DH's sweetness didn't last....the imposter is gone and same old same old is back in his place, which isn't ALL bad, but there are some ups and downs. He was perfect and sweet and kind and loving, and within a matter of days, he was acting kind of like a shit again. Sunday morning I asked him if anything was wrong because he acted like he'd rather be anywhere but with me, and he said "that's what you're acting like". The conversation ended right there because couldn't we go 'round and 'round with that forever? I felt like saying "I know you are but what am ??? INFINITY", but I refrained. :P So we had an interesting therapy session on Monday. I brought up how DH had been acting for the last week or so, and Dr asked how that made me feel. I told him that after more than a day or so of that, I start to wonder what in the hell is going on....if something's going on to make him distant or if it's just the stress of work, day-to-day stuff, etc. I was explaining that I can be going along, feeling perfect fine, then a thought or two pops into my head, then that grows....more thoughts, more doubts, more bad feelings. DH said he feels the same way often....that I'm not going to ever forgive him, that I won't ever trust him, that I'm going to leave him. Dr came up with a good analogy....said it's like when you're watching TV and really into a show, and then this annoying banner comes scrolling across the bottom of the screen. He said you try to enjoy your show, but all you can see is that stupid banner....saying "she's going to leave me anyway", or whatever negative thought keeps popping up. So he says we both need to change our what our banners say......because if he's not up to anything, HE'S not the one torturing me anymore, I'm torturing myself. So....I guess I need to "change what my banner says" but I sure have a hard time turning my mind off. And I guess no matter what happens with our marriage, I don't really want to spend my life turning this stuff over and over and over in my mind, do I? It has to stop somewhere. But I guess the bottom line is I DON'T trust him....even if I really don't THINK anything is amiss, I don't put anything past him at all. I guess in the back of my mind I just have the thought that maybe he really is just an awful, awful person who wants to do whatever it is he wants without disrupting his life and putting up with any grief. And I wonder if that will ever go away. It's a really sucky thought to have.
Heard from my friend this morning.....her daughter has this friend whose dad is a very successful attorney. They have 4 children, multi-million dollar home. Friend's mother is very sweet, very beautiful. Her husband told her in February that he was leaving her and was involved with someone else. As if that wasn't bad enough, now he's saying he wants custody of the kids, want the house, and wants to ruin her. She said she hadn't even known anything was wrong, and now he wants to ruin her? She has no idea where that is coming from. On the one hand, I couldn't help but think that at least he's being honest with her, but why would he want to rake her over the coals like that? People can be horrible to each other.
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What is it with the month of February! lol Like the book you just read says, "It Happens Every Day". You can be going along in your life thinking everything is fine and then "poof" your world is turned upside down and will never be the same again. I have been able to forgive my husband (and even forgave OW - but for my benefit not to hang onto the hate - she was a "friend" of ours and one of my kids best friends - needless to say we're not friends anymore and the kids don't hang out as much) and I do trust him but I also still have bad thoughts that pop into my head on a daily basis. I try and think of something else but things still make me sick. For instance Oprah is having Elizabeth Edwards on her show tomorrow to talk about her book and the affair and it makes my stomach turn. I don't think I'll be tuning in. I guess it's just gonna take us time to fully recover and rightly so.
Anonymous - not sure what it is about February either. I will hate it from here on out, I think. :( I was just going through a big basket of magazines I have in my family room, purging and taking the old ones out to the recycle bin. Found several untouched magazines from Feb/Mar of last year. Hard to read magazines when you're curled up in a ball crying uncontrollably, isn't it?
Did the other woman ASK for forgiveness? Do you think she was really sorry? In my case....she is not sorry, I doubt she'll ever be sorry, and I don't think I'll ever forgive her. There are things she's said to me that I just can't imagine saying to someone if I were in her position. She's an ass. But I digress....
I saw about Elizabeth Edwards being on Oprah. I admire her honsty (when asked if she still loved her husband) and I just can't imagine being in he shoes. The funny thing is....DH was watching TV last night and there was a thing about the Oprah interview on Entertainment Tonight. DH watches it, kinda making "tsk-tsk" noises about some of the details of the affair. He's done that other times as well. And I just can't understand how he can separate what HE'S done from what other idiots have done. I just don't get it.
I did not get a sincere apology from OW, when I called to confront her she was silent (except for two "okays") and then a couple days later I got an email asking me to please let the kids continue to be friends (yeah, she's crazy) and at the bottom of her email was the "I am sorry" and that was it. I haven't spoken live with her since that initial phone call but I did correspond via email twice since the inital emails. On the second email she sent me she asked me to leave her alone (I had sent her an email asking that she have her son stop calling our house b/c I didn't want the kids hanging out b/c I just couldn't handle seeing him at our home). She told me she was devestated that the relationship with my husband had ended (lasted a few months). On the last email I sent her it was around the 1 year mark and I sent it for my own closure. I asked her not to respond unless she had a sincere apology for me and I didn't hear back - lol. BITCH! Anways, I just figured I didn't want to waste my energy on hating her so in my "closure email" I told her that I had so much good in my life and that for my own piece of mind I forgave her for what she did to me & my family. Forgiveness is for yourself more than the other person. I still occasionally run into her and she turns and walks away, which she should. Just because I said I forgive her doesn't mean I don't have ill feelings toward her, because believe me I do. I really can't believe someone could do such a thing, especially to a friend, and act like nothing is wrong when she's totally betraying you in the worst way. But that is just me and I am a better person than she will ever be. It opened my eyes to the types of people in the world.
I like the banner analogy. did doc give you any tips for how to replace the banner? how to keep the bad-banner from popping back into view?
I thought the banner analogy was pretty brilliant, actually. I'm continuously impressed that he's able to come up with words for what I'm thinking. He just said that I need to come up with something positive to think every time a negative image or thought comes up, and eventually the negative thoughts should just be pushed aside to a place where they just don't come up as much. I hope he's right.
Anonymous - I really do think that there is a difference in how the sexes deal with what they've done when they are unfaithful. I think with women, or at least this is how I feel about the one in my situation, it's almost like if they don't admit what they did, don't take resposibility for it, it wasn't as bad as it seemed. In my situation, the stupid CWSB (won't even tell you what that stands for - yogurtry knows!) says she shouldn't be penalized for "a mistake", and once when she spoke to me on the phone, she said she was trying to be "kind" to me. Kind? Are you serious??? There are other things that she's said to me that just make me furious when I allow myself to think about them.
When I was finally able to talk to her husband I THINK I changed the dynamic.....he was never truly aware of what was going on until then.
Gotta go do something else....I'm working myself up. :)
They are both CWSB's - whatever it means I'm sure it's good! lol Have a great weekend & mom's day! Good venting with you!
Two things, this reminds me of...
1) The importance of learning "I" vs. "You" statements, thus knowing where my responsibility lands first.
2) The reality that ((I)) could never again trust someone who did this (to me or to anyone else) while in a relationship.
Isle Dance - haven't seen you in a while. I've missed you!
Yep...I think it is safe to say that 99.9% of arguments are started or fueled by using you statements. Not that using I statements prevents arguments totally....but they are certainly more conducive to civilized conversation and getting someone to listen to you.
I've missed you, too!
Check out these ten steps I just placed on my blog sidebar...I think they're my new self-help therapist and Bible all rolled into one...
10 Things We Can Do to Contribute to Internal, Interpersonal, and Organizational Peace
(1) Spend some time each day quietly reflecting on how we would like to relate to ourselves and others.
(2) Remember that all human beings have the same needs.
(3) Check our intention to see if we are as interested in others getting their needs met as our own.
(4) When asking someone to do something, check first to see if we are making a request or a demand.
(5) Instead of saying what we DON'T want someone to do, say what we DO want the person to do.
(6) Instead of saying what we want someone to BE, say what action we'd like the person to take that we hope will help the person be that way.
(7) Before agreeing or disagreeing with anyone's opinions, try to tune in to what the person is feeling and needing.
(8) Instead of saying "No," say what need of ours prevents us from saying "Yes."
(9) If we are feeling upset, think about what need of ours is not being met, and what we could do to meet it, instead of thinking about what's wrong with others or ourselves.
(10) Instead of praising someone who did something we like, express our gratitude by telling the person what need of ours that action met.
The Center for Nonviolent Communication (CNVC) would like there to be a critical mass of people using Nonviolent Communication language so all people will get their needs met and resolve their conflicts peacefully. 2001, revised 2004 Gary Baran & CNVC. The right to freely duplicate this document is hereby granted.
I have been lurking for a while but I read something on someone elses blog that really resinated with me.
"What if forgiveness has nothing to do with stopping feeling hurt and nothing to do with letting the person off? What if it's something that is under our own direct control and that we can wholeheartedly choose to do?"
Thought this might help in rewriting your banner.
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