angle than the other two counselors we've seen together. He also said that if we end up splitting, which is right now where he kind of sees this heading (gotta appreciate honesty), he'd like to bring us in together a few times to talk about how we can make the divorce as easy as possible on the kids. He talked about the kids A LOT. Told DH that there's very little more heartbreaking for a father than being rejected by a daughter....and he told DH to be assured that the girls will figure it all out.
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