Months ago, I tore an article about men and depression out of a magazine. Thought DH showed more than one of the signs. Whether or not he's depressed has come up with other counselors, but DH insists he is not depressed and the subject's been dropped. I'm not so sure. Dr E wants to find out. A friend asked me if I found out that DH IS depressed, will it make what's happened easier on me? I say no, it won't....because what hurts is what happened, not WHY it happened (at least I think so)....but it might make me feel more sure that it wouldn't happen again. I just can't tell you how many women I've heard whose husbands have cheated on them or up and left them suddenly, and the men have ended up being depressed or bipolar.
I find it so weird that after all this time, I still have such mood swings. I'd say my general mood is not bad for the most part. I don't have the deep depression that I did....I'd say I experience sadness more than the average person but it's not debilitating like it was. But early in the week last week, I just felt finished. I felt tired, I felt like I'd expended any energy I have to devote to this relationship and had nothing left, I felt it was hopeless and that I'm just prolonging the inevitable. I don't tell DH any of this.....I don't act any differently at all. I hate to sound mean, but if the other shoe is going to drop it's going to be at a time of my choosing....I think I deserve to be the one in control. Well....lo and behold....DH is making it really hard on me. We had an appointment on Monday, and by Thursday he was just....I can't explain it......different. Like I think what we discussed Monday just took a few days to sink in. Friday morning he apologized, out of the blue. I asked him why he was apologizing now and he said he thinks about what he did to me a lot and is so sorry. Who kidnapped my husband and who is this imposter???? And will it last?
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4 comments:
I've been reading your blogs for a while now and am basically in the same boat as you ... same time frame, married 19 years with 3 kids, etc. For the most part I too have been able to move on and am a stronger person but I do think about the affair pretty much daily and feel sadness. I'm a pretty forgiving, optimistic person as I have written you in the past, but I know what you're feeling. Most of the time I think our relationship is better because of what happened. It makes us try harder to not take each other for granted but still sometimes I feel like I don't want to be with the person that hurt me so badly. I also have been a stay at home mom for several years and am working part time now, but not enough to support myself & my kiddos if I were to leave the marriage. I've heard that it takes approximately two years to get over an affair so hopefully by the time February rolls around again I won't think about the affair as much and be able to know that this is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. I'm hoping the same for you! Hang in there and keep blogging! It helps me and I'm sure a lot of others!
Makes you wonder what goes on in his head. It doesn't sound like he opens up and talks about it much, leaving you to continually guess. It would be nice if something that is going on in therapy is sinking in, finally. I hope so. But in any case, this recovery business is such an up and down process. On his part and yours.
Anonymous - I'm glad you feel my blog is helpful. Sometimes I wonder how someone as f*%$ed up as I feel can be help to anyone, but I understand....it's amazing that these situations can be so different yet the feelings we go through seem to be eerily the same.
I feel the same way you do....in some ways our relationship is better and more fulfilling than it ever was. But the part about not wanting to be with the person who hurt you so badly....I totally get that. I think I MIGHT feel differently if after the initial finding out horror there was nothing else....but he continued to hurt me when he knew I was at my most vulnerable. I struggle with that every single day. And if that doesn't go away....I'm just not sure where this can go. I guess I will find out at some point.
hey ... i just caught up with you by reading your last bunch of blog posts .... i've been too busy to follow blogs for a bit ....
i worry about you ... hope you are doing ok...... hope the imposter sticks around ....
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