Another good weekend

We had another good weekend....no drama, no trauma, no tears (well, I did cry a little here and there by myself, but not because of anything new that's happened recently- just a little sad at times over things....completely natural I'm sure), no fighting, no nothing.

We had an interesting thing happen on Fri evening. He came home from work and pretty much as soon as he walked in he said "I need to tell you something....I accidentally brought my Blackberry home. It's in my briefcase and it's turned off." I said okay, and that was it. Doesn't sound like a big deal but actually it's HUGE. It stayed in his briefcase all weekend and as far as I know, he didn't touch it. We actually had an argument, a pretty bad one, over that several weeks ago because he had accidentally brought it home and instead of telling me, left it in his car. When he thought I was going to get in his car for something, he started acting all weird....so I asked him if it was in there. He had not meant to bring it home and then didn't know what the best thing to do was after he discovered it. I told him in that situation, the thing to do is bring it in the house, put it somewhere, and don't touch it the rest of the weekend. I told him that the fact that he brought it home doesn't really bother me.....it's when he is using it all the time, taking it with him when he leaves, etc. So I think he handled it perfectly this time.

Time really DOES heal all wounds

Well I wouldn't say I'm HEALED. Far from it. But when I think of mental state now vs. 2 months ago, a month ago, even 2 weeks ago....what a difference. I still have a lot of the same thoughts that bothered me before, but they bother me less, and less often. They are now simply thoughts rather than obsessions.

The last week or so has been pretty good for me. I feel more like my old self than I have in weeks. I'm sad when I think of things I don't like to think about, but for the most part I think I might actually be happy again. Not euphoric, blissfully happy....but just happy, not miserable, mind not racing. It's nice.

Affairs in the pre-electronics age and playing hard to get

I have thought of this numerous times....it's goofy.....but how in the world did people carry on affairs before cell phones and email? I know we are spoiled now by these modern "necessities", but think about how much more difficult it would be to carry on an affair without them. Obviously it was done! I know it was easier for him to hide his whereabouts on several occasions....I have not demanded a contact number when he's out of town for YEARS because he's had cell phones. Or he'd call and say he was on his way to a meeting and was going to be tied up all afternoon.....pretty convenient, huh?

My husband has a Blackberry....it is not his.....it was issued to him by his employer. It is not supposed to be for personal use, but that is one of those things that no one monitors unless a problem arises with it. So he conducted a lot of his "business" with this woman via his Blackberry....lots of emails, lots of calls. Though she never called while he was at home....the phone was always on, other people called on it, but never her. I think the email was the main thing.....and I'm talking just about every waking moment he was checking it, or reading emails, or writing email. I guess without it she'd have had to call his work phone and they'd have to pre-arrange everything. Now, I hate to see the fucking thing. At the beginning of all this mess, it was a huge issue for us. He said he "needed" it for work....I said he didn't. He rarely to never gets work calls on it after hours. He CAN check his work email on it so he does have a point about that, but really....there's never much of anything that's that urgent that it can't wait until he gets to work in the morning. So we went back and forth on that. At first he'd leave it at work all weekend but bring it home during the week, where it mainly just sat. Now, he doesn't bring it home at all unless he is expecting a call or email that he wants immediately. He did say in the beginning that he could call or email anyone he wants without the Blackberry, and he is right. But to me it was a matter of respect, of caring about my feelings, and that damn Blackberry was a huge part of all the deceit. I got him a cell phone on our family plan and he uses that after work hours. It took a while but he did end up seeing my point and respecting my feelings on this issue. Now....I realize that he could be doing all kinds of things with it when he's not in front of me. And that I can't control.

My other topic: playing hard to get. This whole thing has made me quite needy at times. I felt like I was constantly needing reassurance, constantly hovering, checking, searching, obsessing. As time has gone by and my mental state has improved significantly, I have become less clingy. And I realized that if I need to ask for something all the time, do I want it? One thing that came up in a counseling session was me calling him at work. Throughout our marriage, we have always talked at least a couple times during the workday. It is not unusual for either of us to call the other....it's not a new thing. But it just pissed me off that it came up....what is considered "attention" from one person (see above paragraph about numerous emails and phone calls) is considered nagging and clinging from another. So I quit calling. Just about altogether (I did call once this week....but it's been a week and I've only called once). And lo and behold.....guess who is calling me at least a couple times a day? Guess who is sending me emails, all signed "love you". I don't like to play games, but damn if this isn't a kind of fun one.

On an unrelated note: my next door neighbor is having a garage sale today and it is driving me INSANE. We live on a cul-de-sac where parking is at a minimum. We've had a million cars in and out all day, parking in front of my driveway, in my driveway, in the middle of the street....I just saw some guy picking through my trash. Selfishly, I have a few things I'd like to ask if I can put in the garage sale but I won't for fear that she will ask me to HELP. At which point I would actually BE insane.

Marriage counselors should not be allowed to go on vacation :)

Kidding, of course. We had an appointment today and won't see her again until May 14th. We could kill each other by then. :) Actually, I'm hoping that when we see her next we can tell her that we've made great strides.

Good days/bad days and forgiveness

I most definitely think my good days are more and more frequent....and my bad days don't suck nearly as bad. I guess that will keep on until the bad days are seldom and the good days are a way of life again. I can't wait.

I have felt very positive the last few days, and very hopeful. More hopeful than I have in a long time. I just feel like he is where he wants to be and before I was just never quite sure. He said that when things are going well he feels like he could almost forget what's happened, what he did. I think we'd be stupid to forget, but I'm glad he wants to....glad he wants to let go of those memories and move ahead.

We have our weekly counseling appointment tomorrow. She doesn't seem to have things scheduled for us to talk about like she did in the beginning. Now she just asks us if we have anything to discuss, and we go from there. This week I have something: last week he brought up that he is always thinking I'm going to follow him somewhere...like at the gym he spends all his time looking over his shoulder, thinking I'm going to be there. I told him....I have not and will not lower myself to following you around. I am not your mother, I don't want to be your mother, if you're doing something you're not "supposed" to, I'm going to find out eventually and will not lower myself to driving all over town. Now, if I KNEW he was up to something and I could bust him, hell yes....I'd be there. In fact, a couple months ago I DID know where he was one day and had plans to go there, find out what was going on once and for all (this was only days before I found out), and I ended up home w/a sick kid. I refused to leave a sick 10 yr old home alone, refused to take her with me (can you imagine?), didn't want to have my mom come over to watch her....so he went un-busted...and it didn't matter - it was too late at that point. The counselor told him that just like I have my own issues to work on (mine is obsessive thoughts about the details of the affair - though I am doing MUCH better), he has his....he is on edge all the time, wondering when something is going to set me off, when I'm going to show up somewhere, etc. I told him that that is unfair to me....I have NEVER followed him anywhere so it is unfair to be angry over the possibility. He HAS, however, lied about his whereabouts and done things to betray me. So my obsessive thoughts certainly make more sense than his obsessive thoughts. I just think that is something that needs to be addressed....if I'm expected to move on, he should as well. I do think a lot of what drives him his guilt. He needs to understand that if I'm going to try to forgive him, then he needs to be working on forgiving himself. I am glad that he's sorry but do think his obsessing is not productive. Of course I'm sure ALL obsessing is not productive.

We had a good weekend....

....nothing exciting. Just no trauma, no drama, no nothing. I didn't go looking for trouble and it didn't find me. It was a nice change.

Hi ho, hi ho....it's back to work I go.....

...despite saying I'm making no rash decision....I am pretty sure I'm going back to work.

Started out innocently enough. My friend works at the junior high and is dying for me to take a secretarial position when this lady retires at the end of the year. The job would be perfect for me....my kids' schedule would be the same as mine (days off-wise), two of my kids would be at the same school complex for three years so could go to and from school with me every day, 6 weeks off in the summer. Then I found out what the base salary is. $22K. About $100 a week. Ugh. That is just not worth it.

So....I've started working on my resume the last couple days to apply for some government jobs. I figure I could probably work part-time and make $22K.

I may wait until September though. Then I wouldn't have to deal with this summer....next summer Kid #1 will be driving so at least the kids wouldn't be trapped here all summer while I was at work.

But....for various reasons I think it might be a good idea. I have too much time on my hands. I am busy but when I get down, I let things slide and I do too much thinking and I have plenty of time to do it. I also hate to think that somewhere down the road I might really need a job urgently, and it's easier to get a job when you already have one.

Other stuff from today.....I read a book early in this whole ordeal called "After the Affair". I read through it pretty quickly and then set it aside. I went back and re-read parts of it today because some of it apples to later, rather than the first-finding-out stage. I'm glad I did....got a lot of insight into some of what's going on with me now.

Is it possible to love someone who has hurt you so badly?

My husband can't figure out why I still love him and want him around. He is glad that I do...and has said so quite a few times....but just can't imagine what he'd do if the shoe was on the other foot. We've had setbacks, horrible arguments, revelations, epiphanies, flung hateful words and accusations at each other....and he is just not sure that he'd still be here if I was the one who had cheated on him.

I told myself at the beginning of this journey (which started two months ago today, by the way) that I'd make no rash decisions. I realized that nothing had to be decided RIGHT NOW....that it was okay to sit tight and process everything on my own timetable. I think that it's remarkable that I was able to come to that decision, considering how much I was not myself at the time. Obviously I had some moments of clarity in the midst of all kinds of craziness.

So there are no guarantees that we'll end up together forever. But the more time that goes by, and the more counseling sessions we have, the better I feel. The more he opens up and tells me (and means!) the things I need to hear, the more hope I have. I guess at some point in the future I'll have to decide whether I feel better enough, hopeful enough that I'm going to be able to stay. Today, I think yes.....this is going to work. Yesterday I thought so too. I believe that two days is a record. :)

Our counselor is a little flaky. Actually she's a lot flaky. Hell, she's downright weird. But I like her. I think she is helping us, little by little. I always sit and imagine her having a discussion with her own husband....."so what I hear you saying is.....".

I think I need some Xanax.....

....just to go to our counseling appointments. They are not bad....I thought lots of ugly things would come out but they don't. She doesn't focus on the affair so much as the state of our relationship that led us to this, and what we want more of/less of/to improve in our marriage. But I still dread the appointments. At least I get breakfast out afterwards (we do that every week).

More on the Sybil thing.....at times I am very peaceful and feel like all is as right as it can be with my world. Then the next thing I know I am just analyzing the hell out of some event, some "clue", something said/not said. I'd say my moments of doubt and desperation are getting less frequent but they are painful nonetheless.

Now I remember how much I used to like to write

I never remember really having goals for myself when I was a kid, or a teenager, or even an adult for that matter. My parents were not the encouraging types....they weren't DIScouraging but they were never very involved in my education, my grades didn't matter, they had no clue what was going on. Perhaps that's the way most parents were back then, as opposed to today's helicopter parents (which cause a whole other set of problems, if you ask me!). I was never guided in any direction, never encouraged to explore what I might love or might be good at. I got decent enough grades in high school. I had periods where I didn't do very well (never did well with transitions....so 7th grade and 9th grade were bad when I went to new schools), but mainly I was a decent student and usually made the honor roll without a whole lot of effort. In college I discovered alcohol and that derailed much of my college career. I finally quit, went to work full-time and eventually school part-time and then did fairly well (As and Bs and the occasional C in the more difficult classes).

The only subject I remember loving in high school was English. I loved words, loved reading, loved writing. That was the one subject that I really excelled in. So off I went to college, thinking perhaps I'd be a writer. I have no idea what happened to that idea. I guess it got lost in a sea of alcohol, parties, cigarettes, and skipped classes. By the time I decided to quit school and go to work full-time as a secretary for the government, I had long forgotten about it. Then I discovered that my employer would pay for job-related courses, so I went with Accountancy. I think it was a smart choice in some ways. At least I HAVE a degree....I doubt I would have ever finished if I'd had to pay for it all myself. I sometimes took three business classes per quarter and didn't pay for any of them. It was also a bad choice. I don't like Accountancy. Some parts of it I like, but some parts I find so stiflingly boring that I think I'd have to shoot myself if I sat at a desk and did it all day long. And now I've been out of it so long that I probably couldn't land a job as an accountant even if I wanted to.

I am seriously digressing here....but I have thoroughly enjoyed this blogging business. It reminds me of how much I used to like to write. So now I am a writer.....to an audience of maybe two. :)

Just call me Sybil

I know it is not nice to poke fun at those with multiple personality disorder. But I'd swear I had it sometimes. I go from strong, confident, and positive to blubbery, anxious, panicky, and flipped out in about 24 seconds. If that. Something as simple as not being able to get in touch with my husband around lunchtime can set me off. And I KNOW it's stupid...but it doesn't stop me.

As hokey as this rubberband-on-the-wrist thing sounds, it actually kind of works. Emphasis on "kind of". Sometimes I am too flipped out to remember to snap it.

My head is not a fun place to be sometimes.

You find out who your friends are.....

I have a lot of friends. I am a blabbermouth and I'll talk to anyone.....so just about everywhere I go I pick up a friend or two. I have a few friends I've known for over 25 years. I have numerous online friends, some of whom I am pretty close to. I have a neighbor I am pretty tight with. I have a couple close friends and many acquaintances I've met through my kids. I also have lots of friends who don't live closeby but I stay in touch with, at least exchanging Christmas cards.

For the last couple months I have really isolated myself. I had no desire to see anyone....I didn't feel like acting normal but really didn't feel like spilling my guts either. So it was just easier to stay home, hole up, retreat inside myself. When I finally started telling some friends, I felt like a huge load had been taken off my shoulders. Everything gets better when you share it, whether it's joy or pain.

I am not a needy friend. Well I probably am NOW (one poor friend has received probably hundreds of emails from me, full of analysis of every single detail of this whole saga) but normally I am not. If you have time for me, great.....if you don't, well I understand. Everyone's busy. But one friend in particular has really bothered me. She is not one I would ever tell about my situation....I just don't feel like she'd be helpful at all and I don't need that. What is bothering me is that now it is apparent how one-sided our friendship has always been and how when I don't hold up my end, there really is no friendship, no communication, no nothing. I usually call this friend once a week, and a month went by before she even noticed she hadn't heard from me. She finally called me and just didn't seem to have a clue that something was wrong. I know I can't expect people to read my mind but I thought she knew me well enough to tell I wasn't myself. It all made me think back over our friendship (we've been friends about 5 yrs) and I realized....she asks all kinds of favors of me but has never been able to do any of the things I've asked of her. Ever.

So am I turning into that needy, whiny friend no one wants to be.....or am I just seeing this friendship clearly for the first time?

Choosing to believe....hardest thing I've ever done

Our couples counselor has talked about trust issues....about my need to trust again, about the need for him to provide reassurance when I need it. Neither of us has done a very good job with those things. I think I am just habitually on high alert now. It's hard not to be. He is just not good with communicating, though he is getting better, and has a hard time sometimes with uttering the words I need to hear.

Anyway....our counselor told me a couple weeks ago that I just need to choose to believe him when I ask him if he's doing this or doing that or not doing this or not doing that. I need to choose to believe him until I am shown otherwise. So I am working on that but it is really really hard. Sometimes my head tells me one thing and my heart tells me another. And they argue with each other. I feel like I have a little angel and devil sitting on my shoulders.

We had an issue come up over the weekend.....I'm thinking that perhaps I need to take an out-of-town job on the weekends so that I'm not home since that seems to be when the shit hits the fan most of the time. But in the end, I am choosing to believe him. Originally my head and my heart had opposite opinions, but now my head is coming around a bit. I allow myself that because generally I am SO skeptical and many times do not believe, so I am granting myself permission to believe even when logic tells me otherwise.

What I've also pondered is this: why do I keep asking these questions? What answer do I expect?

I am also having a really hard time with not snooping all the time. I am snooping and digging and searching to the point that it makes me crazy. I have always had issues with obsessive thoughts when I am going through something....and this is the worst. Right now I am sitting here with a rubberband on my wrist that I am going to snap every time I have an obsessive thought or find myself on super high alert for no reason.... I figure this little bit of behavior mod might not work, but it can't hurt. Snap snap snap.

Most effective weight loss plan ever....but I don't recommend it

If you've ever known a woman who is going through some horrible relationship problem (like mine) or a divorce (like I might), have you noticed how much weight she lost? It has happened with every woman I know.

My husband met this other woman in November or December. Became friends, then even friendlier, and by January the affair had become physical (though from what I am able to piece togehter it wasn't all that physical), and I found out in February.

Last August, I was pretty plump for me. I am 5'9" and I weighed 150-155 lbs. So I started Weight Watchers. I have done it before and had good luck with it....I am diligent about tracking my points. So I lost some weight and by November or December I was down to my goal weight of 140. That was so easy that I decided to shoot for 135. I actually got down to 132 lbs with no problem. Then the shit hit the fan here. I couldn't/wouldn't eat, and my weight dropped down to 126 pretty rapidly.

Now I know that many people would kill to have my problem. I am now eating....a LOT....and I am barely gaining. I am up to a whopping 130 lbs right now and just can't get any higher. I am too thin. I have no boobs, no butt.....I am wearing a size 6 (which actually fit when I was at 132) and it's too big but I'm too tall to wear a size 4. I do not look good. I have gotten mixed reactions from others.....some think I look great, others act like I'm anorexic.

I guess I should just enjoy this while it lasts. I have never in my life said "I need to gain weight". EVER.

Do you think this is true? 75% of married men have cheated

I've read various statistics on infedility....and saw today that up to 75% of married men have cheated. That's 3 out of 4. So I look around at all the men I know, and even the ones I don't know, and just have a hard time imagining that 3 out of 4 of them have strayed. That is just mind-boggling.

I know a lot of decent guys. I have a couple male friends who I just think are the most stand-up guys around. I was recently talking to an old friend, a woman I've known for almost 20 years. We met at work when we were both in our early 20s. We have a mutual male friend who also worked with us, and I was telling her about how I think of him often now that I am dealing with infedelity in my own marriage because I just could never imagine him cheating on his wife. My friend said "I hate to burst your bubble....but he hit on ME once"....came to her and told her he had "feelings" for her. I have been sworn to secrecy and I won't tell a soul....but I was stunned, shocked, disappointed, angry.

So I wonder....could ANY man be tempted to cheat if the circumstances were right (or wrong I guess)?

Will I ever be the same? Do I even want to be?

I am getting into this blogging business. :)

Many times through this ordeal, I have wished I could just go back to being my "old self". My old self was not suspicious. My old self believed her husband when he said he was going to the gym, to get coffee, to get his hair cut, to a meeting, on an overnight business trip, even to work. My old self didn't look through briefcases and wallets, didn't check Blackberries for emails or phone calls, didn't search through gloveboxes or under car seats. My old self was not tempted to follow her husband to wherever he's supposed to be (and for some reason, I will do all the other things listed but I refuse to follow anyone anywhere - I was really going to do it one time and ended up home with a sick child. I refuse to shirk my responsibilities to chase someone around like a crazy person). My old self smiled a lot, laughed a lot, did a lot. My old self was energetic and interesting.

But then I think about my old self and how perhaps she contributed to the situation my new self is now in. I take no responsibility for my husband turning to someone else, but I do take some responsibility for some of the things that made him angry enough and unhappy enough to do that. So I have taken a lot of time to examine my old self....what can I do differently? Is it my responsibility to even try to do things differently? I'm not the one who messed up here. But I have decided that it is in my best interest to really look inside myself....even if we don't end up staying together, don't I want to be a better person if I am able?

What I have discovered is I wasn't as physically affectionate as I could have been. Or as emotionally affectionate. I wasn't easy to talk to, and probably not easy to listen to either....neither of us are/were very good communicators. I was not very supportive of his career, and actually other things that I didn't understand or didn't care about for myself. I had gotten lazy. I didn't make an effort to spend time with my husband....just simple things like sitting in the same room watching TV or reading instead of being in other parts of the house, or getting out without the kids every now and then. I pretty much never put my husband first.

I believe it is an asset to be able to see one's own flaws. Too many people don't....or just don't want to. So I am exploring all this in counseling and hope that in time our marriage will not only survive, but thrive. But if that doesn't happen, at least I will have a better understanding of myself and the knowledge that I gave this the attention it needs when it would be so much easier sometimes to just walk away.

So maybe I will one day be my old self again....but I'd prefer an older, wiser version.

"If my husband did that to ME, I'd _________"

For at least a couple weeks, I didn't tell anyone what was going on in my life. I stayed on my bed almost all day, alternating crying and sleeping and just staring. Finally, I opened up to a few people. I was careful in choosing who I told, because if my husband and I end up staying together, there are some people who I know would not be able to be civil to him if they knew what he'd done. I started with a wise and compassionate online friend. I tell her this all the time, but she really pulled me through the worst times and I owe her so much. Then I told my best real-life friend. Then I told a few more online friends and just 2 more real-life friends. One of those is a friend of about 20 years who has been through this, and I'm glad I told her. The other 2 real-life friends.....I wish I had kept my mouth shut. Real life friend #1 sees everything in black & white and just has a really hard time understanding my "strategy" (if you want to call this muddling through a strategy!) and real life friend #2 is super religious and just has some suggestions that I think are crazy.

Most people say the appropriate thing.....like "I'm so sorry you're going through this". But then I get some doozies. Real life friend #2 said that I should get together with my husband, the other woman, and her husband and we should all "put our cards on the table". Um.....NO. For various reasons. First of all, who in the hell is going to agree to that? I would love to know what the situation is with her marriage but a pow-wow ain't gonna happen. Second, my issue is with my own husband, so I don't know how that would solve anything anyway. Real life friend #1 is appalled that my husband and I actually spend time together and sleep in the same bed and even have had sex. She says she could not be in the same room with him and couldn't stand to let him touch her. My thought on that was if I was planning to try to repair things, him sleeping on the couch or me not speaking to him surely wasn't going to help. And as for sex, I felt like if I didn't do it soon, I wouldn't ever be ready. Sort of "getting back into the saddle". And I felt so alone and horrible and unloved that the closeness was what I wanted and needed.

The funny thing with these wacked-out opinions is that I didn't ask for them. I was explaining what was wrong with me (I basically dropped off the face of the Earth - something was clearly wrong) and that I needed support. Friend #1 did at least realize that perhaps she is saying the wrong things. She asked me to tell her when she is not being helpful, and I have. Friend #2...well I don't think she'll ever get it. I've decided that I just need to tell her that I don't want to talk about it anymore.

Oddly, the person I resisted telling the most is the one who has said the least. I told my mom last weekend because we had a mini-crisis going on and I felt like I needed to tell her something was up (she had my kids and was going to bring them home but I didn't want them coming home in the middle of an argument). She just said "you don't have to tell me anything if you don't want to". I gave her the very briefest synopsis and she hasn't said another word. She tries very hard not to get in my business all the time, and this is a quality that I find annoying sometimes. But right now....I appreciate it.

It was so hard for me to keep all this to myself, but sharing is difficult too.

I've just decided that no one knows what they would do in this situation until it happens to them.

First entry

I am a mother, married for 15 years. I found out almost 2 months ago that my husband had been having a short-lived affair. When I merely suspected, I expected to throw him out on his ass. And I nearly did. But then I decided that despite his acting like a complete ass and "crushing my aorta" (got that from a friend, and boy is it a good description!), I do love him, and despite not being blissfully happy together, our marriage did have some definite good parts, and I can't imagine just walking away from an 18 year relationship without at least trying to repair things. So we are in counseling, him alone and both of us together. There've been a few setbacks along the way and lots of tears and arguments.

It's been a rough 2 months. I am both weaker and stronger than I ever knew. I think if I had suicidal tendencies I'd be a goner by now. I spent about 2 1/2 weeks almost bedridden. I spent another 2 weeks in a fog. Since then I've definitely had ups and downs, but I am much better.

Unless someone's lived through this, it is nearly impossible to describe the pain that comes with finding out that someone you loved and trusted has betrayed you in the worst possible way. I would not wish this on my worst enemy.

So....I am dealing with the aftermath of infidelity. I am not convinced that we will ultimately end up together, but I am hopeful and I think I would always regret not trying. Our marriage was not great for the last couple of years, and there's much that could be improved upon. I have decided to look at the affair as either a wake-up call or the end. But to figure out which one it is will take some time.

It takes a while to recover from a crushed aorta.