For the first time in a long time....

....I'm actually excited about a holiday coming up. For the last year I've pretty much just gone through the motions for any big event. I am really looking forward to Thanksgiving. It feels nice to look forward to something.

In 3 months it will be the one-year mark....

....the magical drop dead date I set for myself. If I don't feel much more positive, less paranoid, more hopeful by then, I'm done, finished, gone, moving on. DH doesn't know about this. I never told him, and I don't think he needs to know either. My goal is to make the next 3 months as happy as possible for both of us. I want to enjoy Thanksgiving, I want to enjoy Christmas, we have an anniversary in there, and then the dreaded Valentine's Day is only days before my cut-off date. I will go to counseling, I will try, I will work hard, I will try to appreciate the present.

e.beck will be happy to hear I am not smoking anymore. Though I want to. Bad. But I'm not. Aside from the health aspect of it, it's a stinky (literally) habit and I don't like stinking. And there's not much you can do aside from a shower and hairwashing to get rid of that smell. It's terrible that I'm worried more about stinking than dropping dead from lung cancer.

I have a recurrent nagging thought that could really piss me off if I'd let it. One of DH's complaints has been that he feels a lack of appreciation. I will readily admit that I have rarely expressed my appreciation for all that he does for me and the kids. But since I never hear any appreciation for anything I do for the family, then I guess I just didn't think the expression of gratitude was that important to him. But since I know that's something he needs to hear, I have made it a point to make an effort....ask him about things that are important to him that I couldn't give two shits (or even one shit) about, ask him how things at work are going, thank him when he does something nice for us. The part that's a pisser is this: he has been gone for a month. 4 weeks. I have been alone with the kids the entire time, aside from when I visited him. They were out of school for over a week of that time. I have done everything on my own. (I know...waaa waaaa waaaa....) He has not asked even once how things are going, am I doing okay, NOTHING. Once upon a time, this would not have bothered me. I think it's "my job" and I don't expect gratitude....I am happy where I am and doing what I want to do and I'm okay with it. But if HE feels like the lack of appreciation is an issue for HIM, then why doesn't he think I might like some too? I swear that I might turn lesbian.

Glad I'm not THERE anymore

I got an email from a friend the other day....she is not a close friend, or even a "real life" friend. We met on an AOL message board...we have kids born the same month. Months ago she emailed me and asked if I was okay, she hadn't heard from me much and when she did I didn't seem like myself. So I told her the whole story. She's been very nice. Anyway....emailed me Saturday to tell me that after several months of suspecting something, she confirmed that her husband had been cheating on her. She told me she needed a shoulder to lean on but would understand if it was all too raw for me. I told her no, it was fine....I was glad to help since she'd been so nice to me. But the truth is, it IS kind of tough. Dredges up feelings I'd rather not feel again. But it also helps me to see how far I've come. Even though things are still rather a mess, they are MUCH better than they were, and no matter how our story ends I know I'll be okay. I wasn't sure of that for a while. I wish I wasn't here at all....wish I had never been put in this situation in the first place....but I'm sure glad I'm not in my friend's shoes right now.

Finally grew a set....

....and called the counselor. Got his voicemail, which made me quite happy. That's what avoiding someone is all about, you know...catching the voicemail instead of the actual person. :P I know I didn't HAVE to call him. I could just continue to avoid him and I'm sure I wouldn't hear from him again. But I don't know....I just have a hard time with being a wimp like that.

Anyway....I admitted that I had been avoiding him because I thought he would not approve of what I'm doing....but we had been seeing a new couples counselor, both DH alone and the two of us together, and I'm focusing on that right now. I told him that I am fine, that things are actually going fairly okay at the moment and that if I need him in the future I will call to reschedule.

I know I've been totally overthinking this whole situation....but I do feel better that I did something I've been avoiding for a while.

No "jabs", negative talk, etc.

At our last counseling session, new counselor suggested that I try very hard to refrain from making "jabs" at DH about things he's done and things that have happened. DH had mentioned that he knows he deserves them, but it also makes it hard sometimes for him to look forward to being with me or talking to me because he never knows when I'm going to throw something out there. Counselor asked me to please refrain from doing that, at least while DH is gone....that our conversations and visits should be pleasant for both of us. I agreed that I wouldn't do it, and I can honestly say I haven't made a crappy comment even one time. And an amazing thing has happened....I am happier. I wouldn't call myself blissfully deliriously happy by any stretch, but I think the negative thoughts and comments can become a huge vicious circle...I'm sure I was making myself feel far worse than DH was feeling.

We did have an interesting conversation last night. I have yet to call the old counselor and tell him that we've been seeing yet another therapist together. Yogurtry tells me not to worry about it.....that I don't really owe him an explanation, and that patients move on all the time without letting the counselor know. I just really don't want to have to justify why I am willing to put more time and effort into this because I know the old counselor will not approve. I came home from my weekend away to find a letter from the old counselor. Saying that he hadn't heard from me since I cancelled my appointment on October 13th, that he thinks we had more to work on, and please call him to let him know how I'm doing and to reschedule if I wish. I told DH about the letter. He suggested that I go see the old counselor and just feel him out on what he'd think of us getting into more couples counseling. I told DH that I already know what he thinks....he thinks DH is not remorseful, thinks I can never trust him again, and in the two sessions I've had with him alone, what he's mostly talked about is how I will function after divorcing. DH was stunned....and I was stunned that he was stunned. How could he be stunned? DH acted kind of hurt (which in turn really pissed me off) that I talked to him about getting divorced. I told DH that I told the counselor I wanted a divorce the same day I told DH that.....and that every time I mention anything about wanting it to work out, possibly changing my mind, ANYTHING (an example is when I went to see our priest) the counselor says the same thing....and I say the same thing, that I really would love for things to work out somehow, some way. Yogurtry also told me that the letter the counselor sent me is fairly routine and still, if I want to just blow him off I can. But I hate feeling like a wuss and not owning up to my choices. So I'm going to call him tomorrow. I plan to leave a message and tell him that I have decided to explore more couples counseling right now and I want to just focus on that for a while, things are going fairly well at the moment, and I will call him if I need him in the future. I actually think that if things DON'T work out, I'd rather see the new counselor anyway. I like the old one but like the new one more.

Very nice weekend

Went to visit DH for the weekend. After the way I'd felt last week, I was kind of regretting making the plans to go. In fact sitting at the airport I had the urge to either not get on the plane or just not join DH when I got to my destination. I was overcome with dread but went ahead with my plans. I ended up being very pleasantly surprised. We didn't end up doing anything special....no touristy stuff or anything. Just hung out, relaxed, talked, walked, ate. It was nice. I left much happier than I was when I arrived.